5 Makeup Tips for Glasses-Wearers

Hey glasses-wearers, if you didn't figure it out from the title, this one's for you. I've had a loooooong history with glasses. I got my first pair in kindergarten, thanks to a raaaaging case of amblyopia, which is more commonly known as "lazy eye." The optometrist tried to correct it with the world's hugest glasses, which didn't work. Long story short, I lost almost all vision in my right eye. Even better is the fact that my left eye is nearsighted, which means I will have to wear glasses for forever.

And sometimes, when I'm really tired, I'll still go cross-eyed. It's very attractive. I call it my "bedroom eye." 

Another fun side effect is that I only have to buy contacts for one eye, which saves money and time. Although my husband makes fun of me mercilessly every time I only fill one side of the contacts case.

So when I'm not wearing my contact, my glasses are glued to my face. Usually first thing in the morning when I'm too tired and uncoordinated to poke a small lens into my eye. I just got new glasses a month or two ago -- you can see them here. I love 'em.

And while I love that glasses make it, you know, legal for me to drive, I don't love how they can sometimes magnify eye probs like puffiness and darkness. SO when I know I'm going to wearing my glasses out and about, I take special care with my eye makeup so it's all kosher and my glasses look more like an accessory and less like "It was the weekend and my eyes were tired and I was too lazy to put in a singular contact."

1. Brighten Up!

Darkness gets magnified by glasses, so make sure you conceal and brighten any dark spots. I always use a concealer that has a yellow or pink hue to counteract the blue and gray tones under the eye. But don't forget to brighten the upper lids too -- I feel like people often forget that when you're tired, your WHOLE eye area looks tired. After concealing, I dot a little shimmer (in pink or white) into the tear duct and then on the brow bone area.

eye brightener

2.Tame Your Brows

Fun fact: When I wear sunglasses and raise my eyebrows, I look JUST like my dad. Who my son thinks looks JUST like Tony Stark so basically I look like Robert Downey Jr.

ANYWAY, brows can look unkempt against the graphic shape of glasses, so make sure they're tamed. I wax mine and then cut 'em down because they are CRAZY. After that, I use a little hair pomade to put them into place and that's it. If you have sparse eyebrows -- which totally happened to me over the summer after a bad waxing incident -- fill 'em in with an eyebrow pencil first.

Also, I feel like a post on brow shaping may be in order. Yes?

eyebrow pencil

3. Get Matchy

No, don't match your eyeliner color to your frames, but DO match the thicknesses. It's the easiest way to create a proportional eye and make the whole process foolproof. If you have thin frames, you need thinner eyeliner to avoid looking like you're wearing a crapload of makeup. Thicker frames? Go for thicker eyeliner so your eyes don't get lost. My frames are a thick tortoiseshell so I like doing like, a plum liquid eyeliner. I used to wear thinner frames, though, and then I could get away with minimal liner and mascara.

eyeliner

4. Go Waterproof

Depending on how long your lashes are, they can leave annoying smudges on your glasses. And then you get all ragey. I have experience. Also, I find that I touch my eyes more when I wear glasses anyway, since I can take them off and rub my eyes -- not OK with contact(s). So I wear waterproof mascara when I'm also wearing glasses. No smudges. Also, no smudges when I sob watching YouTube videos of dogs meeting with their owners after they've been in Iraq. SO EMOTIONAL.

waterproof mascara

5. Wear Color

When in doubt, a bold lip balances out your face when you're wearing glasses.Whether you like a red or you'd rather go for some coral or pink, going for some color can help define your lips and make up for a lack of definition in the eye area. I prefer a gloss because lipstick gives me anxiety when it wears away. A stain works really well too!

red lip

So, where are my glasses-wearing girls? When I was a kid I was convinced that wearing glasses made me smarter, which explains why I peaked at like age 11 after I stopped wearing them regularly.

And yes, I still wear them when I want to look smart.

What I Wore: Leopard Love

You guys, I am dangerously close to overdoing it with the leopard. I just can't even handle how versatile it is and how you can use it like a neutral. I was looking through my closet the other day and it was just all leopard, all of the time. I think I need a new signature pattern. Because the last couple of times I've taken outfit pics, I've been wearing leopard and it seems weird to post them separately.

So you get both.

Outfit #1:
Cardigan: c/o mod bod (omg this please stop me from buying it) (similar) (obsessed)
Skirt: c/o mod bod (similar) (cheaper)
Boots: Crystal (similar) (awesome basic)
Necklace: Plunder (here)

Outfit #2:
Top: Chelsea & Theodore (here) (omg plus sizes. this with a pencil skirt? dead) (love this print)
(But seriously, faux wrap drape tops are EVERYTHING right now and crazy super flattering, so get one in your closet.PS I'm buying this one in black too I love it so much)
Jeans: Calvin Klein (here and seriously, they look good on everyone.)
Shoes: Mossimo (so pretty) (love this for fall)
Cuff: F21 (similar)


OK, so looking through all those clothes just made me want to buy more leopard, not less. Save me from myself please.


What's your favorite print? I'm partial to snake as well, I just don't have as much. Ooh and I love all things peacock.

OK, so just all animal prints, all the time.

Freaky Friday: So Fashion!

I'm always paging through magazines (whilst ignoring my children) and looking at gooorgeous couture. That I would never be able to afford/couldn't wear without getting McDonald's sweet and sour sauce splashed across the front/would look ridiculous wearing to a parent-teacher meeting. But while there are amazing pieces out there for people who have lots of money/don't have children/shop their feelings, there is A LOT of terrible couture that gets to go in the WTH files.

So the next time you're feeling bad that you can't afford that $5K mink hat, first remember that no one needs a mink hat and second, that a lot of people pay a lot of money to look reeeeeally stupid.

 In the market for some uncomfortable-looking pleather gym shorts? Wear these and you will literally sweat away the pounds AAAAND smell like plastic AAAAND have no friends.

 You know when you hear yourself saying something to your kids, like "We don't sell our brothers at the lemonade stand" and you're like "I feel like I shouldn't have to say this."

These would cause nonstop "Please stop licking my ankles. NO YOU MAY NOT have some of the fake candy on my $900 shoes."

Also, they had these styled with a business suit.

"I usually take women seriously when they wear candy shoes" said no boss ever.

 Oh good, I was looking for some boots wearing shoes.

This is a clutch. It's also an excellent way to look like a petulant teen even though you're a grown woman.

It's like a nice cashmere sweater and the ugly sweatshirt you had in the 80s had a forbidden romance love child.

A really ugly love child.

 For some reason, when I saw these $1K Stella McCartney boots, my first reaction was that they looked like a serial killer. A really mean one who like, pulls out people's fingernails.

Is that weird?

 Which may be better than these shoes, which look more like someone desperate for attention. Literally just any attention.

 This skirt is over $1K as well, which would be a good investment if you're in love with Crypt Keeper and want him with you ALWAYS.

 For when you want to look like you have an immaculately combed ladybeard.

 Like, I don't want to be mean or anything, but this dress kiiiiiind of looks like it was made of garbage and scraps from my mom's 1992 fabric bag.

She worked a lot with Christmas plaids.

 It's a sweater! It's a yeti!

It's a yetter! Or a sweati!

Also, it's like, $2K. It would probably be cheaper to just go hunt and skin your own yeti.

This dress was a Project Runway challenge, right? It's the only reason to make a dress out of what appears to be BamBam's loin cloth, a wooden dowel, some tin foil and a perfectly nice black halter top.


Feeling a little more relieved that you can't afford couture? I am. I'll gladly go back to shopping the sale rack if it means I don't have to pretend to like furry shoulders and beard shirts. You?

The 5 Jackets You Need for Fall/Winter

OK, so I'm having a love/hate relationship with the snow on my lawn right now. I hate that it came out of nowhere the minute after Halloween, but I love that my kids have spent every waking moment sledding on the hill behind our house while I stay inside and watch Love, Actually and cry.

Dat movie!

I also love layering, so that's one of the major pluses for colder weather. I love jackets and am always buying them, but it occurred to me that not everyone has an extensive jacket collection. And by "not everyone" I mean "no one."

Still, if you want to layer up during the colder weather without looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, it's a good idea to have different jackets for different purposes. I'll detail my must-haves, but know that I also have like, snowmobiling coats and whatnot that have no place here. They are for snowmobiling and that's it.

The rest though, you must.

Mossimo® Women's Faux Leather Moto Jacket -Black

a.n.a® Faux-Leather Jacket

MM Couture Moto Jacket

1. A Leather or Moto Jacket

These are by far my favorite type of jacket. I love how you can throw them over anything and there's an instant cool factor. I also love that they aren't a bajillion degrees so they're OK to wear shopping, even if they aren't super warm for like, a blizzard. I wear mine with skinnies and boots, but they're super cute over dresses and tights too.

I tend to splurge on classic colors, like brown, cream and black. Then I buy less-expensive colors, like red, maroon and yellow. The basic colors will always be in style and the brighter shades are just for funsies.

GUESS Jacket - Military Twill

American Rag Jacket, Hooded Military Cargo

Women's Zip-Front Military Jackets

2. A Military-Style Jacket

I wasn't all that sold on military jackets being a staple until my husband bought me one last year. Now it's in constant rotation because it goes with everrrrything I own. Look for a girly shape -- mine has cute drawstrings to cinch in the waist and I wear it with flats and skinnies. I also love wearing it with ankle boots and I try to keep 'em low. Too high and you'll actually look like you're in the military.

Calvin Klein Coat, Wool-Cashmere-Blend Pea Coat

BCBG Paris Coat, Double-Breasted Faux-Leather-Trim Pea Coat

D.E.P.T. Women's Classic Pea Coat

3. A Pea Coat

There's nothing worse than wearing a fancy dress and then covering it up with an ugly parka. OK FINE racism is worse. But not having a formal coat is like, a close second or third at least. Seriously though, there's a reason that pea coats have been in style for a century. They're classic. I have two in red and black and one of them was given to me -- I kid you not -- 11 years ago when I was a teenager living at home. Moral of the story: A good-quality wool pea coat looks amazing with dresses, skirts and boots and will last you forever.

Just take care when you choose the length. You want it to cinch in at your natural waist. If you have short legs, go for a shorter coat so it doesn't cut you off.

D.E.P.T. Women's Bomber Twill Parka

Buffalo by David Bitton Faux Fur Trim Camo Parka

Hilary Radley Faux Fur Collar & Tuxedo Trim Quilted Parka

4. A Warm Parka Type

I'm not dumb -- I live on a mountain. And while I value fashion, I also value warmth. So when it's freezing out, I pull out the big guns -- my parka. When you choose a parka, I think it's important to look for feminine details like a nice shape, faux fur -- whatever it takes so you don't look like the abominable snowman. I like a fur-trimmed parka with cuffs because driving my kid to preschool whilst cold is a nightmare. I also wear mittens because I'm 5.

Fox - Blockout Zip Jacket (Black) - Apparel

Columbia Double Plush Sporty Full-Zip Jacket

Obey - Varsity Lover Jacket (Burgandy) - Apparel

5. A Sporty Lightweight Jacket

I'm constantly running around town in workout clothes, either because I'm on my way to workout or because stretchy pants just sounded like a good idea that way. That's why I also look for a sporty jacket that I can wear with workout gear. I just bought a new one the weekend before last (the first one pictured -- only in red and black) and I'm wearing it now because I'm taking my spawn to the pool after lunch and I don't want to get dressed. Look for something lightweight enough that it'll take you from fall and then into spring again.

OK, all of these are just making me want to layer up and go crunch through some leaves with boots on like a child. Are there any jackets I'm forgetting?

What I Wore: The Great Pretender

Story time!

Yesterday morning my husband and I decided that we'd be lazy and stay in bed late, watch CBS Sunday Morning like a bunch of senior citizens and eat Cocoa Puffs. Our kids were out playing in the loft (our house has a big open area upstairs right outside our bedroom) and we heard a knock on the door.

Now, once a month, teenage boys come around to the houses in our neighborhood for church donations. Usually I have a cheque ready to go, hand it over and that's that. But I was still in my pajamas. And not like, cute pajamas, but like when you wear your husbands pants and shirt without a bra pajamas.

My kids came running into our room. "Someone's at the door!"

(Let me acknowledge the fact that my kids act like it's Santa Claus himself every time someone knocks. It's like having two rabid chihuahuas freak out at the mailman.)

I told them to just be quiet and pretend we're not home. Lying is OK to teach children, right? They wandered back into the loft. As I settled back into my news story about how they make crayons or something like that, I heard a creak on the stairs. My son was going down.

The next thing you need to know about my house is that the entire front is made up of windows. It's like living in a fishbowl. If anyone so much sets foot on the main floor, anyone from outside can see very clearly. Unfortunately, if I went after my son, those looking for donations would also see me. And it never occurred to me to just put on a bra and go downstairs and take care of it.

Instead I panicked. I called my daughter into my room. Just as I was about to ask her to go get her brother, I heard Andrew yell "MOM! There are boys on the porch!"

Strike one: If Andrew could see them, they could see Andrew. They now knew we were actually home.

I hiss-yelled at him to get back upstairs. Instead, he yelled "MOM! I don't want to pretend like we're not home anymore!"

Strike two.

Thanks, Andrew.

And, just to round the strikes out to three, I still refused to go to the door. At that point, admitting defeat and going down seemed worse. So I waited, hoping that our visitors would simply believe I'm a horrible mother who left my 4-year-old son on his own at home, rather than a horrible person who pretends to not be home and tells her children to lie. I have no idea what happened to them. I'm guessing after engaging in an awkward staring match with my child they left for home to tell their families all about it.

This is up there with the story of when one of my friends dropped by and my house was a mess and there was a dead goldfish on a bowl on the coffee table.

Moral of the story: Always call before you come to my house. Like, at least 30 minutes in advance.

I promise I'll clean up the dead fish and put on a bra.

Anyway, that was my weekend. We also went to the cabin and saw a terrible movie with our kids (seriously, wait to Redbox Free Birds), but it was all trumped by being outed as a pretender by my son to a couple of 15 year old boys.

Aaaand this is what I wore on Friday. The suffragette shirt is back in action!

Tee: Infamous (here but only in XS) (cute!) (similar)

Jacket: Old Navy (similar) (plus size!)

Cargos: Almost Famous (similar)(similar) (cute too) (on my wishlist)

Boots: Payless (here) (these are awesome) 

Aaaand I'm not wearing any jewelry.

Do you like how my story has nothing to do with this outfit post? Because I sure do.

Also, it snowed yesterday. Like real, stick to the ground and still going snow. So my boots are getting a good workout and will be until around March 2014. Hope you guys are ready!

Now, does anyone have a good "people dropped by and I was not ready for it" stories for me?

Winner Winner!

So I know some of you are having trouble with the site lately. There's been some issue with bot traffic. Sooo I think I'll probably be transitioning to WordPress sometime next week, so bear with me as we go through some serious growing pains. It's going to be all over the place.

Now, in the meantime I can just sit here and be glad that Halloween is officially over. By 9pm last night I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. A friend took my daughter out trick or treating and my son completely crashed and missed everything, but I still was glad when I could shut off my lights and hide up in my room.

But easily the best part of Halloween was when I took my kids and their cousins trick or treating and a man didn't have any candy, but asked if we'd like to come inside and look at his parrot instead.

I was so afraid that "parrot" was a euphemism for something.

It was just a parrot.

And it was still weird. 

So I'm extra glad to be announcing the winner of the trashy Halloween contest and put this year to bed. And after tallying up the votes, we have a TIE! Both the USB and the Twerkin' Teddy won for being the grossest costumes of 2013, so Heather and Lindsay, do me a favor and email me your addresses at nomoremomjeans at gmail dot com so I can send you your gift cards. You both have excellent taste. Or terrible taste. I can't tell.

All of these shenanigans have put me woefully behind for work and I have shopping plans in a couple of hours, so I'm going to sign off. Happy Friday everyone!

Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest 2013!

It;s still dark here, but I've been up for a while combing through submissions and bringing you the best ridiculously trashy Halloween costumes for this year.

For those of you new to the blog, each year, readers send in trashy costumes they find while perusing the web. I post them, we make fun of sad people who need to trick or treat with their ta-tas and we're all happy!  Except for the people who later on comment anonymously that I am a horrible person. But then we laugh at them and are happy again.

Then, we vote and the winner gets a Target gift card for being such an eagle-eyed and distinguished person. Shall we go ahead and get started? We shall!



Let's start with Rachelle's sexy skunk. Because nothing gets the old motor running like looking like you stink when you feel threatened. Can someone explain to me what is sexy about "Look out boys -- I might spray"?













Alison sent in sexy Marge here. Marge is sexy like, three times on The Simpsons and never was it in her green dress and heels. Also, the face doesn't work. She should be more cautions and annoyed than "come hither."

Also stop ruining cartoons.














"That's SEXY Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead TO YOU."

For future reference: Male character + skirt = Halloween character. Try it with other male characters, like Indiana Jones, Luke Skywalker and Peter Griffin from Family Guy. SO SEXY.

(Thanks, Sara!)














 Case in point: Sexy Ron Burgundy from Anchorman. Also, enjoy answering "Are you like, a hot Hermione?" from drunk guys all night long.

(From V.)





















Like, I don't want to sway your votes, but this one is my favorite -- from Heather.

It's a sexy honey badger.

As referenced by the poorly made hat, the obvious dress (do honey badgers wear dresses?) and the snake in the teeth.

Also, heels.... because sexy, duh!


















Heather also visits us from the land of subtlety, where she found this USB costume!

So the stick... goes into the port.... you guys are going to have to slow down, I missed 6th grade health.




















Jenna sent me a better picture of this costume, but I try to find manufacturer pictures instead to protect the poor people who think these are good ideas. So it was this, only without any body stockings. So yeah, now we're just going to parties naked.

"So what are you supposed to be?"

"You know, like a censor bar person?"

"So... you're sexy... sex?"



















"Excuse me, I was wondering if you knew where they were holding the party for destroying all innocence?"

(Thanks Lindsay!)



















So, at this point, do all sexy costume wearers just think ears have magical powers in making you look completely different?

Because this is the saddest Sexy Rainbow Dash costume ever. It's just a bikini top. And a skirt. And ears.

I... I just can't anymore.

Thanks for ruining my day, Jessica!

Sleeping Beauty makes me cry. Also, why is Tinkerbell the one with the most clothes on?

(Thanks, Meleah!)






And last but certainly not least is what will likely be the most overdone costume of all time. This website called it "Twerkin' Teddy." I call it "Too Early for me to Feel This Nauseous."

(Thanks Lindsay!)
















Alright, haters! Cast your votes amid the choruses of "You're just jealous!" Voting will end Nov. 1st at 12am and I'll announce who was the best trash-scouter of 2013 on Friday.

Happy Halloween!