Freaky Friday: Makeup

So next week is going to be makeup week! YAY! I'm excited because it gives me an excuse to buy new makeup. And I thought I'd better preface it with some really bad makeup, so when I do tips and tutorials next week, you'll be like OMG Jae is a genius! It kinda goes with the whole smoke and mirrors thing. Shhhh don't tell.



I'd be scared except for that delightful daisy on his head.


Just in case you were looking to bring the age old clown fantasy to life. It's the nose that turns me on.



I really don't think I like her demeanor.


I don't know what's going on in this picture, but I can only assume it's one of the places that Stefan was talking about. Stefan makes me cry with laughter and a little uncomfortable at the same time.



Hey! Not only do you get to see a closeup of creepy blow up doll makeup, but it comes with a tutorial too! I want to see this at the next PTA meeting, k?


Don't look at me. I didn't paint you like the most depressed clown ever.


Silver eyeliner in the daytime? For shame, Gaga, FOR SHAME. (I've decided that if I don't acknowledge her constant search for shock then she'll start dressing like a human being. Fingers crossed!)


One time one of my best friends had a little too much to drink and then asked me to do her makeup. In the process, she started crying and her makeup ran down her eyes and I convinced her that it looked "Heroin Chic" and sent her back to the party. I haven't the slightest clue as to why the memory was triggered just now.

Alright, so next week when it's all about makeup you can be impressed by my skillz. If not, come back to this post and then read again and I promise you will.

In General...

I feel like when I look at this picture and all I can think of is "I wonder where Anderson Cooper got his sweater," that maybe Lady Gaga is losing her touch.

Yes, I am baiting her.

Tell me though, aside from the ridiculous lobster claw heels, does she not look downright demure?

(PS, this years creepiest sexy costumes on Friday. Commence dying of excitement..... NOW!)

Freaky Friday: What to Wear for Family Pictures with Lady Gaga

If you've never been to the blog before, you may be confused that I am writing a post on how to dress for family pictures with Lady Gaga. (You might want to check out the posts labeled "My rivalry with Lady Gaga". She and I have been at odds for a while now.) As most of my readers already know, I have a deep-rooted annoyance for her. While I find her songs catchy, I find her indulgent and confusing, and I generally think her dressing like a weird whackadoo is a bigger contributor to her success than her nonsensical albeit catchy music. I heard her say in an interview that the last thing teenage girls need is another pop singer writing naked in the sand, but somehow a pop singer danging with nipple tassels and a g-string in a jail is better? Like whatever, dress like a crazy person, but acknowledge that it's the only reason anyone is interested.

Oh, and if you are a Gaga lover, don't fear. I do like the music and you will fully here me singing along with "Telephone". But before you tell me she's an artist, look up the lyrics to all of her songs. So deep.

Also, don't come here and try to defend her fashion choices. Unless you are willing to go to a party with a bejeweled lobster on your head, I won't listen to you. It's not real life. And this is How Not to Dress Like a Mom; not, How Not to Dress Like a Functioning Person in Society. Wrong website.

My friend Sara gave me the idea to do a post about dressing Lady Gaga for her own family pictures, but since I can only assume she was hatched from a pod, I don't think she has family. Either that or they are now annoyed at her and don't want her to come to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as a sexy bikini turkey with gemstone wings and a beak made of real giblets. (Dressing as a pilgrim would have been too literal.)

But, if for some reason the Gaga shows up at YOUR house for family pictures, use this Freaky Friday post to know what to wear so she doesn't look out of place


Of course, you'll need a $800 fabric crown to show everyone the ridiculous things you spend your money on when there are people starving in Haiti. And who wouldn't want to wear a fabric crown as a hat? I think my husband will love it.


A parasol for no reason, indoors. I actually think that this parasol is the most adorable thing of life. To really Gaga it up, pour some blood on it and wear it as an accessory. ("I'd like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat." Anyone??)


Definitely wear some creepy open toed stud boots that for some reason, remind me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Extra points if they are knee high.


Don't you dare even think about wearing pants! FOR SHAME. Shiny vinyl bodysuits make your bajingo smile. Ask Gaga; we've had more than enough opportunities to see her happy lady parts. She must be doing something right!

Use these futuristic glasses when you don't think Kanye West's shutter glasses douch-ey enough.

And of course, don't forget to finish the whole ensemble with a hair bow. Because if there's anything living with a short haired boxer-rottweiler mix has taught me, it's that EVERYTHING looks better when covered in hair.

Carry a gold teacup the entire time. It ups the "artistic nature" of the picture. I think. I don't know.



As a demonstration, here is a picture of my family with Lady Gaga. I think she fits in really nice and we definitely look just the right balance of coordinated and stupid.

Guess what? Photoshopping with Gaga is fun. Let's do it again sometime.

What? I Can Be Nice...

Dear Lady Gaga:

I think you look uncharacteristically pretty in this ad for MAC Cosmetics.

Do you know what would be even prettier?

PANTS.

That goes doubly for you, Cyndi Lauper. This is not 1983 and you are too old for onesies.

Kisses,

Jae

**EDIT!

My brother who is a motivational speaker just released this video with quite possibly the BEST Lady Gaga impersonation I've ever seen. Clearly, our love for her runs in the family. Ch-check it out here.

Freaky Friday

Yay Friday! It's my daughter's birthday weekend, so I have to get moving. Did I ever tell you never to have two children in the same birth month? What a terrible, terrible idea. I so want this over.

THEN! I'm going to see my best friend in Canada on Thursday (so you're going to have to do without a Freaky Friday posting) because I will be here. No biggies, it's just my shopping MECCA and I haven't been in like ten years. And it's not like I've been socking money away in my secret shopping account that my husband doesn't know about so I can blow it all on a marathon shopping spree or anything.

Anyhow, onto the post!



I feel like Lady Gaga is going to read my blog and be like "YES! Yes! I have been looking everywhere for an amoeba dress! Thank you, Jae. You've inadvertently helped your greatest enemy." And then she'll snap her fingers, and her tiny purple little people assistants (which I can only assume she has) will run off to their secret golden sewing room and make one while listening to "Bad Romance" on replay, after which she'll pay them in spankings.

Gaga ooh la la, indeed.

There are so many things wrong with this vest. It a SHAWL COLLAR, GREEN CHENILLE, KANGAROO POCKET vest, people. Why even buy this? Just go ahead and sign up for the PTA craft swap now.


Ugh, AGAIN with the harem pants. Am I the only one who thinks they just make you look like you have droopy saddlebags?


But, just in case harem pants aren't enough, invest in a whole harem outfit. You know what? I can respect this as a complete and utter commitment to dressing badly.

PS, where would you even wear this??

Don't you hate it when you're rushing out the door, kids, keys and phone in hand, you get to our kid's school and step out to drop him off, only to realize you've totally forgotten to put on PANTS? So embarrassing, right? Don't worry. It happens to the best of us.


Could this smack anymore of Paula Deen and meatloaf? Sweet mother. Also, I heard Paula Deen was going to be a guest judge on American Idol. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR SOCIETY?


K, are the horseshoes even necessary? I fell like they are just a smidgen too literal.


My awesome cousin in Canada sent me this gem. Get ready for this.

It's a bra.

With prepasted nipples.

So you can look cold all of the time, yet still have the support of a good bra.

Like Demi Moore, on the cover of G.I. Jane.

It was $2000. Or $2,200, for my Canadian friends.

JGFSJHG@#MFKJHGLKJ.

Sorry, that was me hitting my head against the computer.

Okay, well now she's just messing with me...

Because WHY ELSE would she sing at the Grammys looking like a deranged Tinkerbell on smack? It's like she's pointing at me and saying "FU Jae. This outfit and my psychotic shenanigans are the only way I keep myself and my music relevant so you can shove it."

All I can say is that on the bright side, at least we know she waxes.

Freaky Friday: Bad Boots

There are so many cute boots out there, and then there are bad, bad boots, which should return to the deepest depths of the fiery lake of Satan and never return.

Am I being dramatic? You be the judge.



"WHAT HAVE YOU DON TO POCAHANTAS!?" The worst part? Someone gave these a five star review. Really? What were your criteria? Fringiness and stereotype?



Why these are still on the market, I'll never know. They look like the blow up shoes that I made my dog wear when I dressed her up as Jack Sparrow for Halloween. DON'T JUDGE ME! I just like dogs in clothes!


The shoe boot? This pair is having an identity crisis.


These boots make me feel all sorts of dirty and wrong. Like, I know they're just legs, but doesn't it make you feel like a dirty peeping Tom?



K, so explain this one to me. WHY wear boots if the toe is open? Doesn't that negate the entire purpose of wearing boots. Not to mention, are you the Jolly Green Giant's wife? What's with the color??



Hahaha. Gameboy shoes! Hey, I love my Nintendo DS as much as the next closet nerd, but I don't understand how you can play it if it's on your foot. Also, it makes you look like you're going to do a quickdraw Super Mario Brothers shootout.


So shiny... and confusing... The worst is these are from of one of my favorite stores, which saddens me. Why do they want customers to dress like a disco ball? And KNEE HIGH? K, I can't even look at them. There are so many things wrong.



OH! What have we here??? The "Lady" who is "Gaga" for CRAPTASTIC FASHION? I'm not going to name names, but omg why does she torment me so?

PS: PUT SOME PANTS ON. I AM TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOUR SCARY 80s FITNESS VIDEO CROTCH.

Dear Lady Gaga;

K, I have to interrupt our usual commentary on what to wear for a brief, open letter to Lady Gaga, who continues to ruin my life by purposely looking unattractive.

Dear Lady Gaga; (who's real name is Stefani, so lets just get that out of the way)


I have long and silently endured your assault on the fashion industry. When you were sporting the infamous bow made out of HAIR I didn't say anything. When you strolled in around in a flesh colored bodysuit, I kept my mouth shut. BUY OH MY GOSH you are driving me crazy. While I actually do enjoy your music, I find you to be pretentious and kind of douche-baggy, what with your talk about your "art" and how you plan to change the way we hear and experience music.

Lets get something straight; you are a POP artist. You are not the Beatles. You are not Coldplay. Right now, you're not even the Spice Girls yet. You are a random pop artist who's had three hits and suddenly has a ginormous head, which you choose to clothe in HAIR BOWS.


But that's beside the point. My real beef with you is this: Are you allergic to looking attractive, or what? I don't even care if you want to be avante garde with your fashion choices, you just continually make yourself ugly for reasons I don't quite understand. Observe:



Remember when you were a normal girl? And you had pretty hair? And didn't dress like an idiot?


Then you got famous and decided that you were way too remarkable to dress like a mere mortal. So you started dressing like Queen Amidala.


Really? Blunt bangs AND oversized sunglasses AND a shirtless hood AND giant sleeves? Really? I'd say that you are wearing everything but the kitchen sink, but unfortunately you forgot PANTS.


Which is a recurring theme.


K, so enlighten me: When did pants become the enemy?



And then there was the American Idol debacle where you wore a zipper. Over your eye. Like a pirate. So I get it. You're too cool for pants, but not too cool to perform on the MOST COMMERCIAL show on television. I get it. Cool. Fight the power, Lady.


I was willing to overlook all of your smugness and all of your terrible, terrible fashion choices because whatever, I like Poker Face. But then Rolling Stone came out and I couldn't take it anymore.


OH MY GOSH YOU ARE DRESSED IN A NUDE BODYSUIT WITH BUBBLES GLUED TO IT.

And you PERFORMED in this outfit later, causing me to believe you condone this or thought it was acceptable in some way. It's not. You look ugly. And since you're not an ugly girl, I can't imagine why you would do such a thing. In this picture you looked like a cracked out Courtney Love, who is cracked out all the time so lets just say Courtney Love; the cracked out goes without saying. THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. No one wants to look like the failed rocker wife of a rock legend who committed suicide.


I'm just saying. You're a pretty girl. I like your music. How about you stop concentrating so hard on your "image" and stop running your mouth about how you're bisexual and an artist unlike no other and just shut up and sing?


And for pete's sake, buy a freakin' pair of jeans.


Love, Jae