Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest - 2012 Edition!

Yayyy it's finally here! Can I just confess to you that this is about the only part of Halloween that I like? I was just telling my husband that I feel like Halloween is too much work without enough payoff. I don't even have a sweet tooth, so bringing my kids trick or treating after wrestling them into their costumes for candy does nothing for me. NOTHING. Being a parent leaves no room for selfishness. I find that lame.

But, I do love making fun of trashy costumes. Because they gross me out. Last year I was accused of "slut-shaming" with my posts. Yes. That's what I'm saying. It is shameful. Hey, if you want to dress sexy, be my guest. Just don't put ears on it and tell everyone you're a horse.

So far, this has been my favorite sentiment, shared by Seth MacFarlane (who I find inexplicably attractive) over on Twitter.

(Halloween is a great time of the year to see some spooooooooky prostitutes.)

 Quite.

And, apparently my readers agree with me, because my inbox was flooded with submissions. If you don't see yours here it was either a) too offensive to put on a website that my mom reads or b) someone else sent me the same costume and beat you to the punch. The deal is that you'll vote for the costume you find the most trashtastic and on Friday at 12 a.m., the winner nabs a $25 Target gift card to spend on anything but sexy costumes. Deal? Let's do it! Also, click the pictures for links if you really want to purchase the costume. Also, unfollow my blog while you're at it because we're not friends.

 Lindsay sent me Sexy Dobby the House Elf. 1) This costume is terrible and just looks like a messy pig. 2) Is nothing sacred anymore? It's a HOUSE ELF. Put some pants on.

Brooke sent me this socket and plug set which might be the least sexy thing I've ever seen. Also, very subtle.

 Sara sent me this sexy tarantula, which is the latest in no-pants/big furry boot combos, which apparently can be applied to any costume ever in the history of mankind. Also, do tarantulas have horns? Because if they do, it makes them roughly 60 percent more terrifying. Although I feel like this isn't exactly Animal Planet accurate.

 Amy sent what might be my favorite costume of the year. A sexy care bear... except it's called a Dare Bear. Get it? Because she's not wearing clothes or resembling a bear in any way? Also, on what planet does dressing up as a bear involve gluing tiny bears to your legs? That seems cruel.

Brooke: Sexy ketchup bottle. Tastes great on fries and smells just like desperation.

Janelle sent my my favorite example of guys on Halloween versus women on Halloween. He's a body bag. She's apparently a body bag as well. I'll take this moment to remind you that a) this could not be more sexist and b) sexual attraction to dead people is called necrophilia. Just a thought.

(Janelle is also our reigning champ from last year. You go Janelle!) 

Michelle sent me this sexy Octomom. I promise you that after 14 kids, her body looks nothing like this. Also, I like how this costume is essentially gogo boots and booty shorts with a pocketful of babies. F for effort, guys.

 Sheriece sent me this sexy straightjacket, hysterically called Anita Sedative. If there are any guys reading this, can I tell you a secret? Girls who dress like hookers on Halloween are CRAZY. Like, stage-five-clinger burn-your-house-down and tattoo-your-name-on-her-chest crazy. Even if they're not wearing a straightjacket. Just remember my warning when you hook up with a hot cop at a party only to find that she's bought you a cat and friended your mom on Facebook by morning, k?

 Maggie sent me a sexy dog costume, which makes me LOL like it's my job. Bahahaha this dog has boobs and I love it. Don't be ashamed of your skankiness, dog. If you got it, flaunt it. You win at life.

 "H" submitted this sexy Tigger because Halloween costume manufacturers are slowly trying to ruin my childhood, one character at a time.

 Lindsay: See!? They're going after Alvin next. Although, I don't really remember Alvin wearing red heels. It sounds like he's a little confused and needs to go to Europe to find himself for a year or two.

 Maggie sent me this, which I think might be the laziest costume we've ever had on the site. LADIES LISTEN UP. If you're going to dress like an attention whore on Halloween, remember that a graphic bikini top doesn't make you Pac-Man. Also, no one wants to see you lift up your skirt all. night. long.

 Janelle sent me sexy Joan of Arc, which by the way is incredibly accurate. I mean, I'm no history major, but I'm fairly sure they had stripper heels in the 1400s. After all, it's the oldest profession, right?

I also wanted to ask historically accurate Joan what she thought of it:

 

Woah Joan, don't be such a killjoy.

 

Emily sent me a whole collection of football cheerleaders dressed up for the occasion. This was my favorite, only because if you wore this on a real horse, you'd get thigh rash. THIGH RASH. Not so sexy, is it? 

Lela sent me this sexy trout. Wait. Is THIS why my husband likes fishing so much?

Also, enjoy the subtlety of her fishnet tights. ENJOY IT.


Oh, I love it all. Thanks to all who submitted!! Remember to comment with your fave submitter's name and the costume, like so:
Jae - Sexy inanimate object that should never be considered sexy.

And, as you head out to today's festivities, remember that I'd like to preserve my childhood memories without platform heels and hotpants kthanks.