Freaky Friday: The Clearance Rack

Friday, July 29, 2011

Today I decide to shirk my blogging duties and take my kids to see Winnie the Pooh, which you would have KNOWN had you been a fan of my Facebook page. I've been whimpering over previews for a good two months now. Like, please, with the "Somewhere Only We Know" background music? Tug at my heart strings some more. Luckily, all of my attention was taken by my son yelling at me to be quiet for absolutely NO REASON for the entire movie, so I didn't embarrass myself too badly. Plus there were only three other people in the theater. On the way home, I girded my loins and popped into a local thrift shop. AND GUESS WHAT! I actually had a really good experience. I plan to tell you all about it next week. But seriously. I was in the zone and actually bought two things and didn't even cry. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Anyway, all that bargain shopping inspired me to dig through some online clearance bins to see what lovely items I could find.

Honestly, I tend to avoid wearing anything that conjures the idea of "pigskin." Also, this company apparently believes everyone is square and it makes me angry.

OK, is it me, or are jumpsuits getting worse? Boo hiss. This one isn't even pretending to be modern.

So whimsical Julia Roberts from "Pretty Woman" called. She wants her man pants back.

WHY do they keep trying to make shape up shoes cute? THEY ARE NOT CUTE. They look like Frankenstein started a shoe line. I see what you're up to with those sequins, Skechers... and I'm NOT buying it.

Anything that makes people wonder if you have a hairy chest is no bueno.

Doesn't this defeat the purpose of wearing a jacket? I have never once put on a hoodie and wished I could show off my shoulders simultaneously. Call me crazy.

The saddest shorts I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Besides the fact that they are droopy and depressing, they are the EXACT color of my legs in the winter. My legs in the winter are not pretty.

Ohhh yeah, nothing revs the engine like oversized teal shirts. Rawr! This woman just oozes sex appeal.

I can't remember what I was going to say about this, except that in the thumbnail on my computer, this woman looks like spaghetti.

Before I sign off this week, I have a question for my lovely readers. I could make it a poll, but I want your thoughts. How do you feel about outfit posts? Like when a blogger actually posts what she's wearing? Self absorbed or helpful? Because I could totally do it if it would be helpful, but since this isn't a "What I Wore Today" blog I don't want to overwhelm with self-centeredness (ie. LOOK AT HOW CUTE I LOOK!) I was thinking once a week because honestly, yesterday I wandered around in camo pants and flip flops. They aren't all winners, folks. Let me know in the comment section and we'll see what the consensus.

Happy weekend!

Pattern Mixing for Beginners

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I will preface this post by saying this look is NOT for everyone. If you're still learning that pleats on pants are weird, this is probably a little advanced for you. HOWEVER, if you're moderately fashion savvy and want to look up-to-date, you can totally handle this.

I'm talking about pattern mixing, people.

Once upon a time, mixing patterns was scary and unknown, like Mars. Did I ever tell you I'm really scared of aliens? One time my husband was off camping and I was home alone watching a 20/20 special about aliens and I swear I cried myself to sleep. That was a classic Jae tangent. Back to the topic at hand. Ah, yes. Pattern mixing need not make you cry yourself to sleep. As long as it's done properly, it can look totally current and subsequently make you look like you know everything about fashion ever and then be the envy of playgroup.

When wearing two patterns together, the most basic rule is this: At least one MUST be a graphic print. This is because two wishy waashy prints, say, floral and paisley, are going to make you look like a crazy hippy slash Laura Ingalls lookalike. So long as you have a graphic print, such as a dot, stripe, zig-zag, whatever, you can make this work.

Once you've chosen your graphic print, you can choose your coordinating print. This can be anything, but be warned. The crazier the print, the more vital you stay within the same color family as your graphic print. So, stripes and florals can totally work so long as they are monochoromatic, whereas choosing two graphic prints lets you go crazy with the colors and I won't judge.

So, after you've chosen your two patterns (ONLY TWO, PEOPLE) you can then add accessories. It's vital that your accessories act as anchor pieces, so please for the love of all that is holy choose neutrals. Anything else is insane. Like, Bjork at Fashion Week insane. Please don't.

I feel like some examples are in order.


Dot dress
$35 -

Red Herring stripe tee
£10 -

Long sleeve top
£30 -

Floral print skirt
£10 -

BC Footwear metallic shoes
$45 -

Old Navy heeled sandals
$33 -

Tan handbag
$30 -

Hurley bag
$40 -

Bow jewelry
$7.99 -

Wet Seal hoop earrings
$11 -

All Saints striped scarve
$43 -

Here I have two examples of supercute pattern mixing. Notice how the first has a graphic and a more traditional print? See how they're both coral? Happy times! It's totally cute and fashion forward and springy. Now can you imagine the tragedy that would have been colored accessories? TOO matchy: you just want to look coordinated. The nude in the accessories acts as the anchor that keeps this outfit from sailing into Crazytown harbor.

The second look I had more to play with as far as colors because dots and stripes are both graphic prints. They can look a little more bold since there's less for the eye to take in. Plus, polka dots are adorable and make me want to eat my arm from the sheer cuteness. Still, you'll notice that the accessories are fairly neutral to keep everything together.

So do you feel like pattern mixing is something you can do or are you like Jae, you're Crazytown's resident crazy person? Although I will say, as always, if you think you "can't pull it off" then you probably can't. Because you'll try it and feel awkward and then LOOK awkward and that'll be the end of it. But if you want to give it a shot and work it and be confident, it's probably going to work for you.

Remember that it's just fashion. Email me if there's any other trends you want to try but don't know how. So long as it's not droopy crotch pants or jumpsuits (shudder), we can make it work.

Safe Hot Weather Workouts!!

Monday, July 25, 2011

For those of you who love to work out in all types of weather "Safe Hot Weather Workouts" is for you. Although I am not one to say don't exercise when it's warm out, I do think you need to be extra careful when it's really hot.

This July has been awesome for nice warm weather. Last week it actually got up to a very uncomfortable 50 degrees with the humidity. That's HOT!!

If you're not careful, if you are exercising in extreme heat, you could wind up suffering all sorts of heat-related health issues.

So what do you need to watch out for when exercising outside in the heat, and what can you do to avoid these issues?

Potential Problems

A hard workout in the heat is filled with potential dangers. The most likely to occur is dehydration. While headache and exhaustion may seem harmless dangers to suffer, severe dehydration can have more serious consequences. You may become dizzy and be unable to maintain your balance, which puts you at risk for all sorts of injury.

But dehydration isn't the only danger of hot-weather working out. You can wind up with heat exhaustion or heat stroke. With heat exhaustion, you feel weak, suffer muscle cramps, and your internal temperature rises. When your body temperature rises above 104 degrees Fahrenheit, your body can't produce any more sweat, or you lose consciousness, it's probably a heat stroke.

Since heat strokes are responsible for hundreds of deaths each year, you don't want to push your body to this point. Fortunately, avoiding heat stroke and other heat-induced issues isn't too difficult if you're careful.

Keeping Cool

Plan to do some outdoor exercising in the midst of the summer? Then you'll need to take some steps to keep your body from getting too hot for its own good. The most obvious way to avoid heated health issues is to stay hydrated. But what kind of hydration is best in the simmering heat of mid-summer? Nearly any kind of fluid will help, but stay away from alcohol. Instead, go for the most plentiful drink on planet Earth: water. For extreme conditions or in the event you'll be pushing yourself for more than 30 minutes in an extremely hot environment, go with a sports drink that provides electrolytes you lose during your workout.

You can also avoid overheating by working out when the sun is not directly overhead. This means exercising either in the early hours of the morning or after the sun has started going down in the evening. Additionally, you can keep your body from suffering heat-related problems by wearing loose-fitting clothes that absorb your sweat. As a final tip, your outdoor routine should be called off for the day if you feel any symptoms of a heat stroke or heat exhaustion coming on. In the event you begin feeling weak, tired, or have other heat-related symptoms, get inside and drink up. Doing this can help you prevent your minor symptoms from turning into something major.

Tips for Safe Hot Weather Workouts

1. Drink tons of water. Don't skimp on your water before, during and after your workouts. Always stay hydrated.

2. Wear lots of sunscreen. Don't waste your money and grab a 4 or even a 15 sun protection. Be sure to get at least a 30 and use it all over including your face. I know it can be a pain to apply everyday, but if you are going to be exposed to the sun, it's worth doing.

3. Wear a hat and sunglasses. Protect your head and eyes.You only get one of them, don't take them for granted.

4. One of the most important tips I think is, don't go and do your workout when the sun is at its strongest, which is generally from between 10am and 4pm. Get up extra early or wait til evening when it has a chance to cool off.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

Freaky Friday: Letters to Fashion

Friday, July 22, 2011

Have you guys ever seen the website Dear Blank Please Blank?

It's only the funniest site EVER. It makes me die. Although me and my brother who lives in Botswana really enjoy First World Problems as well. Not that it has anything to do with anything. I'm just saying.

So, today I thought I'd write a few love letters to our fashion offenders. You know, just to keep it personal. That's how I roll.

Dear En Vogue:

You've really let yourself go.

On the other hand, you have the right to lose control. (GET IT!? HAHA)

Kisses, Jae.

Dear Purse:

Do I put you in my vacuum? I'm always running out of bags.

Confused, Jae.

Dear type of girl who would carry something like this:

Please don't hurt me.

xoxo, Jae.

Dear Model:

Might I interest you in a sandwich?

Hungrily, Jae.

Dear Maker of these sweatpants:

A pig in a tuxedo is still a pig.

Love, Jae.

Dear shoe:

You have a garbage stuck to you. How embarrassing.

Cordially, Jae.

Dear short dress wearing model:

I can see your Fallopian tubes. Pants next time?

Hopefully, Jae.

Dear Claire, the awesome reader who sent me this:

You are my second favorite. Next to Steve Buscemi. Even so, I probably wouldn't wear him on my dress. While he is the best part of The Wedding Singer, (Best man! Better man....) he may be the least attractive man alive. Sorry Steve. I feel like you know. But hey, my face isn't on a dress, so more power to you.

Call me!


Dear jumpsuit makers of the world.

Stop. Just stop.

Wearily, Jae.

Dear Model:

You look like me when I go to stay at my parents house and forget hygiene and shlump around in whatever I dig out of my little brother's closet.

I like it.

Love, Jae.

Dear Prada.

$1,500? Really? I already have legs.

Grumpily, Jae.

Happy Friday everyone!

Attack of the Mom Bum!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I'd be lying if I said I didn't get the inspiration for this post while at the pool. So thank you, ill-fitting swimsuit wearers of the world!

I always say I'd like to write a book for what REALLY to expect after your pregnancies. Like, after all of the baby care business and all that, I'd like to write something that had two chapters dedicated to the following subjects:

1) Your bum will never look the same.

2) Trampolines will make you pee.

Instant bestseller right?

But seriously, what is it about pregnancy that is a total bum ruiner? It's like you lose all this baby weight and are rewarded with a pancake for a butt. It's depressing and droopy and it makes me sad. While I can't do anything about the state of your actual butt, I do know how to make it look perky and young in a really good pair of jeans.

On the bright side, a pancake bum is usually skinny and it means you've done an awesome job at losing the baby weight and you should be proud of that. So definitely look for clothes that show off your awesomeness and makes Sir Mix-a-Lot swoon. Speaking of which, did I ever tell you about the time I was grooving to Baby Got Back at full blast and my father in law came down to talk to me about something? I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying because I was trying to detract from hearing all about Sir Mix-a-Lot's anaconda. It was embarrassing.

ANYWAY, I'll give you some ideas on how to fight the evil attack of the mom bum!


Jane Norman bohemian style top, £30
Old navy, $40
Not Rated beach sandals, $50
Clutch bag, $25
Zara feather jewelry, $9.90

Trousers are the BEST when your bum lacks overall volume and shape. The fact that they're a bit higher waisted gives you the illusion of a rounder bum. Low rise jeans are not your friend and also, you're not 16. Trousers also hug your bum and then usually fall straight to the ground, so you see the best part and everything is camouflaged. YAY! Look for tab pockets that sit higher in the tush to detract from a lengthy bum. I bet you never thought you'd be worrying about your lengthy bum, but there it is. Also, adding definition at the waist and then wearing a shirt that offers a little coverage makes everything look super balanced. Plus, I love the 70s and wish I could dress like Farrah Fawcett every day. You can too!


Black top, $23
Shirt top, $15
Linen skirt, £18
Betsey Johnson crystal earrings, $35
Waist belt, £15
Canvas bow jute wedge, $30

When wearing skirts and dresses, a-line is your friends. While I totally have no problem with anyone wearing a great pencil skirt, you might be self-conscious about putting so much of the goods on display. If you want to try a pencil skirt, I recommend doing one with a cardigan for some coverage. Otherwise, a supercute flirty a-line floats away from the body, making your waist look teensy and your butt less of the main event and more of a supporting factor. Awesome if you're looking for more modesty.


Rue21, $30
Hollister co, $50
Old navy shoes, $3.50
Satchel bag, $45
Beading necklace, $15

The pockets on your jeans are going to make a huge difference in how your butt looks in pants. Always, always, always look at your butt when trying jeans on. Always look for pockets that are in proportion with the caboose. Tiny pockets are going to look ridiculous on this large, flat expanse of fabric. If you really want to get extra credit, look for flap pockets or rhinestones to round out the back a little more fully. These jeans are especially helpful because of the fading. They'll make everything look perkier, but BE CAREFUL. Too much fading can be trashy and gross. I want this outfit immediately.

Now this is where I should wax poetic about how my kids have changed my body and how they were worth everything but sometimes it's like THANKS A LOT, GO TO BED. While I'm big on self-love, I'm also big on recognizing flaws and knowing how to dress them so yo feel more confident. Mom bum doesn't have to be a life sentence. Some cute jeans and you'll have a moneymaker that makes you look like, one of those rap guys girlfriends.

Even white boys have to shout.

Cardio Vs. Strength Training

Monday, July 18, 2011

Is one better than the other: Cardio vs. strength training?

More than likely, you know people who are nuts about cardiovascular exercise. They love running on the treadmill and riding the stationary bikes. Lifting weight? No thanks. And if you know many people, you likely know a few weight lifting folks who would rather be stranded on a desert island than have to spend time doing cardio.

But not you. You're wise to the ways of overall good health. You know the benefits that are offered through a well-rounded exercise routine that incorporates cardiovascular exercise as well as strength training. You're just unsure how much to get of each and when each is appropriate.
That's about to change.

Understanding Your Body

Before going any further in this article, there is something you should know. Everything from this point forward requires you to know what is best for your body. To have this knowledge, you need to spend time in the gym, trying out different routines and intensities to have an idea of how your body responds to certain exercises and how well you like certain exercises. If you're already armed with this knowledge of your body, you are clear to continue reading.

If you train hard, you'll not only be hard. You'll be hard to beat. - Herschel Walker

Order of Operations

One of the biggest questions about strength training and cardiovascular exercise is which should go first in a routine. Ask certain people, and you'll learn that getting your cardio in upfront helps you burn more calories during your strength training. Ask others, and you'll hear the exact opposite. And ask a few others, and they'll say you'll burn the same amount of calories regardless.

While there is no consensus on which should go first, you need to make sure you get in strength training and cardiovascular exercise on a regular basis. And to make sure you don't suffer injury during either, spend a few minutes warming up and stretching before each. Warming up is as simple as jogging lightly or performing a few repetitions lifting very light weights. Once the warm-up is over, gently stretch the muscles you plan to work out during your routine.

Separate But Equal

While some advocate performing cardio and strength training in the same routine, others claim separating them is the secret to health and strength. With this, you're not stuck trying to figure out whether to go with cardio or strength training first or last. Rather, you do nothing but strength training on one day, while you save the cardio for another day. The upside to this is being able to focus all your energies to one pursuit each day. The downside? If you really only like strength training or cardiovascular exercises, spending an entire workout doing what you don't prefer can seem like torture, and you may wind up skipping those days that are filled with exercises you don't care for.

Intensity Defined

Once you figure out when you are going to lift weights and when you're going to head to aerobics class, you're still stuck with a question: How hard do you work out? A question that can be exceptionally difficult to answer and depends largely on your goals and how you go about your routine.

Doing both cardio and strength training on the same day? You'll want to push yourself on whatever you choose to do first, but don't push so hard that you won't be able to push yourself during the second half of your routine. This may mean you give 80 to 90 percent in your first half so you'll have the energy to give about that much during the second half.

Planning to split up your cardio and weight lifting on different days? Then you give yourself the opportunity to push your body to its full abilities on both. Choose this path and go ahead and push yourself as hard as you can. With a good night's rest, you should be ready for the next day's routine.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

Freaky Friday: The WTH Files

Friday, July 15, 2011

In my quest to make fun of stuff of a daily basis, I usually come across things that aren't so much funny as they cause me to gasp audibly or shake my head. My favorite part is that not only did someone actually create these monstrosities, but actually attempted to try and get people to PAY MONEY for them. Oh, poor weird product creators. Instead, you're sentenced to a life of being ridiculed by fashion bloggers until the end of time.

Plastic cowboy rainboots. When you want a little more flair for shoveling poop out of stalls. Don't worry, at least the horses will be SUPER impressed.

The swimsuit hoodie. If I had a nickle for every time my legs, arms, butt and chest are warm but my head was freezing, I'd probably get a job.

This could be the most idiotic thing I've ever seen. So they're gloves... with "Yes" and "No" written on them so you can use hand signals to talk to your friends. Problem is, you probably don't have any if you're wearing these. Because your friends would have all gotten tired of the fact that NODDING was too difficult for you.

Couple things here: When would you ever walk around with this on your face? Also, I believe Mario was Italian. This is awkward.

Also, I might have a Princess Peach shirt because I'm a Nintendo nerd. Contemplating cutting holes in it so I can wear it over my face.

Oh, hey Crocs. Thanks for ruining anything remotely cool, like feet or the iPhone. If I was Apple, I'd sue for defamation.

Hey! Turn your hand into baby's favorite toy! And never have a life! Just stand there with your hand out while your baby uses you as a play thing! Then, go into a deep depression! YAY!

Waitaminute! Are you telling me I can wear JUST the bacon, JUST the eggs, or THE BACON AND THE EGGS TOGETHER? Two points for innovation, plastic earring makers of the world!

Also, where were these on my anniversary? Rawr!

So one of my brothers spends a lot of time in Japan and loves him some toe socks to wear with his sandals. But this is just lazy. Are real flip flops really that much of a hassle? Also, why are all the toenails painted? Sexist socks!

If a guy came up to me wearing this jacket, I wouldn't hesitate to find the "Esc" button. HAHAHA I kill me.

Does anyone feel a draft? Or just wildly awkward and uncomfortable?

Cigarette socks. Toe ash - it's so hot right now.

This shoe has a ponytail. It looks like Madonna and it haunts my dreams at night. IT HAS HAIR.


Also, a reader sent me this link the other day, for Brants - Bra/Pants. Oh how I wish it were real so I could buy them as gag gifts for all of my friends. Super freakin' hilarious, actually. I love submissions, so drop me a line or post on my fan page if you find something totally WTF-worthy!

Happy weekend, friends!

Birthday Love!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'm actually not one of those people who is all "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BOW DOWN." In fact, my husband and I were married on my birthday, so it's also my anniversary. And everyone thought I was crazy but it doesn't bother me much. Plus I got to have birthday cake at my wedding. It was awesome. But, since it WAS my birthday yesterday, I shall report and show you what I got. Because I like doing that.

Since it was my birthday slash anniversary, my hubs planned to take a half day off, so we hauled the kids to Tucanos to eat ourselves into oblivion. You must know that on my top 10 list of things I hate the most in the entire universe is having Happy Birthday sung to me. I feel SO awkward and I never know what to do with my hands and I just hate it. So when the Tucanos people came out banging the drum and shaking the tambourine, I was happy to know that no one knew it was my birthday. UNTIL one of the waitresses walked over and asked if anyone was celebrating a birthday. I must have answered too quickly with "No," because she then asked, "Are you lying?" to which I replied "Yes." KILL ME. So they handed over a tambourine and I was supposed to play along. Instead I just looked around awkwardly and handed the instrument to my son who was infinitely more entertaining and less self conscious.

After that, I took my daughter along to get a pedicure, which I needed in the worst way. Note to all of the ladies, NEVER allow your husband to be nearby during the payment portion of the pedicure. Mine had taken our son to wander around while we had our nails done and came back to pay. He then had a heart attack and had to be rushed to the hospital. No, not really. But almost. He also loved the fact that it took me approximately 30 seconds after leaving the nail salon. Classic Jae.

We headed home, where my hubster handed over the goods!

Check out my new white gold diamond key pendant, y'all! I'm so happy with it. My husband ALWAYS expresses concern over the fact that he usually gives me jewelry for most special occasions, like I'm not going to like it or something? Yeah, diamond-encrusted necklaces are THE WORST. Ugh, I just hate pretty things.


So after assuring him I liked it and taking pictures of it so you could see (hello, boobs!) I also got an anniversary (or was it a birthday?) gift, which was a pound of this stuff. Clearly he has no idea how little will power I have and how fast I will eat it ALL. It's my favorite treat in the world. I also got a couple shirts and a new book. Another perk of having your anniversary and birthday on the same day? "Sorry we had to combine them" presents. You know what I gave him? A new pillow. I wish I could say it was for friskiness, but it was really just that his old pillow made his neck hurt. We've been married for eight years and are getting old and frail.

Then, SOMEHOW I convinced him to take me to see Monte Carlo that night. Can I point out he was the only male in the entire theater? And that we knew someone there? Embarrassing! But I cannot abstain from my 16 year old girl romcoms! I just love them too much. BTW, Monte Carlo was AWESOME... for high school sophomores.

So, I'm another year older, which is OK because I never remember my age anyway. I don't understand the concept of lying about your age. Maybe I'll change my mind when I'm like, 70, but I hope I'm one of those spry, feisty 70 year olds who like, swim a mile a day and carry their own groceries and catcall at 60 year old men.


Also, I'm happy to announce that I reaped enough in awesome birthday money to purchase my beloved glitter TOMS! My husband refused to buy them for me yesterday because he thinks they aren't sensible. Yeah, because my entire shoe collection is soooo sensible.



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