10 Things I Learned From Losing 20 Pounds

Okay, so as promised, here's my little spiel about losing weight last year. Bear with me, these thoughts have been floating around in my head all week so they might be a little disorganized. Therefore, I think a list is best to get organized and hopefully offer a few average-girl tips from what I've learned.

Last February was BANANAS. Between my kids' birthdays, our Disneyland trip, family coming to visit, and a baptism, I got a little lax on my eating habits. And by that, I mean I ate like two teenage boys instead of one out of pure convenience sake. And I didn't really think much of it, because sometimes you just eat a lot, right?

But when I had an OB/GYN appointment in March, I was totally shocked when I hopped on the scale and realized that I had seriously put on more than just a few pounds. And then, I saw a few pictures of myself from February and wasn't super happy with what I saw. The thing about being generally good at dressing yourself is the fact that you're really good at wearing stuff that flatters, so it kind of sneaked up on me.

But that's the thing, right? I wasn't super overweight and I've always been good about working out, but honestly, I simply didn't like where I was headed. That's the real reason I decided to start poking around the world of nutrition and fitness. Because I wanted to do better and I knew I could, simple as that.

So, here's some of the coolest/most important/most helpful stuff I learned along the way. I'm not a fitness guru: There are enough of those on Instagram. But I do think as a working mom of two with a mild interest in fitness, I have a unique perspective on this.

So, let's go and fitness motivation and such!

1. Being Fit is Empowering to Me.

When I started looking for a way to get back into shape, I focused specifically on methods that would build muscle. Look: I've been skinny. I have, genetically, a great metabolism, hence the 29 years of eating like all of my brothers combined. But I was over it and wanted to add muscle because you know what? Being strong makes me feel awesome. I like knowing I can throw weights around.

I chose to follow a plan called If it Fits Your Macros, or IIFYM. If you're interested, there's tons of resources online, but basically, it focuses on eating the right nutrition for your body and building muscle. I eat tons of protein and plenty of carbs and fat and all of that has been totally instrumental in building muscle.

The reason IIFYM appealed to me, besides the fact that it would help me build muscle, was that there's really no restriction whatsoever. No "safe" foods or "bad" foods: If it fits your daily allowance of carbs, fat, and protein, you eat it. That being said, it's a heck of a lot easier to meet your requirements when you eat good food, but it also meant that I could eat a sugar cookie without feeling like a total failure.

Sugar cookies eaten with a Diet Vanilla Coke are one of life's happiest things. I can't afford to lose that.

2. The Right Diet Plan Shouldn't be Life-Changing

I won't sit here and tell you I changed my life over three months. But I don't really think a wellness plan should be life-changing, really. Instead, I chose a method that was pretty close to the way I naturally eat. I like food. I didn't want to restrict anything. So tracking macros or nutrients was a way for me to continue eating almost as usual without overhauling my entire life and eventually slipping back into old ways.

Changing your life is super admirable, but not if it's completely unrealistic.

3. Protein is my Friend

I eat my weight in protein grams each day. That's a lot of protein. But it's definitely what made the difference for me. I'm a carb girl through and through, so I did have to learn to add protein to all of my meals. I prefer to get most of my protein from natural sources, but I do end up supplementing once a day. I love this brand of protein powder: I use it in shakes, stir it into Greek yogurt, and even use it in pancake batter. Sneaky!

4. I Hate Cardio, So I Stopped Doing It 

I've never been a fan of cardio, another reason why IIFYM was ideal for me. Because it works best with weightlifting, I was able to almost completely transition to weight-centric workouts with only one or two sessions of cardio each week. A spin class here and the elliptical there, but nothing too crazy.

Instead, I focus heavily on weights for 25 minutes a day. That's it. I focus on one area of the body each day so I also give my arms, legs, abs, and chest plenty of time to rest in between workouts, and I do one Pilates session a week for overall toning. FitnessBlender.com is my faaaaaavorite site for weight workouts and the occasional HIIT. I just choose a challenging workout and go for it. Seriously, it's 25 minutes. I can push through just about anything for that amount of time.

5. There are Opportunities to Move Outside of the Gym

I don't have a gym membership. I've had one like, once in my life and I never used it. I did everything at home with three sets of dumbbells, a kettlebell, and a yoga mat. But more than my 25 minute workouts was just finding opportunities to move throughout the day, whether it was playing soccer with my kids or whatever. One of my younger brothers works out with gymnastics rings, so the last time I was home we brought them to the park and tried ridiculous tricks. I totally woke up sore the next time, so it counts.

6. My Goal Weight Wasn't My Ideal Weight

Ask my friends: I was obsessed with the idea of weighing 125 lbs for three months. I thought if I reached that, I'd be happy. And I did reach that goal weight, but honestly, it was a pain in the butt to maintain. My body seems to be its happiest at around 128, so I had to learn that this goal I'd set for myself wasn't some magical elixir to happiness and fitness. And, since I've been able to maintain for so long, I'd rather maintain a few pounds heavier than struggle at a lighter weight. It's a number on a scale, people.

Also, let's remember that the scale isn't the only measurement of success here. I don't know about you, but my weight fluctuates based on EVERYTHING, from sleep to stress to Papa John's pizza. Check the way your clothes fit, your energy levels, and before/after pictures (which I strongly recommend with IIFYM – the scale always goes up when I lift heavier, even though I look better).

7. Do the Work and Don't Feel Guilty

Another reason I wanted to build muscle: It torches calories. When I have muscle on my body, eat well, and exercise, I don't feel guilty when I pig out on the weekends or go out for burgers with my friends. Not only do I not feel guilty, but it doesn't affect the way I look. A handful of Cheetos won't make you fat. A handful of Cheetos coupled with a lack of exercise and processed food on the daily will. I, for one, hate feeling guilty. Lay the right groundwork and a Saturday night feast doesn't totally derail your progress.

8. Meal Planning Makes it Easy

I suck at meal planning. I definitely don't make my meals in advance. I do, however, punch my day's worth of meals into MyFitnessPal each morning for two reasons: First, to make sure my macros are on track so I can adjust them if necessary and second, I'm less likely to dive face-first into a pint of ice cream if my phone already says I'm supposed to snack on fruit.

Also, I found that when food isn't easy, I default to easy processed stuff. It costs more, but buying pre-chopped fruits and vegetables, buying a cooked rotisserie chicken, or using vegetable steamer bags makes healthy food just as easy as eating crap.

I also find that I eat a lot of the same food. I don't mind, it makes it easier for me. I know exactly how much protein is in a Costco turkey burger or their lime-cilantro shrimp (staples of my diet) so it's a no-brainer.

9. Fitness is Not Reserved for Fit People

My diet sucked in the past, but I've always been pretty good about exercising. Still, swapping out cardio for weightlifting was intimidating at first. Seriously, Instagram is packed with jacked women who dedicate their lives to this. I have 25 minutes tops.

But the thing is that fitness isn't only for fit people, even if it seems like everyone at the gym is Arnold quality. I freakin' love this commercial for This Girl Can. I don't care if you jiggle, if you can't fit into your skinny jeans or you feel like a complete idiot in your group workout class, find something you love and move your butt.

A couple of weeks ago I heard about a type of yoga and I decided to try it in my living room. Little did I know, it was yoga mixed with like, African dance and extreme pelvic thrusting. I laughed my face off, did a 30-minute workout, and shelved it forever. I felt like a complete idiot but guess what? I still got a workout in.

10. As Much as it Sucks, Nutrition Really, Really Matters

I was deeeefinitely in the "work out to eat" camp before. I used to proudly proclaim that I did 60 minutes of cardio so I could eat bread. But yeah, nutrition matters. These days, I down about 1,700 calories made up of about 40 percent protein, 30 percent fat, and 30 percent carbs. Once I cleaned up my nutrition, my workouts were so so so very much more effective. It was like my body was saying "Oh, that's what you were trying to do?"


Really, 20 pounds wasn't that much in the grand scheme of things. I'm a couple sizes smaller and a little lighter, but more importantly, I'm way more conscious about what I do to my body. I loved learning about nutrition and reading up on various theories and seeing hard work turn into something real.

Here's a before and after comparison. Like I said, 20 pounds didn't make or break me. I'm not suddenly wildly happy or a fitness guru, or making goals to run triathlons. I'm just really glad this dress fits better.

Does that make me shallow? 

What I Wore: Back on Track

Yay I'm working on my fancy new computer. My techie brother-in-law came to set it all up on Friday night while his wife  and I gossiped, ate Cosmos popcorn (seriously you guys that stuff) and watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine so I feel like that was a fair trade-off. 

Also I vowed not to eat over my new keyboard and then remembered that vow after I was polishing off my second piece of toast this morning... over my keyboard. One day I'll learn. 

Speaking of food because it's 100 percent my favorite subject, I wore this outfit when we went to celebrate the New Year with copious amounts of food at Tucano's, which is one of those Brazilian BBQ places where they just carve meat onto your plate at regular intervals. Starting the year off with a belly full of steak just seemed right. 

Top: Vince Camuto (here in red) (short sleeve) (plus)

Jacket: Target foreeeeever ago (similar) (similar)

Jeans: Calvin Klein (here)

Boots: Frye (here) (similar) (love this brand)

Necklace: Nordstrom (similar)

Now that it's 12 days into 2015 (and I had my steak fix) I got back to eating the way I normally do, when shortbread cookies, homemade caramels and meatballs aren't a constant distraction. I hate to be the typical "New Year, New You" person, but there is something to be said for hitting the reset button after giving yourself plenty of leeway over the holidays. 

Last April(ish) I acknowledged that I could no longer eat the diet of a teenage boy and over the course of three months (!!) got rid of 20 pounds and actually maintained for the rest of the year. Knowing how to eat and plan my workouts this time around, I feel soooo much better about getting back to my regular routine. 

On Wednesday, I'll talk a little about why I decided to make the change and how it was super easy and not restrictive at all, so check back then, k? It'll be fun and not preachy, I promise. 

Freaky Friday

I'm in the middle of the great desktop switch-over of 2015, so I'm a little discombobulated today. I really, really rely on my computer, so when it's out of commission I don't know what to do with myself. I'm on my laptop right now, which I almost never use, so there's also a high chance of typos.

I'm off to a workout and then burgers after this. Because I have amazing friends who understand the importance of exercise, but also share my love of meat. So I'm hurrying because I can't afford to miss either of those options. 

 

One of my brothers spent the holidays in Japan and sent me many delightful  pictures of lost-in-translation products there. I feel like the "NEW" on these boots is like that. Like, someone was like "Can you make some new boots" and a person who didn't really understand nodded and was like "Oh, totally." 

 

I would like to point out that this top has a casual cape on the back. Like, you'd wear this button up to a PTA meeting and then charge out like you could fly. Also, the half-gloves aren't really helping the whole superhero situation.

 

 Just for future reference, I literally never want to see this much thigh meat. On anyone. 

 This was called the "Ladder to Success" dress, which looks suspiciously like my "Sleeping My Way to the Top" outfit.

 CULOTTES. Like all of us had as children. But worn with a bustier. ON AN ADULT PERSON. 

 Out of your league: As most women who wear mesh and leather tutus are.

 I was shoe shopping yesterday, because that's a thing I do, and these were posted under "Boots." Really? Because I feel like these are a highly bastardized version of something that a boot was at one point. Like the designer just kept going in a psychotic frenzy until he collapsed into his chair, closed his eyes and proclaimed "It is done." 

 I dare you to name one situation in which see-through pants are appropriate. 

 Oh hey, Pocahontas. Looking for John?

PS I just listened to a very interesting interview (I subscribe to the BBC History Extra podcast I know how lame I sound) and the historian was saying that John Smith always went on and on about how Pocahontas "saved his life," when really, he was subject to a "rebirth" ceremony, where he was welcomed into the tribe by the chief pretending to kill him, and the daughter of the chief ceremoniously saving his life as a new member of the tribe.

Also, John Smith was a known exaggerator and no one really liked him.

SO TAKE THAT, Disney and Mel Gibson.

Not only are these pants elasticized and acid wash, they also manage to make the legs look three inches long. That's a trifecta if I've ever heard of one. 

Alright, I'm off to throw my hair in a ponytail and earn Cajun fries like it's my job. Happy weekend, everyone!

Jae Raids the Drugstore: Best and Worst Beauty Buys

Ooh, the holidays weren't not kind to my bank account when it came to purchasing beauty products. I blame it on the fact that I was in stores so often. I tend to shop for myself whilst shopping for others. Like, I budget for it.

I was in Nordstrom buying a gift for my mom, and I bought the same thing for myself and the guy was like "Do you want these gift wrapped?" and I said "Sure... Oh wait just one because the other is for myself. That's how it goes, right? One for you, one for me?" It was my Cara tassel necklace, FYI, which is totally on sale now.

ANYWAY, here's some heroes and losers for beauty products over the last month or so. Some were life changing and the others got a resounding "ehhhhhh" from me.

Redken 05 Wind Blown (About $14)

(here)

This stuff wins the prize for "thing I bought that I love forever and will never stop using until I die" in December. It was a pain to find, since I couldn't find it in any salons, so I had to order it. It seems spendy until you see what it does:

K, so the left is my hair after it has been blow-dried and styled like always. Fine, but the right is after I blasted it with Wind Blown, which is a dry finishing spray with minimum hold. It's more of a volumizer and it just makes your hair look shampoo commercial pretty. I've also tried it with wavy hair and it's pretty fantastic. I just lift up my hair and spray it into little pockets here and there. Seriously. Love this stuff. Ignore the spotty mirror and just bask in the big-hairedness.

BASK IN IT!!!!








Urban Decay Naked Lip Gloss in Sesso ($20) 

(here)

This came in my "On the Run" palette and while I've mostly been wearing the Dior Lip Glow for days, this stuff is fantastic for a classic gloss: Not sticky, gorgeous rose color and just a smidgen of shine. It's been my "going out" gloss. And it looks pretty flawless with the eyeshadow colors in the palette.


Tarte Lights, Camera, Lashes ($20)

(here)

You know I have my old favorites when it comes to mascara (Diorshow Iconic Overcurl for department store and L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes for drugstore) but I'm still always trying new ones. And this one is definitely one of the most "buildable" mascaras I've ever tried. You know how sometimes, you go to put on the second coat and all hell breaks loose with clumping and sticking? This stuff layers up to three times and still looks perfect. I think it's because it takes some extra time to dry, so you're not layering over crusted mascara – it's still just a little tacky and comes out uber dramatic.

Doll10 H2Glo Highlighter in Champagne ($8)

(here)

This has been my sneaky secret weapon for the past few months: A really neutral-toned highlighter for the corners of my eyes, brow bones, cheekbones and the bow of my lips. It makes my face look totally awake, which I need after a month of late nights and partying and eating really crappy food. I still often use the ELF Highlighter, but I love how straightforward and simple it is to use the compact here. It comes with me everywhere.

Pacifica Island Vanilla Moisturizing Hand Wipes ($7)

(here)

I grabbed these on Black Friday at Ulta. Pacifica routinely has the most amazing scents (I have the Indian Coconut Nectar Body Butter and it's out of this world) and I was like "YES! Why shouldn't I have non-baby wipes in my purse??" and suddenly I'm a grown up. Seriously, I've been buying Burt's Bees Baby Wipes for spills and messes around town for eons, but these smell amazing AND leave your hands feeling crazy soft. Yes, they're pricey when you can get a pack of wipes for $2, but it's the little things, people. It also doesn't hurt that the package is pretty. 

Burt's Bees Almond Milk Hand Creme ($9)

(here)

Speaking of Burt's Bees, I get super dry, cracked skin during the winter and this is the only stuff that can even touch it. Honestly, I put on other hand cream and it actually feels like I'm drying my skin out. This stuff is crazy thick and smells really clean (my husband always comments on how good it smells). I actually keep a jar in my car because for some reason, driving around in the cold is havoc on my hands.

Urban Decay Naked 24/7 Velvet Eyeliner in Stag ($20)

(here)

Holy Hannah, this stuff is smooth. It glides on like you would not believe. I use it for tightlining and it looks super natural because it stays really close to the eyelid. I've also done a cat eye with it and it smudges beautifully and then just like, hangs around for the rest of the day. Also, the Stag color I got is a really, really dark brown, but I also have the black. I find myself using the brown a lot just because it goes with the golds and pinks in the Naked palettes really well. I keep the black for smokey eyes.

City Color Be Matte Lipstick ($7) 

(here, although I don't know why you would ever want to buy this)

This had the consistency of like, those truffles covered in cocoa powder that you get at Christmas, mixed with oil. So it managed to be super drying and unpleasantly greasy at the same time, which is kind of a feat of engineering. I hated it like Kim Kardashian hates subtlety. Ugh. Worst.

Marc Anthony Oil of Morocco Agran Oil Hairspray ($8)

(here)

Honestly, I felt like this was as effective as throwing candy sprinkles at my head and hoping it created volume.

ELF HD Blush in Superstar ($3) 

(here)

This, however, I like. For $3 you get a pretty darn pigmented cream blush, so let me warn you: It's potent like woah. As in, I *might* use a dot the size of a grain of couscous, because a little goes a long way. On the bright side, I'll be using the same bottle until I'm 80. It's a great option if you're not into powder blushes – I tend to use cream in the winter because my skin is drier and it needs the extra oomph of a more dimensional blush. I sound like a commercial, don't I?

ELF Studio Contouring Blush and Bronzer ($3)

(here)

So, you guys know I'm hyper loyal to Too Faced Chocolate Soleil Bronzer  for contouring cheeks, forehead and chin, but for really precise contouring, I think a cream-base like this one works better. I literally only use it down the sides of my nose, but for $3 it's worth it. Powder works for larger areas because it's buffed out. Cream can be a bit severe, so I use it before I put on foundation and it kind of blends out.

I never use the blush, so I have no idea if it's good or not.


Alright, that's it for my latest and greatest. Have you used anything that you need to talk about in a safe setting? The comments section is ideal. What have you loved and hated for the last few months? Have you tried anything here?

What I Wore: Arrested Development

Let it be know that this is a post about stunted growth, and not about Arrested Development the show. Which I really loved. Until that Netflix-produced last season, which was terrible. But everything before that. I positively worship Lucille as a matriarch. And loose seals as antagonists.

And if you never watched, you'd have no idea what I'm talking about.

But, luckily, this post is just about me looking very short and clinging to things I thought were cool in like, 1999. Do you ever find yourself doing that? You loved something when you were younger, but for whatever reason it was off-limits, so you end up overdoing it as an adult? I have four brothers, so growing up I never shopped or did anything very girly. I played sports and shared clothes with one of my younger brothers. I wore a lot of backwards hats also and rode bikes.

I'm girlier now and am way on the other side of the shopping spectrum, which I suspect there's probably some psycho-babble about me making up for lost time as a kid or something like that.

But I still love dressing like a tomboy sometimes. And I'm still more comfortable around men than women. And I wear a lot of ball caps, but never backwards. But last time I rode a bike at my parents' house, I fell off of it in front of traffic. So I'll just stick to the clothes.

Top: Victoria's Secret (here) I've bought like, 90 of these recently because they're super comfy and I like the fit. Size down, though, this was an XS. And it was way cheaper in store (if you live in Utah County, the Riverwoods store is your best bet).

Pants: Calvin Klein (here) I'm taking one of my oldest friends shopping for her bday today and these jeans are on the top of the list. I'm on my 3rd pair. 

Shoes - can I call them kicks? They're totally kicks. Nike (here in gray)

Watch: XOXO (similar)

Studs: F21

I've been living in these Nikes over the break, just because they were so comfy and paired up with jeans and leather pants in the perfect tomboy way. What can I say? I've never matured past my 16-year-old self.

I also still giggle when people say "balls." 

Freaky Friday

I feel like I haven't done a Freaky Friday in forever. Probably because I haven't. Also, thanks for all the kind responses on the Resolutions post. It's always crazy to me how much I have in common with you guys. But I guess that makes sense, when I'm talking to women who read a blog specifically called "How Not to Dress Like a Mom," right?

Buy this leg pack as a way to keep your credit cards safe at Disneyland but also to fulfill the dreams of young nerds everywhere. 

I love how this sweater makes it look like Oprah has elaborate curly pigtails. Also, it reminds me of this gif my brother sent me, which currently holds the top spot for best gif of all time, as voted by myself: 

Whilst celebrating New Year's Eve the other day, I saw like, a 14-year-old girl wearing a "Thug Life" shirt and I was like oh, you poor little white girl from Provo, why are you doing this?

This shirt, however, would be totally appropriate here. 

This was listed as a European style. Any Euro readers out there? I have a brother living in England and he hasn't told me about the rampant housecoat-over-Daisy Dukes trend yet. Please confirm/deny. 

Where does one wear a stylish scarecrow cardigan? Rave at the Emerald City? HAHAHA I kill myself.

Um, ma'am? It seems as though your hips have sprouted a pony hair mane. 

Speaking of which, I don't wanna judge anyone's grooming habits, but you may want to put "waxing appointment" at the top of your to-do list. 

I like this look. I'll call it sweaterdiaperskinnyleg. 

A viewing window for your leg meat, at last!

Alright, it's back to work for me. Fun fact about being a marketing writer: Every client does their marketing budget for the year in January, which means I have like, seven clients who are all like "YAY we're rich again can you write 9,000 words of copy now?" I've been up since 6 plugging away with no end in sight. This was my break. Pray for me. Or take on some of my overflow. Whatever works best. 

Christmas Dish and New Year's Resolutions

Hi friends! It's officially New Year's Eve and I'm getting my work done and thinking about how I kind of hate NYE. It's like there's too much pressure to dress up and fall in love and kiss someone (Thanks a lot, When Harry Met Sally) so we kind of just opt out. We're taking the kids to a little party, seeing fireworks and then we're dunzo. I can't handle that kind of pressure otherwise.

But for now, let's dish about Christmas and a little on what I'm planning for 2015, shall we?

So this Christmas was actually a little more stressful than usual because we had to keep pressing pause to be up in Salt Lake for the whole citizenship thing. I did have the sense to buy up stuff slowly, but I felt like I was in a mad dash the last two days. 

I'm also way into Christmas Eve. We host the family party here, so it's crazy and loud and fun and then everyone leaves and it's magical and quiet. We tidied up and did pajamas before heading over to the local outdoor light display. 

Also, my pajamas were these and I might be still wearing them now because the pants are so friggin comfortable I want to be buried in them. I know that's macabre, but I really love these pants. I'm buying more because they're on sale. 

Our kids actually fell asleep at 8:30 because they had been up the night earlier. Like, Andrew actually fell asleep during the reading of The Night Before Christmas and I was like shut up, this is like TOO picturesque. 

Of course, that just meant Justin and I were only up until 12 getting stuff ready and crying over It's a Wonderful Life. And the kids woke us up at 5:30. Thanks, kids. 

Also, I should point out that I go crazy over Christmas because my kids overreact to everything. This is Andrew opening a pair of socks and losing his everloving mind. 

And me? The ol' ball and chain is a good gift giver. I usually give suggestions throughout the year and he stores them like little acorns until Christmas and I'm like how did you remember this? 

My main present was a new bag. I hate buying new bags. I get reallllllly comfortable with the ones I have and it's hard for me to make the switch. But my black bag, while in really good shape, had started to fade after two years of use. So Justin bought me this one, which he picked out on his own and I love because he remembered I have to have a crossbody strap to even function (mine is the chalk color). Also, the front cell phone pockets are totally brilliant. 

Also, he bought me this Dior Addict Lip Glow and I'm obsessed. It's perfect for a lipstick avoider like myself: It's a balm that just enhances your natural lip color. It's a really pretty rose on me. I love love love it. 

I also got this amazing Urban Decay Naked On the Run palette, which has basically everything you could ever need while traveling in one compact – eyeliner, mascara, gloss, bronzer, blush, highlighter and eyeshadow. Perfect for weekends away. I must plan one immediately. 

This is me only wearing stuff from the palette. The lip gloss is aaaahmazing, as well as the Dive eyeshadow shade. It's a golden rose with sparkle. Shut. Up. 

I also got some electronics: A new Kindle Paperweight since I used and abused mine heavily during the past year, as well as a completely new desktop. I know I'm old school, but I'm obsessed with my desktop. Laptops cannot hack it for someone like me. Justin bought a tricked out one with tons of memory for my computer packrat tendencies. Very smart. 

Anyway, that was my Christmas. Now, share with me in the comments on yours. Get any awesome beauty products? Or shoes? I will say that I went shopping the day after Christmas and bought myself a pair of high top Nikes. Because: 

Okay, now onto my New Year's Resolutions:

So, here's a little story. In the summer, I started noticing that my migraines were ramping up. I have migraines with aura (and have for years), which means first, I lose my sight and then I'm hit with pain, light sensitivity and then 24 hours of lie-on-the-floor-and-die nausea. Which sucks, but last year it was only like, one every other month and that was doable. But suddenly, they were once a month. And then once every two weeks. And then, by July, I was having one a week. 

Finding myself basically incapacitated for a day a week was crazy to me. Like, it was summer: Kids home, working, trying to keep up with them and then BAM I'd be in my room with three pillows on my head and telling my husband he had to come home from work because I thought I was dying (migraines also come with a lot of drama and emotions for me, too. Hooray.)

Finally, I made an appointment with a new doctor. To be honest, I'm the type of person who is mortified to ever need help, so for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to talk to my usual, friend-of-the-family doc. 

Anyway, I was so stressed out about the appointment that I almost backed out like, six times. Finally, I put on some big girl pants (Calvin Klein, natch) and saw him. I explained the frequency of my migraines, along with a long family history of the same. 

First thing he asked me? "How are you sleeping? How do you feel when you lie down at night?" I thought about it and answered "Like I could probably run a marathon every night at 11 p.m."

After some other questions about my lifestyle and general state of mind, he came back with the question "Are you ever anxious?"

I won't get into the discussion we had, because you know, patient-doctor privilege, right? But in the end, after 30 minutes of talking about social situations, sleep habits and my overall personality, my doctor (very) gently suggested that I might be suffering from an anxiety and sleep disorder, which was triggering my migraines.

To be honest, I was first like "WHAT? I am not one of those people. I'm capable and responsible and dependable and on top of everything. Anxiety is for crazy people. I just have headaches sometimes." But see, here's the thing with that line of thinking: Believing that I had to be capable and had to be on top of everything was exactly what caused my sleepless nights and daily anxiety. I was literally making myself sick proving to everyone that I could do it all. 

I'm not even a perfectionist; it's much worse than that. I'm someone who has to be THE BEST at all times. And when you're constantly worried about being THE BEST, you can't ever relax, since there's a lot of self-evaluation and improvement happening. What if you stop and someone else becomes THE BEST? Being THE BEST at work, life, friends, style, everything was a huge factor in my lying awake at night and wondering if I was doing enough and what more I could add to be THE BEST.

Women get a crappy end of the deal sometimes. Call us the Pinterest Generation: We're obsessed with measuring up. Social media just offers a more palpable way to further assess our success based on others'. "Yeah, she's prettier – but my house is cleaner." "Sure, she's a great cook, but I heard her son is a hellion at school." "She's skinny – but it's like, 'skinny fat.' I have more muscle tone."

What the heck is up with that? We totally stand on someone else's shoulders to put ourselves ahead of the pack. It's some serious girl-on-girl crime, which I'm totally guilty of, too. We all do it as a way to justify someone else's talents and take her down, notch by notch.

We get it: No one's perfect. But I've learned that consistently "placing" yourself on a scale of other women is what leaves you feeling inadequate. Sometimes, I think women are the worst anti-feminists at all, because it's SO HARD to be happy for another woman. She has success, and we all think of ways that she's probably failing. 

I had an experience this year when I was on the receiving end on that girl-on-girl process. I was succeeding in one area, and someone had to point out somewhere that she thought I was failing. And seriously, not to be braggy at all, but it was an area in which I had worked really hard to be THE BEST. And I still had someone saying "Yeah, but..." And to keep it short and sweet, it sucked. Hard.

You guys. That's crappy behavior. Because everyone is just trying to do their best, right? Not a single one of us is just like, coasting through life and tripping into hyperbaric gold mines that cause us to be simultaneously rich and skinny. We all have kids and husbands and bodies and homes and not all of them will be perfect. All we really can do is work on being enough and acknowledging that it's the same thing every woman you know is trying to do, too. 

There's a wordy New Year's Resolution for you: To be OK with not being THE BEST and being happy for the person who is. 

I've worked with my doc and have a treatment plan in place. I didn't want to type that, because anxiety has a pretty crappy stigma and like, admitting to everyone that you're medicated isn't super cool, but it's true and it's been a total lifesaver. My migraines have gone back to being a once-in-awhile affair (I went all December migraine-free what what!) and I actually sleep. Every night. It's glorious. 

So basically, I'm THE BEST at anxiety treatment.

(KIDDING.)

Thanks again for another great year, guys. 

xo,
Jae