Freaky Friday: Don't You Hate Pants?

You guys, I am in a foul mood today. I spent the morning on the phone with both my car insurance and health insurance peeps. The only thing worst than rehashing that stupid accident is then rehashing my last pregnancy before we change to a new insurance company. THEN my son wailed -- WAILED -- through the recorded statement I was giving to the other guy's insurance company. That should go over well in transcription, right? Don't worry, I've already planned a nap for this afternoon. No one better mess with that sacred, sacred nap.

Until then, though, I bring you some of the ugliest pants ever made. And yes, the title of this post is definitely in reference to this. Feel free to use that line as foreplay tonight. Rawr.

 My friend Kara (you can find her cute blog here) sent me these which give me a deep and abiding need to watch The Lion King with my childhood best friends as we talk about whether or not it's OK to have a crush on grownup Simba. PS It's not. That's cartoon bestiality and it's gross. I was more of a Tuxedo Mask kinda gal myself. Anyone? Anyone?

 I'm so glad the Golden Girls are able to live on through ugly pants.

 Because you have a desperate need for your legs to look like your mom's wedding china. 

Also, what's with the heels?

 Forget about thigh gap -- this season, it's all about crotch-drab. 

I also thought up "crotch mulch" but I can't decide which I like better. 

Life is hard. 

Vote?

 Because you're an American tourist and don't care who knows it!! 

 Pop that hip back in, Miss Sashay. Those are the pants I wear when I'm sick and haven't showered in three days so I wouldn't be so smug. 

 This might be the saddest case of mom bum ever on this blog. And that's saying A LOT. Homegirl's butt is like three feet long here. 

Nothin' wrong with a little junk in your front bum area. Also good for hiding:
-Drugs
-Small kangaroos
-The fact that your sex change operation isn't all the way done yet

Alright, I am determined to shake this bad mood. I bought some new clothes yesterday (I swear it was the last time... this week) and wearing something new and not involving ugly pants is sure to bring me out of the funk. Also, I'm driving my husband's Jeep Wrangler while my car is in the body shop and driving a Jeep makes everyone happy. It's a fact. Look for the suburban soccer mom listening to rap music and pretending to relive her glory days with two kids in the backseat.