Freaky Friday: Stuff I Don't Get

Ugh, I'm so mad because as I was getting dressed this morning I found a hole in my sweater. Am I still wearing it? Yes. But it's the principle of the thing! Luckily I have zero plans so the only people who will see my holey sweater are the moms in the pickup line and my husband, after I badger him to take me to lunch.

Meanwhile, let's visit some stuff I currently don't get.

Celebrities who whine that no one leaves them alone and then post swimsuit selfies to Instagram.  #geeiwonderwhy

 Animal sweaters. I know like, everyone is obsessed with foxes and whatnot, but there is literally NO way to wear an animal sweater and not look like a twee 12-year-old.

Plus they ALL remind me of this: 

A clothing company in Canada called Northern Getaway that only specialized in sweatshirts with animals on them in the 90s. If you wore Northern Getaway, you were probably that weird girl in my 5th grade class who licked tin foil and then stuck it to the side of her desk. And then later, peeled it off and continued to lick it.

So yeah... I won't be wearing an animal sweater anytime soon.

 Sweater leggings. Are they sweaters? Are they leggings? One thing is for sure: They're STILL not a substitute for pants.

People who are obsessed with J. Crew. It's a nice store and all, but I don't get the whole "Let's buy everything and copy the entire catalog" mentality. I also enjoy this article. My favorites are "Guys with Beards" and "First Ladies." 

Get out there, preppies. There's a whole world of fashion to explore! And no, simply transitioning to Anthropologie doesn't count.

 People who wear toques/beanies in this manner. Like, it's not even covering your ears. Also, if it's cold enough to wear a knitted hat, it's probably cold enough to wear a jacket. And not shorts. Aaaaand I officially sound old.

Open toe booties. I never ever want to see toes sticking out of boots. They look like an old timey cartoon hobo's shoes.

 This.


OK, it's your turn. What are you not getting lately? Also, feel free to email me angrily if you have recently turned your iPhone charger into a hair accessory and think I'm a jerk.

Sneaky Ways to Transition Trendy Summer Pieces into Fall

Oh hey friends, long time no see. I'm still playing catch up -- I flew in yesterday afternoon and promptly fell asleep for two hours. My son slept for four hours straight and my daughter hung out and watched documentaries on Netflix because she's strange.

I had an awesome trip back home, with highlights including eating an entire Costco pumpkin pie, watching movies at 2 am with my brother while cutting out mustaches for a wedding shower and taking my kids to Niagara Falls and the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum, which is where my husband and I had one of our first dates. There's a belly button lint collection, so it's pretty high brow stuff.

Fall in Canada was gooorgeous. I took my parents' dog out for walks and it was so warm and sunny and I overshared with polite Canadians. And then I came home to Utah, which is freezing right now. Seriously. There was frost on my windows. NOT COOL. But tomorrow is supposed to be warmer, which means I'm not dragging out the winter coats just yet.

When the weather is being more awkward than me apologizing to someone who stepped on my foot, it's time to work those transition pieces. You know, the ones you bought for summer but can't bear to put away? Flip flops need to head to the back of the closet, but there are some sneaky summer pieces you can keep around until it's time to bust out your winter boots.

The Maxi Skirt (Oh, come on you know I was going to say it.)

Mossimo biker jacket / Long fitted skirt / Dollhouse flat / Sephora Collection clutch / Giani onyx jewelry, $35 / Sole Society tube scarf

As an enthusiastic enthusiast of maxi skirts, I hate the way my wardrobe dwindles when I have to put them away. So I'm still wearing mind, just swapping out the flip flops and tees for leather jackets, flats and scarves. And the fair isle pattern to this skirt is just sooooo fall shopping and skipping through leaves.

The Bright Pants (Or statement piece)

Dorothy Perkins jersey knit blazer / Old Navy green jegging / Topshop lacy camisole / Ribbon ballet shoes / ASOS black top handle handbag / Forever 21 necklace / Miss Selfridge black belt

So bright colors and neon were ha-yuge all summer long, but don't ditch your bright skinnies now that it's all doom and gloom and pumpkin spice lattes. Instead, you can totally wear them -- just tone them down with neutrals like tan, black and navy. Super cute and totally fall apropros. Although I'll admit that I'll miss wearing my yellow skinnies with the most obnoxiously bright color combinations that I can think of.

The Chambray Shirt

Hollister Co. beach shirt / American Eagle Outfitters gray shirt / H&M black skinny leg jeans, $16 / Boots / Shoulder bag / La Mer analog wrist watch

Chambray is a summer fabric -- it's light and airy. I have some heavier chambray shirts that may veer into denim territory, but I still don't want to ditch my cute chambray altogether. In fact, using it as a layering piece has made it kind of a staple around these parts. I've been LIVING in a chambray, black jeans and boots combo for the past three weeks. Layer it up under a lighter sweater and it's super cute and not a bajillion degrees.

The Camo Skinny

Aéropostale relax shirt / ZCO camoflauge pants / Mossimo boots / Vintage satchel / Enamel flower jewelry

I searched and searched for my camo skinnies and finally found them when the summer was almost over. So what's a girl to do? I'm wearing mind with chunky sweaters and boots. A word to the wise though -- if you wear your camo skinnies with boots, I find that a more shapely boot looks best. Wearing my camo skinnies with my Fryes looks waaaay too much like I'm actually in the army. Swap it out for slouchy or taller boots and they look much better.

So save your money for better stuff, like when you shop for yourself on Black Friday... not that I do that or anything.

And probably don't eat an entire Costco pumpkin pie.

What I Wore: Neutral Party

It's kind of fitting that I'm posting an all-neutral outfit today, because I'm headed off to Canada for Thanksgiving this afternoon. I credit my traditional, polite, tolerant Canadian upbringing for making me what may be the most neutral party to any political or personal debate of all time. When you're raised with a "Everyone's different, and that's OK" mentality, it's hard to be anything but moderate. I like to stay neutral and hear both sides of the story and even then, it's hard for me to pick a side in just about anything other than my hatred for jumpsuits.

So dressing in neutrals suits me, even if I usually prefer colors. Or colours.

It's the polite way to spell.

Gray tee - Nordstrom (similar)

Jeans: c/o Liverpool Abby fit -- seriously, these are my fave skinny jeans EVER (here)

Boots: Soda (similar) (cheap!) (love these)

Wrap watch: Craft fair

Scarf: H&M - my brother gave it to me! (similar and cheap) (same colors)

Earrings: F21 (similar)

If you're dressing in all neutrals, it helps to bring in some pattern or texture. I love this scarf one of my brothers gave me because it has brown, black and gray in it and therefore matches 99.99 percent of things in my closet. 

That reminds me... I need to pack it. 

I'll be stuffing my face with pie and turkey this week, so it'll be quiet around here. You can follow me via Instagram, Facebook or Twitter if you're desperate for updates and pictures of food, my family and my parent's adorable dog.

Seriously he is so adorable.

Freaky Friday

I woke up this morning to snow on my lawn! That's what happens when you live on the side of a mountain, people. This place has no subtle descent into winter... just blazing heat giving way to freezing cold. I'm headed up to the Great White North to warm up next week, thankfully.

Also, may I remind you that it's October and you know what that means -- trashy Halloween costumes! I've already had submissions, so if you're looking around and see some insanely trashy costumes, send 'em my way for the Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest. If I get doubles, the first person who sent it gets the entry and we'll all get to snark on them come the 31st.

But for now, here's some fun of the mill freakiness for you.

 See, the length says "shirt", but the lack of pants say "dress."

And also "I'm desperate for attention."

 

Maggie sent me these boots which, if you'll notice HAVE HEADS INSIDE OF THEM. Like, I have a 7-year-old daughter and therefore a lot of misplaced Barbie heads over the years, but never once have I fantasized about wearing them. I would caution you against people that do.

 Why would I pay for this necklace when my son can make me one out of Twizzlers Pull n' Peel at preschool?

 Nice try, winter boots. Your leopard print doesn't fool me. You're still frumpy.

Sara sent me these boots which were on a site well-known for catering to moms. Because when I think of "mom," I think of completely nonfunctional work boots tottering around the carpool pickup line.

So my husband and I have this theory that like, 80 percent of women who profess to like sports do it because they like the attention it gets from guys. I would apply this theory to Star Trek as well.

I'm onto you! (Cue angry comments).

I saw this and it seemed familiar and I couldn't figure out why.

Oh, it's because it looks like the best movie ever made THAT'S WHY

("I want you to wear the belly." GASP "Daddy no!")

Ask me if I can quote this entire movie. I dare you.

Once my best friend and I watched it three times in one day. I'm not proud.

Fall Boot Eye Candy and the Time I Rolled My Eyes So Hard My Contact Fell Out

So the other day I was on a mission: find a new pair of boots. Do I already have a large collection of boots? Yes. But I was looking for a specific kind of boot -- a mid-length black boot with grungy details and a wide mouth. I've been wearing a lot of military-type outfits and my brown midi boots didn't always cut it.

Anyway, as a last-ditch effort I popped into the Payless in our teensy town and started browsing. Cue the always-intense Payless shoe salesgirl who popped over to tell me all about the fall sale. "It's a really big deal," she said. Great. I love a sale. She asked if I was looking for anything in particular and I lied and said no, but I'd let her know if I needed help.

She then proceeded to point out which shoes were "really fashionable this season." I wandered away and then proceeded to roll my eyes so hard that my contact bubbled and I had to poke it back in. That's a serious eye-roll, folks.

That got rid of her for about two seconds. She came back to show me a line of comfort 1" heels. Like, I don't know how to say this -- but I don't feel I look like the kind of girl who wears "comfort" shoes. But I nodded and make affirmative noises to make her feel good and she went to another aisle for a while.

While she was gone, I miraculously found the exact boot I'd been looking for and tried them on. They fit and I picked them up to check out. She came back. THIS time she wanted to show me a pair of leopard-print wedges. I'm guessing because I was wearing leopard flats? I was clearly standing there with a box with boots, but I then felt pressured to try on the wedges (they were horrendous).

Finally, another customer came in and I had five seconds to breathe. Of course, then I had to check out and explain to her that I ONLY wanted the boots and no I did not want to buy leopard wedges while she looked personally offended. It was awful. I left there feeling emotionally drained, all for these. On the bright side, they're exactly what I wanted -- mid-calf, wide top and a little slouch. On the down side, I'm terrified of ever going into that store again.

Anyway, to stop you from experiencing shoe salesperson guilt trips, I've rounded up some of my fave fall boots for you.

I'm all about comfort this year, so most are flat or have a small heel at best. Heeled boots have their place, but that is not at the pumpkin patch, amiright? I also like a little interest in the form of buckles and straps, along with a nice, wide top that you can stuff your jeans into.

I know heeled booties are also back for fall, but I'm just not a bootie kinda gal. I have a big butt and a sleek little bootie heel makes me look like a watermelon walking around on toothpicks. I don't begrudge others for wearing them, they just aren't for yours truly.

So check out my picks for mid and knee-length boots and may your shopping experience be much less eye-rolling than mine.

What kind of boot are you looking for this fall? Tell me so I can copy you and make my husband mad when I ask for more shoe storage yaaaay.

Rocket Dog boots / Rocket Dog wrap boots / Olsenboye ankle booties / Tan wedge shoes, $41 / Low-heel boots / Forever 21 ankle booties / Ankle booties

 

 Mossimo brown buckle boots / Charlotte Russe studded knee high boots / Buckle riding boots / Jessica Simpson high heel cowgirl boots / Not Rated boots / Double buckle boots / Forever 21 knee high platform boots

What I Wore: Under Control

My 4-year-old is probably what psycho-babble parenting experts call "high spirited." He has a ton of energy and typically enjoys pushing my buttons. Yesterday was one of those days that I may have contemplating selling him on the black market.

We were in church and it was supposed to be quiet and he did everything in his power to make noise. He started clapping the sides of a hymn book together and when I took it away he started clapping his hands while staring at me defiantly. He then found a truck in my purse and proceeded to shoot it 20 feet across the floor and into wall. After that, he fake yawned for five minutes and then break danced on the floor for a while. He finally celebrated the end of his debauchery by falling asleep on my husband's shoulder.

I was so exhausted that I was ready to throw in the towel, go home and watch a Four Weddings marathon. Buuuut I had blow dried my hair and was wearing a skirt and it seemed like a waste. I could at least look like I was in control, even if my child completely owns me. 

I mean, after all, this woman looks like she has control of her child, right?

Top: Local boutique (want!) (plus size) (this with a pencil skirt? I die.)

Blazer: Bluenotes - Canada (cheap!) (so cute)

Skirt: modbod 

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (love these) (similar)

Earrings: I'm pretty sure I bought them at a Marshall's and don't know the brand. But these are close.

Charm watch: (similar)

I'm of the "fake it till you make it" variety. It's also how I help my kid look like he's a nice, normal boy when he might actually be the devil.

And don't worry about me saying that my child is the devil on the Internet. I tell him to his face as well so all bases are covered. 

 Yup... I have this kid under control. For the five seconds it took to take this picture.

Freaky Friday: Crimes Against Cleavage

 I'm actually kind of glad that Boob Week is over. I've looked for so many boob-related pictures that I'm probably going to be flagged as a sex offender by the government. It's all for you, guys!

Of course, I couldn't close out the week without some serious boob offenses -- crimes against cleavage, if you will. Luckily, some of your favorite celebs are on hand to show you what NOT to do with your lovely lady lumps.

 Don't go unsupported, ESPECIALLY in this form-fitting of a skirt and ESPECIALLY if you're at the Oscars. Your boobs should never look this depressed.

 Now, I love me some Joan, but even if you have this much of a heaving pirate fantasy bosom, you don't need to push them up so high. You need to breathe.

I literally NEVER want to see the underside of anyone's boob. Ever. 

 That goes for you too, Kate Upton. You have a killer bod, but I see this picture and all I can think is "I bet her back was sore by the end of the night."

 Don't do this flat pancake thing either. It looks like it hurts. And also makes me want pancakes.

 Sometimes I feel like I do when I have to yell something obvious and weird at my kids, like "NO You can not dip your sister's Barbie in the toilet!" I feel like I shouldn't have to say "No you should not dress your boobs up as mouse ears in the world's most unflattering costume," but alas.

And while you should be OK with smallish boobs, let's not pretend they're completely nonexistent. Especially if you're going to WIN that night and immortalize your lack of a chest for.ev.er.


And so our week comes to a close. Verdict? Do we want more themed weeks, like shoe week, work week or "I obviously have a deep seated hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow" week? Let me know. Otherwise, I hope you have a happygoodboob kind of weekend.