Freaky Friday: Happy Valentine's Day!

 Happy Valentine's Day guys! My husband woke me up to show me the tracking information for my present (which is pure romance for someone like me) and it's currently 30 minutes away EEEE. I was out shopping with my friends yesterday and told them I was literally more excited for this than I was the birth of my children.

And, in also-romantic fashion, my kids and husband each got a bag of donuts from me in lieu of a Valentine. I know, I spoil them.

I know that some people feel like V-Day is a Hallmark holiday (and don't get me wrong, it totally is) but I will support any holiday or special event where I get a present. So we party hardy. Tonight we're staying in with the kids and we'll head out tomorrow for a date. I bought a new outfit. I'm excited.

I shall reduce my excitement by posting some really, really bad gift ideas. That way, if you didn't get anything this year, you can at least take comfort in knowing that at least you didn't get this crap.

 

 I don't mind lingerie as a gift AS LONG as your guy knows a) your size and b) that your bedroom fantasy doesn't involve an emu.

Speaking of emus. My brothers and I watched this repeatedly one night.

 

 I have yet to meet a single man who wants his wife messing with his underwear. I feel like guys are super particular in general and making his wear novelty boxers assaults his manhood. 

Plus, that's friggin' cheesy.

Not even once. 

 Fastest way to scare a guy away: Emblazon your love for him on your chest. 

Later, you can Photoshop what you think your kids will look like.

 Not only is drugstore celebrity perfume THE WORST, but have you actually smelled this stuff? Sorry, Beyonce, but your perfume smells like a sweaty man in a curry restaurant.

(Seriously, I'm sorry Beyonce I really love you let's never fight again, OK?)

 Sugar free chocolates? You can leave. Now.

At our last girl's night, my friend brought dirty conversation hearts (Love you, Jami!) And they were FILTHY dirty. But at least they had sugar. 

I brought some home so I could show my husband and the next morning my kids were like "OOH CANDY I WANT SOME" and I had to shove them all in my mouth really fast. 

This is my life.

 Just in case you ever wondered what it was like to "give" someone chlamydia, I give you stuffed STDs. 

And we all know what happens when you get chlamydia: 

Don't say I didn't warn you.

 Nothing like forcing your husband to love you on Valentine's Day

Because we all know that NO GUY buys this for himself.

Aww, it's the couple Snuggie! Just in case you were looking for a way to say "I no longer find you sexually attractive."

So we all know that Valentine's Day is basically a bragging a holiday: We get to compare our deep and everlasting love against the scale of our friends on Facebook. So I give you a safe space. What did you get? What DIDN'T you get? Are you wearing emu lingerie RIGHT NOW? Share with me, please. I'm just sitting here refreshing my UPS tracking number maniacally anyway.

**UPDATE: They came. And they are never coming off.**