Fall Boot Eye Candy and the Time I Rolled My Eyes So Hard My Contact Fell Out

So the other day I was on a mission: find a new pair of boots. Do I already have a large collection of boots? Yes. But I was looking for a specific kind of boot -- a mid-length black boot with grungy details and a wide mouth. I've been wearing a lot of military-type outfits and my brown midi boots didn't always cut it.

Anyway, as a last-ditch effort I popped into the Payless in our teensy town and started browsing. Cue the always-intense Payless shoe salesgirl who popped over to tell me all about the fall sale. "It's a really big deal," she said. Great. I love a sale. She asked if I was looking for anything in particular and I lied and said no, but I'd let her know if I needed help.

She then proceeded to point out which shoes were "really fashionable this season." I wandered away and then proceeded to roll my eyes so hard that my contact bubbled and I had to poke it back in. That's a serious eye-roll, folks.

That got rid of her for about two seconds. She came back to show me a line of comfort 1" heels. Like, I don't know how to say this -- but I don't feel I look like the kind of girl who wears "comfort" shoes. But I nodded and make affirmative noises to make her feel good and she went to another aisle for a while.

While she was gone, I miraculously found the exact boot I'd been looking for and tried them on. They fit and I picked them up to check out. She came back. THIS time she wanted to show me a pair of leopard-print wedges. I'm guessing because I was wearing leopard flats? I was clearly standing there with a box with boots, but I then felt pressured to try on the wedges (they were horrendous).

Finally, another customer came in and I had five seconds to breathe. Of course, then I had to check out and explain to her that I ONLY wanted the boots and no I did not want to buy leopard wedges while she looked personally offended. It was awful. I left there feeling emotionally drained, all for these. On the bright side, they're exactly what I wanted -- mid-calf, wide top and a little slouch. On the down side, I'm terrified of ever going into that store again.

Anyway, to stop you from experiencing shoe salesperson guilt trips, I've rounded up some of my fave fall boots for you.

I'm all about comfort this year, so most are flat or have a small heel at best. Heeled boots have their place, but that is not at the pumpkin patch, amiright? I also like a little interest in the form of buckles and straps, along with a nice, wide top that you can stuff your jeans into.

I know heeled booties are also back for fall, but I'm just not a bootie kinda gal. I have a big butt and a sleek little bootie heel makes me look like a watermelon walking around on toothpicks. I don't begrudge others for wearing them, they just aren't for yours truly.

So check out my picks for mid and knee-length boots and may your shopping experience be much less eye-rolling than mine.

What kind of boot are you looking for this fall? Tell me so I can copy you and make my husband mad when I ask for more shoe storage yaaaay.

Rocket Dog boots / Rocket Dog wrap boots / Olsenboye ankle booties / Tan wedge shoes, $41 / Low-heel boots / Forever 21 ankle booties / Ankle booties

 

 Mossimo brown buckle boots / Charlotte Russe studded knee high boots / Buckle riding boots / Jessica Simpson high heel cowgirl boots / Not Rated boots / Double buckle boots / Forever 21 knee high platform boots

What I Wore: Under Control

My 4-year-old is probably what psycho-babble parenting experts call "high spirited." He has a ton of energy and typically enjoys pushing my buttons. Yesterday was one of those days that I may have contemplating selling him on the black market.

We were in church and it was supposed to be quiet and he did everything in his power to make noise. He started clapping the sides of a hymn book together and when I took it away he started clapping his hands while staring at me defiantly. He then found a truck in my purse and proceeded to shoot it 20 feet across the floor and into wall. After that, he fake yawned for five minutes and then break danced on the floor for a while. He finally celebrated the end of his debauchery by falling asleep on my husband's shoulder.

I was so exhausted that I was ready to throw in the towel, go home and watch a Four Weddings marathon. Buuuut I had blow dried my hair and was wearing a skirt and it seemed like a waste. I could at least look like I was in control, even if my child completely owns me. 

I mean, after all, this woman looks like she has control of her child, right?

Top: Local boutique (want!) (plus size) (this with a pencil skirt? I die.)

Blazer: Bluenotes - Canada (cheap!) (so cute)

Skirt: modbod 

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (love these) (similar)

Earrings: I'm pretty sure I bought them at a Marshall's and don't know the brand. But these are close.

Charm watch: (similar)

I'm of the "fake it till you make it" variety. It's also how I help my kid look like he's a nice, normal boy when he might actually be the devil.

And don't worry about me saying that my child is the devil on the Internet. I tell him to his face as well so all bases are covered. 

 Yup... I have this kid under control. For the five seconds it took to take this picture.

Freaky Friday: Crimes Against Cleavage

 I'm actually kind of glad that Boob Week is over. I've looked for so many boob-related pictures that I'm probably going to be flagged as a sex offender by the government. It's all for you, guys!

Of course, I couldn't close out the week without some serious boob offenses -- crimes against cleavage, if you will. Luckily, some of your favorite celebs are on hand to show you what NOT to do with your lovely lady lumps.

 Don't go unsupported, ESPECIALLY in this form-fitting of a skirt and ESPECIALLY if you're at the Oscars. Your boobs should never look this depressed.

 Now, I love me some Joan, but even if you have this much of a heaving pirate fantasy bosom, you don't need to push them up so high. You need to breathe.

I literally NEVER want to see the underside of anyone's boob. Ever. 

 That goes for you too, Kate Upton. You have a killer bod, but I see this picture and all I can think is "I bet her back was sore by the end of the night."

 Don't do this flat pancake thing either. It looks like it hurts. And also makes me want pancakes.

 Sometimes I feel like I do when I have to yell something obvious and weird at my kids, like "NO You can not dip your sister's Barbie in the toilet!" I feel like I shouldn't have to say "No you should not dress your boobs up as mouse ears in the world's most unflattering costume," but alas.

And while you should be OK with smallish boobs, let's not pretend they're completely nonexistent. Especially if you're going to WIN that night and immortalize your lack of a chest for.ev.er.


And so our week comes to a close. Verdict? Do we want more themed weeks, like shoe week, work week or "I obviously have a deep seated hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow" week? Let me know. Otherwise, I hope you have a happygoodboob kind of weekend.

Boob Week: Adventures in Bra Shopping

Fun fact: I had more hits on small boob day than on big boob day. Does that mean that most of my readers have small boobs? Questions of the universe...

Anyway, this post isn't about bra advice, because I've already done that here. It's more about the surviving of the actual bra shopping. I am pretty picky with bras because hello, you wear them every day. I'm also picky because I HATE bra shopping. I feel so inept and dumb and frumpy when compared to the sleek girls who always work a lingerie shops and always know way more than me. I've gotten more comfortable over the years, but I still totally procrastinate getting a new bra. Here are some things that make it less vomit-inducing for yours truly.

• Wear a bra. Just do it. When you don't, you make Tina Fey uncomfortable.
• Dress appropriately, especially if you'll be getting measured. You'll be measured over your bra and if you're wearing a huge padded bra, your measurements are going to be skewed. I suggest wearing a thin T-shirt bra. If you're nervous about disrobing in front of a complete stranger, you have two options. 1) Wear a thin T-shirt over your bra and ask the lady to measure over top or 2) Measure yourself at home. Here's how. 
• Measure often. I would say every 6 to 12 months. Your boob size totally fluctuates with weight, skin sag (that's gross to say), pregnancy and age. You are not the same size you were in high school so stop buying your bras that way. 
• Go alone. Bra shopping is not when you want to be wrangling kids in the fitting room or locating your son as he feels up a mannequin (I have a brother who did this as a kid). You'll need some time, so pawn the kids off on your husband. 
• If you have less boobage, you don't have to be as choosy as to where you buy your bra. Most lingerie and department stores will have your size. If you have larger boobs, I would say to head to a department store where there are more than just one brand of bra. That way, you can try on a variety and choose one that fits you rather than being stuck with just one brand and fit. 
• Do the test. When you're trying on a bra, lean forward and see how it looks. If your boobs are totally spilling over like a 1890s barmaid, you may need to go up a side. If your boobs aren't filling the cup at all, you may need to go down a size.You want a nice cleavage bump and that's it.
• Put a shirt on over top of the bra when trying on. You should check to see if any of the bra parts - ie, lace - are visible through the shirt. 
• Buy different bras for different purposes. I have everyday molded bras, going out pushup bras, convertible bras and T-shirt bras. One bra might not cut it for all of the different clothes you wear. 
• Don't over-buy your bra. If you have small boobs, you don't need all the bells and whistles of someone who needs more support. In fact, I am constantly taking underwires out of bras and swimsuits because I don't need 'em. If a salesgirl tries to sell you on breathable mesh and spaceage design, give her the stinkeye and ask for something more basic. 
• Be prepared to shell out. Bras are expensive and it's a bummer, but you're going to be wearing it A LOT. Budget for it. Especially if your bras are typically hard to fit.
• Check your back. A good bra band should be tight enough that it supports you and wide enough so that you don't get back fat. If your back looks kind of sausage-y, you need yo go up in band size. It should feel smooth and supportive. 
• Move around. I've found many a slippy shoulder strap by rolling my shoulders and moving around in a bra to see if I can detect any problems before I buy.
• Stop worrying about your boobs in general. I get it. The bra fitting room is weird. You're forced to look at yourself in harsh lighting and you're intimidated by the lady who keeps flinging other bras over the top of the door at you. But big boobs, small boobs, lopsided boobs, ski-slope boobs -- the point of a good bra is to make them look their best.
• Know that this is not normal. Not only do normal people not look like this when trying on bras, but I have never once just casually hung out with my friends in our bras and undies while taking seductive pictures. Don't compare yourself to the images in the store and feel frustrated when a bra doesn't magically give you huge boobs, better abs and equally hot friends.

 When I was like, 13, I was sitting in my room listening to music when my mom flung a padded bra at me and closed the door and I realized that she was trying to tell me something THANKS MOM. Hopefully your first bra experience was better than mine. And hopefully your next bra experience is less traumatizing. I just bought some, so I'm pretty much golden until like, 2015.

Boob Week: For Big-Chested Girls

OK, those of the big boob variety -- it's your time to shine. I know it kind of seems like  a history professor teaching a science class because I haven't been as blessed as you, but I did get to experience the glory of big boobs with my pregnancies and nursing. And boy was it fun. PS my friends and I just saw Austenland yesterday and now I have a burning desire to use the word "bosom" throughout this post.

But I digress.

But still, here's why it's awesome to have a big bosom tee hee:
1. You have big boobs.
2. No one ever wonders if you're a guy or a girl, even if you have an androgynous name like Alex. I had a waiter like that once.
3. You always have a place to rest snacks.
4. Joan from Mad Men. I girl crush on her so hard.

I totally get where big boobs can be annoying. You end up with guys constantly looking down your shirt when all you really want is a good back massage because those suckers HURT. For me, dressing big knockers isn't about shamefully hiding them, but dressing so that a) people look at your face (I'm not even gonna lie, when boobs are out I don't know where to look) and b) you create the best shape possible for your bod. 

Here's some tips.

• Define. A. Waist. Big boobs can make you look heavier than you really are when you wear baggy clothes. Shirts that have bubble hems, square hems and the like probably aren't for you. You need more structure so use a belt or buy tops with distinct parts for the bodice and bottom.
• Accessorize with skinnier scarves. I have a friend with waaay more boobage than me (Hi, T!) and she was complaining that big scarves like I wear make her feel like there is A LOT of volume. A skinny scarf will allow you to accessorize without feeling like you're suffocating to death. 
• When choosing necklines, your best bet are scoop and v-necks. They'll help to define your shape and slim you out a bit. Steer clear of sweetheart necklines unless you're Dolly Parton. And definitely avoid anything with a high neck. I'm looking at you, big-boobs in a turtleneck.
• Watch out for skinny straps. Now listen, I don't really like tank tops on anyone over the age of 17. And the skinnier the strap, the bigger EVERYTHING else looks. If you must wear a strap (and seriously, I think there are a bazillion other sleeve lengths more flattering ) look for something that is thicker. It'll give you more support and not show off this huge expanse of skin.
• Go for tailored styles whenever possible. A blazer? Perfect because it gives you a more defined shape. Even if you like  a more boho look, layering a more structured cardi over a loosey goosey shirt will help counteract the unstructured style.
• Make friends with a tailor. I don't have big boobs, but I do have hips that are much larger than my waist. Buying pants a size up and tailoring them back is the only way to get the right fit. With you, it'll be tops -- structured blazers and tailored shirts may need to be purchased a size bigger. For $15 you can have some darts put in so it fits perfectly. 
• Skip anything described as "chunky." Like necklaces and sweaters. They'll only emphasize size.
• Look for tops and dresses with stretch. Stiff fabrics create serious uniboob. 

More inspiration pour vous. 

Jane Norman top, $35 / Mango shirt / Linea elbow sleeve top, $24 / Merona cardigan / Wallis top / Open front cardigan / Boyfriend jacket / Xhilaration Juniors Cinch Waist Sheer Top Assorted Colors

Look: Your boobs are hard on your back, but they are glorious to behold. Dress 'em so that you completely use them at their fullest advantage without like, scarring a small child for life.

Next up, it's all about bras. Check back for some bra shopping tips and that time a girl awkwardly gave me a coupon for free undies in a Victoria's Secret.

Boob Week: Small-Chested Girls

As promised, it's Boob Week here at How Not to Dress Like a Mom, which means we're going to be talking about workin' with what you've got, making your girls look amazing and saying the word "boob" a lot. Sorry, I just can bring myself to say "breast" without trilling the 'r'. Brrrrrreast!

Anyway, we're going to kick things off by talking about little boobs. Yes, I'm talking to you, A and B cups. I am right there with you.

Here's why it's awesome to have small boobs:
1. Clothes fit well.
2. You can wear button-ups without your bra peeking out to say hello.
3. They don't punch you in the face while you run.
4. You can buy cheap bras and it's OK.
5. Buying swimsuits to fit your ladies is easy.

Let's just get one thing straight. While I might suggest ways to flatter small boobs, I think it's important that there is NOTHING wrong with them. You do not need to be Kate Upton to feel feminine and awesome, b'okay? I actually think that having a smaller chest is nice because it's kind of a blank canvas. I can get away with dressing really girly or dressing more androgynous-like. So, these are suggestions for creating a more balanced silhouette, but let's not down-talk the boobs. Ask your husband. He thinks they're great.

Tips for dressing small boobs:

• Look for volume around the chest. I love swimsuits that have frills and gathering around the chest because it makes the ladies a little more shapely. The same goes for shirts -- gathers, embellishment and draping are all your friends. 
• Trick the eye into thinking you have a girlier figure by nipping in at the waist. Peplum tops are great for this, as are wrap tops (I LOVE wrap tops) 
• When wearing dresses, look for frills, pleating and other interesting details. A straight sheath will do you no favors. 
• Belt stuff! It'll define a waist and give you more of an hourglass shape. 
• Patterns are awesome for you. Even horizontal stripes, you lucky dog.
• Take some risks. Because you have small boobs, you can get away with unbuttoning your skirt, wearing a keyhole top or going for a deeper-v because your cleavage won't cause old ladies to tug at their pearls and say "Well I never!"
• Sweetheart necklines are ah-mazing for small boobs. See also: Why I immediately buy anything with a sweetheart neckline. 
• Layer up! Because you're more -- uh, streamlined -- in the torso, you can wear drapey cardigans and jackets and scarves and add a ton of interest to your outfit without any bulk. 
• Chunky necklaces - yes. 

Need some ideas? OK! For more inspiration, you can look at literally any of my outfit pictures because we are kindred spirits.

Dorothy Perkins collarless shirt / Merona layered cardigan / Minuet Petite bright blue shirt, $31 / Dorothy Perkins cap sleeve shirt / H&M shirt, $24 / Fenn Wright Manson top, $40 / Shirts blouse
 

Count yourselves lucky, small-boobed ladies. You get to try a lot of new trends and don't wear a v-neck and feel indecent. It's awesome.

Big boobed ladies? You're up next! Check back tomorrow.

What I Wore: Shopaholic

Last week, my husband casually made the comment that I hadn't gone shopping in a while. And I really hadn't. Aside from a few purchases here and there, I tend to spend less in the summer because you can only buy x amount of T-shirts before you're sick of everything in the store, amiright? But for some reason, his comment awoke a sleeping beast inside of me. It was old Jae, saying "He's right – you haven't been shopping in a while. He is telling you to go shopping. You should go. Right now."

I'm not even gonna lie – I literally spent the last three days on a hardcore shopping bender and I took prisoners. I dragged my family from store to store on Friday and Saturday and then shopped online Saturday night. In total, my purchases included (but are not limited to):

A cocktail dress (yeah WTH)
A pair of moccasins (My old ones were trashed – like, literally in a garbage can – in Hawaii so I needed them)
Like, 3 chiffon shirts. One of which was leopard (kind of like this one) because I am nothing if not completely predictable.
A pair of olive skinny cargo pants
A graphic tee that I wore with linen pants to the dollar theater on Saturday night like a shlub.
Basically anything I saw that had a leather accent, including a scuba-style top and a cardigan.
Tortoiseshell glasses. Like, to see with. My old glasses were scratched and I can't travel with just contacts, right? RIGHT!?
A boss chambray shirt with a U.S. flag design which I shall wear ironically because I'm not American.
2 tank tops.
2 bras (because you really needed to know)
(I almost bought another jacket, but my husband finally but  the kibosh on it and dragged me out of the store. I have two jackets with the tags still on at home, so I guess he was justified).

And lest you think that I'm a selfish sonofagun, I shopped for my family too. Like, I was in the zone, guys.

This morning I woke up and have had to deal with the damage ie: checking my bank account balance, cleaning up various price tags scattered around the house. But you'll also get to see new outfits! So um, yay for you! Because that's who I did it for.

Also, if I try to go shopping before like, Black Friday, feel free punch me directly in the face. 

On to the outfit!

Remember my rule? If I can't think up three outfits to make with a piece on the spot, I don't buy something. And for full disclosure here, I haaaated this shirt when I first saw it. The pattern was very Bill Cosby / that guy from Reading Rainbow on the hanger. But I gave it a chance and it's turned out to be super cute and versatile one.

So there's another gem for you – try stuff on, people!

Top: Local boutique (aztec design) (love this color) (similar)

Jeans: Abercrombie and Fitch 'Emma' (really old)

Boots: Frye (here) (cheaper)

Wrap watch: Local craft fair (similar) (obsessed)

Pinky rings: F21 (here) (love these too)

Yup, it's finally boot season around here, so get ready to see them A LOT. Anyway, I'm super excited to show you guys the rest of my haul in the next few weeks.

Also, stay tuned for the next couple of days, because as promised, it's BOOB WEEK! Small boobs, big boobs, bras – we got 'em all. So hitch up your girls and check back tomorrow. 

And I promise I will not shop between now and then.