Freaky Friday + Giveaway Winner!

Friday, March 29, 2013

 First off, our Shabby Apple giveaway winner! Drumroll please....

Alison Miller Pandina, you get to go shopping! Keep an eye out for an email from Shabby Apple with your spoils and thanks for entering, friends.

If my post is completely riddled with more typos than usual, I apologize. I went out last night to celebrate a friend's birthday and we had our nails done and somehow, I reacted to whatever they used in the pedi bath. Like, my feet went all red and swollen and I'm hopped up on Benedryl to try and take it down. Luckily we're trying to get ready for a little getaway this weekend, so it's not like I need to be focused or efficient or anything... siiiiigh.

Anyway, let's round out our dress week with some of the uglies I've come across.

 Somewhere, a Eurotrash bar is missing a Paris Hilton. 

 I'm hoping this is a learning development dress for children. "Point to the blue circle, kids!" 

 Just in case you were hoping to fish your sleeves out of your soup all night long.

 I see London, I see France, I see parts of you that should only be accessible via speculum!

And, yes, I did have to show you both views of the dress. Also, what is this model staring at? Did she just see her dignity fly on by?

 Somewhere Angelina Jolie's leg is twitching. It wants in on this BAD.

 For when you want to show your love for Jesus, but also Jello shooters.

 Finally! A use for that ugly scrap of fabric your grandma gave you!
Is it me, or does every bag of scrap fabrics have  a piece that looks exactly like this?

 "I like it."

 Well this looks suspiciously like self-loathing. 

Well, I'm going to pop another Benedryl and then drunkenly pack a suitcase full of unrelated things YAY. Happy weekend, guys!

5 Reasons to Wear More Dresses + A Shabby Apple Giveaway!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Yesterday I was doing my laundry (I always do laundry on Monday -- only Monday so it doesn't taint the rest of my week) when I realized that my dress collection is getting out of control. For a once-tomboy, a huge portion of my closet is now reserved for cocktail dresses, maxi dresses, wrap dresses -- you name it. But why not?

Dresses are pretty much my favorite thing to wear. And it makes me sad when people think dresses are only for Sunday or "dressing up." NAY! NAY to that I say! I say dresses are for everyday. No, don't go to Wal-Mart in full cocktail garb, but  a cute summer or maxi dress? Yes. DOoooo it.

If you need more convincing, here's five reasons that dresses should make an appearance in your closet.

1. They're Easy.

I hate when I'm wearing like, a maxi dress, which is pretty much like pajamas, and someone is like "Wow, you're all dressed up." Are you kidding me? Between struggling into a pair of jeans and finding a matching shirt and belt or just pulling on a dress, the dress wins every time. It's one piece, no layering unless you want and you don't have to worry about lubing yourself up just to put it on.

2. They're Pretty.

Look, I was raised by a feminist. I am a feminist. I have a job. My own bank account. I get all z-snappy when someone talks about women's rights. But hey, I can still like to be pretty. And dresses make me feel pretty. Especially maxi dresses. Like, there's just something pretty and dramatic about not doing the pants thing. Especially if you haven't burned your bra.

3. They're Versatile.
I have this uber-cute striped wrap dress. It's not even that special. It's just a plain old dress. But it's SO versatile that I keep it around. I wear it with flats and a cardi in the summer, with tights and a leather jacket in the winter and it always looks perfect. There are so many pieces that you can only wear one way, but dresses can go up or down in the formality department and always look awesome.

4. You Can Eat More.

You know when you're wearing a tight shirt or that pencil skirt that you love, but when you eat, you can practically see the outline of your taco in your belly after? I am no stranger to food babies, which is why I love me a dress. Tight pants and shirts make me look a few months pregnant after eating a burrito, but dresses never do me like that. They stay looking awesome and I can eat to my heart's content TAKE THAT PANTS.

5. They're Always Appropriate.

Wedding? Wear a dress. Office job? Wear a dress. Lunch with the girls? Dress me, baby. Shopping? Dress. Date night? Dreeeeeesssss. Are you getting my drift here? Other than the gym or doing cartwheels on your lawn, there's literally no event where a dress isn't totally appropriate. Just make sure the type of dress matches up with the event ie: casual dresses for casual events, people. And if anyone says anything about your dress-ness, the correct answer is "Jealous?"

PS that's the correct answer for any negative comment. Forever.

So, in celebration of my obscene love for dresses and the fact that they're taking over my closet, I'm teaming up with Shabby Apply for a dress giveaway. YAY! I own a couple of Shabby Apple dresses and they are ah-mahzing. I'm currently on a vintage dress kick and they are pretty much perf.

So, want $75 to spend on starting (or supplementing) your own dress wardrobe? Sure you do!

a Rafflecopter giveaway
The giveaway ends on Friday morning, so you have today and tomorrow to enter. Sorry, I just hate giveaways that drag on and on. I'll announce the winner on Freaky Friday. Also, U.S. entries only... sorry Canucks, I don't make the rules -- I just follow them because I was politely raised that way and you should understand

Now go forth and buy pretty dresses, my friends! 

What I Wore: Peep Show

Monday, March 25, 2013

Oooh, peep show, the title is so tantalizing.

Well, I'm sorry to say that I'm fully clothed. BUT! I did get to wear my peep toe shoes for the first time this year and I had a lacy slip peeping out of my dress, so I feel like that's even more exciting. offered to send me another one of their awesome sauce dresses and this is the one I chose. It was a tank and a little shorter, so I had some length and sleeves added for a little 40s flair. Unfortunately, because my legs are disproportionately long, the dress was still a bit short. No worries -- I picked up this wardrobe-extending slip the other day and all was right with the world. Well, except for like, world hunger and whatnot. That is not right.

I look really smug here.
Dress: c/o eShakti
Necklace: Nordstrom
Shoes: F21
Ring: Inspired Silver

I loveee the way eShakti dresses fit. You send 'em your measurements and customization requests, they send you back something pretty that fits like a glove.

These shoes pretty much ate my feet, but look how cute. And polka dot toes? I die. This is how I spend my Saturday nights you guys. Jelly beans and nail polish. That's it. 

It's fun to look at dressed-up pictures when I'm still in pajamas and a hoodie. Such fond memories. Of yesterday. Le sigh.

Freaky Friday: Manly Men Edition

Friday, March 22, 2013

I know I make fun of women's clothing A LOT, so I decided that it was the boys' turn. I write a column for men's fashion from time to time and yesterday I was working on an article about Mad Men. It was totally appropriate, since I've been plowing my way through Mad Men on Netflix for the last few weeks. It's my new guilty pleasure. And while I spend most of the time girl crushing on Joan, I do occasionally stop to think about how amazing the men looked. Of course, they were also raging sexists, but hey, they looked pretty slick doing it. Now we get the opposite -- sloppy-looking men who really, like, respect us for our minds, you know? And I GUESS that's better. But sloppy or no, make sure your guy isn't committing any of these cardinal manly men sins.

Proof that longcrotch works on neither men or the ladies. Best to not make people think your pelvic bone is 12 inches long. 

 You're not a real man until your pants wear pants.

 Well, you look awfully smug for a man wearing a corset and Seneca's beard from The Hunger Games.

For the man who separately wants to look like a stereotypical gay raver. Like, JUST ONCE I want a gay raver to wear like, khakis and oxfords. Just to mess with people's heads.

My husband is practically allergic to v-necks. I wonder if this is a good place to start? 

 For the man who wants to prove that he's available for conference calls and client meetings, but also the beach is THAT WAY.

 Hey, Romeo. Laces belong on your shoes. Not your rippling chest muscles. Staaaaaaahp. 

PS is that acid wash? Because if it is, I quit. 

 Finally! Pants cobbled together from a respectable pair of jeans and also that pair that your dad has had since 1993 and refuses to give away.

I read an article about how Kim Kardashian's wardrobe choices have been inspired by Kanye because he's just soooooo fashionable right now. 

Really, pregnant lady? You're letting a man in a skirt tell you what to wear? If I was pregnant and my baby daddy was like "Hey, you should wear those brocade hammer pants I picked out for you" I'd be like "Yeah and you should gestate a human and shut your face while I put on sweatpants. But you're welcome to wear some of my clothes oh wait you already are." 

Sorry, I just had some feelings on that one.

Also, I would like to point out the level of prance-age happening in that photo. And this is coming from someone who has seen Kanye West live in concert: He is every bit as douchey IRL as he seems in every type of media ever.

Aaaaand this sums it up for me. 

Thanks, creepy men's fashion designers. Thanks for letting the women have a break today. Ladyfriends, let's all feel pretty and go shopping and thank the heavens that our husbands don't wear leather skirts.

Unless they do...

... in which case... I just don't know.

How to: Color Your Hair at Home

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I started this post looking for pictures of myself with different hair colors. Turns out, there was roughly a million. I guess I like to color my hair. But my big secret is that 9 times out of 10, I do it myself. And, thus far, I've only had two mishaps.

The first was during my second pregnancy. I'd received pretty much horrific news about what the rest of the pregnancy was going to be like and I had an appointment with a very important specialist the next day. To keep myself busy and to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown, I decided to color my hair. A dark, chocolatey brown. Yeah, it turned BLACK. Like, black as night. Like, black as the soul of Kim Kardashian. I panicked and made my little brother go to the drugstore for Color Oops while I hid and cried in the bathroom.

The second time was after I dyed my hair blonde the first time. I had it professionally done the first round because I'm smart and know that drastic changes should be left to your hairstylist. BUT I thought I was qualified to do the roots myself. They turned orange. Again, I cried in the bathroom and then called my hairdresser for an emergency appointment.

But other than those two times, I've always been able to color my own hair. And actually do a pretty good job. And I've learned some seriously awesome tips from my adventures and misadventures in self color, so I thought I'd pass them onto you.I'll just tell you how I do it. That way, if you color your hair and totally screw it up, I can be like "That was the instructions for ME!"

Step One: First, the most important thing is to get the color right. BE SMART or end up crying in the bathroom. If you want to color at home, stick to one or two shades lighter or darker than your current color. Anything more and you need to see a pro, STAT. My favorite at-home brands are: L'Oreal Preference for all-over color and a bigger change, Clairol Nice n' Easy for roots and touchups and Garnier Olia for freshening up your color each month. I'm using Olia right now and I'm a fan -- it doesn't smell AT ALL and it makes my hair uber-shiny. And, just as an aside, both times I botched my hair color, I was using Feria. Just sayin'.

Step Two: Once you've got your pretty little box, grab out the instructions and you know, READ THEM. Each brand of color is slightly different, so don't skip it because you've done it before. Also, that's when you get to find your snazzy gloves. Find one of your husband's old T-shirts and put it on. Then be prepared for him to give you a mean look when he realizes that his disgusting hunting shirt is finally destined for the trash. Huzzah.

Step  Three: Grab some Vaseline or lotion and put it around your hairline, your ears and your neck and literally anywhere else that you're prone to sloppage. Otherwise you're going to be left with some seriously gross stained skin afterward and it TOTALLY spoils the effect.

Step Four: Start with your roots. I use a gross old comb for this part. Some use brushes (my mom swears by a kitchen silicone brush for coloring her hair... uh, not that she colors her hair or anything). Start with your hair in a normal part. Now, here's where I go off the rails from the instructions. If I botch the color and it gets blotchy, I'd rather it happen where you can't see it. So instead of sectioning off my hair and doing all the roots first, I color my hair in my normal style first. Does that make sense? Like, I brush it out and cover all of the area of my normal hairstyle BEFORE sectioning with my gross comb. Don't be bashful with that color! Use it up!

If you're doing all-over color, do all of your hair at once. If you're touching up your roots, do them first and let it sit the prescribed amount of time, using up the rest of the color  on your other hair only when you have about 5 or 10 minutes left on processing. 

Step Five: OK, so you know when you have your hair colored in a salon and they pop you under the dryer? Do this at home! Your hair will take the color better, which is especially important if you want results like the box. I just stick my diffuser attachment on my hair dryer (that way you get heat without blow-age) and use that while I'm processing. Flip your head upside down and just make sure all of the sections get equal attention.

Step Six: After your iPhone timer goes off -- because that's the only way to time things -- it's time to rinse out. Now, you're inevitably going to look in the mirror. DON'T PANIC. Your hair probably doesn't look like its final color. Give it a few minutes before the crying starts.

Step Seven: Rinsed it out? Good girl. Now you can blowdry it. I always style my hair after coloring so I can get the full picture of how the color looks when it's styled AND to see if I missed any spots. If spots have been missed, wait a day and color again. Don't use the leftover stuff in the bottle.

Step Eight: Bait your husband and see if he notices anything different. When he gets it wrong, sigh loudly and make him feel bad.

Seriously, I color my hair every six weeks or so. And I've been doing it since I was 14. That's 14 years of color, people. And my hair is still healthy and a natural color, so I win!

So to break it down:
Good color
Lotion on skin
Color your hairstyle first

... and you should have a color that you love.

Alright, two things: Do you have a hair coloring genius tip that you want to share. Or even better, do you have an awful but hilarious after the fact hair coloring story to tell? AND... GO!

What I Wore: Solid Choice

Monday, March 18, 2013

Can we just take a moment to talk about how horrible my 7-year-old is as a photographer? Because these pictures suck more than usual. Probably because my husband was outside waiting to go somewhere and I made her covertly take pictures before we left while he sighed loud enough to alert the entire neighborhood that yes, his wife is high maintenance. Geez.

And before you get mad at me for saying mean things about my daughter on the Internet, you should know that I also told her to her face and she was totally OK with it. Mine and my husband's greatest parenting feat has been to raise children who are OK with making fun of themselves. That's it. I don't care what they do as long as I can call them "dorks" and they think it's funny.

I'll be teaching parenting classes one day, I just know it. 

 Yeah it's blurry oh well.
Top: I have no earthly idea.
Jacket: Pacsun
Pants: Local boutique
Boots: MIA
Bracelet: Would you laugh if I told you it was a Goody hairband? Then prepare to laaaaaugh.
Locket: Antique

Here's where I'm really glad that I just decided to wear all solids that day. Because my daughter's photography skills would have made a pattern look like an acid trip. She's fired.

Just kidding she's not. Who else would take my pictures?

 Yellow + navy + olive = love forever.

Another reason my daughter stinks at photography? 
Because she constantly wants me to pose like this:


And guess what you guys? I'm totally not going to whine that it's a Monday. Even though my brain woke me up at 4:30 this morning and I wanted to stab it with a Q-Tip. Nosiree. I'm cranking up this song, getting my work done and planning for a very important 1:30 pm nap. 

And then finding a new photographer.

Freaky Friday

Friday, March 15, 2013

It is crazy gorgeous outside today. Like, the kind of day that restores your faith in humanity. And THEN as I was dropping my kids off for a play date after workout (check and check) "What's My Name?" by Snoop Dogg came on the radio. Awww yeah everything's comin' up Jae!

And, it feels like I haven't done a Freaky Friday in forever. Probably because I actually haven't done one in forever. And all this time, bad fashion was just out there, going un-made-fun-of. And that is unacceptable on a glorious day like today.

 Pinterest, why? Why would you do this. Like, you could make your husband's tie into a bib. Technically there is nothing stopping you. Except for like, self respect and stuff.

 Oh, good. I was looking for something slightly more ewok-y. 
Neeeeerd joke.

 For those days you want to add a few inches, but also go on a challenging hike. 

 "You have my sword."
"And my axe."
"OMG are you guys like, going on a quest or something? ROAD TRIP!"

I am really revealing a high level of nerdiness with the LOTR and  Star Wars jokes today, aren't I?

 This is a shift dress. 
"Dress." Here's a handy tip: If I can see your babymaker, it's too short.

 Bermuda shorts = GOOD.
Spicy little pantaloons = BAD.

 This was in InStyle this month on a feature about cut-outs and how to exercise to wear them properly. Yes, I'm deeply concerned about exercising my clavicle so I can wear shirts that Regina George enjoys. PLEASE TELL ME MORE oh fashion magazine gods. 

 How to wear leather hammer pants.
Step One: Pick them up.
Step Two: Place them in the garbage.
Step Three: Feel ashamed that you owned a pair at all.

That is A LOT of inner thigh. And you guys know how I feel about inner thigh. It is vile. 

Alright, I am going to make the most of this day by doing things like 1) eating food that totally contradicts all the hard work I did during workout today, 2) wearing sunscreen and 3) ignoring the fact that my house is messy. AND.... break!

Spring Trends and How to Wear 'Em 2013

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I feel like a little powerhouse this morning. You know those days when you get up and you're just like, an efficient machine all day? Oh yeah. After this I have very important business-y phone calls to make, stuff to do at the city office, grocery shopping to do and I might even squeeze in some sock matching. I mean, is there anything more fulfilling? OK fine, being the pope MAYBE but sock matching is a close second.

Anyway, it's spring and beautiful here. This morning, I realized that I was out of my beloved Crystal Light and remembered that I had a secret stash in my car (such is the nature of my insane addiction) so I went running out there at 6 a.m. in my pajamas and it wasn't even cold. Mind you, it was supremely creepy, but not cold. My town is inherently creepy in the dark. We don't have streetlights and there's just like, wild animals waiting to eat my innards.

But where was I? Yes, spring. Which means it's time for spring fashion treeeeeeends (pretend I said that like Oprah, k?) I thought I'd break it down with some normal-people style, because let's face it, I'm never going to have the time, place or wherewithal to wear a pair of thigh-high gladiator sandals or a sheer neon mini dress. Instead, let's wear this instead!

Leather Love


Object Collectors Item pullover sweater, $48 / H&M , $37 / Accessorize ballerina flat / A|Wear roca wear handbag, $45 / Fun jewelry, $41 / Retro jewelry

Yes, I own a pair of leather pants. And also a leather skirt. And eight leather jackets (I seriously almost bought one on Monday too but I abstained). So naturally, I like me some leather. Which is grrrrreat because leather is big this spring. The trick to doing 2013 Spring leather is to soften it up. A long, loose-weave sweater and flats make these pants less "do me" and more "do me a solid and join this book club with me." Aw, sweet. I wore my leather pants over the weekend to see a matinee showing of Oz (loooooove) and I didn't even feel like I was going to a biker bar. Small victories, people.

Neutral Neon

James Perse v neck tee / Skinny leg jeans / American Eagle Outfitters neon flip flops / Neon messenger bag / Style tryst / Dorothy Perkins stretch bracelet / Loop scarve

You guys, I am seeing a lot of baaaaaad neon this spring. Last year's neon was really juvenile and this year's neon is a little more neutral. And I am aware that doesn't make sense. What I'm saying is that new neon is less Cyndi Lauper and more tropical this year, especially when you pair it with seriously neutral clothes or another big trend -- camo. So cute without being like "YAYY I went to a Tiffany concert once!" You may have seen people matching neon with neon. It is terrifying. Avoid.

PS I also like neon in accessory form if wearing a day-glo mini skirt has you seeing flashbacks. Scarf and flip flops -- adorable!

Black and White All Over

Jane Norman scoop neck t shirt, $12 / Jane Norman , $45 / Michael Antonio sparkly heels / Oasis handbag, $45 / Amrita Singh / Statement necklace, $24

The big color combo du jour is all black and white, all the time. Which isn't exactly inspired but hey, it's easy and it looks good. To make your black and white look more interesting, start mixing up patterns. It's OK because you're only doing two colors. And because I said so. I love florals with stripes. It's OK to team up an abstract print with something more graphic like so. And the best part is that you probably have a ton of black and white in your wardrobe already. Score!

Railroad Stripes

Wet Seal striped top / Uniqlo super skinny jeans / Kelly & Katie straw beach tote / Coach jewelry

I almost made a joke about how you should "choo-choose" stripes but this is a very serious fashion blog, people. But how cute is this? This year's stripes are awesome-sauce because they're railroad stripes and railroad stripes are vertical. Remember that time you asked your friends if horizontal stripes made you look fat and she said no, but deep down you know she was lying? You don't have to worry about that anymore! Just make sure you break up the look by adding in some cute wedges or tons of color, because you're not actually working on a railroad.

Tailored Shorts

YAY! My beloved bermies are back in action and this year, they're getting a makeover. New bermuda shorts are structured and tailored enough to wear with blazers and heels, because they're practically a trouser. Look for cuffed hems and tailored pockets in luxe-y fabrics like pinstripe. Adorable and crazy leg-lengthening when worn with wedges. This may prompt me to refer to your legs as gams. And make you feel uncomfortable.

So, love or hate? Wear or don't wear? Eat a donut or don't eat a donut? Sorry, that last one is my tortured breakfast choice.


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