8 Completely Lovable Swim Trends to Try

I know, I know, I'm sorry: It's time to start talking about swimwear again. I know it's the first week of May, but it's going to start heating up and it's good to have a month head start. I know I've been looking around.

Let's just take a moment to thank our lucky stars that there is so much CHOICE when it comes to women's swimwear now. It used to be that everyone had to wear those high-cut Baywatch bathing suits and that wasn't even a good look for the women actually on Baywatch.

Therefore, there is way too many options for you to be scared of swimwear this year. I've been seeing cuts, colors and styles for literally every body type and issue. Moral of the story: Nothing should be between you and the beach (or local pool) this year.

Quick disclaimer: Because swimwear is so touchy (hi, let's hang out almost completely naked) I really don't judge when it comes to swimwear styles. I think it's one area where you should wear whatever makes you feel amazing, whether that's one-piece, tankini, bikini, whatever. Just as long as you're not getting into the pool in like, shorts and a t-shirt because that's comfortable for no one. I don't believe swimwear is like, this personal crusade that defines your whole belief system. It's just a bunch of Lycra, so whatever.

Moving on: Here are some of my fave swimsuit trends this year. Seriously, I am actually overjoyed at all the cool stuff designers are doing to acknowledge that we aren't all shaped the same. Thanks, guys.

I love: Feature Tops

(here)

This just in: I have small boobs. But I'm pretty "whatever" about it. And I've come to appreciate the fact that girls will small boobs can pull off looks that some of our generously-endowed friends cannot. I love love intricate feature tops like this one. It adds a ton of interest to the suit (and a little visual pick-me-up). This is adorable -- I'm also loving flutter tops and sweetheart necklines this year too.

I love: Super Chic One-Pieces

(here)

If you're more of a one-piece girl, I can totally respect that. I have no torso to speak of, so they can look awkward on me, but I do have one! And how much do I appreciate the fact that one-pieces had a teen movie-like makeover recently? This one could not be hotter with the one shoulder strap and the little peekaboo. Add an oversized hat, a maxi and wedges and I will actually hate you for being so cool.

I love: Flaw-Hiding but Totally Cool Tankini Tops

(here)

I'm pretty obsessed with these loose tankini tops lately (which you can find with or without straps). I think they're a perfect way to modernize your swimwear even if you're not ready to put everything on display. They're modest without frumpy, and as a mom who is constantly eating churros at the pool, I can respect that. 

I love: Fuller Coverage Tops

(here)

Could you not just die from cuteness overload right now? I am definitely into the fuller-coverage sleeve on swimsuits and will definitely probably grab one for myself. Last year I bought a rash guard and loved having something to keep my shoulders covered. Obviously this is less functional, but still so super cute. And there's something so sex-ay about unexpectedly showing a little less skin, you know?

I love: Crocheted Tankinis

(here)

You can go ahead and thank Pinterest for this one. There was like, one singular crocheted tankini in existence last year and this year, they're everywhere after it was pinned a bajilion times. Perfect for showing a little skin without committing to a bikini. Just remember that the top is supposed to be a little loose, rather than like, skin tight.

I love: Midkinis

(here) 

I bought a midkini (a corset-like bikini top that comes lower down on the rib cage) last year and it ended up being my favorite suit ever. I liked that it gave some extra coverage and added a ton of interest to the top half, while looking totally appropriate with more moderately-cut bottoms. It's kind of a vintage-y and girly look that I love. I definitely have my eye on this one. 

I love: Ombre Suits

(here)

Listen up, girls-who-don't-like-their-hips: Ombre suits are kind of genius. Because they start light and melt into a darker color, they can help minimize parts you might not be in love with. The best part? Ombre is totally on point, so you look really good doing it. Just look for a suit that is lighter at the top -- a pattern like this paired with a deep-v is also super flattering. 

I love: Paneling

                         

(here)

If you tend to worry about being wide across the middle (or the chest) look for a swimsuit that has panels of solid color down the sides. It'll create a nice, long line of pattern from your neck to your hips and the black is super flattering. I always say it's like the swimsuit equivalent of one of those swimsuit coverups sassy old women wear that have a bikini body printed on them. 

Also, plus size girls, I feel ya: Trying to find swimwear that supports the girls and doesn't look matronly is tough stuff. MY only advice is to try on, try on, try on. And then try on some more. Look for moderately-sized patterns and fun details (I love the tie on this one) One shoulders on plus sizes are awesome too!

Alright, does that help remove some swimsuit trepidation? It's pouring rain here, so it's kind of hard to think that we're just a few weeks away from lazy pool days, which I am very excited about. Now -- onto the swimsuit search!

Have any favorite trends you wanna share?

Size Vs. Shape: Dressing When You're a Size 4 or 24

So get ready, because we're talking sizes today. The good news? I have literally everyone covered here:

One mistake I repeatedly see happening is women who dress for their size, rather than their shape. And it makes me sad, because you have these plus-size women who feel like they have to buy clothes that don't really fit just because of sizing issues.

The problem with that is that by wearing clothes that fit your size – but not really your body – can make you look bigger than you are and mean you miss opportunities to show off some of your best features.

The truth is that you shouldn't be dressing for the number on those pants. Like, ever. Instead, whether you're a 4 or a 24, you should be dressing for your SHAPE. And, since we know that getting dressed is all about balance, you can definitely dress according to your bod no matter what size you are.

Even if you're not a sample size mannequin lady, it doesn't mean you can't have great style. Check out below: I've done two outfits for each shape. On the left is the misses size and the right is plus size. It's pretty clear that both look awesome.

Hourglass Shape

Black cardigan, $30 / Black cardigan, $35 / Dorothy Perkins top /
J TOMSON plus size top /
  i jeans by Buffalo Floral Print Pencil Skirt / H M plus size skirt, $13 /
Zara flat shoes / Platform pumps

If your boobs and butt are comparable in size, but your waist is small, congrats! You have a killer balanced silhouette and you don't have to do much. No matter what your pants size, it's all about emphasizing your seriously little waist and showing off whatcha got. Pencil skirts are faaaaaaantastic for this, since they're cut to show off curves (and you probably have ah-mazing legs). I like to add a little softness to my pencil skirts, since they're so structured. Add a heel and you're in Jessica Rabbit territory and I hate your perfect body.

Avoid stuff that is shapeless, please.

Big Bust/Inverted Triangle Shape

Worthington pleated top / Morgan v neck top, $42 /
Dorothy Perkins wide leg trousers /
Old Navy plus size black jeans / ALDO high heel stiletto pumps /
ALDO pointy toe pumps

If your bust is larger than your waist and butt, we call you an inverted triangle. Here's the rule of thumb for you: Volume on the bottom, structured on the top. Adding a trouser or bootleg jean helps balance out your top half, while a V helps make your neck look longer, as long as you put your puppies away around the children. I actually have this misses version of this plus-size top and it's uber flattering. Some definition around the waist also helps avoid that whole tent-like top thing that happens because you were blessed with a hefty chest.

The worst thing you can do with big boobs is to go for skinny jeans and big, blous-y tops. They'll make your top half look bigger than it is.

Pear Shape

American Eagle Outfitters black button up shirt / Women plus top /
J TOMSON fitted blazer / Mossimo black velvet jacket /
Jones New York plus size pleated skirt / River Island black and white skirt, $20 /
Forever 21 t strap sandals / Dorothy Perkins black high heel shoes / ASOS stretchy belt /
  CHARLES KEITH waist belt

Hi, friends. I'm pretty pear shaped (I carry weight in my butt, but have a relatively small waist), so I'm right there with you. And while I don't mind that there are rap songs written about backsides like my own, it's possible to look disproportionate when you're smaller up top. My solution? A-line skirts and a cinchy belt to show off a tiny waist and balance out your bottom. Plus A-line skirts are fun. I also love love love wedges for people like me, because they help balance out a generous booty. Sir Mix-A-Lot would be proud.

While it's totally fine to wear a pencil skirt or skinny jeans, balance it out with a more voluminous top and you're good to go. A stronger shoulder is also really flattering, since it builds out your upper body a bit.

Apple Shape

AB Studio white black polka dot dress / Plus size dress /
Red shoes / Qube flat shoes, 

If you carry your weight in your middle, you get to be named after a delicious piece of fruit and my favorite way to convey peanut butter into my mouth: An apple. Because you tend to be a bit rounder in the middle, structured shirts can look awkward and uncomfortable. Instead, I looooove a wrap dress (and wrap shirts) for apple shapes. The wrap can start at the smallest part of your waist and then flow out so you're not left awkwardly adjusting your dress all night. This creates emphasis at your best spot and camouflages a rounder tummy. Ugh, I just said tummy. I just told my husband that I hate grown women who say "I need to use the potty" and now I'm just as bad.

The worst for apple shapes are tight shift-type dresses and waaay too much layering. Keep it simple and choose clothes that already have interest built-in. Also, mid-rise trouser jeans are definitely your friends.


See? Your size doesn't matter so much as your actual body shape. And while I obviously can't cover every single type of body, keeping balance in mind should help you shop -- whether it's in the misses or the plus-size department.

Because really, who the heck cares about your dress size when you look amazing?

Boob Week: Adventures in Bra Shopping

Fun fact: I had more hits on small boob day than on big boob day. Does that mean that most of my readers have small boobs? Questions of the universe...

Anyway, this post isn't about bra advice, because I've already done that here. It's more about the surviving of the actual bra shopping. I am pretty picky with bras because hello, you wear them every day. I'm also picky because I HATE bra shopping. I feel so inept and dumb and frumpy when compared to the sleek girls who always work a lingerie shops and always know way more than me. I've gotten more comfortable over the years, but I still totally procrastinate getting a new bra. Here are some things that make it less vomit-inducing for yours truly.

• Wear a bra. Just do it. When you don't, you make Tina Fey uncomfortable.
• Dress appropriately, especially if you'll be getting measured. You'll be measured over your bra and if you're wearing a huge padded bra, your measurements are going to be skewed. I suggest wearing a thin T-shirt bra. If you're nervous about disrobing in front of a complete stranger, you have two options. 1) Wear a thin T-shirt over your bra and ask the lady to measure over top or 2) Measure yourself at home. Here's how. 
• Measure often. I would say every 6 to 12 months. Your boob size totally fluctuates with weight, skin sag (that's gross to say), pregnancy and age. You are not the same size you were in high school so stop buying your bras that way. 
• Go alone. Bra shopping is not when you want to be wrangling kids in the fitting room or locating your son as he feels up a mannequin (I have a brother who did this as a kid). You'll need some time, so pawn the kids off on your husband. 
• If you have less boobage, you don't have to be as choosy as to where you buy your bra. Most lingerie and department stores will have your size. If you have larger boobs, I would say to head to a department store where there are more than just one brand of bra. That way, you can try on a variety and choose one that fits you rather than being stuck with just one brand and fit. 
• Do the test. When you're trying on a bra, lean forward and see how it looks. If your boobs are totally spilling over like a 1890s barmaid, you may need to go up a side. If your boobs aren't filling the cup at all, you may need to go down a size.You want a nice cleavage bump and that's it.
• Put a shirt on over top of the bra when trying on. You should check to see if any of the bra parts - ie, lace - are visible through the shirt. 
• Buy different bras for different purposes. I have everyday molded bras, going out pushup bras, convertible bras and T-shirt bras. One bra might not cut it for all of the different clothes you wear. 
• Don't over-buy your bra. If you have small boobs, you don't need all the bells and whistles of someone who needs more support. In fact, I am constantly taking underwires out of bras and swimsuits because I don't need 'em. If a salesgirl tries to sell you on breathable mesh and spaceage design, give her the stinkeye and ask for something more basic. 
• Be prepared to shell out. Bras are expensive and it's a bummer, but you're going to be wearing it A LOT. Budget for it. Especially if your bras are typically hard to fit.
• Check your back. A good bra band should be tight enough that it supports you and wide enough so that you don't get back fat. If your back looks kind of sausage-y, you need yo go up in band size. It should feel smooth and supportive. 
• Move around. I've found many a slippy shoulder strap by rolling my shoulders and moving around in a bra to see if I can detect any problems before I buy.
• Stop worrying about your boobs in general. I get it. The bra fitting room is weird. You're forced to look at yourself in harsh lighting and you're intimidated by the lady who keeps flinging other bras over the top of the door at you. But big boobs, small boobs, lopsided boobs, ski-slope boobs -- the point of a good bra is to make them look their best.
• Know that this is not normal. Not only do normal people not look like this when trying on bras, but I have never once just casually hung out with my friends in our bras and undies while taking seductive pictures. Don't compare yourself to the images in the store and feel frustrated when a bra doesn't magically give you huge boobs, better abs and equally hot friends.

 When I was like, 13, I was sitting in my room listening to music when my mom flung a padded bra at me and closed the door and I realized that she was trying to tell me something THANKS MOM. Hopefully your first bra experience was better than mine. And hopefully your next bra experience is less traumatizing. I just bought some, so I'm pretty much golden until like, 2015.

Boob Week: For Big-Chested Girls

OK, those of the big boob variety -- it's your time to shine. I know it kind of seems like  a history professor teaching a science class because I haven't been as blessed as you, but I did get to experience the glory of big boobs with my pregnancies and nursing. And boy was it fun. PS my friends and I just saw Austenland yesterday and now I have a burning desire to use the word "bosom" throughout this post.

But I digress.

But still, here's why it's awesome to have a big bosom tee hee:
1. You have big boobs.
2. No one ever wonders if you're a guy or a girl, even if you have an androgynous name like Alex. I had a waiter like that once.
3. You always have a place to rest snacks.
4. Joan from Mad Men. I girl crush on her so hard.

I totally get where big boobs can be annoying. You end up with guys constantly looking down your shirt when all you really want is a good back massage because those suckers HURT. For me, dressing big knockers isn't about shamefully hiding them, but dressing so that a) people look at your face (I'm not even gonna lie, when boobs are out I don't know where to look) and b) you create the best shape possible for your bod. 

Here's some tips.

• Define. A. Waist. Big boobs can make you look heavier than you really are when you wear baggy clothes. Shirts that have bubble hems, square hems and the like probably aren't for you. You need more structure so use a belt or buy tops with distinct parts for the bodice and bottom.
• Accessorize with skinnier scarves. I have a friend with waaay more boobage than me (Hi, T!) and she was complaining that big scarves like I wear make her feel like there is A LOT of volume. A skinny scarf will allow you to accessorize without feeling like you're suffocating to death. 
• When choosing necklines, your best bet are scoop and v-necks. They'll help to define your shape and slim you out a bit. Steer clear of sweetheart necklines unless you're Dolly Parton. And definitely avoid anything with a high neck. I'm looking at you, big-boobs in a turtleneck.
• Watch out for skinny straps. Now listen, I don't really like tank tops on anyone over the age of 17. And the skinnier the strap, the bigger EVERYTHING else looks. If you must wear a strap (and seriously, I think there are a bazillion other sleeve lengths more flattering ) look for something that is thicker. It'll give you more support and not show off this huge expanse of skin.
• Go for tailored styles whenever possible. A blazer? Perfect because it gives you a more defined shape. Even if you like  a more boho look, layering a more structured cardi over a loosey goosey shirt will help counteract the unstructured style.
• Make friends with a tailor. I don't have big boobs, but I do have hips that are much larger than my waist. Buying pants a size up and tailoring them back is the only way to get the right fit. With you, it'll be tops -- structured blazers and tailored shirts may need to be purchased a size bigger. For $15 you can have some darts put in so it fits perfectly. 
• Skip anything described as "chunky." Like necklaces and sweaters. They'll only emphasize size.
• Look for tops and dresses with stretch. Stiff fabrics create serious uniboob. 

More inspiration pour vous. 

Jane Norman top, $35 / Mango shirt / Linea elbow sleeve top, $24 / Merona cardigan / Wallis top / Open front cardigan / Boyfriend jacket / Xhilaration Juniors Cinch Waist Sheer Top Assorted Colors

Look: Your boobs are hard on your back, but they are glorious to behold. Dress 'em so that you completely use them at their fullest advantage without like, scarring a small child for life.

Next up, it's all about bras. Check back for some bra shopping tips and that time a girl awkwardly gave me a coupon for free undies in a Victoria's Secret.

Boob Week: Small-Chested Girls

As promised, it's Boob Week here at How Not to Dress Like a Mom, which means we're going to be talking about workin' with what you've got, making your girls look amazing and saying the word "boob" a lot. Sorry, I just can bring myself to say "breast" without trilling the 'r'. Brrrrrreast!

Anyway, we're going to kick things off by talking about little boobs. Yes, I'm talking to you, A and B cups. I am right there with you.

Here's why it's awesome to have small boobs:
1. Clothes fit well.
2. You can wear button-ups without your bra peeking out to say hello.
3. They don't punch you in the face while you run.
4. You can buy cheap bras and it's OK.
5. Buying swimsuits to fit your ladies is easy.

Let's just get one thing straight. While I might suggest ways to flatter small boobs, I think it's important that there is NOTHING wrong with them. You do not need to be Kate Upton to feel feminine and awesome, b'okay? I actually think that having a smaller chest is nice because it's kind of a blank canvas. I can get away with dressing really girly or dressing more androgynous-like. So, these are suggestions for creating a more balanced silhouette, but let's not down-talk the boobs. Ask your husband. He thinks they're great.

Tips for dressing small boobs:

• Look for volume around the chest. I love swimsuits that have frills and gathering around the chest because it makes the ladies a little more shapely. The same goes for shirts -- gathers, embellishment and draping are all your friends. 
• Trick the eye into thinking you have a girlier figure by nipping in at the waist. Peplum tops are great for this, as are wrap tops (I LOVE wrap tops) 
• When wearing dresses, look for frills, pleating and other interesting details. A straight sheath will do you no favors. 
• Belt stuff! It'll define a waist and give you more of an hourglass shape. 
• Patterns are awesome for you. Even horizontal stripes, you lucky dog.
• Take some risks. Because you have small boobs, you can get away with unbuttoning your skirt, wearing a keyhole top or going for a deeper-v because your cleavage won't cause old ladies to tug at their pearls and say "Well I never!"
• Sweetheart necklines are ah-mazing for small boobs. See also: Why I immediately buy anything with a sweetheart neckline. 
• Layer up! Because you're more -- uh, streamlined -- in the torso, you can wear drapey cardigans and jackets and scarves and add a ton of interest to your outfit without any bulk. 
• Chunky necklaces - yes. 

Need some ideas? OK! For more inspiration, you can look at literally any of my outfit pictures because we are kindred spirits.

Dorothy Perkins collarless shirt / Merona layered cardigan / Minuet Petite bright blue shirt, $31 / Dorothy Perkins cap sleeve shirt / H&M shirt, $24 / Fenn Wright Manson top, $40 / Shirts blouse
 

Count yourselves lucky, small-boobed ladies. You get to try a lot of new trends and don't wear a v-neck and feel indecent. It's awesome.

Big boobed ladies? You're up next! Check back tomorrow.

8 Ways to Feel More Confident in a Swimsuit

(I heart my pink ruffled swimsuit and not caring!)

I've spent A LOT of time in the swimsuit fitting room lately. The Mr. and I are headed to Maui next week for the birthaversary and I wanted some new suits. I've bought three in the last week which might be a little out of control. Also, I got this epic sunburn from a day at the reservoir from my strappy one-piece. Don't worry, it's only turned into the world's worst tan line. I'll be hanging at the pool trying to get rid of it today.

Anyway, I was thinking about swimsuits in general. Love 'em or hate 'em, summer means you have to wear 'em. I feel pretty confident in my swimsuits but there are days where I just want to hide and wear a snowsuit to the pool, especially after I look at Jessica Biel. So I've gathered up some tips to feel more confident in your swimsuit so you fear the pool no more. Honestly, it's too hot to worry about how you look.

1) Get a tan. Not a real one. Hello, that's dangerous. But a fake tan? Yeah, it definitely makes me feel more comfortable in a swimsuit because it camouflages some imperfections that I don't like -- like the scar I have on my belly from being burned by a bad monitor in the hospital. Yeah that happened. I use Jergen's Natural Glow because I'm too spazzy to do a one-shot tanner, but I will get a Mystic Tan on occasion.

2) Be nice to yourself. Guess what? Your body has been through a lot, especially if you have tiny humans following you around as a result. It's time to be nice to yourself -- like, the kind of nice you are to your friend when she wears a cute new suit. I gained a size with each pregnancy and it took a while to realize that I'm not 17 and will never look 17 again. 17 year old Jae had freakishly elastic skin. Not gonna happen again. So I've learned to be nice and recognize that I still have to give my bod credit.

3) Slap on some mascara. I won't go to the pool fully made up with perfect hair, but I will put on some waterproof mascara (I'm using waterproof L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes lately) and make some sort of effort with my hair -- usually a side-braid or beachy waves aka not blowdrying my hair and using mousse. Call me shallow (because I totally am) but it makes me feel pretty.

4) Quit looking at everyone else. I think -- as women -- we have the tendency to size up every other woman at the beach. You know who doesn't do that? GUYS. Because they don't care one bit. Women, on the other hand, are busy comparing cellulite and creating some sort of sick scale, gauging where they fall on the measure of bathing suit hotness themselves. I know because I've done it. In the past few years though, I've learned to not compare myself to other people in swimsuits. Some are bigger, some are smaller but we all feel pretty darn vulnerable in swimwear. Nowadays, I keep to myself.

5) Wear what you love. I kind of hate arguments like "You should wear a modest bathing suit because men will think dirty thoughts," "Chubby? Wear that full piece like it's your job" and "No boobs? Wear a swimsuit with lots of interest at the bust." How about this one? "WEAR WHAT YOU WANT." I don't discriminate when it comes to swimwear. If you try it on, feel good in it, then wear it. One-piece, two-piece, bikini, dress for YOU and no one else.

6) Sneak in a workout. This is completely mental, of course. Going for a run one time before you hit the beach isn't going to change the way your body looks. But I know I always feel better in a swimsuit after I've made an effort.

7) Stand up. Please. Posture will seriously help the way you feel in your swimsuit -- and make it less obvious to everyone else that you'd rather just crawl into a hole and die. Head up, shoulders back, abs engaged. Do it.

8) Remember who/what you're wearing a swimsuit for. Look guys, you're not competing for Miss America here. You're taking your kids to the pool. You don't have to look perfect. There's no judge awarding points and no reward for being the skinniest person at the pool. Hiding on the sidelines because you aren't "beach ready" just means a lot of sweat and your kids missing out on having you get your splash on. Yes I just said that. But you know what I mean. Swimsuits are simply devices that allow that to happen.

I saw this graphic circulating on Pinterest. Mind the language, but I thought it was pretty funny/truthful.

BOOM. 

Repeat after me: It's just a swimsuit. It does not define your value as a person/level of hotness/your entire belief system. The sooner you learn that, the easier it is to suit up, head to the pool and float around in all of your confident glory.

Why You Don't Have to Totally Love Your Body

This post has been rattling around in my brain for a while, so bear with me.

I have two fairly prominent scars on my face: One on my nose from last summer and one right above my lip from when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it's from when my youngest brother threw a VHS tape at my face, but don't quote me on that.

Now, every "body love" thing I've read is all like, flowers and rainbows about imperfections. Hooray! Your scars make you unique! Stretch marks are beautiful! Your big nose is distinguished!

Okay, so I get the sentiment. It's good to be confident, yes. But do I love my scars? Nope. I hate them. I hate them so very much. I cover them with makeup just about every day because they irk me, even though I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who notices.

Here's the problem with being pressured to love your body. It goes something like this:
1) Have something about your body that you dislike.
2) Hear someone say that you should love it anyway.
3) Try.
4) Fail.
5) Feel extra bad because now, not only do you dislike something about your body, but you feel bad that you can't embrace it and are quoteunquote "not confident."

That's two times the bad feelings, people!!

It was as I was slapping primer all over my nose scar and repeating positive affirmations about scars being A-OK that it finally hit me. Guess what? You don't have to like everything about your body. In fact, you can straight up dislike stuff about yourself and it's okay. 

Here's the thing: Everyone -- and I mean everyone -- has stuff about their body that makes them contemplate plastic surgery or juice fasts or a face transplant. The trick to really knocking it out of the park is liking something. Not everything -- just something about your bod that you know makes other people jealous and that makes you feel good.

I propose that for real body love, you need to stop slavishly working to love all of your imperfections (I DO love my cankles I DO I DO I DO!) and focus on something that you do love. Because I feel like telling myself that I love my face scars or my big nose or my weird ribs is like hugging that aunt that I never see. It's not genuine and it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

I have a friend who makes me say something good about myself every time I say something negative. The other day I was joking about my T-rex arms -- seriously guys they are SO short -- and she was like "Fine! Say what you want but now say something good!" Not: "Don't say that about yourself!" but "If you're going to say something negative, say something positive too."

Sorry, there's no special class that you can take that will teach you to love every little thing about yourself. Instead, you have to work with what you've got. Why spend time hoping that one day I'll fall madly in love with my forehead wrinkle when I have really good hair to style? My imperfections don't even deserve that much time or thought. Honey badger don't care.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you never learn to love your elbows and you don't feel like displaying your stretch marks on the beach, it's OK anyway. You don't have to love everything about yourself. You're not perfect. You'll never be perfect. Can we all like, get over it and move on?

I'll probably never make nice with those stupid scars and I'll always put makeup over them. Does that make me a less confident person? Probably not. Because I have scars on my face but I also have a really good butt and long eyelashes and I can live with that trade-off, you guys. Whole body love can suck it -- it's about as real as unicorn poop.

As my home girl Amy Poehler says, "There’s only, like, five perfectly symmetrical people in the world, and they’re all movie stars, and they should be, because their faces are very pleasing to look at, but the rest of us are just a jangle of stuff, and the earlier you learn that you should focus on what you have and not obsess about what you don’t have, the happier you will be."

Attack of the Mom Bum!

I'd be lying if I said I didn't get the inspiration for this post while at the pool. So thank you, ill-fitting swimsuit wearers of the world!

I always say I'd like to write a book for what REALLY to expect after your pregnancies. Like, after all of the baby care business and all that, I'd like to write something that had two chapters dedicated to the following subjects:

1) Your bum will never look the same.

2) Trampolines will make you pee.

Instant bestseller right?

But seriously, what is it about pregnancy that is a total bum ruiner? It's like you lose all this baby weight and are rewarded with a pancake for a butt. It's depressing and droopy and it makes me sad. While I can't do anything about the state of your actual butt, I do know how to make it look perky and young in a really good pair of jeans.

On the bright side, a pancake bum is usually skinny and it means you've done an awesome job at losing the baby weight and you should be proud of that. So definitely look for clothes that show off your awesomeness and makes Sir Mix-a-Lot swoon. Speaking of which, did I ever tell you about the time I was grooving to Baby Got Back at full blast and my father in law came down to talk to me about something? I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying because I was trying to detract from hearing all about Sir Mix-a-Lot's anaconda. It was embarrassing.

ANYWAY, I'll give you some ideas on how to fight the evil attack of the mom bum!

Jane Norman bohemian style top, £30
Old navy, $40
Not Rated beach sandals, $50
Clutch bag, $25
Zara feather jewelry, $9.90

Trousers are the BEST when your bum lacks overall volume and shape. The fact that they're a bit higher waisted gives you the illusion of a rounder bum. Low rise jeans are not your friend and also, you're not 16. Trousers also hug your bum and then usually fall straight to the ground, so you see the best part and everything is camouflaged. YAY! Look for tab pockets that sit higher in the tush to detract from a lengthy bum. I bet you never thought you'd be worrying about your lengthy bum, but there it is. Also, adding definition at the waist and then wearing a shirt that offers a little coverage makes everything look super balanced. Plus, I love the 70s and wish I could dress like Farrah Fawcett every day. You can too!

Black top, $23
Shirt top, $15
Linen skirt, £18
Betsey Johnson crystal earrings, $35
Waist belt, £15
Canvas bow jute wedge, $30

When wearing skirts and dresses, a-line is your friends. While I totally have no problem with anyone wearing a great pencil skirt, you might be self-conscious about putting so much of the goods on display. If you want to try a pencil skirt, I recommend doing one with a cardigan for some coverage. Otherwise, a supercute flirty a-line floats away from the body, making your waist look teensy and your butt less of the main event and more of a supporting factor. Awesome if you're looking for more modesty.

Rue21, $30
Hollister co, $50
Old navy shoes, $3.50
Satchel bag, $45
Beading necklace, $15

The pockets on your jeans are going to make a huge difference in how your butt looks in pants. Always, always, always look at your butt when trying jeans on. Always look for pockets that are in proportion with the caboose. Tiny pockets are going to look ridiculous on this large, flat expanse of fabric. If you really want to get extra credit, look for flap pockets or rhinestones to round out the back a little more fully. These jeans are especially helpful because of the fading. They'll make everything look perkier, but BE CAREFUL. Too much fading can be trashy and gross. I want this outfit immediately.

Now this is where I should wax poetic about how my kids have changed my body and how they were worth everything but sometimes it's like THANKS A LOT, GO TO BED. While I'm big on self-love, I'm also big on recognizing flaws and knowing how to dress them so yo feel more confident. Mom bum doesn't have to be a life sentence. Some cute jeans and you'll have a moneymaker that makes you look like, one of those rap guys girlfriends.

Even white boys have to shout.

Baby Got Back

Today's topic is super near and dear to my heart because it's something I have struggled with since I was a teenager. Though I am relatively pretty small, I have this totally unproportionate booty. Not pregnant, I have like, a 27" waist. But my butt didn't get the skinny memo.

Exhibit A.

That's me, in the middle, wondering WHY my body is retarded.

I won't lie, there are times when I enjoy the junk. At a rap concert, for instance. But trying to find pants that fit is a crapshoot. I am forever whining "WHEN!!! Oh when will designers realize that this body type exists?? That not all girls with a generous backside are size 12s and ten feet tall? When??" My poor husband has heard this more than once.

So, I have come to the conclusion that there are some pants that will never fit me. They will always look weird. American Eagle, for instance. Love their stuff, but their jeans are a big no go. I have slowly hammered out a few designers that will fit, and some no fail tricks to know which jeans will fit us girlies the best.

Heeeere we go. For jeans, there are a few things you should look for. First, take a look at the pockets on the back. Those flap pockets look so cute, right!?

Wrong. Flap pockets will add unecessary bulk to your badonkadonk. Flap pockets are made for girls who are lacking in that department. You are far better off you get a nice, smooth pocket. Check the placement. Make sure it isn't too low or too high, or your butt will look droopy. Down with droopy butt!!

Now, another thing that will help, is a little bit of spandex. SPANDEX! AHHHH. No, I don't mean Jane Fonda circa 1988 spandex, I mean a little teensy amount. No more than 2%. Check the label. Spandex is going to let those jeans have a little give, which eans you can buy your normal size and they'll conform to your body. I love love love Hydraulics jeans. I have like 8 pairs and I wear them te whole time I'm pregnant because they have enough stretch and are lovely.

If by chance, you can't find those, then TAILOR, TAILOR, TAILOR. It takes two seconds to tailor jeans. If you're handy, do it yourself, if you're not, hire it done. I found these awesome Abercrombie jeans that I LOVED but there was no way I was fitting a 4. ANd I was swimming in a 6. So I bought the 6's and had them tailored back to a 4 waist. They fit like a glove, I kid you not. OR just go here, and choose your style and color, then send in your measurements and they will CUSTOM MAKE your jeans for the tiny price of $49. I guarantee you will love those jeans until the day you die. Look how cute!!

Another trick I learned is to combat the idea that big booty chicks should wear a higher rise. I love a low cut jean. Not like, stripper low, but low enough to not be scary and mom like. So there are a myriad of designers who offer jeans that are higher in the back than in the front. That way you have the look of a lower cut jean, without all the crack in the back, if you know what I'm saying'.

Lastly, remember that bootcut jeans are practically made for girls like us. The flare at the bottom goes a long way in balancing out the proportions. There are tons of awesome fits out there so try them on. I love the Christie Fit and the Marisa Fit from Victoria's Secret. They are going to make that butt look all lifted and awesome.


Also, don't be afraid to try some more urban designers. Companies like Southpole and Baby Phat who typically design for women of color KNOW how to fit a booty. And take a cue from their awesome confidence too.

Endowed: Dressing Your Knockers!

So I have had tons of comments regarding big boobs and how hard it is to find things to wear. I have never had this problem, as I stopped developing at about 12 years old. I remember I was in grade 8, and asked my mom for a bra for the sole reason that the boys liked to go around snapping the girl's bra straps (which by the way, now I am like wow, that was really pervy.) and I was afraid I'd be the only girl without a bra strap to snap. My mom bought me a padded one. However, now that I am pregnant I can pretend like I have big boobs. WOO!

Anyhow, I can understand your pain. Having a feature that throws off your whole wardrobe is rough. Later this week we'll look at some other problem areas as well. But today, boobs it is!

I think the biggest (HAH! pun VERY intended) problem with you Pamela Anderson-boobed girlies out there is that your chest is off in plus size territory, while the rest of you is not so anxious. So you end up wearing baggy stuff that conceals your super cute shape, just so you can have something FIT without looking like a stripper.

There are a few types of tops that are going to work for you.

First. DEFINE A WAIST. Blousy tops are not for you, oh big chested one. They will make you look big all over. Consider this one from Baby Phat. It uses a belt to define that waist, so you can say to the world "I PROMISE THERE IS A BODY UNDER HERE!"

Check out this top:

It's cute, but BAD for you. Its going to stick out about 3 feet off of your body and look awkward, just bringing more attention to the ta-tas, but not in an attractive way. More like "I wonder if she has to wear special back supporting undergarments" way.

Choose non-low cut scoop necks. They flatter everyone. And the empire waist? Great

if your tummy needs a little camouflage. I love something like this for just running errands or whatever. Its SO easy.

This pic is tiny, but if you're feeling exposed, add a little cami underneath. Not only will it make you a little more modest, but I'm not going to lie. I've totally used a tight tank top underneath a tight shirt to suck me in a little. Plus, puff sleeves? VERY good for big busts. It'll balance them out in proportion to your body. Go check out the nicer pic at Torrid (I HATE when I can't copy pics from a site. BOO)

A v-neck like this, though it seems counter intuitive, is a great way to keep the girls under wraps. Think about it. What happens when you wear a turtleneck? Your boobs look MASSIVE right? Because you have all that fabric covering them, you can see the full outline. So if you try a deeper v instead, its going to cut down on their size. This one is from Bluefly, and is adorable.

So then, take a deep v, (with a cami if you want) with an empire waist = pretty much pure perfection as far as you're concerned. (Nordstrom)

Now, wrap tops are going to be great if you can adjust the actual wrapping. Again, a deep v is great, and then wrap that top right at the smallest part of your waist, wherever that may be. For most big busted girls, it'll be the stop right under the bust. This one from Bluefly is great, because the tie is so wide.

Another really great one from Kristian Alfonso. Again, if your smallest point is a little higher, just yank that belt off and reposition.

Now for jackets. We did blazers last week, and someone asked why her jackets was all gappy and made her look even MORE busty. Ah, that would be the button placement, commonly known in the fashion world as the "stance". Basically, as a big busted girl, you cannot buy a jacket with a low stance. This is reserved for people like me, when I'm NOT wearing my padded bra. You need to choose a jacket with one or two buttons ( I would shy away fro 3 buttons though, it's just too much) and they should button right across the center of your bust. I am going to give you WAY too much info, and tell you that by center, I mean like, nipp-age. Got it? BEcause I'm not going to tell you again.

Check out the difference here:

These buttons are terrible for a big busted girl. This jacket is going gape and look totally weird because of the placement. Way too low.

This is just about perfect. Lock those girls down and leave the rest to imagination. If you are having trouble finding one that buttons up, buy a size up and have it tailored down. I know it sounds like a bother, but I do it with all of my pants (big butt, little waist, we'll address that later) and it takes a pair of ho-hum jeans to fitting like a GLOVE and being my favourite. Tailors do this all the time, and it'll be like $12. Totally worth it. Especially because this jacket is at Dr. Jays for 5.99, so yeah, its cute, you should buy it.

K, so hopefully you had a guide for next time you and your girls go shopping. Above all, flaunt it, and know that somewhere out there, I very jealous of you.