Freaky Friday: Happy Valentine's Day!

 Happy Valentine's Day guys! My husband woke me up to show me the tracking information for my present (which is pure romance for someone like me) and it's currently 30 minutes away EEEE. I was out shopping with my friends yesterday and told them I was literally more excited for this than I was the birth of my children.

And, in also-romantic fashion, my kids and husband each got a bag of donuts from me in lieu of a Valentine. I know, I spoil them.

I know that some people feel like V-Day is a Hallmark holiday (and don't get me wrong, it totally is) but I will support any holiday or special event where I get a present. So we party hardy. Tonight we're staying in with the kids and we'll head out tomorrow for a date. I bought a new outfit. I'm excited.

I shall reduce my excitement by posting some really, really bad gift ideas. That way, if you didn't get anything this year, you can at least take comfort in knowing that at least you didn't get this crap.

 

 I don't mind lingerie as a gift AS LONG as your guy knows a) your size and b) that your bedroom fantasy doesn't involve an emu.

Speaking of emus. My brothers and I watched this repeatedly one night.

 

 I have yet to meet a single man who wants his wife messing with his underwear. I feel like guys are super particular in general and making his wear novelty boxers assaults his manhood. 

Plus, that's friggin' cheesy.

Not even once. 

 Fastest way to scare a guy away: Emblazon your love for him on your chest. 

Later, you can Photoshop what you think your kids will look like.

 Not only is drugstore celebrity perfume THE WORST, but have you actually smelled this stuff? Sorry, Beyonce, but your perfume smells like a sweaty man in a curry restaurant.

(Seriously, I'm sorry Beyonce I really love you let's never fight again, OK?)

 Sugar free chocolates? You can leave. Now.

At our last girl's night, my friend brought dirty conversation hearts (Love you, Jami!) And they were FILTHY dirty. But at least they had sugar. 

I brought some home so I could show my husband and the next morning my kids were like "OOH CANDY I WANT SOME" and I had to shove them all in my mouth really fast. 

This is my life.

 Just in case you ever wondered what it was like to "give" someone chlamydia, I give you stuffed STDs. 

And we all know what happens when you get chlamydia: 

Don't say I didn't warn you.

 Nothing like forcing your husband to love you on Valentine's Day

Because we all know that NO GUY buys this for himself.

Aww, it's the couple Snuggie! Just in case you were looking for a way to say "I no longer find you sexually attractive."

So we all know that Valentine's Day is basically a bragging a holiday: We get to compare our deep and everlasting love against the scale of our friends on Facebook. So I give you a safe space. What did you get? What DIDN'T you get? Are you wearing emu lingerie RIGHT NOW? Share with me, please. I'm just sitting here refreshing my UPS tracking number maniacally anyway.

**UPDATE: They came. And they are never coming off.**

What to Wear: For Valentine's Day

Hand up if you already have Valentine's Day plans! Yeah, my hand is down. Actually, we tend to hang out with our kids on the actual V-Day, because I don't want to use up babysitter time when they should be having romantical times themselves. SO my husband and I tend to celebrate on the 15th or whenever the Saturday night after Valentine's Day happens to be. (My kids LOVE having us home on Valentine's -- I let them have candles with dinner and watch a lovey Disney movie.)

So I'm thinking about what to wear. It's actually what I think about when I'm in pain and working out. I did a killer round of PiYo (Pilates and yoga mixed) on Monday and when in plank for like, 30 minutes I planned my next week's worth of outfits. So I apologize to my butt but am thankful for my closet.

Anyway, if you're still totally stumped for what to wear on your hot date this weekend, here are some ideas. Now go! Go and get frisky!! 

If you're: Headed to a movie

KUT from the Kloth pleated top / Dorothy Perkins white sheer shirt / Long sleeve jacket /
Single button blazer, $46 / H&M low rise bootcut jeans, $49 / Mango zipper jeans /
G by Guess round toe shoes / ALDO hidden wedge boots / Call it SPRING green satchel handbag
/ Kangol studded shoulder bag, $43 / R.J. Graziano fish hook earrings /
John Lewis chunky jewelry, $33 / Wallis yellow gold jewelry / J by Jasper Conran bracelet jewelry, $30
/ Dorothy Perkins jean belt

Whatever, so movies aren't the most original date. But my husband and I love them because we get to eat nachos and it's quite for 90 minutes at least. With kids at home, that's heaven to me. I like to be comfortable and casual, but I always need a top layer because theaters are freeeeezing. But I also don't want to be too warm, because I still like my husband to give me his coat. I feel like that's my right after 11 years of marriage, right? Jeans are a must, plus a flirty top and a structured topper.

Bootcut lovers, unite -- flares are totally back this spring and that makes me very happy. Just make sure you balance them out with a sleeker top and shoes. Anything clunky and you'll look like a hippie.

If you're: Headed out to dinner

 
Print dress (similar)/ Mossimo red top /
ALDO black ankle boots / Big Buddha satchel purse / Topshop watch / Bracelet jewelry

If you're going out to eat, ditch the pants and get schmany with a maxi dress. It's totally comfortable, but it's a little fancier than your garden variety jeans. I also love how maxi dresses toe the line between casual and more formal, so they work for everything. I love to wear my maxi dresses with heels because they make my legs look loooooong. Plus, if you cover up in the maxi dress, it's the perfect time to flash some cleave. What? Who said that?

If you're: Heading out on the town and doing something fancy

Dorothy Perkins dress / Forever 21 motorcycle jacket / Michael Antonio black pumps /
GUESS pink purse / Wet Seal friendship bracelet

If you're doing something more than dinner and a movie (couples' cocktail party, formal restaurant, dancing, etc) you'll need a cocktail dress. I'm fairly obsessed with this one. BUT! Because you don't want to be overdressed, toning that dress down with a moto jacket or a blazer makes sense. I would even sign off on knee-high boots with this outfit if you wanted even more casual. It's a hot Valentine's Day outfit without wearing the skirt the size of a postage stamp. And you know what? It's fun to dress up and look hot. It's like 75 percent of why I actually like V-Day.

The other 25 percent is me getting presents. My husband says mine will be delivered on Friday and I might actually vomit I'm so excited.


OK, so what are your plans this weekend? Are you a celebrator or a rebel who stays home to watch Pride and Pejudice because I can respect that either way.

What I Wore: Leopard Tuesday

If this shirt looks familiar, it's because it's what I was wearing in those makeup tutorials. Yes, it was a Tuesday. I don't even think I did anything special that day -- I hung around the house because my kids had colds and I had lunch with my husband. So yeah, it was a typical Tuesday. But hey, you're going to put pants on anyway; why not add some leopard and call it an outfit?

 Sweater: F21 (similar)(v-neck)(Want this in red!)

Blazer: Bluenotes - Canada (cheap!) (Plus size) (similar)
Pants: KUT from the Kloth (here and WAY on sale)
Boots: F21 (similar) (these too)

Rings: Coach (here) (so pretty and cheap!) (pretty for stacking!)

OMG! I almost forgot! We went to Red Robin for dinner on Friday and had THE WORST waiter of all time. First, he tried to give me a fist bump when I ordered a Dr. Pepper. A FIST BUMP. He called my husband "bro" repeatedly and there is nothing that he hates more. Also, when I asked him for a fork, he said  -- and I quote -- "Aw did those ho's up front not give you one?"

I died.

Then, when a table of five girls showed up, he actually pulled up a chair to their table and proceeded to ignore us for the rest of the night. It was so bad I could not stop laughing. If he only knew what I good tipper I usually am because I'm so bad at math. It really was stupendous dining experience.

Aaaand that was my last low-key weekend for a while. February is historically the worst month ever for me. Besides Valentine's Day, it's both my kids' birthdays, parties and whatnot, we're headed off to the Disneyland thing for said birthdays, my family is coming to visit and my daughter is being baptized.

So if this is the last time this month I actually remember to put on pants, I apologize.

Freaky Friday: Hall of Shame

Since this week was about makeup, I decided to clean out the depths of my vanity drawer to see what unlucky products have been languishing there since they came out of the packaging. And while a lot of what was back there was old bobby pins, I did find some of the worst products that I tried, hated and tossed back there. Silver lining to my wasted money? I can now tell you what not to buy.

BOO:

Bare Escentuals bareMinerals Prime Time Brightening Foundation Primer

Here's a classic case of a pricey product being nowhere near as good as a drugstore one. I got talked into a $23 (!!) bottle of this slop when picking up my regular pot of Bare Minerals foundation. This stuff felt like I was putting pure oil onto my face and it didn't prime worth a crap. I still had my regulation dinner-plate pores and it made me break out.

YAY:

Revlon PhotoReady Color Correcting Skin Primer Cream 002

This is still the only primer I'll use -- it's creamy and lovely and even lets me go sans makeup:

BOO:

Maybelline Volum' Express The Mega Plush Mascara

Yup, it's going into the garbage, folks. I obviously have a well-documented hatred for this mascara. I won't even let my daughter have it for playtime because SHE NEEDS TO LEARN.

YAY:

Dior Beauty Iconic Overcurl Mascara

I feel like this stuff is made from unicorn tears and I'm OK with that. Also, let's compare the packaging for the two mascaras. I'm sorry, did Lisa Frank make that plush stuff? I am a grown woman.

BOO:

Garnier BB Cream Skin Renew Miracle Skin Perfector

This stuff was reallllly oily for a BB cream. And, since it only comes in like, three shades, you have to just settle for one that's "close enough." I think I used it once.

YAY:

Maybelline Dream Dream Fresh BB 8-in-1 Beauty Balm Skin Perfector SPF 30

Much better. Creamy consistency and it comes in more shades (I think five?) so even my freaky pale skin gets a solid treatment. I use this a lot in the summer when I want to even out skin tone without caking on the makeup.

BOO:

e.l.f. Lip Stain Nude Nectar

You guys know I love ELF and I actually didn't mind this stain when I first got it. But then it was dried out and when it wore off my lips, it would leave a ring behind and it's now just relegated to the bottom of my makeup bag.

YAY: 

Pearly Lip & Cheek Stain

LOVE this stuff from The Body Shop -- I have it in two shades. It's much pricier at around $15, BUT I actually use it. It has a nice consistency, but more importantly, it doesn't dry out my lips. I even wore it in family pictures because I was positive it would stay nice for a couple of hours. Also... you can use it on cheeks and that makes me happy.

BOO:

Briogeo Don't Despair, Repair Deep Conditioning Mask

This smelled nice but did absolutely nothing for my hair. And at $26, it better make my hair shine like actual baby angels to be worth the money.

YAY:

Aveeno Active Naturals Nourish + Strengthen Shampoo

Just use a good shampoo instead. I have my whole family using Aveeno now. Super soft hair, smells good, no need for expensive hair masks. If I want extra conditioning, I just comb a dime-sized amount through my damp hair and leave it. Also, it makes my daughter's crazy thick hair super soft, too. That makes me feel good about my mothering skills.

BOO: 

L'Oreal Paris Double Extend Beauty Tubes Lash Extension Effect Mascara

Super great, if you want spider lashes that you later have to scrub to remove. Uh, no thanks. Also, head's up, mascara companies: The only way to look like you're wearing lash extensions is to actually wear lash extensions. These do not put "tubes" around your eyelashes. It's a primer. Just say primer.

YAY:
Seriously, just buy a quality mascara. I still stand by Dior as my number one and this:

L'Oréal Voluminous Million Lashes Mascara

As my favorite drugstore brand. And it's been that way for like, two years.

BOO:

NYX 'Extra Creamy' Round Lipstick

I actually liked the way this FELT but it lasted maaaaaybe two seconds on my lips. Awesome. Plus I'm just a gloss girl, so I don't know why I continually spend money on lipstick. I always think it'll be the one to convert me. Nope.

YAY:

Maybelline Baby Lips Electro Lip Balm

I'll just stick with my Baby Lips. I just bought this color and it's awesome. That brings my tally up to five, if you're keeping track. I feel like if you buy five of the same product, it's probably a winner.


Alright, this just turned into a big beauty review post. Any hits or misses that you've had in the last little while?

UGH don't you hate buying a product that totally sucks?

Everyday Makeup Tutorials

You guys know I suck at tutorials, but I flipped on my camera when I did my makeup yesterday, since some of you were asking about daily makeup routines. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1) This is what I would do on a weekday when I just have to do running around, sometimes a video call with a client, etc. It's not full-on glammy makeup, which is a whole 'nother story. 
2) I don't wear lip products on a daily basis. I feel like they're high maintenance. I just wear my Baby Lips. And you should know how to put on lip balm by now geez.
3) Aside from smoothing them out (because I sleep on my face and mess 'em up) I don't do much with my eyebrows. I keep them neat and skip any products. Sometimes I might use a gel-based filler.
4) Please enjoy the view of my toilet paper holder. Also, products that I used are below.
5) I DID get my new Diorshow Iconic Overcurl like, five minutes after this video was made. Isn't that just always the way? It's AMAZING by the way. So good. I'll do a full review soon. I also started using a new nighttime treatment that I need to review too. Sorry, getting off topic here.

Anyway, I broke it into three videos for each area of the face. See if you can find a special guest.

Products used:
Clean and Clear Morning Glow
ELF HD Lifting Concealer (Brightening)
 NYC Smooth Skin (Ivory)
Too Faced Matte Bronzer (Chocolate Soleil)
ELF Studio Blush (Tickled Pink)
ELF Shimmering Facial Whip (Lilac Petal)
Starlooks Eyeliner (Obsidian)
 Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion
Urban Decay Naked Palette
Maybelline Volum' Express Colossal (Black)

All brushes were from Sonia Kashuk or ELF Studio. So I use about 10 products, ranging from $3 to like, $50. I feel pretty good about that.

And drumroll please, here's a before and after:

Nothing too crazy, just polished up a little and less flat. Flatface, ew. The routine takes me five minutes max when I'm not talking to myself into a camera. Sweet mother I look tired without makeup.


Let me know if you have any questions on products or whatever!

What I Wore: Proud to Be

My friends always make fun of me because I love clothes that have American designs -- despite the fact that I'm not American. My green card is valid until 2017, after which I can renew or just become a citizen.
Most Americans I meet ask me why I don't "just" become American. I find it's hard for them to imagine someone NOT wanting to be American. Yes, there's the chance for dual citizenship and whatnot, but when and if I do change my citizenship, I'd just prefer it to be the same as the rest of my family, all of whom are American. Easier for traveling.

I'm still dragging my feet though. Canadians are awesome and polite and I've never actually said the Pledge of Allegiance. It is, however, very awkward to just stand there while everyone else does it. I fully expect to become American one of these days, but I'm happy to be a Canadian... who happens to have lived in the U.S. for almost 11 years.

For now, though, I'll just settle for wearing the flag ironically. Until 2017, at least. 

Sweater: Gap (here and on sale!) (similar) (love this brand)

Jacket: Charlotte Russe (love these colors for spring) (similar)

Pants: c/o Wizards of the West (no longer avail) (similar) (I heart these)

Shoes: Call it Spring Milada (here) (similar) (love these in grey)

Scarf: David & Young (similar) (want this one SO BAD) (way cheap)

PS nice photobomb, armchair. 

Also, I super love shorter hair with scarves. It just works. I wore this last Thursday, which we all know is gymnastics day (kill me now). It was also my niece's birthday and girl's night, which involved cake and very dirty conversation hearts, respectively. This was a good "little bit of everything" outfit.

And yeah, I really want a Canadian scarf too. What can I say? I'm an equal-opportunity scarf-wearer.

Freaky Friday

YAY I got better. And cleaned my house. And did laundry. So basically I'm amazing. Now I shall do a Freaky Friday and find something unhealthy to eat.

These C3PO pants were originally $1,400 BUT because they're ugly and no one bought them, they can now be yours for $429. A steal to make your bottom half look like an old timey robot! 

 

 You know the person who would actually wear this ring is the person who probably has a whole wall of pictures of the person she stalks. 

Also would you not feel weird inserting your finger through a baby?

 I can't even with these pants. I just... can't even. 

I feel like the designer reaaaaally phoned it on this one. Like:
Designer: I really want to do a pair of red plaid pants.
Minion: Like these?
Designer: Err not really but it's Friday and I want to go home. 

END SCENE.

 OH! YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!!!! 

Get ready for it!

I am your Grandma

...I'm so sorry. 

 Are these shorts or a chastity belt because no guy is getting near that. 

 Oh, pop your hip back in smug model. You look like hungry Dynasty.

 I know that my favorite way to style my comfy tank is with shorts that literally look like they're hiding a bowling ball/severe hip displacement. 

 If Crocs and  those platform shoes I owned when I was a teenager had a love child.

An ugly love child. 

That no one loved.

 Are they shoes that look like cookies or cookies that look like shoes? (Thanks Brenda)

That reminds me of mine and my little brothers' favorite line from a movie ever "How much about me did you like because I was a ballerina .... *sobs* AND HOW MUCH BECAUSE IT WAS MEEEE?"

I will give two points, some street cred and a chest bump to anyone who can name that movie because it featured some fine acting.

Oh cool so you put your phone in a tiny cage on your belt and stay at home because that's friggin' embarrassing.

Alright, I'm signing off for the weekend. Seriously, I've been good with eating all week, what with me having the flu and only eating crackers and all. So my entire weekend will revolve around looking for something to eat. Preferably with high cholesterol.