Freaky Friday: Royal Wedding Edition

Friday, April 29, 2011

Just in case you weren't tired enough of Matt Lauer going on about the wedding, I had to weigh in. I'll admit I absolutely did not get up to watch the wedding take place. Instead I woke up around 8 and tuned into the Today Show for the sole purpose of seeing the dress. Union for the British Monarchy? I don't care... what was she wearing?

Um she was wearing the most awesome dress of all time. The only thing that makes me sad is that now this dress will be mass produced and everyone will wear it. C'est la vie. But this dress was spot on. The creative director for Alexander McQueen dressed her and I think it is pretty brilliant. I'm so relieved she didn't end up in some foofy concoction.

Speaking of concoctions, how many alcoholic versions did this girl drink before getting dressed? The only thing worse than the electric blue dress is the shoes, clutch, gloves and wackadoo hat. So basically the whole outfit. It looks like she was trying to fulfill the tacky drunk bridesmaid role.

So I love Joss Stone, but she always looks generally unwashed and barefoot. How did she clean up this nicely? I covet this dress. And the hat? Cute without being psychotic and attention grubbing UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.

Just kidding, not you Queen Elizabeth. I can't say anything mean about you because I'm Canadian.

I LOVED Pippa's dress. And the name Pippa. If I ever have another baby, I will name it Pippa, boy or girl. Just kidding, I'll never have another baby. Next fish I get. Pippa for sure.

Unlike Miss Tim Burton over here. Like, she's totally not married to Tim Burton but her outfit is a little creepy like a Tim Burton movie is. Although, after looking at all of these pictures I feel like I need to invest in a pair of gloves.

Hellllooooo Mrs. Prime Minister! She did it right and looks like she was also reading my blog and learning about the importance of a nude shoe. I appreciate your allegiance! She's lovely.

You know what really helps Victoria Beckham's ice queen reputation? Wearing all black to a wedding. Not to mention I hate when pregnant women cover their bumps with giant clothes. Show it off! It's the only time it's socially acceptable to have a gargantuan belly.

Becks on the other hand looks dapper and adorable and I want to marry him immediately even though his voice is jarringly high and feminine.

Oh sisters. I can only imagine that Eugenie thought she would steal the show with her bright blue dress until Beatrice sauntered in with a massive cameo necklace pinned to her head. IN YOUR FACE 'GENIE!.

Kate's mom looked adorable. And I always feel badly for Camilla. I would really hate to be known as the other woman for the rest of my life. Of course, that's because I've never been an other woman and that would be a fat lie. Maybe it's different if you really are the other woman?

So, now that the wedding is over, can I get back to watching normal TV again? I swear, if TLC plays another version of the Wills and Kate love story instead of Strange Addictions I WILL cry.

(Photo credits: Geoff Pugh, REUTERS, Getty Images and PA)

Smoke and Mirrors

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

So I was driving around with a friend the other day, and we were discussing how we both needed to get into shape because swimming season is like, next month despite the fact that I live on a flipping mountain and I'm fairly sure it will never stop snowing, ever. Anyway, she made a comment about my being in shape and I almost laughed out loud. I know for a fact that my love of Big Macs and Mini Eggs will never allow me to be one of those intimidating hard-bodied workout types. It's just not me.

Still, I workout and *mostly* eat well, but the rest is all done with clothes. I completely believe in the power of clothes to trick the eye and make me look thinner than I really am. Plus, as a teenager, I had two best friends who were impossibly tiny and I still think of myself as the chubby one. I know I'm not chubby, but teenager stuff like that NEVER goes away. So I obsess over smoke and mirrors to get in shape without having to hit the gym. It's all about the instant gratification, baby!

Want my secrets? Ooookay. But first I will point out that anyone who knows me in real life will now know the jig is up and see that I only fake being in shape. Boo.


When I'm feeling a little chubby 'round the old middle, a scarf is the fastest way to bring the eyes up to the face. Plus, it's long enough that it lengthens out the whole torso so everyone wins. Seriously though, it's also the fastest way to look fashionable without doing anything. I wear a scarf when I'm in a white tee and jeans and don't feel like putting anything else together. Skinny and fashion forward? I'll take it! Just look for gauzey scarves. 10 points if it's the color or this one from because I heart it.

Wide Belts

After my second pregnancy, when my body didn't do the old bounceroo back into shape like the first time around, I took to wearing wider belts a lot of the time. And people would be like "Hey, how'd you get into shape so fast?" But really I'd just tucked it all in. Is that gross? Anyway, a wide belt can really camouflage a larger belly AND create a middle when you lack one. The big trick is to ensure that it isn't too tight. Sausage belts are a pet peeve of mine. Let it hug you, not squeeze you. There's a difference. Ask a boa constrictor. (F21)


I wear dresses all. the time. Not only do they make me feel super feminine, but they make me look skinny, so bonus. It's because dresses create a long, uninterrupted line on your body so you look overall leaner. If you really want to go for full skinny potential, look for an a-line dress like this pretty one from Ruche. Add a little cardigan and how cute and svelte are you?

Trickster Shoes

Nude pumps are the equivalent to Bridget Jones' scary granny panties in the sense that they create this glorious illusion that is in no way true. While I have fairly long legs, the rest of me is pretty stumpy (seriously, my arms are so short that I can't touch my toes when stretching. It has nothing to do with flexibility, I swear) but when I put on a pair of nude pumps, I suddenly have these crazy long, slender legs and actually look something akin to statuesque. Of course, then I come home and put on my polka-dot cow socks and the illusion is utterly ruined, but I got it for a few hours, right? Look for nude pumps that have an open design. Straps and buckles need not apply. (PiperLime)


Structure can help lock and load your body so you look more put together. Wearing empire waist shirts and loosey goosey pants is all well and good, but when you're having a fat day, forget about it. Stick with button up shirts, blazers and more tailored pieces. And how adorbs is this Buckle blazer. I would be lying if I said I wasn't considering going to the mall and buying it immediately. Tailored clothes like this will shave inches off of your frame (not literally, that would be super dangerous) and nip in your body so you look tinier. Seriously. If I'm wearing a blazer, you can be sure that I binged on Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies the previous night and am making up for it via clothes.

Oh clothes, you never fail me.

Freaky Friday

Friday, April 22, 2011

Ohh I know how much you missed a good Freaky Friday! Every time I go looking for ugly clothes, they all remind me of weird things and then I have to Google image the weird things they remind me of. Then I get super distracted and three hours later, a post is born.

I was at the zoo last week and for some reason I picture this in the small animal house, in a terrarium. With dads taking pictures while the moms say "ewwww" and try to direct their kids to the koala bears.

Now, Nicole Sherzinger ... Schriezing... whatever her name might be is a perfect example of a pretty girl made ugly by hair and makeup. I don't even care that she's wearing her workout clothes because she's stumping for Reebok here, but OMG what is up with her horns? And why does her face take up so much of her head? Can't... stop.... looking.

Just in case you were wondering what goes with your shrunken tribal bustier. Pantaloons. The answer is always pantaloons.

Ohhh that's what I forgot to add to my outfit today. Oven mitts!

(They're so hot right now)

HAH! See what I did there? I couldn't stop my fingers from typing that if I glued them to my desk.

Possibly the world's most unflattering pair of pants. First of all, they start at the neck. Then add a droopy drawstring, some shine and the world's largest crotch. Then throw $245 into a wood chipper in front of nine starving babies. Fashion is silly.

So this is the side view of a handbag. I couldn't even get to the front view, because all I could see was a certain friend.

WILSON!!!! They've made you into a sequined purse? WHY!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I am changing the name of this blog to "How Not to Look Thin." And every day I'll just post this dress. Until the end of time.

You know, at first I was like ew, what an ugly and unnecessary shirt. But then I got to thinking. As a girl who was not blessed with ample lady lumps, it may be helpful to have a shirt like this for informational and locating purposes. As in "Yes, the left boob is right HERE."

Girls wearing loincloths are creepy to me.

Remember when we talked about wearing florals without looking like an old timey plantation owner? Please remember this the next time you're in the market for a floral romper that is too short. I don't know WHY you would be in the market for a floral romper that is too short, but it never hurts to be prepared.

I am always down with a shirt that makes you look hairier overall. Also, are the ears really necessary?

Elise sent this to me over on the Facebook fan page (check the right sidebar) and I was so excited. You see, I am a huge King of Queens fan, so naturally it reminded me of Carrie's Christmas sweater.

So I dug around and found a picture of it, laughed for a while and then mourned the loss of that show.

Then, when I was googling "Giraffe sweaters" I found this and laughed even harder.

And that, my friends, is why my Freaky Friday posts are always late.

Prettying Up a Pony

Wednesday, April 20, 2011, not an actual pony. Because why would I post about that?

Also, sorry for the lack of posting last week. I came home from Canada and went to the doctors for a cough, and whaddyaknow. I had pneumonia. Who gets pneumonia? Is this 1847? It was stupid. But I'm all better now!

No, I'm talking about the dreaded mom ponytail. Let me tell you, having a style blog is a lot of pressure. In the few times that someone has recognized me out and about, I panic and wonder if they go home and tell their friends that I was dressed sloppy or had spaghetti sauce on my shirt or *GASP* had my hair in a ponytail.

I'm not going to lie, I wear my hair in a pony at least one a week. But only once. And maybe on weekends. This is because I made a deal with myself that if I ever found myself wearing ponytails three days in a row, I had to cut my hair. And I am a strict mistress to myself. When I'm short on time and resign myself to a ponytail day, I at least try to ensure that there's something going on past the plain old droopy mom hair ponytail. Yes, I have THAT much pride and vanity. Also, I always run into people I don't want to at WalMart.

Ugh, is there anything worse than when you see someone at the store, chat for a minute and then say bye, and then meet up like, three aisles later? Well, yes, there is a lot worse. But that is still pretty bad.

But I digress. I won't hate on you if you have a ponytail. I understand you don't have time to do a full on blowout every day. But ponytails don't have to be shameful! They can actually be quite pretty and they don't have to take one moment longer than the traditional mom pony. Again, not an actual pony. I shouldn't have to keep saying this.

Anyway, I did my hair four times for your benefit today. My life is so hard. Also, after I was done I took my hair out and will not be wearing my hair in a ponytail because I am a hypocrite.

K, so this is a pretty common style for me. I just smooth my hair into a low pony, then I add a little hairspray into the actual pony to add texture. It's totally plain, but it looks put together and there is nary a scrunchie in sight. Please also note that I always wear dark brown hair elastics. You are not four. Put the hot pink elastics away. Use clear or hair-colored. You can also take a few strands of the pony and wrap it around the base of your ponytail and all of a sudden you look like you can do hair. Amazing!

I forgot how much I enjoy the buttons on that shirt. ANYWAY. If you're going to do a regular old ponytail, make it high and add some face-framing strands. Pulling your hair straight back can be kind of jarring, and the pieces look like I actually DID something even though this took me five seconds. I usually brush my hair into a high pony and then pull out the front strands before I put the elastic in. Then I can smooth out the top and secure it without messing up the front. I also might flat iron the front to make sure it looks sleek and not messy.

When in doubt, use accessories. They make a stupid old ponytail look like you actually spent time. I actually did a messy bun for this look. I remember my first day of high school, 14 years old, and I walked in the doors and a senior girl walked by whilst tying her hair into the perfect messy bun. I was so jealous. It took me YEARS to perfect the messy bun. YEARS. So I pulled my hair back into the bun and then folded a scarf into quarters. Once I tied it on, I messed up the back a little for the texture.

If you see me out and about with my hair like this, it's because my hair was not cooperating that day OR I didn't feel like washing it. The side pony just works with day-after-blowout hair. When you do a side pony, keep it low because this is not 1987. Secure the back along the nape of your neck so you don't have hair slipping out. Then I pull out a ton of pieces out front because I like the look to be messy and whateverish. Whateverish is totally a word by the way.

A few other notes:
-Keep bobby pins on hand. Yes, your husband will curse you every time he sucks up a bobby pin with the vacuum but it's still important. They are the fastest way to coax your hair back into shape after it goes crazy.
-Use other accessories like flowers, broaches, whatever, to make it seem like you actually care about your hair when you don't.
-Keep a bit of balm in your bag, especially if you're going to try on clothes. I HATE when my hair gets all staticky when trying on clothes. In a pinch, lip balm totally works on your hair.
-Earrings go a long way in making a ponytail look on-purpose. I'm wearing plain studs but seriously, almost any type of earring works with ponies. (NOT REAL PONIES OMG)

And, if your hair really isn't working, there's always your husband's hat.

Oh hat, how I love you. (Why am I staring romantically in the distance you ask? This is the day my Tahoe died in the rain and I sat in my husband's Jeep while he attempted to fix it on the side of the road. I am pondering the gladness that I feel that my hair isn't getting wet.)

Sizzling Triceps

Monday, April 18, 2011

I get a lot of questions on how to lose fat on certain body parts and one of the most common questions is how to lose fat on the triceps. I know that women are concerned about the excess flab that hangs under their arms. I have had many clients refer to it as their "bat wings", and "queens wave", but when it comes down to it, it's all excess fat and how do you get rid of it.

Some of my favourite tricep exercises can be done anywhere.

-tricep pushups
-tricep dips
-overhead extensions
-TRX triceps

Tricep Push Ups:

If you are first trying these, start on your knees. Keep your belly button pulled in tight and exhale as you come up. The trick is to keep your elbows glued to your body. Don't let them flare out. This is a challenging exercise, so don't worry if you can't get down all the way. Start even with a little dip in the elbows and work up to getting your nose down to the floor:)

Tricep Dips:

The trick with this exercise is to keep your back close to the bench or chair, and keep the weight off your legs. Use your arms to lift your body and you will definitely feel your triceps.

Overhead Extensions:

Keep a slight bend in your knees and tuck your bum under, this helps to protect your back. Keep your elbows glued to your ears and use a weight heavy enough to feel your triceps.

TRX Tricep Extensions:

If you are lucking enough to have access to this amazing piece of equipment--it is my absolute favourite. Most gyms now have the TRX and if you are looking for a piece to add to your home gym--it's a must:)

As always to lose body fat, you need to tweak the diet. You will not have the sizzling triceps you want while eating fast food and cookies day in and day out, so throw out the junk and load up on your fruits and veggies. Increase your cardio and you are on your way to sexy tri's.

Give this little workout a try:

After you have warmed up for about 4-5 minutes get right into it.
1. Push ups-40 sec to 1 min (it you are just starting begin at 40 sec. If you need a challenge do 1 min.)
2. Bicycle Abs- 1 min
3. Tricep Push ups- 1min

Cardio: 1 1/2 min:
30 sec-mountain climbers
30 sec.-jumping jacks
30 sec- side shuffle

4. Tricep Dips- 1 min
5. Quick Squats- 1 min
6. Over head Tricep Extension- 1min

Repeat Cardio

7. TRX tricep extension (if you have it)- 1min
8. Crunches- 1 min
9. Reverse Curls- 1 min.

Repeat for as long as you want.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

How to Wear Florals Without Looking Like an Old Timey Plantation Owner

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

If you've been in a mall, read a magazine or walked by an Urban Outfitters in the past like, two seconds, you'll notice one massive trend for spring: florals. And these aren't your modern graphic florals, but rather Laura Ashley-esque pastel florals in large amounts. The can be jarring to look at. And yes, if you wear them the wrong way, you WILL end up looking like an old timey plantation owner. But wear them right and it's super flattering and on point with spring trends.


If you don't want to go whole hog, florals on accessories like shoes can totally update an outfit without making it seem like you just wandered from Tara. Floral in small amounts is super appropriate, and how adorable are these shoes? Seriously. Buy them all. When wearing florals on your shoes, avoid matchy matchiness up top. I would do a pump with a medium wash jean and a crisp pin tucked shirt, or a flat with an a-line khaki skirt and scoop neck tee. Neutrals are best because they aren't so overwhelming with the busy patterns on the shoes.


Now, if you're ready to venture into floral clothes, skirts and dresses are a natural next step. They are pretty and girly and adorable. Remember that to look current, you want florals that are smaller and more traditional in patterns. What I REALLY love is when it looks like a traditional floral print has been enlarged, like on that maxi dress. Wear with a pale pink cardigan and you are adorable. Also, floral skirts lend themselves well to edgier pairings. I might do a flowy floral skirt with a leather jacket to temper the sweetness.


Finally, the floral tops. I have like 60,000 because I love them so much. They are super easy to wear since they have random patterns and can hide any trouble spots. Just remember to look for patterns according to your own size. If you are medium-sized, look for medium-sized flowers. The important thing about wearing these new-school florals is to make sure they have modern cuts. There's a massive difference between wearing a floor length Laura Ashley jumper and wearing a cleanly-cut cardigan.


Now, the new way to wear florals is with neutrals. Particularly nude neutrals. (Did I ever tell you that if you ask my husband what his favorite color is, he'll always respond neutral? I have no idea how we ended up married.) Anyway, I still don't mind a little pop of color. I sometimes wear my fave pink floral cardigan with my red shoes because I like how romantic the red and pink are together. But everything else? Tone it down! Or I will assume you have a Southern accent and pick cotton sometimes. PS I love those buckle-y pumps and must own them IMMEDIATELY.

So are you going to give the floral thing a go?

Getting Married--No Problem

Monday, April 11, 2011

Tighten up all your Trouble Spots for Your Big Day!

Making sure your wedding is absolutely perfect takes a lot of time and planning. You are meticulous right down to your thank yous. Since you've taken a lot of time to pick out the best dress, you definitely want to look your best in the dress, so what do you do now....

Since time is of the essence, you give yourself the best most effective workout in the least amount of time. Unfortunately you can't spot reduce, what that means is that if you want to lose some inches off your triceps or trim up your tummy and legs, you can't simply do 1000 sit ups every day or hundreds of tricep push downs and expect the inches to disappear. You will need to work your entire body to get you in wedding perfect shape!

Here is a sample workout to get you started. The trick is to keep your heart rate up and do exercises that use lots of muscles at once.

Do a warm up for about 5 minutes before hand to make sure your muscles are warm and then begin your workout.

Start out with 30 seconds of each of the next 7 exercises. Move from one to the other with no rest.
1. Jumping Jacks
2. High Knees (run on the spot lifting your knees as high as you can)
3. Push ups (on your knees)
4. Mountain Climbers (go into a plank position and drive your knees into your chest quickly)
5. Crunches
6. Bicycle
7. Plank

Squat with a Shoulder Press- 1 min
Be sure to hold your belly button in and exhale as you come up and press up.

Twists- 1 min (keep your belly button pulled in)
Rotate to each side

Lunge with a Bicep Curl- 1 min
Be sure to press up through the heel of
the front leg, and keep the pressure off the back leg.

Push Ups- 1 min
If you are just starting out, start on your knees. Keep your belly button
pulled in. This helps to protect your back.

Tricep Overhead Extension

The trick is to use a weight that is heavy enough for you to really feel your shoulders, biceps and triceps. Push yourself hard and you will get awesome results. You are going to repeat starting with the jacks at least three times. Don't rest until you finish your triceps, then take a drink and little break and get right back into round number 2:)

Of course with any program, if you want to see the best results, make sure you are eating well. You can't work out hard and eat crap and expect a great looking body. Take out the refined sugar, processed foods and you are off to a good start.

Add some interval training 2-3 times a week with this weight workout 3 times a week and you will be smoking hot in your beautiful dress.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker

Eat These Foods and Drop Pounds

Monday, April 4, 2011

It's no secret that I say 80% of how you look and feel is based on what you eat, so that's why I'm going to give you some of the best foods you should eat and make a regular part of your diet. They will give you energy and they will help you shed those unwanted stubborn pounds that seem to linger around your butt and stomach--augh!!

Instead of spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on crazy diets you are better to simply pick up better foods that will give you the body that will cause envy.


People always ask me what oil is best. The only one I keep stocked in my house is olive oil. I use it for everything. I cook with it (I know some oils lose nutrition value when heated, but I still only stock olive oil), I use it in protein shakes and even for salads. It plays an important role in the digestion and absorption of nutrients. I always choose extra virgin olive oil, which is packed with antioxidants and the good fatty acids that we need.


Protein is not the only great thing eggs can offer us. They have an anti-inflammatory effect, plus eating the yolk which contains vitamin D can have a positive effect on strength and performance. I would strongly recommend buying a free range egg. I don't eat anything but and you will literally see the difference. Free range eggs have thicker shells and a brighter yolk. They may be a little more money but definitely worth it. Try farmers markets, I always get great deals there.

Leafy Greens

I have to admit, these are not the biggest hit amongst my kids but I never stop trying. Things like spinach, romaine and even spring mixes will give you the biggest nutritional value for your buck, and butt:)


Not a favourite among many but they are packed with nutrients and antioxidants, they have cholesterol-lowering soluble fiber, protein, b vitamins and complex carbs. Did you know that one cup delivers the same amount of protein in lean beef for a fraction of the cost??

Lean Beef

I know you've heard to stay away from red meat, it causes high cholesterol and too fatty. Reasons for not skipping an eye of round or top sirloin: it is high in leucine which is a powerful amino acid that stimulates protein synthesis and muscle growth. It also contains ion and zinc. You need iron for oxygenating your muscles and you need zinc to support immune function and to recover, repair and grow after you exercise.
(Nutritionist Keidi Skolnik)

Did you know that beef is a thermogenic? That means your body has to work harder to digest it so you will burn more calories by eating it.

Now I have to admit that I only eat free range meat. For me I don't like the idea of extra hormones as well as I like my protein to walk and graze in the open.


These tiny things have sometimes received a bad rap based on their fat content. But I can't tell you how great they can make you feel. They are perfect for protein and fat content and give you the perfect amount of energy. Nuts have a very low glycemic index and are loaded with antioxidants. Just be sure not to eat the entire container. Although they are tiny, they will go along way... stick to about 10-15 of the little guys or you could dramatically increase your calories.

Oh, be sure to avoid the salted, flavoured kind. Remember plain is best:)

The following is a sample of what you should be eating:

Breakfast: 1 cup cooked oatmeal, with dash of cinnamon and raisins or cranberries. I pear and 4 pecan halves.

snack: 1 apple with low fat cheese string

Lunch: Green leafy salad with vinaigrette dressing. 4 oz of skinless chicken breast

snack: 1 cup grapes with 10 almonds

Dinner: 4 oz of top sirloin steak, 1/2 cup cooked brown rice with sauteed veggies in 1 tsp of extra virgin olive oil, 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker


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