Freaky Friday

 I just remembered why the month of May is the woooorst. Is it me or is there a crazy influx of everything? My 5-year-old's preschool graduation was yesterday and then next week is completely booked up.

Can I just say my that the worst people in the world are officially parents who film entire school programs on their iPads with the cover open? No, you go ahead and take up literally three feet of wingspan in front of my face. I came to watch the entire thing on your screen anyway. Reality check: Preschool graduations aren't that great and your kid isn't that interested and you'll actually never watch a grainy, shaky video of your child singing "Kookaburra" from the back row again. Film one song and cool it.

Clearly I had some feelings after yesterday's activities. So glad that's over. The only part I filmed was when my kid stood up and said "Hi, my name's Andrew and when I grow up, I want to be a cowboy."

Perf.

Hey, this swimsuit is awesome because it makes you look like the quarterback -- complete with jock strap.

 Sometimes, I don't have funny quips for clothes. I honestly just look at them and am like "Ugh, what the heck is this slop?" 

This is one of those times. 

Lipboob. So hot right now. 

 Enjoy the pentagram this swimsuit burns into your chest, witch. 

 The description for this romper says that it'll keep you "cool and dry." 

I'm not going to get into specifics, but I would argue that there's parts of this outfit that look neither 

cool nor dry. 

Ahem.

 You know I love me a wedge/high top/sandal/Vibram hybrid. 

 From the "Saved by the Bell Goes to Hawaii" collection. 

Other times this would be appropriate for a grown woman:

-You're a Fly Girl.

-You're part of the title sequence for "Blossom." 

That's pretty much it. 

 You're cool, but are you see-though flap on your pants for iPhone usage cool?

Hey, the Green Lantern needs to kick back on the boardwalk too (nerd humor). 

Yeah, so sorry if posting gets a little sporadic around here while I schlep kids to various activities and unnecessary school functions for the next two weeks. Seriously, I'm dying for June, after which I'll start complaining that my kids are bored and driving me crazy. 

I can't wait either. 

What I Wore: Mother's Day

We were at church yesterday and the woman speaking said something along the lines of "I've heard that some people don't like Mother's Day" and my husband shot me a very obvious look. I swear I don't hate it, it's just a lot for someone like me who is very uncomfortable accepting compliments. Also, I feel like more often than not, you end up doing everything a mom does on a regular day, but you have to slap on a smile because you're supposed to love it more than usual.

Whatever. I'm just in it for the presents. My daughter wrote a hilarious book about me and how I love to watch Shark Tank and eat shrimp from Costco, both of which are completely accurate. And my son made me a picture frame, and in addition to my beloved Naked 3, my other half got me a shower speaker so I can blast "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea while washing my hair and a pair of leopard print Reefs because I never shut up about how much I love my Reefs.

I also ate pie and got a three-hour (!!!) nap, so I'd say it was pretty successful. How did you guys do?

I felt like I should have worn something flowy and serene to show everyone what a sweet mom I was, but in the end I was like screw it, I wanna wear a pencil skirt. And very high heels.

Shirt: Calvin Klein - I worship the fit on these shirts (here) (love giraffe in pink!)

Skirt: Tailor and Stylist - no longer available (similar) (plus)

Belt: I have wracked my brain and I have no idea where this came from. My hunch is mod bod, but don't quote me on it (similar) (cute and cheap!)

Shoes: Guess (similar AND with leopard!) (similar)

Necklace: F21 (here)

I guess it's back to normal life now. Hope you guys all felt loved and well-rested and amazing yesterday. I know that 24 hours definitely isn't enough to thank moms for all they do, but maybe it's enough to wrangle like, at least a week of good behavior from your kids.

OK, maybe a day. Or a couple of an hours. We'll take what we can get. 

Freaky Friday

 Hey, it's the Friday of the Mother's Day weekend, everyone. Here's hoping that all my mama friends have an excellent time. Mine kicked off yesterday, when my husband sent me off to Sephora with instructions to finally go buy Naked 3 (which is an eyeshadow palette, and not something creepy) and it is BEAUTIFUL. I seriously cannot wait to play with it today. I resisted buying it because I thought it would be too pink and I now understand the error of my ways.

I also bought that navy blue midkini from Wednesday. I didn't mean to. It just happened.

I don't have much else planned other than a spin class and a new book for the weekend -- just the way I like it. I also want to sleep in and eat something good. I've become a lot easier to please over the years, I think.

Anyway, let's kick things off with a Mother's Day reminder that while your spawn may have caused you stretch marks, at least you don't dress like this.

'X' marks the spot... heh heh heh. 

Also, programming note for those who wear leggings as pants: If they fade like this in the thigh, it's because they're too small and I can probably see your underwear. Size up. 

 Speaking of  swimsuits, can we talk about the tan lines here? When my brothers and I were kids, we'd draw faces on each other's backs (usually when someone fell asleep in the sun) and let them burn and laugh because that's what five siblings do to each other. This suit would be AWESOME for a smiley face. 

Sigh. So many missed opportunities. 

 The closest to becoming a mermaid you'll ever get. 

 Is it me, or do designers just get uber flustered when designing plus size clothing?

"Sir, we have a plus-size order coming in."

"Yes, well, uh, plus size women like um, lamp tassels and rosettes, right? Oh screw it, just staple the crotch and let's get out of here." 

 There's no way to not look like your head is on backward in this coat. 

 This could not be more Duggar-esque.

Speaking of weird TLC families, I've now successfully spotted two of the wives from "My Five Wives" out and about during the last couple of weeks. It's become a Pokemon-like game for me: Gotta catch 'em all! 

 Pants brought to you by the crosshatch tool in Photoshop. 

 Let's revive the discussion of why I hate capris, shall we?
Exhibit#1
Exhibit #2

and these blue pants are Exhibit #9,548.

Look: I own a pair of leather pants. I wear them all the time. But they are a beast to get in and out of and make me sound like a sea lion in a wetsuit when I try to peel them off. Let's now just imagine that times 40 because these are leather overalls. 

You'll be the prettiest little grease money at the Sons of Anarchy body shop. 

Seriously, happy weekend you guys. Hope you get the respect, love and adoration you deserve NAY COMMAND. 

And if not, enjoy the inevitable fight you have with your husband when he realized that he screwed up. Then, enjoy exploiting that screw-up by getting what you want on Monday. 

XOXO

8 Completely Lovable Swim Trends to Try

I know, I know, I'm sorry: It's time to start talking about swimwear again. I know it's the first week of May, but it's going to start heating up and it's good to have a month head start. I know I've been looking around.

Let's just take a moment to thank our lucky stars that there is so much CHOICE when it comes to women's swimwear now. It used to be that everyone had to wear those high-cut Baywatch bathing suits and that wasn't even a good look for the women actually on Baywatch.

Therefore, there is way too many options for you to be scared of swimwear this year. I've been seeing cuts, colors and styles for literally every body type and issue. Moral of the story: Nothing should be between you and the beach (or local pool) this year.

Quick disclaimer: Because swimwear is so touchy (hi, let's hang out almost completely naked) I really don't judge when it comes to swimwear styles. I think it's one area where you should wear whatever makes you feel amazing, whether that's one-piece, tankini, bikini, whatever. Just as long as you're not getting into the pool in like, shorts and a t-shirt because that's comfortable for no one. I don't believe swimwear is like, this personal crusade that defines your whole belief system. It's just a bunch of Lycra, so whatever.

Moving on: Here are some of my fave swimsuit trends this year. Seriously, I am actually overjoyed at all the cool stuff designers are doing to acknowledge that we aren't all shaped the same. Thanks, guys.

I love: Feature Tops

(here)

This just in: I have small boobs. But I'm pretty "whatever" about it. And I've come to appreciate the fact that girls will small boobs can pull off looks that some of our generously-endowed friends cannot. I love love intricate feature tops like this one. It adds a ton of interest to the suit (and a little visual pick-me-up). This is adorable -- I'm also loving flutter tops and sweetheart necklines this year too.

I love: Super Chic One-Pieces

(here)

If you're more of a one-piece girl, I can totally respect that. I have no torso to speak of, so they can look awkward on me, but I do have one! And how much do I appreciate the fact that one-pieces had a teen movie-like makeover recently? This one could not be hotter with the one shoulder strap and the little peekaboo. Add an oversized hat, a maxi and wedges and I will actually hate you for being so cool.

I love: Flaw-Hiding but Totally Cool Tankini Tops

(here)

I'm pretty obsessed with these loose tankini tops lately (which you can find with or without straps). I think they're a perfect way to modernize your swimwear even if you're not ready to put everything on display. They're modest without frumpy, and as a mom who is constantly eating churros at the pool, I can respect that. 

I love: Fuller Coverage Tops

(here)

Could you not just die from cuteness overload right now? I am definitely into the fuller-coverage sleeve on swimsuits and will definitely probably grab one for myself. Last year I bought a rash guard and loved having something to keep my shoulders covered. Obviously this is less functional, but still so super cute. And there's something so sex-ay about unexpectedly showing a little less skin, you know?

I love: Crocheted Tankinis

(here)

You can go ahead and thank Pinterest for this one. There was like, one singular crocheted tankini in existence last year and this year, they're everywhere after it was pinned a bajilion times. Perfect for showing a little skin without committing to a bikini. Just remember that the top is supposed to be a little loose, rather than like, skin tight.

I love: Midkinis

(here) 

I bought a midkini (a corset-like bikini top that comes lower down on the rib cage) last year and it ended up being my favorite suit ever. I liked that it gave some extra coverage and added a ton of interest to the top half, while looking totally appropriate with more moderately-cut bottoms. It's kind of a vintage-y and girly look that I love. I definitely have my eye on this one. 

I love: Ombre Suits

(here)

Listen up, girls-who-don't-like-their-hips: Ombre suits are kind of genius. Because they start light and melt into a darker color, they can help minimize parts you might not be in love with. The best part? Ombre is totally on point, so you look really good doing it. Just look for a suit that is lighter at the top -- a pattern like this paired with a deep-v is also super flattering. 

I love: Paneling

                         

(here)

If you tend to worry about being wide across the middle (or the chest) look for a swimsuit that has panels of solid color down the sides. It'll create a nice, long line of pattern from your neck to your hips and the black is super flattering. I always say it's like the swimsuit equivalent of one of those swimsuit coverups sassy old women wear that have a bikini body printed on them. 

Also, plus size girls, I feel ya: Trying to find swimwear that supports the girls and doesn't look matronly is tough stuff. MY only advice is to try on, try on, try on. And then try on some more. Look for moderately-sized patterns and fun details (I love the tie on this one) One shoulders on plus sizes are awesome too!

Alright, does that help remove some swimsuit trepidation? It's pouring rain here, so it's kind of hard to think that we're just a few weeks away from lazy pool days, which I am very excited about. Now -- onto the swimsuit search!

Have any favorite trends you wanna share?

What I Wore: Baby Talk

Ahhh I'm excited because it's actually warm and sunny (like, laying out on the grass while my kids run through the sprinkler times) so I'm planning to stay outside as much as possible. Well, after I hit the library and the grocery store MY LIFE IS GLAM OK?

So, in short, I wore this outfit to go see my cute friend and her equally cute new babe in the hospital the other day. I never ever get baby hungry but I'm so glad my friends are still procreating so I can hold and baby talk to something other than my parent's dog. I also am SO much more excited when my friends have babies. Back when mine were little, I was no enthused. If I wanted to look at a baby, I'd just hang out with my own. Now my kids are older I love being the designated baby holder.

Top: H&M here (I swear, all of my friends have this shirt in various colors and patterns. It's super flattering and true to size and $10) 

Patterned skinnies: Iris Jeans (similar) (ankle length) (maternity!)

Boots: Call it Spring (here)

Cuff: Marc Jacobs (similar) (love!)

Necklace: I'm not even gonna lie, this is my daughter's. I'm wearing an 8-year-old's jewelry. She has excellent taste. 

Nothing screams "Congrats on your baby" quite like star-patterned skinny jeans and ankle boots, amiright?


Now, I've already checked preschool and a heinous butt workout off my list, so I must keep up this momentum. And by that, of course, I mean act productive until I remember I have an episode of "My Five Wives" saved on my DVR.

Size Vs. Shape: Dressing When You're a Size 4 or 24

So get ready, because we're talking sizes today. The good news? I have literally everyone covered here:

One mistake I repeatedly see happening is women who dress for their size, rather than their shape. And it makes me sad, because you have these plus-size women who feel like they have to buy clothes that don't really fit just because of sizing issues.

The problem with that is that by wearing clothes that fit your size – but not really your body – can make you look bigger than you are and mean you miss opportunities to show off some of your best features.

The truth is that you shouldn't be dressing for the number on those pants. Like, ever. Instead, whether you're a 4 or a 24, you should be dressing for your SHAPE. And, since we know that getting dressed is all about balance, you can definitely dress according to your bod no matter what size you are.

Even if you're not a sample size mannequin lady, it doesn't mean you can't have great style. Check out below: I've done two outfits for each shape. On the left is the misses size and the right is plus size. It's pretty clear that both look awesome.

Hourglass Shape

Black cardigan, $30 / Black cardigan, $35 / Dorothy Perkins top /
J TOMSON plus size top /
  i jeans by Buffalo Floral Print Pencil Skirt / H M plus size skirt, $13 /
Zara flat shoes / Platform pumps

If your boobs and butt are comparable in size, but your waist is small, congrats! You have a killer balanced silhouette and you don't have to do much. No matter what your pants size, it's all about emphasizing your seriously little waist and showing off whatcha got. Pencil skirts are faaaaaaantastic for this, since they're cut to show off curves (and you probably have ah-mazing legs). I like to add a little softness to my pencil skirts, since they're so structured. Add a heel and you're in Jessica Rabbit territory and I hate your perfect body.

Avoid stuff that is shapeless, please.

Big Bust/Inverted Triangle Shape

Worthington pleated top / Morgan v neck top, $42 /
Dorothy Perkins wide leg trousers /
Old Navy plus size black jeans / ALDO high heel stiletto pumps /
ALDO pointy toe pumps

If your bust is larger than your waist and butt, we call you an inverted triangle. Here's the rule of thumb for you: Volume on the bottom, structured on the top. Adding a trouser or bootleg jean helps balance out your top half, while a V helps make your neck look longer, as long as you put your puppies away around the children. I actually have this misses version of this plus-size top and it's uber flattering. Some definition around the waist also helps avoid that whole tent-like top thing that happens because you were blessed with a hefty chest.

The worst thing you can do with big boobs is to go for skinny jeans and big, blous-y tops. They'll make your top half look bigger than it is.

Pear Shape

American Eagle Outfitters black button up shirt / Women plus top /
J TOMSON fitted blazer / Mossimo black velvet jacket /
Jones New York plus size pleated skirt / River Island black and white skirt, $20 /
Forever 21 t strap sandals / Dorothy Perkins black high heel shoes / ASOS stretchy belt /
  CHARLES KEITH waist belt

Hi, friends. I'm pretty pear shaped (I carry weight in my butt, but have a relatively small waist), so I'm right there with you. And while I don't mind that there are rap songs written about backsides like my own, it's possible to look disproportionate when you're smaller up top. My solution? A-line skirts and a cinchy belt to show off a tiny waist and balance out your bottom. Plus A-line skirts are fun. I also love love love wedges for people like me, because they help balance out a generous booty. Sir Mix-A-Lot would be proud.

While it's totally fine to wear a pencil skirt or skinny jeans, balance it out with a more voluminous top and you're good to go. A stronger shoulder is also really flattering, since it builds out your upper body a bit.

Apple Shape

AB Studio white black polka dot dress / Plus size dress /
Red shoes / Qube flat shoes, 

If you carry your weight in your middle, you get to be named after a delicious piece of fruit and my favorite way to convey peanut butter into my mouth: An apple. Because you tend to be a bit rounder in the middle, structured shirts can look awkward and uncomfortable. Instead, I looooove a wrap dress (and wrap shirts) for apple shapes. The wrap can start at the smallest part of your waist and then flow out so you're not left awkwardly adjusting your dress all night. This creates emphasis at your best spot and camouflages a rounder tummy. Ugh, I just said tummy. I just told my husband that I hate grown women who say "I need to use the potty" and now I'm just as bad.

The worst for apple shapes are tight shift-type dresses and waaay too much layering. Keep it simple and choose clothes that already have interest built-in. Also, mid-rise trouser jeans are definitely your friends.


See? Your size doesn't matter so much as your actual body shape. And while I obviously can't cover every single type of body, keeping balance in mind should help you shop -- whether it's in the misses or the plus-size department.

Because really, who the heck cares about your dress size when you look amazing?

What I Wore: Double Duty

I think one of the biggest challenges in getting dressed when you have a bunch of kids is the fact that you do so much in one day – and your usual gear isn't always appropriate for all of it.

Take Friday, for example (and no, this isn't a "woe is me I do so much" tale). In one day, I had a video call for work, my usual workout, that awful preschool field trip, running errands through the afternoon and then date night with my husband (finally saw Divergent). And all of those things required different types of clothes. If I'm not careful, I find myself changing three times a day or just saying "Screw it" and wearing my workout clothes to the grocery store.

To remedy my out-of-control laundry, I try getting dressed in a versatile base layer and then change it up through the day according to whatever I'm doing. This basic tee and jeans (worn with a scarf) was perfect for a casual business call, then dressed down with my fave hoodie for preschool happy times and dressed up for date night. Totally easy, right?

 Tee: Abound - I practically buy these in bulk but I'm pretty sure they're only at Nordstrom Rack. I also like buying v-necks at like, Ross and TJ Maxx because they're uber cheap and I can toss 'em when they get gross. White tees are not forever.

Hoodie: Fox Blockout (I am struggling to find it in this color on line. Here it is in black but mine is called "orange flame" or some such?) 

Jeans: Maurices (similar) (similar) (plus)

Boots: Call it Spring Milada (my preeeecious) (very similar) (love these)

Add a blazer, cute shoes and some jewelry and it's hello to Sour Punch Straws and popcorn all night long. 

Jeans, tee: Same as above.

Blazer: H&M (similar) (omg love) (love this price) (plus)

Shoes: Charlotte Russe (similar) (love these peep toes too)

Bracelet: Buckle (similar)

Ring: c/o Inspired Silver 

Doable, right? Just goes to show that buying up solid basics will probably serve you better than going crazy with a million trendy pieces, especially when it comes to laundry. And after spending a couple hours on laundry on Saturday, I'm ready to swear off getting dressed altogether, so this is a step up.

On today's docket: Work, driving to preschool, workout, library, Bath and Body Works because I'm out of Wallflowers and I might actually die if my house doesn't smell like fresh lilacs and vanilla at all times.

Hello, jeans.