Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest 2013!

It;s still dark here, but I've been up for a while combing through submissions and bringing you the best ridiculously trashy Halloween costumes for this year.

For those of you new to the blog, each year, readers send in trashy costumes they find while perusing the web. I post them, we make fun of sad people who need to trick or treat with their ta-tas and we're all happy!  Except for the people who later on comment anonymously that I am a horrible person. But then we laugh at them and are happy again.

Then, we vote and the winner gets a Target gift card for being such an eagle-eyed and distinguished person. Shall we go ahead and get started? We shall!



Let's start with Rachelle's sexy skunk. Because nothing gets the old motor running like looking like you stink when you feel threatened. Can someone explain to me what is sexy about "Look out boys -- I might spray"?













Alison sent in sexy Marge here. Marge is sexy like, three times on The Simpsons and never was it in her green dress and heels. Also, the face doesn't work. She should be more cautions and annoyed than "come hither."

Also stop ruining cartoons.














"That's SEXY Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead TO YOU."

For future reference: Male character + skirt = Halloween character. Try it with other male characters, like Indiana Jones, Luke Skywalker and Peter Griffin from Family Guy. SO SEXY.

(Thanks, Sara!)














 Case in point: Sexy Ron Burgundy from Anchorman. Also, enjoy answering "Are you like, a hot Hermione?" from drunk guys all night long.

(From V.)





















Like, I don't want to sway your votes, but this one is my favorite -- from Heather.

It's a sexy honey badger.

As referenced by the poorly made hat, the obvious dress (do honey badgers wear dresses?) and the snake in the teeth.

Also, heels.... because sexy, duh!


















Heather also visits us from the land of subtlety, where she found this USB costume!

So the stick... goes into the port.... you guys are going to have to slow down, I missed 6th grade health.




















Jenna sent me a better picture of this costume, but I try to find manufacturer pictures instead to protect the poor people who think these are good ideas. So it was this, only without any body stockings. So yeah, now we're just going to parties naked.

"So what are you supposed to be?"

"You know, like a censor bar person?"

"So... you're sexy... sex?"



















"Excuse me, I was wondering if you knew where they were holding the party for destroying all innocence?"

(Thanks Lindsay!)



















So, at this point, do all sexy costume wearers just think ears have magical powers in making you look completely different?

Because this is the saddest Sexy Rainbow Dash costume ever. It's just a bikini top. And a skirt. And ears.

I... I just can't anymore.

Thanks for ruining my day, Jessica!

Sleeping Beauty makes me cry. Also, why is Tinkerbell the one with the most clothes on?

(Thanks, Meleah!)






And last but certainly not least is what will likely be the most overdone costume of all time. This website called it "Twerkin' Teddy." I call it "Too Early for me to Feel This Nauseous."

(Thanks Lindsay!)
















Alright, haters! Cast your votes amid the choruses of "You're just jealous!" Voting will end Nov. 1st at 12am and I'll announce who was the best trash-scouter of 2013 on Friday.

Happy Halloween!

Getting Ready for Party Season!

So, now that Canadian Thanksgiving is over and Halloween is coming, I'm totally getting ready to kick off the holiday season around here. Now, don't get me wrong – I won't be putting up Christmas stuff until after American Thanksgiving, but to me, American Thanksgiving is part of all of the festivities. And all of this culminates in one thing:

Parties.

I love 'em – a chance to get dressed up, hang with friends and family and eat really good food. And honestly, the time when I get most excited about women's fashion isn't during Fashion Week, it's when everything gets all special and sparkly and fun – like some of these fun finds from Axara Canada – during the last two months of the year. 

That being said, are you ready for party season yet? If not, I think there are a few things you need to put on your fall shopping list. Bonus? Everything is going on sale anyway, so now is a good time to snap up some party clothes. Here are my party season must-haves:

      1. A pair of pumps that you can stand in for more than five minutes. You can't go wrong with a basic black, but look for something special – a textured heel, studs, whatever. These from Axara are perfect because the heel isn't too high, but there's some extra interest.

         2. A pair of dark jeans for more casual parties. Because not every party necessitates a cocktail dress. Sometimes, you can get away with some dark skinnies, killer heels and a special top.

         3. A couple of special tops. Look for luxe details. I'm really into chiffon, leather and lace right now, but beading and anything else goes. I like to make sure my tops will go with both dark jeans and a pencil skirt so I get max use.

       4. A couple of fancy dresses. Here's the thing. I don't mind spending more on quality cocktail dresses. I wear them during the holidays, but I also pull them out for weddings, benefits and dress them down with blazers for a more casual look. I get a ton of wear out of them. A little black dress is always appropriate, especially if it has something that sets it apart. I just ordered this one and plan to wear it all season long.

        5. A serious jewelry piece. Statement jewelry doesn't ALWAYS have to be a big, colorful necklace. I like really ornate earrings or huge cocktail rings. If you're going to do statement necklaces, keep in mind that the holidays are more about glitz and sparkle, instead of plastic and color. And please no novelty jewelry. Like, we know that now, right?

       6. A clutch! Oversized purses have no place at a festive soiree. I think it's good to at least have one basic black clutch on hand... and maybe one that's a little sparkly too. Clutches are pretty much my favorite thing ever, right after cookie butter and those commercials Ron Burgundy does for Dodge Durango.

So, how do we feel about this shopping list? Doable? In the end, I feel like the fun part about the holidays and women's clothing in general is  that it's a time when you can dress up more than usual. My family (both immediate and extended) are pretty casual people, so it's fun to get out of the rut. Whether it's a more tailored look for Thanksgiving with the fam or going all-out for a work party, the next couple of months mean shucking off the tees and jeans – just until January 2^nd.

This post was sponsored by Axara Canada. 

What I Wore: Casual Monday

Housekeeping notes, guys!

Today is the last day I'll accept entries for the Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest. The actual voting will begin on Wednesday and the winner will be announced Friday. So if you've seen any terrible costumes in your web searches lately, send 'em on over. We have some doozies this year already.

Although I will say I've been pleasantly surprised by the lack of trashy costumes I've seen this year. There have been a lot more clever costumes than trashy. And, if you're keeping track, "clever" is nearly always better than "trashy."

I'm not sure if I'm dressing up this year. It seems like I've been in Halloween mode since last week and with all of the parties and festivals and events I'm kinda 'weened out. Plus there was Hipstergate last year and heaven forbid someone think I'm culturally insensitive toward hipsters again.


(PS I am, in fact, highly culturally insensitive to hipsters.)


Case in point: These glasses are definitely prescription.

Graphic tee: Victoria's Secret (similar) (I'm def. buying this) (cute)

Jacket: Guess (similar) (way cheaper) (in brown)
Jeans: Liverpool Abby Skinny (here)

Boots: Payless (similar) (these are boss too)

Scarf: I have no idea (but here's something similar)

This is what you'll find me in most weekdays. Sans jewelry and in some sort of combination between jeans, boots and a leather jacket because I have this rare illness where I can't stop buying them no matter what. This is my favorite jacket by far -- super soft, cool collar detail and pockets for freezing cold mornings which are very quickly approaching. 

And while I wear contacts (contact actually because I just wear one) most every day, sometimes I can't be bothered and my glasses find their way on my face. Mostly because I can't drive without them. Seriously, my eyesight is laughably bad. I went through a long period where I refused to wear glasses. I had bad memories of the bright purple plastic specs I had in elementary school. I used to hide them around the house and my dad would find them and bring them to me at school EVERY TIME. 

I'm not anti-glasses anymore. Now they're a nice change when I don't want to poke at my eye first thing in the morning. 

Yes, I'm wearing them right now.

OK, last call: Send your trashy finds in and we'll have some fun this week.

Freaky Friday

 So am I only one who has kids home from school today? It's a teacher prep day and I think I completely forgot what it's like to try and get things done with kids around the house. So far I've broken up two pony-related fights, fielded questions from my son about which of his 3,000 toys he should give to charity, reminded my daughter that her Halloween party isn't until 6pm tonight so no, she shouldn't get dressed right now, given my kids a stack of craft foam and some blunt scissors to play with and yelled about them leaving me alone for TWO SECONDS like, six times. Also, there are contractors here working on stone exterior, so things are pretty peaceful in general.

Also, I have yet to feed my children breakfast.

But, I have a house that needs a major cleaning and work that needs to be, you know, done. So onward and upward, my friends. Also, let's thank Deb, Catherine, Brenda, JH and Rebecca for sending in all of this awesome Freaky Friday fodder. Ooh alliteration.

 Don't you just love fall, when you can light a fire, make some hot chocolate and then curl up with your man friend and his yarn wig? So cozy!

Also, you know what they say about a guy with big mittens...

...he probably has a well-meaning grandma with eyesight issues. Get your mind out of the gutter.

 JH sent this, saying "Great dress -- if you want to wear a cat smack dab in the middle of your chest."

And WHAT IF I DO, JH? What if I do?

I feel like there's an inspirational message that should go with this picture.
Face your fears!
When life bites, bite back!
A woman's uterus is like an angry shark and if you bug her when she's crampy and on her period, she'll tear you to shreds.

Perfect.

 The dress in the foreground is lovely. The dress in the background... so are we just going to stop even trying to cover the biz while wearing dresses? Does this just make it easier for lady celebs who are going to flash us getting out of cars anyway?

 Because you love bacon and sushi so much you feel the need to wear it on your person at all times.

 Trust me, a person who is this big a fan of fries does not have legs that look like this.

I know because I am that big fan of fries.

My legs do not look like this.

 Oh awesome, a shoe rendition of what I looked like as an award teen in 1999.

At first I was like "Oh no she di-int!" and then I was like "Well of course she did what did you expect?"

PS yes this is Lady Gaga and yes, this is a high fashion chicken suit.


Ughhhh fiiiiine I'll go clean my house now. The glamor! No I can't handle it all!!

Beauty Product Roundup

This should be my usual "drugstore beauty" post, but I didn't buy all of this round's products from the drugstore and I am nothing if not completely honest about my terrible spending habits. I've been picking up stuff here and there -- a couple of these came from my ipsy bag others came from shopping idly at the drugstore near my parent's house in Canada. Oh, drugstore of my youth.

Anyway, here's the latest and greatest! As always, click the pic to follow through to the product.

First up, Too-Faced Tan without the Twinkle Bronzer.

Too Faced Tan Without The Twinkle

OK, so remember when we talked about how to contour your face with makeup and I was like, "Find a gray-based bronzer without shimmer" and everyone was like "But bronzer is BRONZE." Well, this is what I meant. I LOVE this bronzer because it's perfect for contouring. It's grayer and matte, which means it looks more like shadows on your face, which equals more natural contouring. I still have some shimmery bronze laying around, but this is my go-do for the daily.

Also it smells like vanilla and this delights me. 



Victoria's Secret Rockin' Body Luminous Perfecting Body Cream


Let me first point out that I bought this in-store the other day and it didn't have that RIDICULOUS packaging. I was standing in line waiting to buy the softest hoodie of ALL TIME (yes I buy hoodies from VS don't judge me) and grabbed a tube of this stuff on a whim. It's like a shimmy gloss that makes your legs look super pretty in skirts. You can use it wherever you want your skin to look better, like your collarbone or your arms when wearing cap sleeves or whatever. Not a must have, but definitely fun to have in your arsenal.

 





NYC Applelicious Glossy Lip Balm


Confession time: I actually bought this for my daughter when we were in Canada. I was stocking up on my favorite Canadian beauty products and she wanted something and this was cheap and sheer so she wouldn't look like a crazy clown. Then I tried it and stole it from her. It smells good and it's super sheer and non-sticky, so I like it for layering over lipsticks for quick touchups. Plus there's an apple in it sooo.... yeah.


Big Sexy Hair Blow Dry Volumizing Gel

Sexy Hair Big Sexy Hair Blow Dry Volumizing Gel

I worship at the altar of Big Sexy Hair products because my goal in life is to have big hair. So I can keep it full of secrets (anyone?) This stuff is great because you know when you use gel before blowdrying and sometimes there's like, a crunchy patch left afterward? Yeah, doesn't happen with this. And while it hasn't quite gotten me to Dolly Parton status, I'm happy with it.









Skyn Iceland Hydro Cool Firming Eye Gels

skyn ICELAND - Hydro Cool Firming Eye Gels (N/A) - Beauty

I posted a pic on Instagram of me trying these out at like 11:30 at night. It was preeeeeetty attractive. They're these little patches that you wear under your eyes for like 15 minutes. They're super cold and while I'm usually a huge eye-roller when it comes to stuff like this, I did feel like my eyes are waaaay less puffy when I use these. My friend asked if it helped with dark circles and I just know I didn't wake up looking like a zombie as per usual. Also, these + Downton Abbey + my bathtub make for a good night.








Buxom Full Bodied Lip Gloss

Buxom® Full-Bodied' Lip Gloss

I bought one of these... and then bought another... and then another came in my ipsy bag... so yeah, I'm a fan. I find that the color is truer with these glosses than others --- not as diluted or sheer. Plus it's a little minty and makes your lips tingle which supposedly makes them bigger. Whatever, I'll take it. Buxom is by Bare Escentuals, so if you're a fan already, I recommend these babies all day. Not sticky at all and lasts forever so I feel like they're definitely worth the price.







Pixi Large Lash Mascara

Pixi Large Lash Mascara

You know I couldn't do this list without a mascara. I love them so hard. And natural girls, this is definitely for you -- this is the softest mascara I've ever tried. While I usually love a super-dramatic look, I use this stuff when I want a more natural look. It doesn't go on as gloppy and my eyelashes are still supersoft after it's dried. Love!










So there's the best of the best as of late.Have any beauty finds you want to share with me so I can drive my husband insane with my takeover of the bathroom counter?

What I Wore: The Uniform

Yesterday was one of those days that I totally sabotaged myself. Instead of getting ready, like I should have been, I instead watched two episodes of "Four Weddings" while eating mint brownies out of the package. When it was time to go, I had about 30 minutes to get ready from start to finish.

Now, I've heard the idea of having a "uniform" -- a go to combination of clothes that always helps you feel put-together. While I don't think you should dress the same every day, I think it's a good idea to have a few go-to outfits that you can throw on with minimal fuss. Here are my "uniforms."

A pencil skirt with a button up and pointy pumps for semiformal.
Skinny jeans with boots and a tee for everyday.
Straight jeans with a v-neck tee and a blazer for going out.

By knowing what looks good, I can mix and match items on the fly and waste time watching wedding shows for reasons I don't understand instead of standing in front of my closet. Awesome.

Here was my uniform in action yesterday.

Button-up: JCPenney (here) (love!) (with a collar)

Skirt: F21 (ooh designer!) (cheaper) (similar)
Shoes: Mossimo (flat) (omg yes) (on sale!)

Necklace: Nordstrom (pretty!) (bolder)

Cuffs: Gucci, Marc Jacobs

Easy peasy, right? Although I might live in my skinny jeans/ boots combo more often than I should, I love having a closetful of clothes that I don't have to really think about, you know? 

So, if you could define your uniform in a few words, what would you call it?

Freaky Friday: Stuff I Don't Get

Ugh, I'm so mad because as I was getting dressed this morning I found a hole in my sweater. Am I still wearing it? Yes. But it's the principle of the thing! Luckily I have zero plans so the only people who will see my holey sweater are the moms in the pickup line and my husband, after I badger him to take me to lunch.

Meanwhile, let's visit some stuff I currently don't get.

Celebrities who whine that no one leaves them alone and then post swimsuit selfies to Instagram.  #geeiwonderwhy

 Animal sweaters. I know like, everyone is obsessed with foxes and whatnot, but there is literally NO way to wear an animal sweater and not look like a twee 12-year-old.

Plus they ALL remind me of this: 

A clothing company in Canada called Northern Getaway that only specialized in sweatshirts with animals on them in the 90s. If you wore Northern Getaway, you were probably that weird girl in my 5th grade class who licked tin foil and then stuck it to the side of her desk. And then later, peeled it off and continued to lick it.

So yeah... I won't be wearing an animal sweater anytime soon.

 Sweater leggings. Are they sweaters? Are they leggings? One thing is for sure: They're STILL not a substitute for pants.

People who are obsessed with J. Crew. It's a nice store and all, but I don't get the whole "Let's buy everything and copy the entire catalog" mentality. I also enjoy this article. My favorites are "Guys with Beards" and "First Ladies." 

Get out there, preppies. There's a whole world of fashion to explore! And no, simply transitioning to Anthropologie doesn't count.

 People who wear toques/beanies in this manner. Like, it's not even covering your ears. Also, if it's cold enough to wear a knitted hat, it's probably cold enough to wear a jacket. And not shorts. Aaaaand I officially sound old.

Open toe booties. I never ever want to see toes sticking out of boots. They look like an old timey cartoon hobo's shoes.

 This.


OK, it's your turn. What are you not getting lately? Also, feel free to email me angrily if you have recently turned your iPhone charger into a hair accessory and think I'm a jerk.

Sneaky Ways to Transition Trendy Summer Pieces into Fall

Oh hey friends, long time no see. I'm still playing catch up -- I flew in yesterday afternoon and promptly fell asleep for two hours. My son slept for four hours straight and my daughter hung out and watched documentaries on Netflix because she's strange.

I had an awesome trip back home, with highlights including eating an entire Costco pumpkin pie, watching movies at 2 am with my brother while cutting out mustaches for a wedding shower and taking my kids to Niagara Falls and the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum, which is where my husband and I had one of our first dates. There's a belly button lint collection, so it's pretty high brow stuff.

Fall in Canada was gooorgeous. I took my parents' dog out for walks and it was so warm and sunny and I overshared with polite Canadians. And then I came home to Utah, which is freezing right now. Seriously. There was frost on my windows. NOT COOL. But tomorrow is supposed to be warmer, which means I'm not dragging out the winter coats just yet.

When the weather is being more awkward than me apologizing to someone who stepped on my foot, it's time to work those transition pieces. You know, the ones you bought for summer but can't bear to put away? Flip flops need to head to the back of the closet, but there are some sneaky summer pieces you can keep around until it's time to bust out your winter boots.

The Maxi Skirt (Oh, come on you know I was going to say it.)

Mossimo biker jacket / Long fitted skirt / Dollhouse flat / Sephora Collection clutch / Giani onyx jewelry, $35 / Sole Society tube scarf

As an enthusiastic enthusiast of maxi skirts, I hate the way my wardrobe dwindles when I have to put them away. So I'm still wearing mind, just swapping out the flip flops and tees for leather jackets, flats and scarves. And the fair isle pattern to this skirt is just sooooo fall shopping and skipping through leaves.

The Bright Pants (Or statement piece)

Dorothy Perkins jersey knit blazer / Old Navy green jegging / Topshop lacy camisole / Ribbon ballet shoes / ASOS black top handle handbag / Forever 21 necklace / Miss Selfridge black belt

So bright colors and neon were ha-yuge all summer long, but don't ditch your bright skinnies now that it's all doom and gloom and pumpkin spice lattes. Instead, you can totally wear them -- just tone them down with neutrals like tan, black and navy. Super cute and totally fall apropros. Although I'll admit that I'll miss wearing my yellow skinnies with the most obnoxiously bright color combinations that I can think of.

The Chambray Shirt

Hollister Co. beach shirt / American Eagle Outfitters gray shirt / H&M black skinny leg jeans, $16 / Boots / Shoulder bag / La Mer analog wrist watch

Chambray is a summer fabric -- it's light and airy. I have some heavier chambray shirts that may veer into denim territory, but I still don't want to ditch my cute chambray altogether. In fact, using it as a layering piece has made it kind of a staple around these parts. I've been LIVING in a chambray, black jeans and boots combo for the past three weeks. Layer it up under a lighter sweater and it's super cute and not a bajillion degrees.

The Camo Skinny

Aéropostale relax shirt / ZCO camoflauge pants / Mossimo boots / Vintage satchel / Enamel flower jewelry

I searched and searched for my camo skinnies and finally found them when the summer was almost over. So what's a girl to do? I'm wearing mind with chunky sweaters and boots. A word to the wise though -- if you wear your camo skinnies with boots, I find that a more shapely boot looks best. Wearing my camo skinnies with my Fryes looks waaaay too much like I'm actually in the army. Swap it out for slouchy or taller boots and they look much better.

So save your money for better stuff, like when you shop for yourself on Black Friday... not that I do that or anything.

And probably don't eat an entire Costco pumpkin pie.

What I Wore: Neutral Party

It's kind of fitting that I'm posting an all-neutral outfit today, because I'm headed off to Canada for Thanksgiving this afternoon. I credit my traditional, polite, tolerant Canadian upbringing for making me what may be the most neutral party to any political or personal debate of all time. When you're raised with a "Everyone's different, and that's OK" mentality, it's hard to be anything but moderate. I like to stay neutral and hear both sides of the story and even then, it's hard for me to pick a side in just about anything other than my hatred for jumpsuits.

So dressing in neutrals suits me, even if I usually prefer colors. Or colours.

It's the polite way to spell.

Gray tee - Nordstrom (similar)

Jeans: c/o Liverpool Abby fit -- seriously, these are my fave skinny jeans EVER (here)

Boots: Soda (similar) (cheap!) (love these)

Wrap watch: Craft fair

Scarf: H&M - my brother gave it to me! (similar and cheap) (same colors)

Earrings: F21 (similar)

If you're dressing in all neutrals, it helps to bring in some pattern or texture. I love this scarf one of my brothers gave me because it has brown, black and gray in it and therefore matches 99.99 percent of things in my closet. 

That reminds me... I need to pack it. 

I'll be stuffing my face with pie and turkey this week, so it'll be quiet around here. You can follow me via Instagram, Facebook or Twitter if you're desperate for updates and pictures of food, my family and my parent's adorable dog.

Seriously he is so adorable.

Freaky Friday

I woke up this morning to snow on my lawn! That's what happens when you live on the side of a mountain, people. This place has no subtle descent into winter... just blazing heat giving way to freezing cold. I'm headed up to the Great White North to warm up next week, thankfully.

Also, may I remind you that it's October and you know what that means -- trashy Halloween costumes! I've already had submissions, so if you're looking around and see some insanely trashy costumes, send 'em my way for the Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest. If I get doubles, the first person who sent it gets the entry and we'll all get to snark on them come the 31st.

But for now, here's some fun of the mill freakiness for you.

 See, the length says "shirt", but the lack of pants say "dress."

And also "I'm desperate for attention."

 

Maggie sent me these boots which, if you'll notice HAVE HEADS INSIDE OF THEM. Like, I have a 7-year-old daughter and therefore a lot of misplaced Barbie heads over the years, but never once have I fantasized about wearing them. I would caution you against people that do.

 Why would I pay for this necklace when my son can make me one out of Twizzlers Pull n' Peel at preschool?

 Nice try, winter boots. Your leopard print doesn't fool me. You're still frumpy.

Sara sent me these boots which were on a site well-known for catering to moms. Because when I think of "mom," I think of completely nonfunctional work boots tottering around the carpool pickup line.

So my husband and I have this theory that like, 80 percent of women who profess to like sports do it because they like the attention it gets from guys. I would apply this theory to Star Trek as well.

I'm onto you! (Cue angry comments).

I saw this and it seemed familiar and I couldn't figure out why.

Oh, it's because it looks like the best movie ever made THAT'S WHY

("I want you to wear the belly." GASP "Daddy no!")

Ask me if I can quote this entire movie. I dare you.

Once my best friend and I watched it three times in one day. I'm not proud.