Jae's 4th Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year, guys. That time when children use their imaginations to become whatever they want to be, and the time that costume companies decide all women want to dress like strippers.

I started the Annual Trashy Halloween Contest four years ago as a way to document the most ridiculous "sexy" costumes available to women (and as a way to stop people from seeing Bert and Ernie as sexual objects because that's gross). And every year, I laugh at my notes for this post because I have to write things like "Sexy Slice of Pizza" out to keep track of entries.

And I like that.

As usual, if you don't see you entry here, it was either used in a previous year OR someone beat you to it and sent the same one in first. Vote in the comments with the most egregious sexy offender and I'll tally up the votes Halloween morn. Winner gets $25 to Target and the title of "Best Trashy Costume Shamer in the Land!"

Are you ready for this? Yes. You were born ready. Let's go!

Sexy Ebola Containment Suit: Because the pain and suffering of an entire African region and thousands of people is SO HOT RIGHT NOW.

Seriously I will actually punch anyone who wears this so be aware of that. Thanks, Tiffany H. (or no thanks, you choose)

Jennifer W. sent in this Sexy Leatherface costume, Because when I think about a crazed lunatic who cuts off teenagers' faces, I often wonder if he had a special someone with smokin' legs. 

Meleah sent over this Sexy Martini, which I can only assume is desperate, not stirred. 

I don't know what you're talking about, Beth G. I have fantasies involving McDonald's french fries like, every night. 

Mostly that they magically become carb-free. 

Also, why is "Hot Fries" written on the crotch? It sounds like something you should probably get checked out. 

Michelle S. sent over this super sexy Blue Ox. Halloween: The only time when being called a "cow" can be construed as a compliment. Why yes, thank you, I am in fact a cow. 

Sexy Banana, you probably shouldn't make eye contact with anyone for the rest of the night. Thanks , Annie R.!

This Sexy Olaf costume was the one I received most frequently, and Alana K. was the first to send it in and remind me that "Do you like warm hugs?" wouldn't get old and tired AT ALL. 

Like, I'm not even trying to be dramatic right now, but if you sexify a cartoon snowman, I feel like you should probably be drowned in a pot of children's tears because that's friggin' creepy. 

This Sexy Bomb might "explode" and by "explode" I mean "stalk you on Facebook and act like she knows intimate details of your life by chance."

Because we all agree that women who dress like this on Halloween are insane. Like, burn your house to the ground because you didn't like her costume insane (Thanks Amy!)

Corinna T. sent me this sexy Mad Hatter (I think) costume. I think sexy costumes just get ambiguous over the year. Put on some knee-high socks and a short skirt and you can literally be "Sexy Anything."

Amy sent this Sexy Nerd over. Too bad it's not a Sexy Nerd who has taken Photoshop because learn to use the blur tool, my friend. 

Mmm, sexy Candy Corn. Makes your stomach hurt and gets stuck in your teeth. (Thanks, Amy N.)

Amanda H. sent me this sexy Pregnant Troll and I was like WTH I can't even with this anymore. Like, it broke my soul as a human being, so I hope you're happy Amanda. 

Beth sent over this Sexy Baby outfit because you know what really turns me on this holiday season? 

Pedophilia. 

Amber W. sent over this costume, which I think is supposed to be Miley Cyrus from "Wrecking Ball" but is instead just an excuse to wear a sports bra and underpants as a costume and I hate everyone and everything. 

Michelle S. sent over this "Galaxy Gremlin" which is obviously a non-licensed Yoda.

Ladies, if your husband's roleplaying fantasy is Yoda, RUN AWAY. 

Thanks for the sexy Sock Monkey, Jenna F. I was actually wondering when costume makers would hurry up and defile innocent childhood playthings.

Also, I feel like it's a testament to my true nature that the first thing I thought upon seeing this costume was "Wow, those shoes do not go." 

Alright, that's the lineup for this year. I know I have my favorites -- what do you think is the very skankiest of skankiness here? Vote until 11:59pm, tomorrow night and I'll announce the winner before I have to go dress my kids up. 

Thanks to everyone who entered. It affirms that I'm not the only one that feels like the sexification of this holiday is super gross and quite frankly, a little smelly. 

Also, still struggling for a last-minute costume idea? Try this hot mama outfits that really get your motor running (thanks, Bethany C.!)

What I Wore: Tricky Tricky

I'm not even going to lie: This jacket makes me feel like Run DMC and I like it. I went through a pretty heavy old school hop hop phase in high school, thanks to a break dancing brother who would blast it as we drove to school in out Plymouth Sundancer, affectionately named "The Ratmobile." He had a CD called "Back in Tha Day" (yes, spelled that way) and it was like, Tone Loc and Biz Markie and I would steal it from his room when he wasn't around. My two BFFs and I made a choreographed dance to "It's Like That" and I'm not ashamed to admit that I still remember it in its entirety.

What can I say? Old habits die hard. Today, my favorite Pandora station is "Hip Hop BBQ" and I'm inexplicably drawn to stuff like this 90s-ish bomber. My friend Jody had to talk me into it a little because I was like "Wait, can adults with children and mortgage wear this?" and she said yes and you know, path of least resistance and whatnot.

Jacket: Sugarlips (similar) (similar) (uber cheap) (plus) I'm totally having a love affair with bomber jackets this fall. I have this one, a plain black one and my floral kensie one and I just ordered another one (with a scroll pattern I die) because I'm a moderate person in general. 

Tank: c/o modbod and pretty sure you don't need a link for a plain black tank

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here) (similar) (plus)

Boots: Call it Spring Milada oh these have gotten a workout. And I think they officially stopped selling them now, so sadface. (love these) (similar) (similar)

Leather bracelet, because you know, it's so impactful: Marc by Marc Jacobs (this season's version)

If you squint, my boots look a little like high tops so basically I'm a Fly Girl at this point. Off to do the running man. 

Freaky Friday

So yesterday I ran out of dry shampoo, which is NOT ALLOWED because it's basically my number one staple of life after you know, water and bad reality TV. So I put my son in the car to drive down to the drugstore. Which I totally thought was Rite-Aid and then I saw the bag and I was like "I went to Walgreens today?" and was very confused.

So I grabbed my dry shampoo and maybe a nail polish and went to check out. Now, you should know that I am a sucker when it comes to signing up for cards and memberships and stuff at the cashier because I just can't say no. My husband makes fun of me because I will always just go along with giving my email, phone number and blood type to the person working at like, Bath and Body Works. I'm just a really passive person that way. I was thinking to think of a term for it... like non-shy introvert or something? I just want to agree with anything and get of there.

But yesterday, I was in a mood. I had promised myself a Diet Coke + Vanilla + Cream (ughhhhh so good) and I wanted to get out of Rite-Aid/Walgreens fast. So, when the lady asked if I wanted to join their "Exchange Your Soul for Shampoo Points" card, I actually grew a pair and said something.

Lady: Want to join our super special secret society?
Me: UGH No, I'm good.
Lady: It'll save you money!
Me: I'm actually really busy today (complete and utter lie) so, no.
Lady: It would actually save you $2 on this dry shampoo, though.
Me, in a snarky voice: I'M OKAY.
Lady: ...... well, you have a bug in your hair.

And I did. I totally had a huge bug in my hair while I was giving the drugstore cashier attitude. And then I felt like, super stupid. Because as much as I would have liked to hop on my high consumer horse and ridden away, I felt like I had lost like, moral ground or something for having a bug in my hair.

Especially because she helped me get it out.

Me: How long does it take to sign up?
Lady: Literally 30 seconds. Just enter your phone number here.
Me, entering phone number.
Lady: Oh, it looks like you already have a card with us!

So, shoot me in the face please. I then forgot to swipe my card and just stood there blankly when she gave me my total. Later, I ran out of the store saying things to Andrew like "Hurry up, buddy, we're late!" Because, you see, I had to perpetuate the lie that we were busy even though we were on our way to get Diet Coke.

And THAT is why we don't run out of dry shampoo, my friends. Because the line between having fresh, non-smelly hair and being humiliated by a drugstore cashier is awfully thin.

That was my Thursday. How was yours? Good? Good. Onto Freaky Friday.

I feel like people are really wanting jogger pants and heels to happen. It's not going to happen. If you want to wear lazy pants, own it and wear them with flip flops like EVERYONE ELSE. 

 Novelty jewelry is already for sale. And I already want to vomit. 

My husband has this insane aunt that we see once a year and she's the queen of novelty Christmas clothes. And every year, she gives my mother-in-law (her sister) a Christmas vest, and every year, I end up Googling the brand so my MIL can return it. 

 Oh, these shorts are bad. Like, I give up forever bad. 

Preach, Batty.

 Oh, this? This is my casual Disney evil queen dress. I wear it to church on Mother's Day. 

I don't know why, but this dress reminds me of that Paula Abdul video where her costar was an animated cat and they were like, involved somehow?

OMG, Cruella Deville made a tunic out of dalmatians AND girl scouts. 

For when it's cold enough to wear a sweater, but you also want to remind people you're the kind of girl who dates MUCH older men. 

 Awkward keyhole placement FTW!!! 

Oh, I'm just hanging out in my diaper shorts looking like a fancy watermelon AS YOU DO. 

My kids are off school AGAIN today, and I can hear them rustling in the Count Chocula and that's my cereal. Mom stuff: Does it ever end?

5 Non-Trashy, Super Easy Costume Ideas

I think one of the reasons that women dress like straight-up strippers on Halloween is the fact that there's really not a lot of non-trashy options out there. Go to any Halloween costume site and click on "Women" and literally every option will involve boobs and fishnets.

Which have their place, just not at the school Halloween carnival, thanks.

So I went on the hunt for some of the funnest costume ideas that you know, don't degrade your entire gender group. I found some genius ideas just by searching "non-skanky Halloween," but here are some of my favorites.

Rita from Arrested Development

I would actually love to go as Lindsay, my favorite character from Arrested Development, but alas, this is her best-known look, which probably isn't appreciated while handing out candy.

But remember Rita? She was by far my favorite guest character arc on the show, and her clothes were THE BEST. If you'll remember, Michael dated Rita, thinking she was fun and spirited, when she actually had special needs.

Basically, you'll need:
-Your kid's tiara
-A mini backpack
-A loud, flowered shirt that doesn't match in any way shape or form
-Striped leggings
-A tutu

Basically, you'll look like an adult dressed in child clothes. If you really want to hit it home, hang a sign that says "For British Eyes Only" around your neck. I love an obscure costume that only fans will get.

A Real Housewife

This would be friggin brilliant, especially if your friends are Real Housewives lovers like me. 

 

Use the following:

-Cocktail dress

-A streaky fake tan (use something that washes off after one use)

-Huge hair and jewelry

Carry around an orange and a cocktail dress and slur your words and you are good to go. Getting into verbal fights and using common cliches improperly are bonuses. 

The SunDrop Girl

No shame in my game: This was my fave costume of all time, but mostly because it allowed be to booty dance to Drop it Like it's Hot, which is my second favorite song of all time. Plus it was super easy to throw together at the last minute.

-SunDrop shirt, which I got at WalMart.

-Jean shorts. Or "jorts" if you will.

-Black tights

-Leg warmers

-Red shoes

Here's the original commercial I used for this one. It was SO. FUN. 

Paper Bag Princess

I'm obsessed with this costume idea because it would be TOO adorable, especially if you were helping out in your kid's class for Halloween. I would just wear tights with it.

-Paper bag from grocery store (I think it would be easy to grab a few and tape them together)

-Card stock crown -- remember to turn down the edges! 

-Makeup -- to make it look like you're dirty. 

Just scuff up the paper and the crown a little and you are good to go. It would be also super fun to carry around a dragon, if you had one. Not a real one though. You're not Daenerys. Although that would also be a fun costume.

Fashion Blogger

Alison over at Wardrobe Oxygen nailed this look and it would be super simple to recreate. Just mix fabrics and add statement necklaces until you look like a total caricature of yourself. Boom. Blogger.

Just make sure to pose for a million "candid" pictures and never let that Starbucks cup leave your paws, ever. 

And remember, when in doubt, remember that it's NOT OKAY that guys get to dress up and have fun and women are supposed to suck in their stomachs and look like sexpots for what should actually be a holiday for children.

 If your husband suggests a sexy costume, suggest that you turn the tables.

 

What I Wore: Secondhand Cool

As the daughter of a biker, I blame him for my love of all things leather. Like, I'm not cool enough to ride my own motorcycle, but I have like, secondhand biker cred because I grew up around them. Also, sometimes my dad would drive me to school on the bike and I would get SO MAD because he would make me wear a helmet and it messed up my perfect high school hair.

Top: H&M (here) Let me point out that these tops are under $10 and they look good on everyone. Case in point: I was shopping with a group of like, 8 girls and we ALL bought one. I also have it in black and they fit pretty generously -- I buy an XS in these. Seriously. I keep an eye out for new patterns because they're so easy to just throw on without looking like a standard issue T-shirt.
Jacket: Guess (similar) (similar) (yaaass plus) I pat myself on the back for buying this jacket a few years ago. It has served me well. 

Pants: H&M (here) (similar) (plus)
Boots: Dollhouse (here) (similar) (low heel)

This boot/jeans combo is so cool it deserves a close-up. Like... I can't even. 

Don't worry, I only wear cool clothes. I still do incredibly dorky things like play MarioKart on my pink DS and get nervous when talking to adults. Any cool that I get is totally secondhand from my biker dad.

Who has excellent hair, by the way. 

Freaky Friday

 Happy Friday everyone! My kids are off  of school and have naturally been fighting for the last half hour. I went to a downright PUNISHING workout this morning and I don't have the energy to play referee. At this point, it's basically like natural selection, right?

I kid.

Kind of.

Also, thanks to everyone who has sent in submissions for the Trashy Halloween Contest thus far. I love love love having readers who are willing to do that and I've received some DOOZIES (and/or floozies heh heh heh) this year.

For now, let's just do a normal Freaky Friday, though.

Oh dear these pants. I feel like they want to be a classy animal print but instead wound up klassy and that one letter makes a big difference. 

Also. Dat 18 inch crotch.

 I don't usually do kids clothes because my children dress like hobos on the reg, but this dress scared me in a Margaret Atwood Handmaid's Tale kind of way. (Yeaaaaah literary humor)

 If you don't just instinctively know these pants and heels are wrong, we are probably not friends. 

 Ugh, have I ever talked about how much I hate shirts with like, paragraphs of self-statements on them? No one needs to know this about you. NO ONE. What, am I going to stand there for 45 seconds so I can get to know you based on your novelty long-sleeve T?

The fact that you're wearing one at all is enough for me.

Finally! A dress I can wear when Richard Gere rescues me from a life of selling my body on the streets!

 Took me a minute to realize what this slopjacket reminded me of:

(Man, a lot of movie references today!)

 I know this is supposed to make for a more flattering figure, but it really just makes me think of square ovaries and I'm sorry for that.

OKAY now I can go cry in shower because my shoulders hurt, don't mind me I just did like 6,499 chaturangas today and want to saw them off. My kids are still fighting. I think I'm just going to let them battle to the death, Gladiator-style. 

Byeeeeeeeee!

The 4th Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest: Call for Entries

It's that time again! Time to weed out the trashiest Halloween costumes known to man as a way to stop women from feeling like they have to dress like prostitutes once per year (heck, if you really wanted to, why wait for Halloween, amiright?)

Now, some rules for entries (because I've already had some come in) remember a few things:

• If you found the costume on a website, do me a favor and send the link, will ya? One site in particular gets mad if I post pics without a link back to the costume. You know, in case I didn't shame you enough and you want to order it.
• Avoid sending in pics of like, people you know or personal pics. I don't want to make someone feel bad AFTER the fact. Just before. I'm not a monster.

And that's about it. Send your entries via Facebook or email and on Halloween Eve I'll put them up for voting. As usual, winner gets a $25 Target gift card. 

As a refresher, here are some of the worst offenders and winners of the Annual Trashiest Halloween Costume Contest. 

 Sexy USB is subtle.

 This Twerkin' Teddy won last year, right after Miley crotch-grabbed her way into our hearts. 

Or, sexy Pac-Man, which has a secret surprise.

Surprise! It's herpes. 

Let's not also forget the likes of Sexy SpongeBob, Sexy Parrot and Sexy Ketchup Bottle, all of which were real entries over the years. 

No faith in humanity whatsoever. Also, before I get accused of slut-shaming AGAIN which happens every year, let me remind you that yes, this is shameful behavior. That's what I'm getting at. Don't dress like this on Halloween. You're better than this. If you want to wear a bustier, just wear one and don't use Sexy Lamp as an excuse. Children's characters, inanimate objects and actual respectable professions are NOT SEXY, so put down the Teletubby, outlet cover and police officer costumes away please. 

Yes? Yes. Let's do this. I'll accept entries all the way until Oct. 30th, so keep 'em coming. And as always, I love that I have readers that understand this ridiculousness as well as I do. You guys are awesome. 

xo,
Jae