Boob Week: Adventures in Bra Shopping

Fun fact: I had more hits on small boob day than on big boob day. Does that mean that most of my readers have small boobs? Questions of the universe...

Anyway, this post isn't about bra advice, because I've already done that here. It's more about the surviving of the actual bra shopping. I am pretty picky with bras because hello, you wear them every day. I'm also picky because I HATE bra shopping. I feel so inept and dumb and frumpy when compared to the sleek girls who always work a lingerie shops and always know way more than me. I've gotten more comfortable over the years, but I still totally procrastinate getting a new bra. Here are some things that make it less vomit-inducing for yours truly.

• Wear a bra. Just do it. When you don't, you make Tina Fey uncomfortable.
• Dress appropriately, especially if you'll be getting measured. You'll be measured over your bra and if you're wearing a huge padded bra, your measurements are going to be skewed. I suggest wearing a thin T-shirt bra. If you're nervous about disrobing in front of a complete stranger, you have two options. 1) Wear a thin T-shirt over your bra and ask the lady to measure over top or 2) Measure yourself at home. Here's how. 
• Measure often. I would say every 6 to 12 months. Your boob size totally fluctuates with weight, skin sag (that's gross to say), pregnancy and age. You are not the same size you were in high school so stop buying your bras that way. 
• Go alone. Bra shopping is not when you want to be wrangling kids in the fitting room or locating your son as he feels up a mannequin (I have a brother who did this as a kid). You'll need some time, so pawn the kids off on your husband. 
• If you have less boobage, you don't have to be as choosy as to where you buy your bra. Most lingerie and department stores will have your size. If you have larger boobs, I would say to head to a department store where there are more than just one brand of bra. That way, you can try on a variety and choose one that fits you rather than being stuck with just one brand and fit. 
• Do the test. When you're trying on a bra, lean forward and see how it looks. If your boobs are totally spilling over like a 1890s barmaid, you may need to go up a side. If your boobs aren't filling the cup at all, you may need to go down a size.You want a nice cleavage bump and that's it.
• Put a shirt on over top of the bra when trying on. You should check to see if any of the bra parts - ie, lace - are visible through the shirt. 
• Buy different bras for different purposes. I have everyday molded bras, going out pushup bras, convertible bras and T-shirt bras. One bra might not cut it for all of the different clothes you wear. 
• Don't over-buy your bra. If you have small boobs, you don't need all the bells and whistles of someone who needs more support. In fact, I am constantly taking underwires out of bras and swimsuits because I don't need 'em. If a salesgirl tries to sell you on breathable mesh and spaceage design, give her the stinkeye and ask for something more basic. 
• Be prepared to shell out. Bras are expensive and it's a bummer, but you're going to be wearing it A LOT. Budget for it. Especially if your bras are typically hard to fit.
• Check your back. A good bra band should be tight enough that it supports you and wide enough so that you don't get back fat. If your back looks kind of sausage-y, you need yo go up in band size. It should feel smooth and supportive. 
• Move around. I've found many a slippy shoulder strap by rolling my shoulders and moving around in a bra to see if I can detect any problems before I buy.
• Stop worrying about your boobs in general. I get it. The bra fitting room is weird. You're forced to look at yourself in harsh lighting and you're intimidated by the lady who keeps flinging other bras over the top of the door at you. But big boobs, small boobs, lopsided boobs, ski-slope boobs -- the point of a good bra is to make them look their best.
• Know that this is not normal. Not only do normal people not look like this when trying on bras, but I have never once just casually hung out with my friends in our bras and undies while taking seductive pictures. Don't compare yourself to the images in the store and feel frustrated when a bra doesn't magically give you huge boobs, better abs and equally hot friends.

 When I was like, 13, I was sitting in my room listening to music when my mom flung a padded bra at me and closed the door and I realized that she was trying to tell me something THANKS MOM. Hopefully your first bra experience was better than mine. And hopefully your next bra experience is less traumatizing. I just bought some, so I'm pretty much golden until like, 2015.

Best Supporting Role: Your Bra

So I just spent the weekend shopping like a banshee (do banshees really shop? Let's try that again)...er, shopping like a Hilton, with my best friend. She was great, and totally talked me out of stupid purchases like a $30 t-shirt and into good purchases, like a $10 cardigan.

While we were out and about (or oot and aboot, seeing as we were on Canadian soil) she was mentioning that she needed to buy new bras since she just had her sweet, adorable and cute son a mere four months ago (she's totally going to read this and be like WTH Jae! Stop talking about my rack on the interwebs! Whatever, she knew what she was getting into when she became friends with me) and her need for new bras inspired an entire post dedicated to the unsung heroes, otherwise known as your bras.

I don't know about you, but my bras are perpetually HAMMERED. I find one I like, wear it religiously for like, six months until it is gray and hanging by threads and generally disgusting. So when I buy a bra, I BUY A BRA. I research it and try on a bajillion until I find THE ONE that I can abuse for awhile.

I suggest you do the same. A bra is the one piece of clothing that you will wear every day, so you'd better make sure that it fits right, doesn't pinch or poke, and above all, LOOKS GOOD.

Depending on your size and shape, you'll need a different type of bra. Before you run off to your friendly neighborhood Victoria's Secret, make sure that you get yourself measured, ideally before you start trying bras on. Weight gain, having a baby, and plain old gravity will have a bearing on the size of your bazookas, so EVERY time you go bra shopping after a span of six months to a year, get resized. Please. And when trying on bras, remember to always place the hooks on the middle eyes so you get the best fit, and move around in the bra to test if it's pinchy or pokey before you make the decision. And, try on bras that work for your body type.



The Handful

If you're like me and were blessed with a less than VS model amount of boobage, a molded cup is the way to go. It'll give you a better shape and much better proportions. Just because you *could* go without a bra, doesn't mean you should. Also, choosing one with girly deets like this frill here can give you a little more dimension up top and fool the eye into thinking there is more there. Plus, it's really pretty.


The Wanderer

After having babies and nursing, you're likely to notice that your girls aren't quite as high as they used to be. Ideally, they should fall at the midpoint between your underarm and elbow, so when you try on bras make sure that they bring them back up. A push up is for you, my friend, as long as it has a thick and supportive band to hold you in. Make sure that the band isn't creating scary back rolls... if it is, go up a band size and keep the cup the same.

The More Than Enougher

To the lucky ladies who have generous proportions when it comes to boobage, choose a full coverage bra. Don't worry if the cups look big... you'll STILL have cleavage and your body will get a better shape. Pick a pretty one for extra good feelings. For special occasions, step away from the push up! You'll look like your boobs are staging death by suffocation. Try a demi cup instead, which is like a half-cup that can give you a really pretty neckline without scaring the children.

The Night on the Town

You should definitely have a convertible bra. There is nothing I hate more than exposed bra straps with the wrong outfit. It looks trashy any way you look at it. Don't be lazy and grab a bra that can be used with regular straps, strapless, racerback, halter, whatever. It's a good investment to have in your lingerie collection simply so I won't make judgments about you.



The Non-Ugly Gym Goer

Remember how we talked about ugly gym clothes and how they make me cry? Same goes for ugly sports bras. YOU MUST buys a sports bra to workout. Regular bras will not cut it through all of the moving and whatnot. And look how pretty this one is!!

K, so I purposely didn't include the brands and sites to get these ones because unless it's the same bra that you already own in the same size you have, you should not be ordering bras online. GO TO THE STORE. Try them on. I know it's slightly uncomfortable, but most lingerie stores have lovely lighting. You'll be fine, I promise.

Shape Up or Ship Out

Deep breath.

Today, I am going to talk to you about something that usually moms don't want to talk about. They'd like to seem effortlessly skinny after having babies, like everyone in Hollywood. "I don't even work out!" they say. The weight just falls off, right?

Um, that would be WRONG. Thanks again, Angelina Jolie for perpetuating that awesome lie that makes regular people all over the world feel dumpy after having a baby. I do, however, nurture a serious girl crish on Jennifer Garner, for the sole reason that when asked how she got rid of the baby weight said "I had to get my biscuit on the treadmill like EVERYONE ELSE." Love you, JenGar. Let's hang out.

Anyway, want to know the real reason your fave celebs look so good after popping out quintuplets or whatever they're doing nowadays? SHAPEWEAR. Yeah. You heard me right. They are all wearing Spanx. No matter how hard they try to act like they were just born into the bodies of goddesses, they have shapewear on under those Oscar gowns. Do you know how I know that?

No belly button. Even the skinniest person will show a belly button indentation when wearing tight clothes. Celebs never have that. Because they are wearing their tighties underneath.

Luckily, shapewear is available for mere mortals to purchase, and it can give you a much need silhouette boost in certain outfits.

I'll admit it. I am pretty small framed and generally like my body. But I own one brown jersey dress that I will absolutely not wear without a shapewear cami underneath. IT CLINGS. I feel naked and lumpy and ribby without it. I think most women feel ashamed when they have to wear shapewear or feel like it's cheating. The truth is, some clothes just won't look good without it. And honestly, it is awesome in the first three months after having a baby.

Usually you think of shapewear and think of scary girdle type dealies that are admittedly terrifying, and they are UNCOMFORTABLE. They slip down and make you look sausagey and make you look exactly how you DON'T want to.

Luckily, new school shapewear is AH-MAZ-ING. Half of it doesn't even look like anything, and the other half is comfier and waaay more discreet.

Let's get it out there. I don't like one piece bicycle short shapewear that goes from like, your knees to your shoulders. It is a pet peeve of mine to see a lady moving around and catch glimpses of the scary nude fabric that is indicative of shapewear. Plus, your poor husbands will never get you out of it. Anyone remember that scene from Bridget Jones' Diary? Scarred me for life.

Choose your shapewear according to application and trouble spot. For instance, me. When I want to wear my very clingy jersey dress that I love, I know that I'm going to have a problem area in my tummy. Cami solves it and voila, perfect, belly button-less outfit.

Take a look at these sweet options when it comes to your dirty-little-secret shapewear.


The tube (Blissworld). This is awesome if you just want to slim your tummy under more casual wear. Good for everyday use, they'll have sticky undersides so you don't have to worry about slippage.


I love this for under a dress (Asos). Besides the fact that it slims all over, it doesn't look scary or frumpy. It'll smooth out the VPL or VBL so that you look pretty darn flawless. Anyone would just assume it's an adorable little slip. This is ideal for little wrap dresses.



Hello, lover! A slimming cami (by Spanx) is faaantastic for going under just about anything, and if you don't love layers it just looks like a regular cami and you look ridiculously tiny. I wear one under my clingy dress and it just looks like a regular layering cami. You can even make vapid remarks about how the weight just fell off and that you're lucky you have good genes.


Do double duty with pretty patterned tights (Spanx) that make your butt and legs look crazy out of this world. I was wearing something like this soon after I had my daughter, and my best friend of 20 years was like "OMG your butt looks good." In case you were wondering , yes, we do often make mildly uncomfortable remarks to each other about our general good-lookingness. Some things will never change. But the point is, tightie tights were the reason. And they are totally ADORABLE too, right?


If you're looking for the Jessica Rabbit body in your pencil skirt, pick a slimming slip like this one, also from Spanx (omg their line is incredible. Really, you must check out all the cool stuff they have.) Anyway, these will smooth out bumps and give you a crazy awesome hourglass figure that is completely enviable.

Alright, so now I've outed myself. I don't have a perfect body. Why? Because I had one kid, and then barely got my old body back before getting pregnant with twins and spending six weeks on bed rest. I don't think it will ever return to it's former glory. (Oh 17 year old me, WHY, WHY did you not appreciate your hotness more?) Instead, I have to respect it for doing it's thing, and work with what I've got. Dress the body you have NOW. It's totally fine to give it a nudge in the right direction. I promise, for once, I will not judge.