Merry Christmas, from the Kardashians

Monday, December 19, 2011

Instead of an outfit, I had to post this instead.

I know you've all been waiting for it...

The Kardashian's Christmas card

This is *almost* as good as when Barbara Walters told the Kardashians they didn't have any talents on her special last week.

Except, if getting your picture taken for nothing and wearing androgynous tuxedos is a talent.... the K's totally win, hands down.

Also... is it me or does Kim look *really* lonely up there?

K, what do you guys think of the pic? 10 points and total street cred for the funniest comment!

Freaky Friday: Top 12 Worst Christmas Gifts of All Time

Friday, December 16, 2011

So we covered awesome Christmas gifts that anyone (read: me) would be more than overjoyed to receive, but what about the craptastic gifts you get? I should note that birthdays and Christmas make me want to die most of the time because of all the people watching your reaction to gifts. I am not a good actor. Like, at all. Now I've learned to tell everyone to get me gift cards and it's much better, but I still get sweaty and nervous around present time.

So this year, I'm going to set my sights low with these awful gift ideas. That way, I'll be pleasantly surprised when I receive cat figurines and whatnot.

This is gonna be a good one!

The Golf Urinator. Besides the fact that your husband is a GROWN MAN AND CAN PEE IN THE POTTY, this looks like he's doing something really suspicious under that privacy towel. No one wants to golf with the guy who carries a "privacy towel," regardless of what it's for.

Ever wonder how much you weigh when compared to a rhinoceros?

Yeah, me neither. Like, ever.

Like, I would punch in the face the person who gave this to me.

My mom gives me a shoe-a-day calendar every year that I LOVE. But a garden variety, 12 month landscape calendar? I get like, 20 from my dentist so I'm good thanks.

Self help books. Especially ones that you would never have cause to use. I usually avoid huge ships by walking on sidewalks instead of water.

Gifts that say "I think you're a lazy creepy cat lady." Even if you know a lazy creepy cat lady, she doesn't need to be reminded. As she eats her TV dinner for one, she instinctively knows.

Gift baskets. Because there's like, one thing in there you actually like and the rest is jam and mustard that congeals in the back of your fridge until July.

This is exactly what it looks like. For best results, buy these for your mother-in-law and wink suggestively.

Flasks! No one wants a flask for Christmas, despite their appearance on every "What to Buy for Men" list EVER. Even if it has cool cowboys on it, you do not need to carry alcohol in your pocket.

Or in your bra. Besides the fact that you're drinking alcohol from a tube between your boobs, I feel like this is pretty much one stop from both alcoholism and sexual harassment.

Onion goggles for the person who doesn't have friends, yet loves a good oniony omelet.

I know what you're wondering: what does the mysterious Paris Hilton smell like?

Chlamydia. The answer is chlamydia.

Not only a tacky non-ironic Christmas sweater, but a tacky non-ironic Christmas sweater that lights up with LED lights. Because when you're a loser, you're also a loser in the dark.

Did I forget anything? As long as you avoid these, you're golden for Christmas shopping this weekend. Happy Friday!

Glammy Gifts on the Cheap 2011

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Alright, I'm back from my vacation! Seriously you guys, the first day back always SUCKS. I had no food in the house and all my clothes were dirty so I called it my day off and didn't properly get dressed this morning. Aaaaand I've worn a baseball hat all day.

But it was an awesome trip. Hanging out with my family is totally boss, especially when we do things like play Taboo and go shopping with the entire population of Toronto and eat our weights in sausage rolls and chicken balls and then make jokes about chicken balls because like wiener jokes, they never get old. Yeah, that's my family. But now I'm home with the Mr., which is good because he spent the weekend recaulking our bathtub and for some reason, that makes me inexplicably sad. And NOW it's almost CHRISTMAS.

Well, this is my third year of doing Glammy Gifts on the Cheap and as usual, all it really did was supply me with links to send to my husband via Gmail Chat for things that I want.

Totally worth it.

But seriously, we're a mere week-and-a-half away from Christmas, so if you're stuck for ideas for your mom, sis, friend or YOURSELF, totally check this stuff out. You absolutely do not have to spend a ton and you'll totally be the hero. Because no one wants another Clay Aiken CD or self help book. Unless you're my mom. She devours self help books like I devour Chick-Fil-A. Meaning daily and like someone is going to take them away.

I totally sent these shoes to my hubs. I MUST HAVE THEM. They are super Valentino-esque, but only cost $33. While you're checking out that website, look for other shoes. They are so cute I might eat a baby and die. In that precise order. Because who eats babies postmortem? I mean really, be serious.

This bag has super luxe details. The quilting makes it look like money, but it's really only $38. Get this for your mom and maintain angel child status the rest of the year. Actually, I want this too. Give it to me instead.

Oh, you knew that some Forever 21 jewels would make their way onto my list. And why not? This major necklace is only $12 smackaroos and it would make a huge difference with the regular old v-neck sweater.

I'm all about the scarf, but especially if it's as cool as this one from TopShop. The red leopard is amazing because it's unexpected. Can you imagine this with a white tee, jeans and riding boots? Fuggedaboutit. Give one to your BFF for like, $20.

And speaking of leopard, how crazypants amazing is this little clutch? This would be the best with a LBD or a blushy-colored sweater. Snag it from Nordstrom and give it to your sister and then borrow it back because that's how you roll. (I don't have sisters but I totally did this to my best friend.)

Gloves are so retro and ladylike that I can't even stand it. I want a buttery pair with femmy details like these. Bows or buttons preferred. This set is $28 and make me want to drive around and wave at people. No really, they do that in my town.

If you don't have a cute pair of riding boots yet, put 'em on your wish list, then gently direct your significant other/mom/small child in the direction of Old Navy for this pair. They're $32 and pretty much the perfect height. Love the buckle-y details too! I always end up shopping for myself when I go Christmas shopping anyway. Last time I went I came home with two new pairs of earrings, a scarf and a sweater.

OK, I know you're rolling your eyes and saying "Jae, enough with the peacock" BUT HEAR ME OUT. If you or someone you know needs a style intervention, something demure like this adds a little more style without being too whackadoo. It's a good way to ease into style and this baby is only $4 so it's practically sacrilege not to buy it. What's that? I don't really understand the meaning of sacrilege? Shut up.

So does that help or hurt your shopping efforts? I'm nowhere near as organized this year as I usually am. Like, I'm making a shopping list tonight whereas I'm usually done in November. Oh well, I kinda love the craziness of it all.

So now my burning question is: what are you asking for on Christmas this year? I need some ideas! So far it's been shoes.... some more shoes... and a wakeboard. Yes. I know I am a strange and mysterious girl.

Non-Scary Festive Party Wear

Friday, December 9, 2011

***Hey guys, I'm still up here hanging out in Canada, but I thought this might be a good refresher now that party season is in full swing. Also, I'm wearing navy glitter pumps tonight because it's CHRISTMAS and it's OK to wear full-on glitter. ***

Sorry that the post is late today. The skies dropped a glorious eight inches of snow on the ground after like, two weeks of 50 degree temps. The warmth was nice, but seriously? There best be some snow for Christmas. So my daughter and I just spend the last two hours attempting to build a snowman in the front yard instead of me pounding away on the computer. Now I'm soaking wet and just want to watch TV all night. But I did this first. Let it be known that I am a semi-dedicated fashion blogger.

Anyway, tis the season for awkward Christmas get-togethers! I've already have several, and have a few more on tap. My husband's work party is next week, and seeing as he's the only one at the company under the age of 40, it's always a real winner. But I know a lot of you guys stress when you get that holiday party invitation, ESPECIALLY when you have no idea what type of party it is.

If it's an ugly sweater party, I highly recommend this:

This is my brother wearing his shirt he MADE for an ugly sweater party. He took my mom's advent calendars that had pouches for candy, and sewed them onto his shirt and stuffed them with treats. Yeah. That's my family.

But, in the off chance that you need to look presentable and stylish for your party, wear something else. What you wear depends completely on the type of party that it may be: casual, semi-formal, or formal. For a clue on what type of party you're attending, take into consideration the invite and the location. You should get a pretty good idea of what kind of party it is if it's hosted at someone's house versus a ballroom, right? At least, I FEEL like you should.

My favorite thing about holiday parties is that you can take a few fashion risks in the name of being festive. For instance, I purchased a fur and sequin shrug for reasons I don't quite understand, but I can finally wear it to a party next week. FESTIVE. So don't be afraid to try something new: a red lip, sparkly heels, whatevs. It's the holidays and no one will judge you for it. Want to see some outfits? I knew you would.

If you're going casual:


Let It Be Me Blazer, 30 AUD

Casual parties during the holidays call for somethign a little more polished than a tee and jeans. My choice for dressier casual is always trouser jeans. They look dressed up while still being jeans so you don't feel totally overdressed. Pair them with a special-fabric top and a little blazer and you are good to go! Also, you'll notice that every outfit has a clutch. That's because holidays are for clutches. Large awkward bags under the table: No. PS I LOVE THESE SHOES.

If your party is semi-formal:


I always reach for skirts for a semi formal affair. That means anything at something more than a casual dining restaurant, a catered dinner at home, etc. When in doubt, call the hostess and ask what she's wearing, and you'll know to dress the same. Now I love the idea of a flouncy part skirt. With the satin bows, it just makes me feel happy and festive. Just tone it down on top with an unfussy shirt. Also, it's freezing out there: wear tights. As long as they look current, you're golden.

If your party is formal:


Cocktail parties, parties held at a swanky restaurant or bar, etc. need formal attire. Now, unless you're going to the Academy Awards or Cinderella's ball, don't wear a long dress. It will come off as WAY too formal, and you know how I feel about being overdressed. A short, cute cocktail dress is fine. If you feel underdressed, use accessories to take it up a notch. Patterned tights are still the love of my life, and they look so cute when worn with slouchy boots. Also, please note the fur shrug on the gold outfit. So unnecessary, yet it makes me feel happy and festive.

It's no secret that I abhor Christmas-y gear, like bell earrings, reindeer sweaters, appliques and the like. You don't need to walk around looking like the Target Christmas section barfed on you to look festive. LEave it to the details: A sequin bow here, a shiny bangle there. And you'll be dressed just right. Later, your husband's boss will notice how polished and put together you are and give YOU a bonus for making the party more stylish. Or, I can only assume that's what happens.

What I Wore: LBD Love

Monday, December 5, 2011

OK, this week is going to be a little crazy all over the place because I'm heading up North on Wednesday for a week. But I'll still check in periodically and make fun of people traveling in Juicy sweatsuits, I promise.

So approached me a couple of weeks to see if I wanted to try and review one of their pieces from their awesome website. Of course I said yes, and I immediately knew I wanted to pick an LBD for parties and whatever this season. I have a few LBDs in my closet that I love, but they tend to be more "va-va-voomy" and I had my heart set on something more flirty and less Jessica Rabbit. I mean, I love Jessica Rabbit... but not all day, every day. Take note, Kim Kardashian.

This is the dress I picked out. Not only is it crazy adorable, but the eShakti ordering process allows you to get your exact size measurements and customize the pieces to your requests. I loved this dress but I asked for it slightly shortened and with short sleeves for more of a party look. I love love love it with some grown-up Mary Janes and a patterned tight!

Cardi: Dillards
Dress: Courtesy
Tights: F21 (Where else? lol)
Shoes: Charlotte Russe
Ring and hair bow: Payless
Earrings: Local boutique

The layered tiers on this dress are exactly what I wanted for a pretty party dress. Since it's made of a more casual fabric, I also want to try it with a scarf, jean jacket and boots for casual wear. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

This is all one ring. Awesome? I think so. And so did the girl at Barnes and Noble who was my cashier while I bought this book on Saturday night. I party hardy. Also, I did a gunmetal manicure to keep the look from getting too sweet. I haven't bitten my nails for a whole month! My mom promised me a manicure in Canada and it's gotten me through the last week.

Anyway, eShakti has been awesome enough to offer any of my readers $20 off their orders by using code MOMJEANS0811. Unlike the regular promotion they offer on their site, this code can be used as many times as you want until Dec. 31st, 2011. You can still just use one code per order. Sooo... I would definitely email the code and your shopping list to your hubby STAT. That's how I got my favorite skirt last year, ladies. It's called "taking the bull by the horns" or something like that. I'm totally happy with my new LBD and totally recommend you start getting your festive wardrobe together ASAP... just no bell earrings or reindeer shirts kthanx.

Happy shopping!

Freaky Friday: A Major Case of the Stabbies

Friday, December 2, 2011

I recently spent some time with a person who was a "cost-dropper."

Oh, you don't know what that is? A cost-dropper is someone who always wants you to know how much everything she bought cost her. Cost-dropping can be annoying when a person always wants you to know how cheap everything she bought was, but it's roughly 67.9 times more annoying when she wants you to know how EXPENSIVE it was.

*This* cost this much and I usually only use stuff that costs *this* much and also I'm annoying.

Here's the thing. A lot of times, cost doesn't mean a dang thing. I hate the idea of women thinking that if they don't have a massive clothing budget, they can't look good. That's why I like to mix and match different price points in my outfit. Sure, I like a designer watch, but I also love my Target socks, my Walmart reversible belt and my Forever21 blazer. If it looks good, I don't care what it costs or what brand it is.

I'm very open minded that way. It was my liberal Canadian upbringing. So I start to get a major case of the stabbies when someone wants to keep reminding me how much money she spends on stuff because I don't think it's worth a lick.

Not to mention, there's a lot of people who spent kajillions on their clothes and still look crappy. So I decided to dig up some designer finds on FF today. I've done it before and it's freakishly easy.

Acne top

Tin man couture is always hot, especially at the cool price of $1,210.
My favorite part is how it triangulizes the boob area.

Lanvin sweater

I've renamed this $1,045 sweater "The Expediting of Old-Lady Turkey Arms." Go ahead, try waving!

Stella McCartney top

"Uh... the collection is due and this $1,000 mesh dress thingy isn't finished!"
"DO we have any construction paper left?"
"Just cut out some circles and group them so they look like flies! Masterpiece!"

David Koma jacket

"What about this $9,600 jacket."
"Dollar-store pompom balls! GO!"

Marchesa dress

I know this is a $4,700 Marchesa dress but it just smacks of early 90s prom. And if you're wondering, that's not a good thing. The early 90s was a bleak, bleak time for fashion.

Yves Saint Laurent dress

I call this $1,600 sweater dress "The Smuggler." As in, you want to fly but can't be separated from your rare Himalayan rabbits so you jam them into the pockets of your ugly sweater so as not to arouse suspicion. Also... this was SOLD OUT.

MUGLER jacket

Seriously, if you're going to charge me $3,700 for a jacket, would you mind giving me the whole thing? (This is proof I'm getting old. I also complain about buying ripped jeans.)

This $11,220 fur diaper is also sold out, so looks like some freaks are going to have a very unhappy Christmas indeed.

Lanvin dress
When I haven't gotten the slightest clue where my head goes in a $2,400 dress, I feel like it's a bad sign.

So seriously, don't feel bad if you don't spend major coin on furry diapers and whatnot. I'll still love you shopping at the mall or T.J. Maxx and if you play your cards right, you'll look better than those who pay for labels.

Alright, so I confessed my pet peeve with cost-droppers.... anyone else want to join the fray and vent it out? It's Friday! Let's get our stabbies out so we can have an awesome weekend!


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