Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest - 2012 Edition!

Yayyy it's finally here! Can I just confess to you that this is about the only part of Halloween that I like? I was just telling my husband that I feel like Halloween is too much work without enough payoff. I don't even have a sweet tooth, so bringing my kids trick or treating after wrestling them into their costumes for candy does nothing for me. NOTHING. Being a parent leaves no room for selfishness. I find that lame.

But, I do love making fun of trashy costumes. Because they gross me out. Last year I was accused of "slut-shaming" with my posts. Yes. That's what I'm saying. It is shameful. Hey, if you want to dress sexy, be my guest. Just don't put ears on it and tell everyone you're a horse.

So far, this has been my favorite sentiment, shared by Seth MacFarlane (who I find inexplicably attractive) over on Twitter.

(Halloween is a great time of the year to see some spooooooooky prostitutes.)

 Quite.

And, apparently my readers agree with me, because my inbox was flooded with submissions. If you don't see yours here it was either a) too offensive to put on a website that my mom reads or b) someone else sent me the same costume and beat you to the punch. The deal is that you'll vote for the costume you find the most trashtastic and on Friday at 12 a.m., the winner nabs a $25 Target gift card to spend on anything but sexy costumes. Deal? Let's do it! Also, click the pictures for links if you really want to purchase the costume. Also, unfollow my blog while you're at it because we're not friends.

 Lindsay sent me Sexy Dobby the House Elf. 1) This costume is terrible and just looks like a messy pig. 2) Is nothing sacred anymore? It's a HOUSE ELF. Put some pants on.

Brooke sent me this socket and plug set which might be the least sexy thing I've ever seen. Also, very subtle.

 Sara sent me this sexy tarantula, which is the latest in no-pants/big furry boot combos, which apparently can be applied to any costume ever in the history of mankind. Also, do tarantulas have horns? Because if they do, it makes them roughly 60 percent more terrifying. Although I feel like this isn't exactly Animal Planet accurate.

 Amy sent what might be my favorite costume of the year. A sexy care bear... except it's called a Dare Bear. Get it? Because she's not wearing clothes or resembling a bear in any way? Also, on what planet does dressing up as a bear involve gluing tiny bears to your legs? That seems cruel.

Brooke: Sexy ketchup bottle. Tastes great on fries and smells just like desperation.

Janelle sent my my favorite example of guys on Halloween versus women on Halloween. He's a body bag. She's apparently a body bag as well. I'll take this moment to remind you that a) this could not be more sexist and b) sexual attraction to dead people is called necrophilia. Just a thought.

(Janelle is also our reigning champ from last year. You go Janelle!) 

Michelle sent me this sexy Octomom. I promise you that after 14 kids, her body looks nothing like this. Also, I like how this costume is essentially gogo boots and booty shorts with a pocketful of babies. F for effort, guys.

 Sheriece sent me this sexy straightjacket, hysterically called Anita Sedative. If there are any guys reading this, can I tell you a secret? Girls who dress like hookers on Halloween are CRAZY. Like, stage-five-clinger burn-your-house-down and tattoo-your-name-on-her-chest crazy. Even if they're not wearing a straightjacket. Just remember my warning when you hook up with a hot cop at a party only to find that she's bought you a cat and friended your mom on Facebook by morning, k?

 Maggie sent me a sexy dog costume, which makes me LOL like it's my job. Bahahaha this dog has boobs and I love it. Don't be ashamed of your skankiness, dog. If you got it, flaunt it. You win at life.

 "H" submitted this sexy Tigger because Halloween costume manufacturers are slowly trying to ruin my childhood, one character at a time.

 Lindsay: See!? They're going after Alvin next. Although, I don't really remember Alvin wearing red heels. It sounds like he's a little confused and needs to go to Europe to find himself for a year or two.

 Maggie sent me this, which I think might be the laziest costume we've ever had on the site. LADIES LISTEN UP. If you're going to dress like an attention whore on Halloween, remember that a graphic bikini top doesn't make you Pac-Man. Also, no one wants to see you lift up your skirt all. night. long.

 Janelle sent me sexy Joan of Arc, which by the way is incredibly accurate. I mean, I'm no history major, but I'm fairly sure they had stripper heels in the 1400s. After all, it's the oldest profession, right?

I also wanted to ask historically accurate Joan what she thought of it:

 

Woah Joan, don't be such a killjoy.

 

Emily sent me a whole collection of football cheerleaders dressed up for the occasion. This was my favorite, only because if you wore this on a real horse, you'd get thigh rash. THIGH RASH. Not so sexy, is it? 

Lela sent me this sexy trout. Wait. Is THIS why my husband likes fishing so much?

Also, enjoy the subtlety of her fishnet tights. ENJOY IT.


Oh, I love it all. Thanks to all who submitted!! Remember to comment with your fave submitter's name and the costume, like so:
Jae - Sexy inanimate object that should never be considered sexy.

And, as you head out to today's festivities, remember that I'd like to preserve my childhood memories without platform heels and hotpants kthanks.

Freaky Friday: Halloween Edition 2011

It's that time again! I know you've been waiting for it! Time to scour the Web to find the sketchiest sexy costumes EVER. This is probably my favorite HNTDLAM feature. Because nothing says "I have low self esteem" like fishnets on Halloween.





"Sexy Anorexia": Maggie

We should probably just start with a bang and do the most offensive first. This is "Sexy Anorexia." She likes long walks on the beach, obsessively counting calories and apparently, measuring her waist.

Like... really? I don't believe in the human race anymore.



"Sexy Hotdog": Rachelle
My sister-in-law texted my about this late last night, so I'm giving her credit as a last minute submission. Because I could not pass up the opportunity to post a sexy hotdog.
"Amber D'Alessio made out with a hot dog? OMG THAT WAS ONE TIME!"
Name that movie!!
But seriously. This gives the term "street meat" new meaning, amiright?
"Sexy Sea Turtle": Lindsay
This has got to be one of my favorite in the "make cute animals pornographic" category. I would actually like to know how this is a turtle in any way. They have flippers, not Madonna Half Gloves.


"Sexy Shark" - Angela
On the Yandy website they called this a "Man Eater" HAHAHAHA kill me. I really love how the bottom of the skirt is all jagged and ripped... because.... the shark was eating herself?


"Sexy Unicorn": Lindsay

Lindsay also sent over this total stretch of a costume, the sexy unicorn. Most of the costumes at that site are lingerie or tiny dresses with huge boots. Can we just do that instead?
"What are you going to be for Halloween?"
"Oh, a dirty whore with fuzzy boots."



"Sexy Lloyd and Harry" - Nicole

Yeah, you read this right. These girls managed to defile all that is holy in the world and make "Dumb and Dumber" into sexy Halloween costumes. See, you know they're sexy because they're the loosest interpretation ever paired with tights and underpants. STOP IT. Don't you ruin Lloyd Christmas for me!


"Sexy Hamster": Valeria
Rodents. So hot right now. Also, please note this is the rodent from the Kia commercial, like that makes dressing like what is essentially a sexy rat any better.

Again with the furry boots!


"Sexy House": Janelle

Janelle sent me a whole collection of bad costumes, but this was my favorite BY FAR. Let's guess what pickup lines this girl will get when she goes to her trashtastic Halloween party.
-Can I peek through your windows?
-Nice cat (prepubescent man giggles ensue)
-How much to rent?



"Sexy Hulk Hogan.... or Ronald McDonald, I can't decide.": Carrie
What says sexy more than a mustachioed lady in latex? I dare you to come up with something sexier.


"Sexy Pikachus" 1: Ashley 2: Megan
It's clash of the low self esteem teens! When I first conjured this contest, I jokingly asked all of you to go find a sexy Pikachu costume, because at the time, it was the most ridiculous costume i could think of. Then two readers sent me some and I stood corrected. The best part is that in both costumes, the only thing that resembles an animated space hamster are the ears. Pretty sure there was not 6" heels in Pokemon.


"Sexy CSI": Nicole
She's here to collect some samples.

EWW. Did I just say that?






"Sexy Etch a Sketch": Danielle
This was my favorite submissing that Danielle sent me. I will never look at my kids' Etch a Sketch the same. Sketchy Sally, indeed.

I am convinced you could make literally any object into a sexy costumes. Sexy lamp? Sexy scissors? Sexy garbage can? All totally plausible.


"Sexy Optimus Prime": Natalie

My favorite part about this costume was BY FAR the reviews it got. One enthusiastically proclaimed "It didn't rip when I sat down!" Dream big, skanky Halloween girl. You keep those standards high.

Alright, that's the group. Remember... post the title or the name of the submitter to cast your vote. Let's see which is the worst of the worst.... of the WORST.

Also, stay tuned for What I Wore on Monday, when you'll get to see my (non-slutty) Halloween costume! It's gonna be epic.

Vote away!

Freaky Friday: Annual Trashy Costumes Edition 2010

Ahhh I am so very excited to share with you my top picks for the trashiest Halloween costumes. Especially since finding them was like shooting a fish in a barrel. Entire online stores are devoted to making you look like a Playmate for Halloween, it's amazing to me! Let's check out my faves and a bunch from Yandy.com this year!


SEE!? It's a sexy football player because it says "Sexy" on it AND the number 69. SEXY! Aaaaaand the award for subtlety goes to....



Why do trashy Halloween costumes think that by wearing a short skirt and stripper heels, it's OK to ruin your child's favorite character? Nemo? Sure! Spongebob? Yes, please! Big Bird? Where's Katy Perry!?


A-ha. The trashy gumball machine. Please note that the gumballs are dispensed from her bajingo, which I think is a special and demure touch.


This gets the award for laziest costume EVER. I enlarged it so you can see. She's a remote control. My favorite part is the "Mute" button. Does that mean she'll stop talking if I touch her boob?


Sexy Phantom of the Opera...

Wait a minute, who's that?


Uh, look trashy girl, that's cool and Imma let you finish, but Gerard Butler had one of the best phantom costumes of all time. ALL. TIME.


Thanks Yeezy.


Well that was rude.



Ah yeah, there's definitely some busting going on around here.


Don't you ruin my favorite childhood characters like that, trashy girl! Don't you put that evil on me!!


Easily my favorite. I saw this and immediately thought of Mean Girls.
"What are you?"
"I'm a MOUSE. D'uh."

By the way... I think she's supposed to be a bumblebee.

Wasn't that fun!? Have you guys seen any particularly heinous and skanktastic costumes this year? I can't wait!

Freaky Friday: Halloween Edition 2009

So, I was recently discussing with some friends why women assume it's okay to dress like a dirtywhoreskank on Halloween. I am terrified for my daughter to become a teenager, asking me if she can dress up as a sexy taxi driver or something for All Hallow's Eve. So, in celebration of the trashtasticness that is Halloween, I give you sexy costumes that should not be sexy at all, many of them found at Yandy.com.


K, lets be honest here. This "Sexy Eskimo" costume is basically a glorified hoodie without pants. Save yourself $50 and just wear your hubby's school sweater. PS in Canada, "eskimo" is a fairly derogatory term. Just sayin.



Ooh! A sexy chef! Because when I think of a good filet mignon, I also think of short skirts and boobs. Fantastique!



This one was listed as a sexy nutcracker. Why yes, she does look like she cracks.... nuts....



Sexy Spongebob makes baby Jesus cry.



I was actually joking about the sexy taxi driver, but then I actually found one. Where I'm from, all of the taxi drivers are bald, wear denim shirts and smell slightly of tobacco and curry. So no, I have never met one of these sexy taxi drivers.



This one made me laugh the hardest. It was labeled as a "Sexy RED BULL Drinker" Like OH MY GOSH. If you want to show up to a party wearing your lingerie, just do it. Stop trying to make it into a costume. Show up naked for all I care. Then call yourself a sexy doctor. Because that's about how relevant this costume is.


A sexy skeleton. Clearly just an excuse to show off that hot PELVIC BONE!!!



So THIS is why Eve got kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Prostitution.



Let's alienate some more cultures by making them into sex kitten-ish Halloween costumes. You don't mind that, Native Americans, do you?



Sexy Nemo. NEMO. Because when I think of sex, I think of adolescent clown fish? WHERE AM I???

Now that I officially hate the holiday, I'm going to get into my stressed out mom costume and take my kids trick or treating.



This is my stressed out mom costume.

You like?

What I Wore: The Mr.

Alright guys, this week is going to pretty post-heavy, so I hope you're ready for alllll this jelly comin' atcha. (Kill me for typing that) Between Halloween and my own costume and WHY does every child's class need you to bring in treats, I'm running crazy this week. But I definitely won't miss out on our costume contest. I'm just putting the final touches on my own costume. Are you excited? YOU SHOULD BE.

But for now, let's get an outfit post out of the way. I'm dedicating this one to my husband. That's because if you ask him what his favorite color is, he'll say "neutral." And he's not being facetious. In fact, his favorite color combination of life is black and tan -- the color of our boat. So basically what I'm saying is that when I wear black and tan he finds me as attractive as our boat, which means he finds me very attractive.

 Anyway, poor Justin is constantly stuck behind the camera, so he's getting kudos today because I wore his favorite colors and he put up with my major meltdown when I couldn't find the camera. I swear, my camera has legs and delights in scurrying around to different locations at precisely the moment I'm late and need it.

 

Top: Gap

Skirt: Urban Wear
Shoes: Steve Madden
Belt: asos
Bracelet: Inspired Silver
Necklace: local craft fair
Cami/slip: Kingdom and State (K&S sent me an amazing slip that is super silky and actually stayed put all day. I am a huuuge fan! Check out their brand-new line.)

He also had to put up with me saying things like "Do my shoes look blue enough in this light??" 

 

 "NOW do they look blue?"

After all, this outfit is a lot like me and my husband. Pretty neutral, but with a teensy bit of crazy -- that's me! 

 

So a big thanks to The Mr., who patiently takes pictures and deals with my intense camera-related mood swings.  He's the best.

There he is! xoxoxo.

Alright, party people. Get ready for some major postage this week and I don't mean the kind that costs $0.45. Oh I am so funny.

Tutorial: How to Fake a Blowout

So I was thinking that it might be fun to show you how I do my hair when I don't have the time to actually blowout my hair, which is basically an everyday occurrence.You can do this trick with just straight blowdried (but not styled) hair, but I like to do it with air dried hair because I'm super lazy.

If you're my friend in real life, I'm embarrassed that you'll finally see how I'm able to get ready in like five minutes. I wish I could keep up the facade that it actually took five years to do my hair but I'm tired of living a lieeeeeeeeeee.


Wanna before and after? Here it is: Boom.The first pic is air dried and the second is after doing my neato fake trick. Hooray for fakeness!

And now, here's the vid on how to score super smooth, blowdried hair without actually using a hairdryer. If it seems like I just cut off randomly at the end, it's because I literally just forgot what I was saying in midsentence and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. I should have left it because you could see how terrible I am at this. Ah well. It does the job. Enjoy!

What I Wore: Chopped!

So I went and had four or five inches of hair hacked off on Friday and I could not be more happy. I had family pictures on Saturday and it was a little nerve-wracking to do it just before being immortalized with pricey pics, but I'm glad I did in the end. My poor hair is so processed that taking off the bottom makes it look so much healthier. I also feel like it makes me look younger, which is great because I already look like a teen mom half of the time.

Anyway, wanna see?

Whee! I asked for it to just barely hit my collarbone and I heart it muchly. What's more, it's shaved like 6 hours off of my hairdrying time. Always a good thing.

I also love how when you get a haircut, all of your clothes and jewelry look new.

 

White top: Charlotte Russe

Cardi: c/o mod bod

Skinnies: Ardene (Canada)

Shoes: Nine West

Ring and earrings: F21

I try to work these pants into every outfit ever and I'm sure it's getting obnoxious but I don't care. Also, can I just say how much fun it is to wear heels for no reason on a weekday? Try it! 

 

See how much healthier my poor mistreated hair looks? I told my mom that I felt like shorter hair made me look smarter and she said that would only be true if I wore my crazy-huge bifocals that I had to wear when I was five.  They were purple and magnified my eyes to roughly 2,000x their natural size. The only way my parents could get me to wear them was to tell me that they made me smarter. 

I don't think it worked. I totally peaked at age 12, but I've worn glasses my entire life.

  

Ooh, now I need to try new hair with glasses. People might think I'm a genius though, and that could get awkward. I can't even remember how to add fractions. Maybe I should get my purple bifocals out?