My Arch-Nemesis: Conquering the Skinny Jean

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I almost called this "The Skinny on the Skinny Jean" but then I realized that I am not writing for Cosmopolitan. I wanted to start with the anti-mom jean in the extreme, right off the bat. K, I will be the first to admit. When skinny jeans became en vogue again, I HATED them. I made fun of people who wore them. I cursed their very exsistence. They just conjured up one too many memories involving me helping my cousin Kelly "peg" her jeans in the early '90s so that she could obtain the perfect taper.

Perfect taper. Ew.

Anyhow, after they'd been around for a few months, I started wondering. I finally worked up the nerve and tried a few pairs on. They made me look really, really, REALLY bad. You see, my most prominent feature is probably my hips and butt. I love em, but they are not made to be stuffed into tiny pants. They need ROOM! ROOM TO ROAM!

Then my lovely brother bought me a gift card to a store I liked, and lo and behold, I had disposable income to spend, and really really wanted to spend it on skinny jeans. I had surrendered myself to the fact that I should get some.

After DAYS and WEEKS of trying on skinny jeans, I finally found the perfect combo. Please learn from my mistakes and try them out! I know you'll like them if they're done right!

1) Buy skinny jeans a size up from your normal size. Trust me on this one. I KNOW how depressing it is to see that number move up, but you'll thank me when you're not fidgeting and trying to yank the things down because they are giving you a massive wedgie and trying to tuck in the muffin top.

2) But skinny jeans with a slight bootcut. They SHOULD NOT TAPER. Ever. Unless you've chosen Jordache brand and are listening to New Kids on the Block. I love love these ones by Free People. See how unscary they are? See how they flare out just a tiddly tad at the bottom? And they look almost a bit too long? Thats what you're looking for.

3) Now, here is the important part. When wearing skinny jeans, you NEED to fix your proportions. Like I said, my hips and butt make me look like a weird inverted hour glass when in skinny jeans and a short shirt. You can't wear tight shirts and skinny jeans. Unless you are 15. So to balance yourself, find a long top with a very loose hem. I'm not talking a circus tent, but something that barely even touches your body. And it should be long enough the at least half way down your butt. Got that? Hips should be covered. This one is from Body Central (and is only $13.99, NICE!

4) Now choose shoes. Three types you can do. If you're doing a long shirt, every day type thing, choose some flats. BEcause you're wearing a skinny boot cut, rather than a skinny tapered (ew), you have some extra jean around the bottom. So cute. Throw em on and you're done. See how easy that was? Or, if you want to do heels, a peeptoe and you're set. But please save the pumps for date night. A mom tottering through the grocery store all dressed up might come off as a little bit weird and desperate. Finally, I know it's summer, but eventually it'll be fall and skinny jeans are the best for getting the boots over pants thing right. The number one mistake girls make while trying to pull it off is stuffing big jeans into boots and then they look all puffy and you end up looking like a pirate. Pirates are not hot. Choose low heeled riding boots and pull em on over your skinny jeans, and voila. It took two seconds.

5) Look hot.
K, so promise me you'll at least try. I will be the first to tell you that a skinny jean is not for everyone, but more people can pull them off that you think. If I can - at 5'4 for goodness sakes, you might surprise youself.

Lesson One:

If someone were to come up to me who wasn't feeling super awesome about themselves, and really wanted to change they way they looked and dress, and asked me what the first step would be, this is what I would tell them.

Two words. Statement. Lipgloss.

I know, right? It sounds odd. Why, when you're feeling crappy about your frumpy self image do you need lipgloss?

First of all, you are too old for Lip Smackers. I know they are delicious. I held onto my Dr. Pepper one from grade 7 for YEARS. Chapstick has it's place and time, but remember, we're looking for something a little less mommyish.

Moms (Okay, moms other than me) rarely spend money on themselves, right? But I KNOW you have $20 tucked away somewhere. Don't spend it on your kids. Take it and spend it on yourself.

No, do not buy this lip gloss at the grocery store. Or even the drug store. This is department store territory, baby.

My two favorites are by Dior and Coach. I know what you're thinking. Those are designer! They sound expensive! That's the best part about the statement lip gloss - it's only about $13 more than a drugstore Cover Girl gloss, but the difference is amazing. The quality is good, you get the gorgeous little statement tube, and when you slick it on, you are going to feel better about yourself. TRUST ME. Not to mention, it's such a super fast way to look put together when you're really not. Fake it till you make it, baby!

I have this one - Dior Addict in Fucshia Poplin. So pretty! Not to mention, hello! How gorgeous is the bottle?

Love these colors too:

Spend $20 on yourself. It's going to be your first step to de-mommifying. Then we'll work on the jeans.

The Hard, Dirty Truth

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The fact is, you're a mom.

You don't want to look like a mom.


Because moms wear scary jeans. They have sweaters that co-ordinate with the holidays. Sometimes they wear sweat pants. And not cute Juicy Couture sweatpants, but scary paint-splashed, elastic ankle band, man sweatpants.

And why do moms dress so atrociously? Easy. Because it's comfortable. Because when you're chasing down kids all day, you don't want to worry if you have a visible panty line. You can't carry a small, chic designer purse, and instead are resigned to carrying a veritable trunk of gear that must come everywhere. You have zero -ZERO- time to get ready in the mornings.

But never fear, moms of the world. Unfrumpiness CAN be yours. You don't have to look like a bad SNL skit, I promise!

Work with me here.


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