Freaky Friday Don'ts

Friday, August 29, 2008

So this shirt was described online as "tribal and earthy". Really? Because I am pretty sure that somewhere, someway, a Native American is throwing up.

K I will admit that I burst out laughing when I came across this one. And I don't think laughter is really the look you're going for. Unless you're a rodeo clown. In which case, go right ahead.

I love the "safari vest." Because who does want to look like a retired 70 year old on her first safari. And look! Pockets for your granola bars and laxatives!

Scariest..... pants..... ever. Ridiculously high waisted. Check. Weird green color that will not match anything except the shoes you apparently dyed to match. Check. LEATHER. Check. Ready for a big night out at the Sizzler? Check, check!

This matching skirt/bag combo makes me want to go into a coma, then wake up and smack this girl for adding the shoes. IS IT REALLY NECESSARY? Did you look at the outfit and think "You know that this needs? Matching mustard green shoes. YES."

Aaaaand a matching jacket.

A weird, peep toed, chunky BLUE oxford. I love celebrity designers.

From My Closet

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I thought you'd like to see some of the cooler pieces from my closet that I love. My closet is great, my husband had the sense to build us separate closets, which is more of a benefit to him because I am messy and he is painfully clean.

As I've said before, I have a pretty extensive shoe collection. And I do consider it a collection, because I search for and add to my collection like it's my hobby. Usually I buy an outfit and then in my head picture the perfect shoes to go with it, and then search high and low for them.

I really have a love for '40's inspired fashion. I like the really feminine silhouettes and just general softness to it. They weren't afraid to show off their shapes back then, so I find that '40's inspired stuff usually is very real-person friendly.

These shoes have a great back story. My husband has this great boss, John. I adore him. He works for a fairly small company, maybe ten or so employees, and his boss loves being *that* boss. The really awesome one to work for. Anyhow, every Christmas he throws a lavish party, and he is always trying to top his last one. Last Christmas we had dinner at a very swanky restaurant, and he handed out the annual Christmas bonuses, and we were ready to head home. But John convinced us to meet him at the mall for ice cream, which I thought was odd because we were all dressed up. So we met him over there, and he handed us all, employees and spouses, an envelope and told us that he knew we spent all Christmas season worrying about gifts for everyone else, so he was handing us envelopes with money on it. The catch was that we had to spend it on ourselves, and we only had an hour. We were to meet back for ice cream sundaes and to show off our self-presents. I nearly passed out from sheer joy, because someone was ordering me to shop for myself. He'd put a generous amount of money in the envelopes, and off we went. These shoes were the first thing I bought with the money, I snatched them up so fast.

Aren't they pretty in the sunrise? lol. Sorry, my house is made up entirely of windows. ANYHOW. They are a red and grey plaid, with a platform and 4" heel. I love the vintage round top. Don't get me wrong, I love a pointy toe too, but there is something so pretty and flattering about a round toe pump. There is a removable ankle strap. Now ankle straps are tricky! Do not try them if you don't really love your calves, because it's going to emphasize them. I love the '40s silhouette they give though, so I usually wear them. I like to pair them with a really slim pencil skirt and a 3/4 length sleeved red sweater I got for like $12 last time I was in New York.

Anytime I wear them, I totally thank my lucky stars for John and hope to all that is holy that he wants to do this again this Christmas. Because I have my eye on some red snakeskin Michael Kors pumps...

Dear Hillary:

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Okay, so the one celebrity mom I would most like to get my hands on is Hillary Clinton. Last night, as I was eating cookies in bed and watching the Democratic National Convention (I am not American, yet am fascinated by your politics. They are so crazy cutthroat!!!) I cringed when Hill walked out on stage to give her speech dressed like a satin pumpkin.

WHY? Its shiny! And are those pants TAPERED? And what shoes match orange? Like my head is just spinning. Does it really need an orange shell underneath? Was the suit not enough on it's own??

What is with this woman and her pantsuits?

Dear Hillary:

Okay, I get it. You want to be taken seriously as a politician and all that jazz. But I promise you can do that without totally laying down and giving up and kind of semblance of modern style. The pant suits you choose are so stumpy and unattractive, I don't understand who is dressing you. Word on the street is that it's Yves St. Laurent, but I just can't believe that. It will shatter all of my confidence in YSL forever more.
And your past pant suits have been atrocious.

You're what, like 5 feet tall? WHY are you overwhelming your body with these long and dreary jackets? Why do they go up to your eyeballs? Skin is in, dear. And if my husband had a wandering eye tendency, I'd probably want to give him a reason to look my way.

How about a fitted suit?? One with a shorter jacket, and bootcut bottoms. How about not trying to show your personality using super weird colors. There is nothing wrong with a neutral. If you want orange, do it in a handbag, NOT a whole suit, for the love of pete.

And I'm sorry, but is there something wrong with a skirt now and again? For heaven's sake, if Condie Rice can do it, you can too. Say it with me: LEGS.

I have faith in you! Maybe people would have been more likely to vote for you if you weren't dressing so scary militant all the time. Come on, I saw those pictures of you throwing back cold ones with the joe schmoes of America. You can let loose!!

All I'm saying homegirl, is that if you're so intent on having a woman in the White House, then maybe you should try actually looking like a woman.

Just some food for thought.

Love, Jae

Baby Got Back

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Today's topic is super near and dear to my heart because it's something I have struggled with since I was a teenager. Though I am relatively pretty small, I have this totally unproportionate booty. Not pregnant, I have like, a 27" waist. But my butt didn't get the skinny memo.

Exhibit A.

That's me, in the middle, wondering WHY my body is retarded.

I won't lie, there are times when I enjoy the junk. At a rap concert, for instance. But trying to find pants that fit is a crapshoot. I am forever whining "WHEN!!! Oh when will designers realize that this body type exists?? That not all girls with a generous backside are size 12s and ten feet tall? When??" My poor husband has heard this more than once.

So, I have come to the conclusion that there are some pants that will never fit me. They will always look weird. American Eagle, for instance. Love their stuff, but their jeans are a big no go. I have slowly hammered out a few designers that will fit, and some no fail tricks to know which jeans will fit us girlies the best.

Heeeere we go. For jeans, there are a few things you should look for. First, take a look at the pockets on the back. Those flap pockets look so cute, right!?

Wrong. Flap pockets will add unecessary bulk to your badonkadonk. Flap pockets are made for girls who are lacking in that department. You are far better off you get a nice, smooth pocket. Check the placement. Make sure it isn't too low or too high, or your butt will look droopy. Down with droopy butt!!

Now, another thing that will help, is a little bit of spandex. SPANDEX! AHHHH. No, I don't mean Jane Fonda circa 1988 spandex, I mean a little teensy amount. No more than 2%. Check the label. Spandex is going to let those jeans have a little give, which eans you can buy your normal size and they'll conform to your body. I love love love Hydraulics jeans. I have like 8 pairs and I wear them te whole time I'm pregnant because they have enough stretch and are lovely.

If by chance, you can't find those, then TAILOR, TAILOR, TAILOR. It takes two seconds to tailor jeans. If you're handy, do it yourself, if you're not, hire it done. I found these awesome Abercrombie jeans that I LOVED but there was no way I was fitting a 4. ANd I was swimming in a 6. So I bought the 6's and had them tailored back to a 4 waist. They fit like a glove, I kid you not. OR just go here, and choose your style and color, then send in your measurements and they will CUSTOM MAKE your jeans for the tiny price of $49. I guarantee you will love those jeans until the day you die. Look how cute!!

Another trick I learned is to combat the idea that big booty chicks should wear a higher rise. I love a low cut jean. Not like, stripper low, but low enough to not be scary and mom like. So there are a myriad of designers who offer jeans that are higher in the back than in the front. That way you have the look of a lower cut jean, without all the crack in the back, if you know what I'm saying'.

Lastly, remember that bootcut jeans are practically made for girls like us. The flare at the bottom goes a long way in balancing out the proportions. There are tons of awesome fits out there so try them on. I love the Christie Fit and the Marisa Fit from Victoria's Secret. They are going to make that butt look all lifted and awesome.

Also, don't be afraid to try some more urban designers. Companies like Southpole and Baby Phat who typically design for women of color KNOW how to fit a booty. And take a cue from their awesome confidence too.

Endowed: Dressing Your Knockers!

Monday, August 25, 2008

So I have had tons of comments regarding big boobs and how hard it is to find things to wear. I have never had this problem, as I stopped developing at about 12 years old. I remember I was in grade 8, and asked my mom for a bra for the sole reason that the boys liked to go around snapping the girl's bra straps (which by the way, now I am like wow, that was really pervy.) and I was afraid I'd be the only girl without a bra strap to snap. My mom bought me a padded one. However, now that I am pregnant I can pretend like I have big boobs. WOO!

Anyhow, I can understand your pain. Having a feature that throws off your whole wardrobe is rough. Later this week we'll look at some other problem areas as well. But today, boobs it is!

I think the biggest (HAH! pun VERY intended) problem with you Pamela Anderson-boobed girlies out there is that your chest is off in plus size territory, while the rest of you is not so anxious. So you end up wearing baggy stuff that conceals your super cute shape, just so you can have something FIT without looking like a stripper.

There are a few types of tops that are going to work for you.

First. DEFINE A WAIST. Blousy tops are not for you, oh big chested one. They will make you look big all over. Consider this one from Baby Phat. It uses a belt to define that waist, so you can say to the world "I PROMISE THERE IS A BODY UNDER HERE!"

Check out this top:
It's cute, but BAD for you. Its going to stick out about 3 feet off of your body and look awkward, just bringing more attention to the ta-tas, but not in an attractive way. More like "I wonder if she has to wear special back supporting undergarments" way.
Choose non-low cut scoop necks. They flatter everyone. And the empire waist? Great
if your tummy needs a little camouflage. I love something like this for just running errands or whatever. Its SO easy.

This pic is tiny, but if you're feeling exposed, add a little cami underneath. Not only will it make you a little more modest, but I'm not going to lie. I've totally used a tight tank top underneath a tight shirt to suck me in a little. Plus, puff sleeves? VERY good for big busts. It'll balance them out in proportion to your body. Go check out the nicer pic at Torrid (I HATE when I can't copy pics from a site. BOO)
A v-neck like this, though it seems counter intuitive, is a great way to keep the girls under wraps. Think about it. What happens when you wear a turtleneck? Your boobs look MASSIVE right? Because you have all that fabric covering them, you can see the full outline. So if you try a deeper v instead, its going to cut down on their size. This one is from Bluefly, and is adorable.
So then, take a deep v, (with a cami if you want) with an empire waist = pretty much pure perfection as far as you're concerned. (Nordstrom)
Now, wrap tops are going to be great if you can adjust the actual wrapping. Again, a deep v is great, and then wrap that top right at the smallest part of your waist, wherever that may be. For most big busted girls, it'll be the stop right under the bust. This one from Bluefly is great, because the tie is so wide.
Another really great one from Kristian Alfonso. Again, if your smallest point is a little higher, just yank that belt off and reposition.

Now for jackets. We did blazers last week, and someone asked why her jackets was all gappy and made her look even MORE busty. Ah, that would be the button placement, commonly known in the fashion world as the "stance". Basically, as a big busted girl, you cannot buy a jacket with a low stance. This is reserved for people like me, when I'm NOT wearing my padded bra. You need to choose a jacket with one or two buttons ( I would shy away fro 3 buttons though, it's just too much) and they should button right across the center of your bust. I am going to give you WAY too much info, and tell you that by center, I mean like, nipp-age. Got it? BEcause I'm not going to tell you again.

Check out the difference here:

These buttons are terrible for a big busted girl. This jacket is going gape and look totally weird because of the placement. Way too low.
This is just about perfect. Lock those girls down and leave the rest to imagination. If you are having trouble finding one that buttons up, buy a size up and have it tailored down. I know it sounds like a bother, but I do it with all of my pants (big butt, little waist, we'll address that later) and it takes a pair of ho-hum jeans to fitting like a GLOVE and being my favourite. Tailors do this all the time, and it'll be like $12. Totally worth it. Especially because this jacket is at Dr. Jays for 5.99, so yeah, its cute, you should buy it.

K, so hopefully you had a guide for next time you and your girls go shopping. Above all, flaunt it, and know that somewhere out there, I very jealous of you.

Freaky Friday Don'ts: Jacket Edition

Friday, August 22, 2008

Hopefully this week has been helpful to you on your eternal quest for the perfect jacket.

There is such an ABUNDANCE of ugly jackets out there, it literally took me like three minutes to round up my losers today.

Ahoy hoy! To match your boat shirt!

Please refer to my father in law awkward moment story. I wonder how many months along she is? Whats that? She's not pregnant. Shoot.

K, It's not like I advocate slutty dressing, but come on. A nun's habit is more provocative than this. Your chest needs to breathe! Give it some sunlight! Off to the country club!

For those days when you have to host a dinner party OR chop wood. Phew, I'm tired.

Its a gold. leather. jacket. Xenu Xenu.

I actually didn't know there was THIS much burgundy corduroy in exsistence. Even the model has this look like 'What have they put me in this time? I hate my job. Why didn't I take that scholarship to the community college like mom said?"

From the Jerry Seinfeld '89 Fall Collection.

Stay tuned!

Jacket Week Day 4: Outdoor Casual

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Yay! We've almost made it through jacket week. And we're on my favourite day, the casual/fun outdoor jackets. I have to confess, I own a mother lode of jackets. They are totally my favourite way to make an otherwise totally normal outfit of say, jeans and a white t, totally cute. So I have the back corner of my closet completely reserved for jackets. Which is yet another reason I don't like summer. I can't wait for fall, so I can delve in and start bringing them out. Of course, I'm pregnant so none of them will button, but it'll have to do.

Anyhow, when looking for jackets to just throw on, really look at fit and detail. They're going to go a loooong way. I have a few favourite kinds. I love a leather biker jacket, military jackets, and of course the age-old jean jacket. I own each (Although I have my eye on a new leather jacket that I am slowly talking my husband into buying me.)
Oookay, let's start with a denim jacket. Everyone has one, right? Of course, not everyone has a good one. I remember the first denim jacket I owned was purchased by my dad sometime in high school, and I wore it with the sleeves rolled up all through grade 10. With jeans. Shudder. See? I didn't always know fashion. That didn't kick in until I turned 16 and discovered dating. So, you can thank my grade 11 secret boyfriend for this website today.
ANYWAYS, the problem is, there are good denim jackets, and then there are really, really bad denim jackets that are reminiscent of Degrassi High and Depeche Mode, etc, etc. Observe.

Sigh. I am underwhelmed. This is a bad denim jacket. Why? Check the shape. It's square. Are you a square? I really, really hope not because that would be really, really unfortunate. This jacket will look bulky and awkward.
(Old Navy, of course) Hopefully you can see the difference. If you still want an old school denim jacket, this is the way to go. It has a longer silhouette, and see the actual denim it's made out of? It's thinner, meaning it will lay closer on your body. Adorable. BUT, if I can talk you into trying something different altogether, how about this?

YAY! A denim blazer instead! I promise you, this is going to be so much more flattering than the old school jacket. It has all the great characteristics of a blazer that we talked about earlier this week, but with the versatility of denim. I love this so much more.

Now, a note about denim jackets. DO NOT WEAR THEM WITH JEANS. Every so often I come across an article in my Glamour that says that you can. You cannot. I don't care what shade or what shape, you WILL end up looking like a cowboy. Unless that is your goal, in which case be my guest.

Alright. My next fave is the military style jacket. I love these because although not new, they feel fresher than a regular blazer, and look crazy cute with some jeans and (*cough* over the jeans *cough*) boots. K SO I LIKE BOOTS OVER JEANS!!! DEAL WITH IT.
Love this one from Its slightly asymmetrical, and it's details are so cute. And the piping? Love.
Another find. This is pretty true to the military genre. The double breasted buttons and wide collar are exactly right. Not to mention the color is pretty adorable for summer or spring. I own this almost exactly in army green and it is SWEET.

Lastly, leather jackets. DROOL. Leather jackets are pretty much the anti-mom jean. K, yeah, you expect to see a mom with one of those plain collared leather jackets from like, Chadwick's (I'm not knocking it, I am just saying I don't hear Chadwick's and think EDGY!!!) paired with her chunky ankle boots feeling all hip. But it's a farce! If you're going to do leather, do leather, k? Respect the cow.
Scuba collar, booyah! Love this, it's a tailored version of a biker jacket. It's a nice baby step to looking like a Harley mama. And it kicks a normal leather jackets butt. Can I also explain to you how much I love a scuba/ motorcycle collar. Its the way a leather jacket should be. None of this plain jane nonsense.
One more step, this cropped motorcycle jacket. Pair it with a blousier, more feminine top and you have this wicked hard/soft thing going on that is totally gorgeous. This one is from Bebe and oh how covet. I will be looking for this come fall weather.

Anyhow, HAVE FUN with this stuff. A jacket is an awesome way to change up a look. You don't ACTUALLY have to be a biker to wear leather, nor be in the military to pull of the army green. Play around with it and then find your signature go-to look for days when you don't want to look like the edgiest thing you deal with is a butter knife.

Jacket Week Day 3: Outdoor Jackets; Functional

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I know we are a ways off from winter weather just yet, BUT it's jacket week and this is totally worth addressing. Living in a winter wonderland, I see SO MANY bad jackets. You are grown up. You should not be wearing jackets that look like they have matching snow pants like your children. Please try something just a little more sophisticated.

Now that it's almost fall, it's a good time to remind you that every woman should have a basic trench coat. EVERYONE. Even you. They are so nice for fall, and they go with everything. Any time you don't know what to wear, throw on a trench coat and you've pretty much got it dead on. It's a great idea to invest in a basic one, and a trendy on that you love. One should be in a neutral, while the other can be a "new" neutral: red, plum, green, I even have a buttery yellow one that is adorable in the spring.

Here's a classic from Nordstrom. It's length is a little shorter than usual. which makes it updated and less Dick Tracy.

New style from Guess. BELTS ARE GOOD!

As the weather gets colder, I know we are tempted to go and dig out our warmest jacket from 1985.
Please don't.

There are so many more modern options than a huge bulky ski jacket. Please. PLEASE! try them.

Now my be all and end all in winter jackets is a pea coat. Rewind back to 2001, I was merely 17 and it was Christmas and I BEGGED and BEGGED my mother for a pea coat. She obliged, and I was the only kid at my school with one. But I knew that ski jackets were not my only choice. See? Even back them I was looking for other options. Anyhow, I still have that very pea coat today, which is a testament to it's quality and longevity. How often can you say you own a piece that has stayed consistently in style for 7 years? Not to mention, it is the warmest jacket ever. I have since added a few more to my wardrobe, in red, and I still wear them every winter. Traditional pea coats will be double breasted, but they are updated every season and totally worth checking out. They look good on everyone and they don't add unwanted puffiness.
Victoria's Secret. Not gonna lie, I'm probably going to buy this one.
Winter is such a good time to break out some red. It's so pretty.

If you're not completely sold on the pea coat idea, though I don't know WHY, I also love my fur-hooded jacket. Not real fur of course, it's a really urban update on a regular winter jacket. The hood is detachable, and even alone the jacket is super sleek. Great for just casual running around.

Finally, if you are so deeply set in your ski jacket ways, please please take a look at the new style ones out now. They can actually be very cute and not scary and puffy. Try the jacket on. Puffy does not automatically equal warmth. Sometimes it just equals heft. Heft is scary.
See the styling on this? Interesting clasps, longer length to hit down on your hips, it's actually pretty adorable.

I know we've been conditioned to think we need one, good sturdy jacket to last us all winter long. Why should jackets be any different from our regular clothes. You need some that are more formal, some that are more casual. I cringe when I see a girl in a dress with a puffy ski jacket over top. Silliness. A trench or pea coat would be better suited.

So let's put some thought into our outerwear, shall we? I know it can be cold. But cold is not an excuse to look like the stay puff marshmallow man.


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