Freaky Friday: Love Letters

Ah, you guys! My kids went to the cabin with their grandparents yesterday evening and I've been home alone since. So far, I've done exciting things like: eat ribs like a motherflippin' ladyboss, go to Wal-Mart, stay up late to watch Jimmy Fallon with my husband and work with very loud and inappropriate Robin Thicke music playing in the background. It's glorious, especially after a week of Spring Break where I felt all this pressure to be the best mom ever and take my kids to every crowded, overpriced activity we could think of. I have big plans to catch up on all the HBO I DVRed last week, watch wedding shows and do my hair. I'm giddy.

Unfortunately, I'm on my annual April shopping diet, otherwise I'd be using this mama time-off to hit up stores. It's killllllling me for real. I'm going for a girl's trip in a few weeks, so I can binge then but for now, I'm trying to stay away from online shopping. And to do that, I'm writing love letters to some of my favorite mom-related celebs and public figures that I've been thinking of lately.


Dear Gwyneth Paltrow:

So I noticed that you're back trying to make me hate you again. And you're doing an excellent job, I might add. When you released your "Spring Review" aka "Spring Humblebrag About How Rich You Are", I'll admit that I was curious. After all, if you're spending $450K on clothes this spring, I can only assume you purchased excellent pieces that can be worn in a variety of ways for seasons to come.

 And yet... I was so wrong. Instead, you showed pieces that would work on no one. Not even yourself. And yeah, I know you worked hard on that toned belly by eating baby food and doing the idiotic Tracey Anderson method for two hours every day, but I still don't want to see your stomach. I actually don't want to see anyone's stomach outside of a pool or beach. And I DARE you to wear those orange metallic shorts again. DARE.

Kisses,
Jae

Dear Kim Kardashian

Sweetie. Honey. Baby. Muffin. Cinnamon Buns. You have GOT to start thinking about maternity clothes for me. Look, I know you want to be cool and sexy during your pregnancy. We all do. But it's OK to show off your bump -- don't cover it up. Sure, your babydaddy is a huge douchecanoe and is probably a jerk about you shopping a A Pea in the Pod like normal people, but he doesn't own you. Seeing you stuff your belly into high-waisted pants or hiding it under huge flowy dresses makes my heart hurt.

Also, pregnancy is NOT the time to go with a strapless bra. Because now my heart and my back hurts. You're a millionaire. You can do better than this.

Check out Jessica Simpson, who is doing a MUCH better job with clothing this time around:



 Can we just make a tight shirt and cute blazer like, the uniform for maternity clothes? That would be greaaaat.

Thanks!
Jae

Dear That Person Who Wrote the "Dear Mom on the iPhone" Letter I Saw on Facebook:

I honestly wanted to write a whole tirade about this because it irked me so bad. But I've calmed down and now I'll just say a few things.

1) Hey, other people who aren't parents to my kids -- wanna stop judging me for it? As long as mine are fed, clothed, sheltered and safe, I'm doing my job and you don't need to worry. I've got this.

2) My kids actually don't need me drooling and clapping like a seal over everything they do. Not every trip down the slide is going to be the best ever. Sometimes, it's just a routine trip to the park and I don't need to bring a DSLR camera to document every movement.

3) Let's face it: Kids are pretty mediocre most of the time. It's just mommy blogs, Instagram and judgey article writers who make it sound like your child is just a magical fairy dust moment waiting to happen in perfect lighting. We're spawning a generation of moms who plunge into deep depression when they have children and realize that most of the time their kids smell like peanut butter and have hobo hair and do stupid things like trying to be ninjas and hurting themselves and then what will they blog about???

4) I'm checking my phone because I'm emailing a client. I work. I actually want my kids to see me working. My work is important to me. One day, I want work to be important to them too.

5) I'm taking my kids to the park and that should be super-mom enough. I consider this a triumph because they could be inside watching SpongeBob. Don't ruin that for me. 

6) "Your little boy keeps shouting, "Mom, MOM watch this!" I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way. He sees that too. His shoulders slump." 
Excuse me while I vomit. You know what moms need right now? More guilt. Because they don't have enough from everyone else already. So now, not only do I have to feel guilty that my kids don't eat an all-organic diet, go to private school or read at an 8th grade level, I have to feel guilty each time I look at my freakin' phone. I was actually looking for something else to feel guilty about, so thanks for that.

7) Stop watching me at the park. It's creepy.

Love forever,
Jae

Dear Josh Duhamel:

You're adorable. I read an article that said you called Fergie giving birth "a beautiful thing." And yeah, it's pretty special. But be prepared for the not-so-beautiful parts too. Because giving birth is also pretty slimy.

With warning,
Jae


Dear Amanda Bynes' Mom:

I don't know if you realize this, but your daughter is having a mental breakdown. Like, stage 5, Michael Jackson dangling a baby out of a window capital-M Meltdown. Where are you? You need to go scoop her up, bring her home and bake her shepherd's pie while watching a Downton Abbey marathon like a good mother.

This is a cry for help.  A really badly-dyed cry.

Lovingly,
Jae


Dear Holly Madison:

You named your child Rainbow.




















So I guess we're assuming she's not becoming a lawyer?

In all seriousness,
Jae



Whew... that felt good to get off my chest. It's your turn! Anyone you'd like to write a passive-aggressive note about? Because I want the dishy dirt while I watch wedding shows!