Freaky Friday: My Awesome Readers

So can you deal with the fact that there are only two more weekends until Christmas? I actually kind of love the busy crazy malls and that smell of husband desperation that comes seeping out in the next 10 days. I'll definitely be participating and by participating I mean wandering the mall and eating Cinnabons. 

But for now, let's get freaky. In my head I said it like "Freak-KAY!" And it's especially awesome today because I had a backlog of pictures sent to me by my awesome possum reader whom I love muchly. Thanks, friends! 

......

Homer likey. Hey, I like pretty nails as much as the next gal, but I don't really want my hands to remind me that I'm constantly hungry for donuts. Also, can you imagine trying to open mail with those puppies? Nightmare.

 Psssst.... you're a stripper. 

Stephanie sent me these shoes. I guess she really wanted to take her dogs for a walk HA HA HA. 

Her decapitated little dogs. 

 Because sometimes, you just want to accessorize with that denim skirt you owned when you were 16. 

 Breanne sent me these super special toe shoes. For people polite enough to know that sometimes, going barefoot isn't OK, but who still want to remind everyone that they have toes. 

S sent me these boots that look like every shoe I wore in the 90s together. Remember desert boots? Ohhhh so bad. Also, I don't condone elastic shoe openings. 

 Jen and Denise took some time out of shopping to spot an ostrich n the wild. Just kidding, that's Denise! It's my favorite when you guys are thinking of me when you see ugly clothes. I'm touched. 

Emily sent me these shoes. Look closely. No, look again. THEY'RE MADE OF RATS.

RATS.

rats.

And, as an added bonus, Brenda sent me this tattoo with the message "I give up on people."

WHAT Brenda? Why? Getting an everlasting emblem of something that was popular for 2 seconds sounds like a great idea to me. Stop being so judgmental.

Speaking of judging, would you judge me if I said I'm on my way out to the mall. I'M SORRY IT MAKES ME FEEL CHRISTMASSY please don't read too much into the last four letters of that word. 

Freaky Uh, Tuesday

Hey guys!

I'm gearing up to fly cross-country again after a lovely weekend in Canada with my family. On the bright side, I'll probably need a seatbelt extender on the plane after all of the food my mom has fed me in the past few days. But, I didn't wanna leave you hanging for another day, especially my favorite new fan, Anonymous! Hey, Anonymous! Thanks for leaving troll-y comments on every post I've done recently. I so appreciate that traffic revenue so I can shop for more clothes that you hate! You're a pal... keep up the good work, because I have my eye on a new dress.

Anyway, I DID want to post this: 10 Years of Kardashian Christmas Photos. Go. Feast your eyes on one of the awesomest sights in the world and then come back and tell me which is your fave. I'm partial to the biker one. You all know how much I love a leather jacket. Why not dress your entire family up like the Sons of Anarchy to celebrate the birth of our Lord, only not cool and stabby?

We'll be back to scheduled programming tomorrow when I'm good and tired. Until then, just think of me battling two kids during holiday travel on a crowded plane and be glad you're hanging out in your pajamas today. I won't even judge you for it.

Dressing Festively Without Looking Like a Christmas Tree Barfed on You

Blaaaaah the day before I head up to Canada is always bananapants. Yes I just made that word up and I'm pretty proud of myself.  I had a to-do list a mile long this morning and I am just plowing away through it all. But alas, I have not yet gotten "Write a blog," "Pay the Internet company so they don't shut off my reason for living," and  "find those motherfreaking kid-sized headphones so my kids are kept entertained on the plane" checked off the list yet. I'm updating this post as a way to check off the blog one. I'll keep you posted on the headphones.

Anyway, just a friendly reminder that "Festive Dress" doesn't mean "Dress like your demented Aunt Myrtle." It means sparkle and shine, not Rudolph and Snowman appliques. And, since party season is upon us (seriously, my calendar looks like a Christmas tree right now and it gives me anxiety) you're going to need to know how to dress for your hubby's work thingy, or a party with your gal pals. Ew, I just said gal pals. Shoot me.

Parties and luncheons strike fear in the hearts of many, when they are instructed to "dress festively" on the invite. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Well, I can assure you, that while the word "festive" may conjure up a lot of red and green and striping in your mind, no one at your party wants you showing up like an elf. Unless, you're having an Ugly Sweater Christmas party and that's the point.

Please, step away from the appliqued sweaters!



You do not teach grade three.

I know that during the holidays you want to dress as merry (or Hanukkah-y?) as you feel inside, but you can do this without resorting to dressing like you're five. Take a more sophisticated approach this year.

Of course, there's always that one person who is like "Whatever, I LIKE looking like the kooky Christmas fairy. It shows everyone my Christmas spirit." Wrong. It shows everyone your chemical imbalance and makes them feel uncomfortable and just the slightest bit sorry for you. Enjoy Christmas with your four cats, weirdo.

I don't think dressing festively means you have to wear your love for the holidays on your shirt, hat or underoos. I think that you can take a plain outfit in a neutral color, and dress it up to look special for the holidays. No light up earrings necessary.

Let's start with a well-cut, albeit plain dress by Alexander Wang.



Ah, what a lovely, blank canvas!

Then, add festive accessories that step it up.

When in doubt, add red OR green, but absolutely, positively NOT BOTH. Although, you might have a hard time finding green shoes, and even if you do, they might not be festive enough for people to "get it".

Love these shoes.


(BCBGirls)

And these earrings:



I'm totally kidding. Please don't ever. You are not a tree. Try these instead!




(Zappos) Much better and not so scary Christmas-y. And I freakin' love this bracelet and may sell my soul for it:


If you decide to do the red thing, choose TWO red accessories and leave the rest safety in your jewelry box. Let's not jam the red theme down all of the party goers throats, mmkay?

But you can mix other things with the red. The holidays are one of the time that I strongly advocate mixed metallics, especially when worn with a dark neutral like black or navy. They pop right off, and it's not something that is an every day thing, so it looks festive.



(Banana Republic)

(F21; you knew I had to put a little cheapie F21 ring in here, didn't you?)

A clutch is a must for any Christmas party. Sorry, large bag offenders. (Barney's New York)

Orrrr even if you don't want to get all glammed up with colors and metallics and Christmas sweaters and earrings shaped like snowmen, just be content to wear one , large piece that you wouldn't normally wear.



(Tilly's) I love this cuff bracelet so much that I made my husband come buy it for me immediately so that it was shipped in time for Christmas. AND it was $5 soooo yeah.


Let's redefine what the word "festive" means. To me, it means something just a little more unique than every day. Step away from the scary vest and mom jeans. Step toward the shiny things.

YAY! "Blog" is crossed off the list. Now to find headphones. I have a sneaking suspicion they're in my son's backpack, covered in melted chocolate. I'm tired. When I get home, I'm going to guilt-trip my mom into making food and taking care of my kids for me. Hooray for the holidays!

What I Wore: Casual Friday

I actually can't remember if I wore this on Friday or not. I think it was actually a Wednesday. But Casual Wednesday didn't have the same gimmicky ring to it and we all know I'm about the gimmicks.

Just the same, I just wanted to show you that sometimes, I dress waaay down. And I don't do my hair. And my house is messy and cropped artfully out of my outfit pictures. I believe this day I was doing nothing special except carting kids back and forth from school and making gingerbread cookies together, which turned out horribly. It was one of those things that you visualize being a precious memory and it was more like "ANDREW! Stop dumping flour everywhere! ADDIE! Why is there dough on the floor. ANDREW! No, the Easter Bunny is not a Christmas shape." I'm just glad it's over. Can I collect my good mom medal?

Top: A&F
Scarf: David & Young
Jeggies: F21
Socks: Target
Boots: Soda

 I bought these boots last week on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and they've been glue to my feet ever since. They're like my Steve Buscemi boat shoes -- ugly to the point of cuteness. I bought these to see if I liked them before investing in a more expensive pair. Yes, I want to invest.

I heart my American scarf. It's funny 'cuz I'm not American, right?

Ha! I also bought a new infinity wool scarf on Saturday while shopping with my Hubs. It went like this at checkout:
Checkout lady: Your total is $25 and since you spent over $20, you can pick a scarf for $5 if you want.
Hubs: No.
Me: What? It's $5!!
Hubs: She doesn't want one.
Me: Does it come in black?

And that's how I got a new scarf.

Please also note that I'm not wearing any jewelry in this shot. That's because I'm lazy on days where I just drive kids around. No one is going to see me but the other moms at preschool and I don't think they care what I'm wearing -- just that I apologize for my son making their child cry.

Freaky Friday

 Happy Friday guys! I'm in a weird mood today. Like, I need to go shopping for my entire family today for Fake Christmas next week and instead I'm looking at bad fashion online and listening to my kid watching "Sofia the First" because Tim Gunn is one of the voices. TIM GUNN. I love it. So yes. Freaky Friday, then more gloating over Tim Gunn, then shopping. I heart the weekend.

 These boots were listed as "Ugly, yet beautiful." No, no. They're just ugly. They look like a pot smoker's poncho, which I can only assume are experiencing a resurgence in Colorado.

 Hey, I want to be comfy in the fall too. But I also don't want to look like I'm wearing a wookie. It's a fine line, people. A fine line. 

 Yay! It's your new go-to cocktail dress. For a party with the Cirque Du Soleil. And everyone's dropping acid. 

Oh, JUMPSUITS. Let's see what Bearded '70s Gigalo has to say about this:

 ...Because one is enough... when it's YOU. 

...Fashion climax.

...Walking turn-on.

...She'll eat you alive in it.

...Treats your body. 

I'm dying.

...Dead

 

 Perfect for when you want long, droopy napkin in the front but a PARTY IN THE BACK. 

 You can totally hate me when I say I don't *get* Star Wars. In fact, I remember going to Episode 1 at like, midnight when I was 16 and I have no idea why. 

I also don't *get* hoodies that make you look like another person. Particularly when it has hair. I don't want my sweaters to already have their hair done, you know? 

 Add sheer miniskirts and glitter booties to other things I don't quiet understand. 

 My mom  -- the only person in the WORLD who still insists on sending everything to my 10 year old Hotmail account -- found these on Pinterest. MY MOM you guys. Even she knows that looking like a demented doll is weird. 

 Look like a demented panda instead! This reminds me of My Strange Addiction where the guy wanted to be a baby forever and had a hard time finding a woman who would change his diapers and feed him mush. YOU DON'T SAY?!

 Sara and Eileen sent over this laptop privacy sweater. Because, you know, NOT surfing dirty pictures in public is so hard.

And I saved the best for last. Dawn sent me this with a note that Yoko Ono is designing clothes now. I'm wondering when the whole mysterious Asian thing is going to wear off. Like, one day she just wakes up and is like wow, I just want to wear yoga pants and look at cat memes and eat Kraft Dinner today. And then people can stop acting like she's provocative and not just a crazy old coot.

I keep scrolling back up to look at Bearded '70s Gigalo and laughing hysterically. Dude is a smooth operator for sure. Print him off and stick him to your fridge for constant entertainment. You're welcome in advance. 

Alright, I'm off to gift shop. I love to gift shop. It gives me the warm fuzzies. Much like Bearded '70s Gigalo in his sassy white playsuit. Meow!

Winter Coat Love -- on a Budget!

Can I point out that this is my 501st post? I feel like I should do something special. Umm. I got nothin'.

That aside, I did want to take some time out of my busy schedule posting posed pictures of myself to talk about winter coats. Is it starting to get cold where you are? It's actually really warm here in Utah still. I'm mad because I just bought a new winter jacket and boots and they are in no way appropriate for wear yet. Darn. But! I'll be in Canada next week and they know how to do winter there, so I'm looking forward to some snow bunnyness.

Now, the main mistake I see in winter jacket wear is shapeless-ness. Puffy coats are warm, but they also make me question your gender, you know? I'm all for staying toasty warm during the cold months. I'm from a place where your nostrils froze together on the way to school. I get that. Just make sure you buy with warmth and style in mind and we should be good. Warm nostrils, pretty fashion -- what more could you ask for?

Hooded coat / Full Tilt hooded jacket / Long coat / Nobis / Mossimo Supply Co. Parka

I love me some parkas in the winter time. I used to have a green one but my husband hated it and I have a feeling it found its way to the charity bag. Nevermind, I bought a new white one last weekend -- it was on sale! When looking for mucho warmth, parkas are where it's at. Just look for girly details. I LOVE fur on the hood and toggles that let you cinch up the wist. Bonus if you get a bright color.

Faux leather jacket / Faux leather jacket / Black jacket / BB Dakota jacket / Faux leather bomber jacket

If it's a little cool but not exactly freezing, leather jackets are my go-to coat. I have an uber-high cold tolerance, so my leathers get a lot of love during the winter here. I have some that are real leather, some that aren't and I don't care either way as long as they're cute. Look for slimming details -- a streamlined cut and scuba -- or moto -- collar is super flattering. I love these with jeans and heels for date night too. Ca-yoot!

Belted pea coat / Pea coat / Precis Petite pea coat, $205 / Fur coat / Black swing coat, $48

If you want something warm but you don't want to look like you live in an igloo, you must own a pea coat. They NEVER go out of style and they're my fave with flats and jeans. So classic. My parents bought me my first pea coat for Christmas when I was17 and I still have it -- how's that for longevity. I have since bought a couple more, my fave being a bright red one. They're super warm and I wear them with everything.

Full Tilt / Red coat / Double breasted coat / Long trench coat / Leopard coat

Finally, if you're looking for something lighter and more formal, have a trench on hand. It's not exactly toasty, but it'll keep you dry on drippy, warmish days. Ew, drippy and warmish should never be used in a sentence together ever again. Sorry about that. REGARDLESS. I wear my trenches when I'm in skirts and dresses. There's just something about a trench with heels and usually when I'm dressed up, I'm only outside for two seconds anyway.

My advice would be to grab a range of jackets for the winter. You should have a wardrobe of different jackets on hand. I even have a super puffy ski jacket that I wear for snowmobiling. It's pink. It matches my pink helmet. Very important detail. If you don't have the budget for a closet full of coats, I would recommend you go with a pea coat for your all-around jacket, since it goes with both casual and dressy clothes. Then you can build out from there.

OK, all this talk about coats is making me wish for snow... um, anytime now, 55-degree Utah weather...

What I Wore: Farewell to my Peeps

Blaaaaaaah this day! I went to bed last night with an actual game plan and to-do list for getting back on track after the holidays. Umm guess what didn't happen. Instead, my neighbor's dog barked for like, three straight hours and then my son was up at 6 am. THEN! I got started on my work and my hubs woke up with stomach pains so I took him to the doc (he's fine but on good drugs yay!) So I'm just sitting down to take care of business and writing a blog post was at the top of the list. I obey the list.

How was everyone's holiday? Did you go shopping? Please tell me you went, just not on Thanksgiving. There's something ungodly about spending Thanksgiving fighting with strangers for legos, amiright? I did go out way early on Friday and then again on Saturday and I feel pretty dark good about my scores. My favorites might have been two things for me -- a new winter jacket and boots for waaaay cheap. I'll show you them another day. Don't worry, I shopped for my kids too. I'm heading up to the Great White North next week (is it me or does it seems like I'm NEVER home lately?) and still have to shop for my mumsy and whatnot. But still. Making headway here.

Another thing I bought for myself? This awesome-sauce leopard print sweater. I swear, there is something wrong with me. I won't say no to leopard. EVER. 

 Sweater: F21
Skirt: modbod
Shoes: Nine West
Bracelet: Heirloom 

Earrings: F21

It was super warm here yesterday so I took it as a chance to wear peeptoes for the last time before the snow hits. Farewell, peeptoes. Thank you for forcing me to repaint my toenails every once in a while. 

Also, yes, my Christmas stuff is up. I love. 

Oh accessories, I love you. Go figure that my one pair of shoes in oxblood -- the fall color de jour -- are being put away for the winter. I'm so not stylish. Don't listen to anything I say.


Alright, I have a list a mile long to get to so I'd better seize the day and actually do something. Some housekeeping notes: Keep an eye out for the Fossil winner. Fossil is choosing from the links provided and they'll let me know when someone has been selected. Also, check back on Wednesday for a primer on winter jacket selection oh I know you're excited.