Freaky Friday: Designer Edition

Friday, January 28, 2011

I feel like we haven't done a designer Freaky Friday in a long time and I SO LOVE perusing designer collections for scary clothing that costs as much as a used car. Of course, looking through designer clothes makes me want to buy all of the pretty things as well. Like this Alexander McQueen dress.

*drool* I only need a couple of things... $2,500 with which to purchase it and somewhere to wear it without looking like a psycho. PTA meeting anyone?

These shoes are $1,900. They would have been only $100, but the extra $1,800 is for the ridiculousness.

OMGOMGOMGOMG I found a pothead poncho, but this time by a designer. This thing costs $1,500. Why wouldn't you just pick one off of your dirty floor and wear that instead? It's free. As an added bonus, it probably smells like pot.

But how will I get through doorways? PS this shirt (?) is $3,200. Can you imagine wearing this to like, church or something? Great style, but why do you need armor?

Quite possibly the ugliest $4,000 vest of all time. What's with the triangle in the middle? It looks like a swimsuit cover up at an old folk's home.

I'm sorry. I must do a throwback for this $2,500 jacket.

Rufio likey.

(I will admit that I used to have SUCH a crush on Rufio when I was like, 11 and me and my friends would fight over who got to be his wife when we played house. Yeah.)

These are clearly made for Britney Spears circa 2002 ONLY. And they're $7,000 so only she can afford them. Sassy!

I don't care what anyone says. I saw this $2,200 vest....dress thingy on Janet Reno Dance Party.

I... I just don't even know what to say anymore. This looks like a biker did the deed with a figure skater while listening to Cyndi Lauper and out popped this monstrosity of a baby. And then everyone said it was "breathtaking."

Would it be totally inappropriate to make a joke about anorexia here? What about hunger in general? Rats. FINE. Here's a weird skeleton dress for $1,300. I can't wait to see Lady Gaga wear it in protest of the killing of baby koala bears or something like that.

Oh, designers. You are so silly sometimes! But much like a dog who pees on the floor yet charmingly chases a flashlight, I just can't stay mad at you forever. Try harder next time please.

Happy Friday everyone!

2 Day Winter Workout Program

Monday, January 24, 2011

If you live in Ontario, or somewhere where it snows, then you know you better learn to embrace the snow or the winter can seem like a death sentence. I have to admit I’m a warm weather kind of girl, but this winter we have been loving the cold and snow. We built a ice rink for the first time this year and it’s been great. The kids are out on it most days, and loving it.

Last week my oldest daughter (12) came to my husband and I and asked if 3 of her friends could sleep over on Friday. I’m not a fan of sleepovers, especially at that age, because they just don’t want to go to sleep! Well to guarantee she had a sleep over, she tells my husband she wants to build a quinzee and they all sleep in it. What!! That for sure will work. My husband was all over it. Of course, you can do that. How many will be sleeping in it? Of course you can…..that was it, done deal.

Well, he was busy with a meeting so Thursday evening, I went out with Kendyll and started shoveling the snow into a huge pile. This was quite the chore. After an hour my back was killing me, even after telling myself to pull my belly button in and use my legs. It was a slow process. After about an hour and a half, I sent Kendyll to bed and my husband came out to help. We still had a long way to go. The problem was, even though we had a fair amount of snow, we ran out of it in the back yard. So we dug out the tarp, and headed to the front yard.

I’m sure our neighbours thought we were crazy, shoveling our front yard onto a tarp. We then would drag that around the side of the house. Talk about using your legs and core muscles. Whew! Snow is really heavy. We did that for another hour and a half. Now both of us were exhausted. As we stepped back to look at our pile of snow, I knew it was killing my husband. He had to work the next day and then that meant it was left to me to dig it out. These are the kinds of things he loves to do, not me. We had to let the snow sit before we began digging it out so that job would wait until tomorrow.

Around 2pm I headed out back, gathered my sticks to use and broke them into 1 foot pieces. I stuck them all over the snow pile and then I began. At first it seemed like I would never even make a dent, but then I started to notice a difference. I few times I got snow in the face, but it was coming along. With all the pushing and pulling, I could totally feel my back, shoulders and triceps–I was getting double workout! After 2 hours of digging and dragging out snow, I thought I was done. I tested to make sure 4 of them could fit in there and I thought it would be tight but doable.

As we were piling in tarps, foam mats, sleeping bags and then the girls themselves, I thought cool, they were really going to sleep in it. Once you are in there, it’s actually quite warm. There wasn’t a ton of room to move around but definitely enough room to sleep. Ready with extra hats, mitts and even sleeping bags the girls actually got a decent sleep…me on the other hand, stayed up most of night worrying and checking to make sure everything was ok. Of course it was and in the morning that was all I heard about. How cool it was to sleep outside in the quinzee.

The first picture is actually not of our quinzee, but ours looked very much like that(without the dog). I was slow enough not to get a picture the following day. Then we got unusually warm weather and everything began to melt. Before it completely collapsed I did manage to get a pic. It was actually tall enough that I could completely sit up and wide enough for the 4 girls to sleep. I had placed a tarp over the door so the cold air would stay out. So as you can see, getting in a workout doesn’t have to be traditional. This took me 2 days to do and believe me when I say it was hard work! Think outside the box. You will not only have fun discovering something new, but you may build a lifetime of memories:)

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

Freaky Friday

Friday, January 21, 2011

K, first things first. To find out who won the gift card giveaway, check out the Swag Page. Good times!

Now, onto the good stuff. I think the theme of today's Freaky Friday is "Fashion that someone legitamately thought was a good idea but it wasn't," because the bulk of it was taken from Etsy. I mean, I love spending hours ignoring my children and browsing cute things on Etsy as much as the next person. Handmade flowers? Yes please! Cute shirts? Sure thing! Uterus pillows and vajayjay necklaces? Errr....

My aunt in Canada sent me a pic of these pants with a note that they were called UFO pants. Then I relaized that they totally reminded me of Seth Green in "Can't Hardly Wait."

RIGHT? Oh I so love that movie. After I saw it with my friends when I was like 14 I went home and printed off a zillion pictures of Seth Green and put them up in my room because I was a weird kid and I always liked strange characters. Anyway, the best part about the pants is that they expand at the ankle. For when you're having one of those days where you just don't love your lower legs, I guess. On the bright side, there is a side pocket to hold your copy of the kama sutra!

If you'll notice the title of this Etsy listing, these are described as "Upcycled." If these are UP I don't want to know what they looked like before.

You'll just be the belle of Nascar with this Dupont bandanna dress. Unfortunately, the beer and red neck are not included.

Calling this a "blouse" really is using the term loosely. This is a "blouse" like Lady Gaga is a "lady".

Sometimes my heart hurts a little when people make things and then try to sell them for $25 because they're proud of their work... but when you have to wear a skirt under your jeans I feel like it's no longer worth the money. But um... nice bracelets?

Remember like three or four years ago when Lindsay Lohan was all mad because Paris Hilton and her friends kept calling her "Fire Crotch?"

That is all.

This totally matches my uterus pillow, y'all! It's a uterus pinata. I can think of a few times I've wanted to take a baseball bat to my uterus too, amiright??

Seriously though, the description says that it's perfect for celebrating your daughter's first period. And subsequently your daughter's understandable emancipation from THE WORST PARENTS IN THE WORLD.

Yes! These are just SO FUN! Isn't incontinence a HOOT!?

My brother sent me this, telling that it made MY Snuggie look prehistoric. Then I told him to never talk about my Snuggie like that and hugged it. Then I thought about adding this person-shaped sleeping bag with this:


...You would basically never need a house. Of course, then you'd be homeless and crazy but hey! You could sleep snazzily on a plane so everyone wins!

Remember to send any Freaky Friday contributions to nomoremomjeans@gmail. OH! And did you notice that my new website is now? So save your fingers and stop typing blogspot! You're welcome.

New Year's Giveaway!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A little somethin' somethin' to celebrate 2011... 18 days late. Go me.

Check out the details on the giveaway page and then come back to follow me and raise my self esteem. Because if you know anything about me, you know I have really low self esteem and whatnot.


But still!

3 Exercises to Sculpt Your Chest

Monday, January 17, 2011

If you are like most women, this is probably your least favourite muscle to work. You generally don't see results as quickly as say working your legs but none the less, keeping the balance is important. Having a strong chest can help eliminate chronic neck, shoulder and bicep strain. It can also help with poor posture. And nothing beats a body that is strong, balanced and feels great.

I know you all want to have great looking arms and shoulders as well. Along with working your chest muscles (pectorals), in the following exercises you will be working your triceps and shoulders as well. How can we complain about exercises that will give us such a well balanced, great looking upper body, right?? Well whether you hate em or love em, the following 3 exercises are great to add to your exercise library for chest exercises.

3 Exercises to Sculpt Your Chest

1. Push Up

This is my favourite chest exercise. There are plenty of variations. This is a standard push up. You want to make sure your hands are shoulder width apart and that your hands are under your shoulders. If you are just starting out, stay on your knees. If you are needing more of a challenge, get up on your toes. Either way you choose, be sure to pull your belly button in and exhale as you push yourself away from the floor. Start by doing 2 sets of 5. If that was easy peasy then do 2 sets of 10 and so on. You should feel this is your chest, triceps and a bit of shoulder.

2. Incline Bench Press

This is a slight variation from the flat bench push up. You need to prop up the back of the bench just a little so that you are between flat and 45 degrees. Make sure you keep your back pressed against the bench and you want to press a weight up over your chest and lower until you feel a slight stress in the chest and back up again squeezing your chest muscles. Try and always exhale on the push up.

3. Stability Ball Push Up

This is another one of my favourites. If you really struggle with push ups, this might be the place for you to start. The ball will help support your weight and you can easily control how hard you make your push up by how far out you roll with the ball. For example, the more hips that are supported the easier it will be. As you roll out and have only your shins or feet on the ball, you can get a very challenging chest exercise. Now not only is it a challenge but you need to have balance to complete the exercise. Again always have your belly button pulled in, this helps to protect your back, and exhale as you push up.

Those are 3 great exercises to add to your chest library. You can do them at home or at the gym. Always start out with one set of however many you can do. If you feel good then you can add to your sets and reps. Happy Pressing:)

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker

Freaky Friday: Stripes Gone Wrong

Friday, January 14, 2011

There was about 10 seconds there when I considered naming this post Naughty-cal (Nautical? GET IT!?) but it was far too punny for my liking. Plus, I feel like that might attract a different kind of fan. I don't know what kind of fan that would be, but I know it would be wrong. So you get a generic title instead. I Spent way too much time contemplating this.

Also, I would like to point out that Jenna is the big winner by correctly identifying that F21 model from my last post as Nicole Linkletter from America's Next Top Model. She was right. I Googled. Now I want to do a 'z' snap. Let's all do one. That feels goooood.

I love me a wellie as much as the next girl. I have an adorable friend who wore wellies with her wedding dress and I just wanted to eat her arm it was so cute. But tin man wellies with stripes make me angry. Plus it makes this model's knees look chubby. Now I can't stop staring at them.

When rompers and stripes collide, it's time for a Friday evening drink. Also, can someone explain to me the logistics of using the washroom whilst wearing a romper? Because that alone is enough to discourage me from wearing glorified pajamas out of the house.

On the bright side, this could be really cute in state penitentiaries. Wow, I spelled that word right on the first time.

Quite possibly the UGLIEST sweater I've ever seen. Luckily it's on sale for $345 OMG WE ARE IN A RECESSION PEOPLE.

I believe this is referred to as "Too much of a good things." Also, Beetlejuice!

And where exactly does one wear awkwardly striped prison shorts? And with what? CLOGS! Clogs with everything!

I love this dress. It's like business in the back, yet unwashed Ke$ha in the front.

I'm sorry, I can never see one of these gross poncho sweaters and not immediately think pothead. I knew a girl growing up who positively lived in one of these. She looked like a weird boy. That was the 90s. They are still selling them.

Sweet mother, I've been watching too much football lately. So this ugly poncho comes to you courtesy of the nights where I sit up and poke my eyes out while my husband watches games he doesn't care about. I am too pretty to like sports.

I feel like, by now, you should no the difference between good stripes and bad stripes. If there are any further questions, comment away. But in general, polished, adorable sailor: good, Beetlejuice, Ke$ha and pothead: bad. It applies to so many other things.

How to Wear: Stripes

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It's a widely held belief in the fashion community that horizontal stripes make you look wide. It's only natural. It's a trick that your eye plays when it looks left to right on the body, rather than up and down. And there are some instances when stripes are really scary ugly too. But yesterday I was thoughtfully shopping (I call it research) and I noticed that nautical is coming back in a big way. And nautical is synonymous with stripes. So that means you're going to be seeing a lot of stripes in the stores. And I really don;t want you to be left out of the trend.

Nautical is one of my favorite styles of clothing because it's so crisp and clean. Also, I own a boat. And I totally wear my striped shirts on the boat, even though it is not a sailboat at all. I am AWARE of how ridiculous I am. Navy and red are two of my favorite colors and I love wearing them together. But add in some stripes and you're walking on "Does this make me look fat?" territory. And then your husband feels awkward and you get in a fight and I won't say I told you so. But I told you so.

HOWEVER, if you know the right way to wear stripes, you can incorporate them into your wardrobe without looking like a fat sailor, I promise. Here's my tips.

Wear stripes as accessories. This hairband from Bambako makes me squee with delight. Then you could totally do like, trouser jeans with a white tank and a little cardigan and I would be happy for you. Anchor accessories are big right now too, so snap 'em up if you're nervous about actually wearing stripes across your torso.

If you do want to try some stripes, go with a deep v or scoop neck. This shows a little more skin so it breaks up a lot of the wideness that a crewneck shirt may have. Also, some added interest also helps to break of the line so it's not so very uniform. (Buckle)

If you weren't blessed with lovely lady lumps (like myself) totally use stripes strategically to balance out your frame. Stripes on the top only make a wider line so if you're pear shaped (also me) you can balance out a narrow shoulders and bust with wider hips. Insta-hourglass! (All Saints)

K, so just because stripes are "in" doesn't mean you have to festoon your entire body with them. What would you say if I told you I was wearing this shirt RIGHT NOW? Because I totally am, I bought it yesterday. While researching. Ahem. Anyway, I was drawn to it because it's obviously very forgiving if you tend to overeat AND it has an inkling of stripes without the whole shebang. I'm wearing mine with a black cardi, skinny jeans and riding boots. (Forever21)

Now, stripes are a lot less graphic and jarring if you look for a monochromatic color scheme. Compare this shirt to a black and white stripe. The black and white has a bigger contrast and is more noticeable. Heather gray and dark gray? Totally cute. Also, notice that the shirts on this page all have a medium to small stripe. That's because a super chunky stripe can make you look, you guessed it, super chunky. (Debenham's)

Another reason stripes can be difficult to wear is that they are a uniform pattern. We've talked about this before. Uniform patterns can be tricky because you notice any little bulge or pucker in your problem areas. You can still do stripes by choosing a more abstract pattern, like this one (also from Buckle.)


Finally, a foolproof way to wear stripes is to flank them. This means to create a bookend-type look by wearing a cardigan, blazer or whatever, so there's a clear start and end to the stripes. This can actually fool the eye into seeing LESS of you. Take the above outfit. Stripes, a soft cardigan and a belt make the stripes a little more wearable, even with a wider stripe.

Don't fear the stripe! Try on a few items and mess around with the styling and you may find that you really can do nautical. On Friday we'll talk about the wrong way to do stripes and nautical and I feel like we'll have all of our bases covered and we can ALL pretend we're attractive sailors.

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy

Monday, January 10, 2011

I just got back from dropping the kids off at the bus stop. It is a beautiful morning. It's cold, but it's sunny. The snow is crisping under your feet and you are definitely wearing mitts and hats. If there was a wind it wouldn't feel so much like a beautiful day.

It's the perfect day for oatmeal. I love oatmeal. It's my favourite breakfast, and it's so good for you. I have said this before, but it's so important it's worth repeating.

What you eat, makes up 80% of how you look and feel!

Wow! That means that if you are 30 pounds overweight, feeling tired during the day or just don't feel good in general, I would say "what are you eating?" It never ceases to amaze me how the body reacts to certain things and food is no exception. If you don't eat enough, if you eat too much, if you aren't getting enough protein, or carbs, it all affects your body and how you look and feel. Amazing eh?

If you are having a tough time then you may want to see a nutritionist who will be very specific with your needs. If you want to have a general go of it you can follow some simple steps.

1. Cut the sugar. This I know I've said before. Sugar is basically poison and you should get rid of it. It's in everything so read labels carefully. If nothing else at least cut it down.

2. Combine your meals. What I mean is, have some protein, carbs and veggies with each meal (well at least protein and carbs, you may not want veggies for breakfast:) )

3. Eliminate or cut down on processed foods. Basically everything in a box is processed. It's amazing to see all the processed foods in your cupboards and fridge.

4. Drink more water. Most of us don't drink enough. Carry a bottle with you, or know what you need to drink during the day and fill that in the morning. Then you know you must drink the container before the day is through. You could always start with 1 litre. Work your way through that for the day and increase as it becomes easier.

Try doing 1 or 2 of these things at first. Master them. Let them become a habit and natural for you. Once you have accomplished that then add another thing to master. If you do too much too fast, you will feel over whelmed and most likely give up. Take baby steps and you will be successful!!

Here are a couple of my favourite recipes to help you get started:

Egg White/Spinach Wrap
( If you don't like the look of just egg whites, combine 1 whole egg with 3/4 cup of egg whites)

Here's what you will need:

  • 1 teaspoon olive oil
  • 1 garlic clove, minced
  • 3/4 cup tomato, finely chopped
  • 2 cups spinach, roughly chopped
  • 1 cup egg whites
  • dash of salt and pepper
  • 2 sprouted grain tortillas
  • 2 Tablespoons pesto (purchase it pre-made, or combine 1/2 cup walnuts, 2 cups basil leaves, 2 cloves garlic, 1/4 cup olive oil, and 1 Tablespoon lemon juice in a food processor and blend until it becomes a paste.)
  1. Spread a tablespoon of pesto over each tortilla and set aside.
  2. In medium sized skillet warm the olive oil over medium heat. Add the garlic and sauté until golden. Add the tomato and cook for another 3 minutes. Add the spinach and cook until it is soft and wilted. Remove the veggies from skillet, set aside in a bowl.
  3. Pour the egg whites into the skillet, season with salt and pepper. Cook until the egg is no longer runny.
  4. Arrange half of the egg whites in a line down the center of each tortilla. Top with half of the veggies and then fold the ends up and wrap like a burrito.
Nutritional Analysis: One serving equals: 288 calories, 10g fat, 28g carbohydrate, 6g fiber, and 21g protein.

Moroccan Stew

This stew is perfect for a cold winter day. It is packed with antioxidant-rich vegetables and fragrant spices. Serve this stew over a scoop of cooked quinoa (one of my new favourite grains--it's light and the kids love it, and its a complete protein, or whole grain brown rice.
(If your kids are like mine and not too keen with spicy foods, cut the spice down and see if you can work up to it. I always go mild first)
Yield: 6 servings

Here's what you need:
  • 1 1/2 cups plus 3 tablespoons water or vegetable stock, divided
  • 1 large size yellow onion, finely chopped
  • 2 large size red bell peppers, seeded and chopped
  • 2 or 3 garlic cloves, minced
  • 1 teaspoon agave nectar or pure maple syrup
  • 1 teaspoon ground coriander
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
  • 1 teaspoon grated or minced fresh ginger
  • 1/2 teaspoon saffron
  • 2 medium size sweet potatoes or garnet or jewel yams, peeled and cut into 1/2 inch cubes
  • 1 can (15oz) diced tomatoes, undrained
  • 1 can (15oz) chickpeas drained and rinsed
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  1. Heat 3 tablespoons water in a soup pot over medium heat. Add onion, peppers and garlic, and cook for 5 minutes. If the water begins to evaporate, add a little more.
  2. Stir in the agave nectar, coriander, cinnamon, cumin, ginger and saffron and cook for 1 minute, stirring constantly. Add sweet potatoes, and stir to coat. Stir in tomatoes, remaining 1 1/2 cups water and chickpeas. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low.
  3. Simmer until sweet potatoes are tender, about 30 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, then serve over quinoa or brown rice.
Nutritional Analysis: One serving equals: 141 calories, 1g fat, 29g carbohydrate, 6g fiber, and 6g protein.

These recipes have lots of protein and good carbs. They will fill you up and provide you with the proper amount of energy you need for your day. You will feel good and you will be eating healthy.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker

Freaky Friday: Worst of 2010

Friday, January 7, 2011

Sooo I had to point out all of the crappy fashion we've had in the last year. Sometimes I sit down to read my Glamour magazine and then they promise me that harem pants are one of the year's most wearable styles and I want to punch a cat. WHO DECIDES THESE THINGS? It's annoying. And the worst part is they're $1,400. Welcome to the real world, where people wear pants not worn by a sultan's brothel.

That was a tangent. I know. I just really hate when that happens. How about an in depth look on normal clothes one in a while, fashion and lifestyle magazines? Just once I'd like a column about sensible heels and how to accessorize a t-shirt.

But alas, we were still fairly pelted with poor fashion choices, and I finally get to make fun of them today. Oh, I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for this. And by whole life, I mean since Wednesday.

Oh culottes! Half short, half skirt, YOU PERPLEX ME. I will say that I had a pair when I was six, and I thought they were the coolest because my mom would let me wear them to church and then I was all rebellious. Then I turned seven and I was like, so over it.

How about Ed Hardy on EVERYTHING. It's totally fine, if you want to look like Satan barfed on your clothes.

Also, I'd like to point out that I went to the beauty supply store in the mall to buy my gargantuan bottle of Big Sexy Hair Spray Mousse and I got stuck behind a guy who was deciding which Ed Hardy hair dryer to get his wife for Christmas. Like, seriously guy. You can be a d-bag, but don't drag your wife's hair into this.

Asymmetrical anything. It will NEVER be OK with me. Remember when January Jones turned up at the Golden Globes or whatever in that blue dress and everyone was like "OH! So avant garde!" And I was like please, it looks like they ran out of time to finish the thing. Also, she was terrible on SNL so I have no respect for her.

FRINGE. The website where I get a lot of my Freaky Friday material (which shall remain nameless) is always taunting me with fringe as the "Editor's Pick." Why would a floral tank top ever need fringe? A formal biker wedding?

Droopy crotch pants. Because you have something to hide.

And while we're at it, K-DASH. Enough with the harem pants. PLEASE. Normal girls see you wearing them and think they can pull them off. You look paunchy. So will they.

Scary ankle boots. Extra points if they're open toed. And laced. And nude.

Dressing like you're on the American Olympic gymnastics team. Unless you're winning gold or needing attention in order to sell records *cough*Gaga*cough* this is not for you. No one should be that well acquainted with your ladyparts grooming habits besides your man and your gynecologist.

Bodysuits. I don't care what you say, they are basically footie pajamas. Also, remember that one time I tried one on at Forever 21 like an idiot? I am so embarrassing.

Sherpa clogs! This shoe has no purpose. It's too short to wear as a boot and too hideous to wear as a heel. Avoid! Or wear in Denmark where I assume they actually have use for clogs.

Cheers to a prettier 2011!


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