Dressing Festively Without Looking Like a Christmas Tree Barfed on You

Blaaaaah the day before I head up to Canada is always bananapants. Yes I just made that word up and I'm pretty proud of myself.  I had a to-do list a mile long this morning and I am just plowing away through it all. But alas, I have not yet gotten "Write a blog," "Pay the Internet company so they don't shut off my reason for living," and  "find those motherfreaking kid-sized headphones so my kids are kept entertained on the plane" checked off the list yet. I'm updating this post as a way to check off the blog one. I'll keep you posted on the headphones.

Anyway, just a friendly reminder that "Festive Dress" doesn't mean "Dress like your demented Aunt Myrtle." It means sparkle and shine, not Rudolph and Snowman appliques. And, since party season is upon us (seriously, my calendar looks like a Christmas tree right now and it gives me anxiety) you're going to need to know how to dress for your hubby's work thingy, or a party with your gal pals. Ew, I just said gal pals. Shoot me.

Parties and luncheons strike fear in the hearts of many, when they are instructed to "dress festively" on the invite. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Well, I can assure you, that while the word "festive" may conjure up a lot of red and green and striping in your mind, no one at your party wants you showing up like an elf. Unless, you're having an Ugly Sweater Christmas party and that's the point.

Please, step away from the appliqued sweaters!



You do not teach grade three.

I know that during the holidays you want to dress as merry (or Hanukkah-y?) as you feel inside, but you can do this without resorting to dressing like you're five. Take a more sophisticated approach this year.

Of course, there's always that one person who is like "Whatever, I LIKE looking like the kooky Christmas fairy. It shows everyone my Christmas spirit." Wrong. It shows everyone your chemical imbalance and makes them feel uncomfortable and just the slightest bit sorry for you. Enjoy Christmas with your four cats, weirdo.

I don't think dressing festively means you have to wear your love for the holidays on your shirt, hat or underoos. I think that you can take a plain outfit in a neutral color, and dress it up to look special for the holidays. No light up earrings necessary.

Let's start with a well-cut, albeit plain dress by Alexander Wang.



Ah, what a lovely, blank canvas!

Then, add festive accessories that step it up.

When in doubt, add red OR green, but absolutely, positively NOT BOTH. Although, you might have a hard time finding green shoes, and even if you do, they might not be festive enough for people to "get it".

Love these shoes.


(BCBGirls)

And these earrings:



I'm totally kidding. Please don't ever. You are not a tree. Try these instead!




(Zappos) Much better and not so scary Christmas-y. And I freakin' love this bracelet and may sell my soul for it:


If you decide to do the red thing, choose TWO red accessories and leave the rest safety in your jewelry box. Let's not jam the red theme down all of the party goers throats, mmkay?

But you can mix other things with the red. The holidays are one of the time that I strongly advocate mixed metallics, especially when worn with a dark neutral like black or navy. They pop right off, and it's not something that is an every day thing, so it looks festive.



(Banana Republic)

(F21; you knew I had to put a little cheapie F21 ring in here, didn't you?)

A clutch is a must for any Christmas party. Sorry, large bag offenders. (Barney's New York)

Orrrr even if you don't want to get all glammed up with colors and metallics and Christmas sweaters and earrings shaped like snowmen, just be content to wear one , large piece that you wouldn't normally wear.



(Tilly's) I love this cuff bracelet so much that I made my husband come buy it for me immediately so that it was shipped in time for Christmas. AND it was $5 soooo yeah.


Let's redefine what the word "festive" means. To me, it means something just a little more unique than every day. Step away from the scary vest and mom jeans. Step toward the shiny things.

YAY! "Blog" is crossed off the list. Now to find headphones. I have a sneaking suspicion they're in my son's backpack, covered in melted chocolate. I'm tired. When I get home, I'm going to guilt-trip my mom into making food and taking care of my kids for me. Hooray for the holidays!

What I Wore: Casual Friday

I actually can't remember if I wore this on Friday or not. I think it was actually a Wednesday. But Casual Wednesday didn't have the same gimmicky ring to it and we all know I'm about the gimmicks.

Just the same, I just wanted to show you that sometimes, I dress waaay down. And I don't do my hair. And my house is messy and cropped artfully out of my outfit pictures. I believe this day I was doing nothing special except carting kids back and forth from school and making gingerbread cookies together, which turned out horribly. It was one of those things that you visualize being a precious memory and it was more like "ANDREW! Stop dumping flour everywhere! ADDIE! Why is there dough on the floor. ANDREW! No, the Easter Bunny is not a Christmas shape." I'm just glad it's over. Can I collect my good mom medal?

Top: A&F
Scarf: David & Young
Jeggies: F21
Socks: Target
Boots: Soda

 I bought these boots last week on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and they've been glue to my feet ever since. They're like my Steve Buscemi boat shoes -- ugly to the point of cuteness. I bought these to see if I liked them before investing in a more expensive pair. Yes, I want to invest.

I heart my American scarf. It's funny 'cuz I'm not American, right?

Ha! I also bought a new infinity wool scarf on Saturday while shopping with my Hubs. It went like this at checkout:
Checkout lady: Your total is $25 and since you spent over $20, you can pick a scarf for $5 if you want.
Hubs: No.
Me: What? It's $5!!
Hubs: She doesn't want one.
Me: Does it come in black?

And that's how I got a new scarf.

Please also note that I'm not wearing any jewelry in this shot. That's because I'm lazy on days where I just drive kids around. No one is going to see me but the other moms at preschool and I don't think they care what I'm wearing -- just that I apologize for my son making their child cry.

Freaky Friday

 Happy Friday guys! I'm in a weird mood today. Like, I need to go shopping for my entire family today for Fake Christmas next week and instead I'm looking at bad fashion online and listening to my kid watching "Sofia the First" because Tim Gunn is one of the voices. TIM GUNN. I love it. So yes. Freaky Friday, then more gloating over Tim Gunn, then shopping. I heart the weekend.

 These boots were listed as "Ugly, yet beautiful." No, no. They're just ugly. They look like a pot smoker's poncho, which I can only assume are experiencing a resurgence in Colorado.

 Hey, I want to be comfy in the fall too. But I also don't want to look like I'm wearing a wookie. It's a fine line, people. A fine line. 

 Yay! It's your new go-to cocktail dress. For a party with the Cirque Du Soleil. And everyone's dropping acid. 

Oh, JUMPSUITS. Let's see what Bearded '70s Gigalo has to say about this:

 ...Because one is enough... when it's YOU. 

...Fashion climax.

...Walking turn-on.

...She'll eat you alive in it.

...Treats your body. 

I'm dying.

...Dead

 

 Perfect for when you want long, droopy napkin in the front but a PARTY IN THE BACK. 

 You can totally hate me when I say I don't *get* Star Wars. In fact, I remember going to Episode 1 at like, midnight when I was 16 and I have no idea why. 

I also don't *get* hoodies that make you look like another person. Particularly when it has hair. I don't want my sweaters to already have their hair done, you know? 

 Add sheer miniskirts and glitter booties to other things I don't quiet understand. 

 My mom  -- the only person in the WORLD who still insists on sending everything to my 10 year old Hotmail account -- found these on Pinterest. MY MOM you guys. Even she knows that looking like a demented doll is weird. 

 Look like a demented panda instead! This reminds me of My Strange Addiction where the guy wanted to be a baby forever and had a hard time finding a woman who would change his diapers and feed him mush. YOU DON'T SAY?!

 Sara and Eileen sent over this laptop privacy sweater. Because, you know, NOT surfing dirty pictures in public is so hard.

And I saved the best for last. Dawn sent me this with a note that Yoko Ono is designing clothes now. I'm wondering when the whole mysterious Asian thing is going to wear off. Like, one day she just wakes up and is like wow, I just want to wear yoga pants and look at cat memes and eat Kraft Dinner today. And then people can stop acting like she's provocative and not just a crazy old coot.

I keep scrolling back up to look at Bearded '70s Gigalo and laughing hysterically. Dude is a smooth operator for sure. Print him off and stick him to your fridge for constant entertainment. You're welcome in advance. 

Alright, I'm off to gift shop. I love to gift shop. It gives me the warm fuzzies. Much like Bearded '70s Gigalo in his sassy white playsuit. Meow!

Winter Coat Love -- on a Budget!

Can I point out that this is my 501st post? I feel like I should do something special. Umm. I got nothin'.

That aside, I did want to take some time out of my busy schedule posting posed pictures of myself to talk about winter coats. Is it starting to get cold where you are? It's actually really warm here in Utah still. I'm mad because I just bought a new winter jacket and boots and they are in no way appropriate for wear yet. Darn. But! I'll be in Canada next week and they know how to do winter there, so I'm looking forward to some snow bunnyness.

Now, the main mistake I see in winter jacket wear is shapeless-ness. Puffy coats are warm, but they also make me question your gender, you know? I'm all for staying toasty warm during the cold months. I'm from a place where your nostrils froze together on the way to school. I get that. Just make sure you buy with warmth and style in mind and we should be good. Warm nostrils, pretty fashion -- what more could you ask for?

Hooded coat / Full Tilt hooded jacket / Long coat / Nobis / Mossimo Supply Co. Parka

I love me some parkas in the winter time. I used to have a green one but my husband hated it and I have a feeling it found its way to the charity bag. Nevermind, I bought a new white one last weekend -- it was on sale! When looking for mucho warmth, parkas are where it's at. Just look for girly details. I LOVE fur on the hood and toggles that let you cinch up the wist. Bonus if you get a bright color.

Faux leather jacket / Faux leather jacket / Black jacket / BB Dakota jacket / Faux leather bomber jacket

If it's a little cool but not exactly freezing, leather jackets are my go-to coat. I have an uber-high cold tolerance, so my leathers get a lot of love during the winter here. I have some that are real leather, some that aren't and I don't care either way as long as they're cute. Look for slimming details -- a streamlined cut and scuba -- or moto -- collar is super flattering. I love these with jeans and heels for date night too. Ca-yoot!

Belted pea coat / Pea coat / Precis Petite pea coat, $205 / Fur coat / Black swing coat, $48

If you want something warm but you don't want to look like you live in an igloo, you must own a pea coat. They NEVER go out of style and they're my fave with flats and jeans. So classic. My parents bought me my first pea coat for Christmas when I was17 and I still have it -- how's that for longevity. I have since bought a couple more, my fave being a bright red one. They're super warm and I wear them with everything.

Full Tilt / Red coat / Double breasted coat / Long trench coat / Leopard coat

Finally, if you're looking for something lighter and more formal, have a trench on hand. It's not exactly toasty, but it'll keep you dry on drippy, warmish days. Ew, drippy and warmish should never be used in a sentence together ever again. Sorry about that. REGARDLESS. I wear my trenches when I'm in skirts and dresses. There's just something about a trench with heels and usually when I'm dressed up, I'm only outside for two seconds anyway.

My advice would be to grab a range of jackets for the winter. You should have a wardrobe of different jackets on hand. I even have a super puffy ski jacket that I wear for snowmobiling. It's pink. It matches my pink helmet. Very important detail. If you don't have the budget for a closet full of coats, I would recommend you go with a pea coat for your all-around jacket, since it goes with both casual and dressy clothes. Then you can build out from there.

OK, all this talk about coats is making me wish for snow... um, anytime now, 55-degree Utah weather...

What I Wore: Farewell to my Peeps

Blaaaaaaah this day! I went to bed last night with an actual game plan and to-do list for getting back on track after the holidays. Umm guess what didn't happen. Instead, my neighbor's dog barked for like, three straight hours and then my son was up at 6 am. THEN! I got started on my work and my hubs woke up with stomach pains so I took him to the doc (he's fine but on good drugs yay!) So I'm just sitting down to take care of business and writing a blog post was at the top of the list. I obey the list.

How was everyone's holiday? Did you go shopping? Please tell me you went, just not on Thanksgiving. There's something ungodly about spending Thanksgiving fighting with strangers for legos, amiright? I did go out way early on Friday and then again on Saturday and I feel pretty dark good about my scores. My favorites might have been two things for me -- a new winter jacket and boots for waaaay cheap. I'll show you them another day. Don't worry, I shopped for my kids too. I'm heading up to the Great White North next week (is it me or does it seems like I'm NEVER home lately?) and still have to shop for my mumsy and whatnot. But still. Making headway here.

Another thing I bought for myself? This awesome-sauce leopard print sweater. I swear, there is something wrong with me. I won't say no to leopard. EVER. 

 Sweater: F21
Skirt: modbod
Shoes: Nine West
Bracelet: Heirloom 

Earrings: F21

It was super warm here yesterday so I took it as a chance to wear peeptoes for the last time before the snow hits. Farewell, peeptoes. Thank you for forcing me to repaint my toenails every once in a while. 

Also, yes, my Christmas stuff is up. I love. 

Oh accessories, I love you. Go figure that my one pair of shoes in oxblood -- the fall color de jour -- are being put away for the winter. I'm so not stylish. Don't listen to anything I say.


Alright, I have a list a mile long to get to so I'd better seize the day and actually do something. Some housekeeping notes: Keep an eye out for the Fossil winner. Fossil is choosing from the links provided and they'll let me know when someone has been selected. Also, check back on Wednesday for a primer on winter jacket selection oh I know you're excited.

My Fave Jeans Du Jour

So I usually have an outfit post on Mondays, but when I did take an outfit picture on Saturday it was too dark and I'm not actually sad -- I was wearing something cute and I want to wear it to Thanksgiving so it'll be like I never wore it at alllllll mua ha ha.

But, I did want to tell you about my favorite pair of jeans du jour. See, a town near mine opened a Costco. I don't have a Costco membership because my family is teeny and I just never ever go. But I have crazy friends who wanted to go over and so I met them there to poke around and eat free samples because I'm a classy lady. Anyway, I'm SO glad I went because it was there I found my favorite jeans ever. I KNOW! Costco, who knew? I loved them so much that me and my friend both bought a pair and then she went back the next day and got us both a pair in black. Now literally all of my friends have them and we're all different sizes and all in love. One of my friends even bought them for her daughters.

Here they are: Calvin Klein Powerstretch.
(That was the only website I could find selling the exact pair I got... the CK site has them in different colors if you're interested.

Anyway, dark wash? Check. Little bit of Spandex so they don't droop off your butt at the end of the day? Check. Different lengths? Hallelujah, check (Though I'm short, I have daddy long legs and pants never fit right) Butt lift? Oh yes. Perfect straight leg fit? Mmhmm.

And the best part? They were a mere $20 at Costco! If you're near one, I seriously recommend these babies. They run VERY true to size and might even fit a bit large. I bought my normal size and could have gone down one if I'd wanted them tighter. Anyway, I'm in love. I wanted to share that love with you, especially for the cheap factor.

And FYI, CK did not compensate for this post. I just wanted to share with my readers. These jeans make me TOO happy. And they will definitely accommodate for Thanksgiving food on Thursday. I've already got mind locked and loaded for pumpkin pie and sweet potatoes.

Freaky Friday

Is it me or have we not done a Freaky Friday lately? All of that Halloween and vacation stuff threw me off. And I had a folder full of good material just begging to be made fun of. I shall not let it down.

 

Like this body suit... that wishes it was a bikini. Doesn't it look like one of those swimsuit coverups that old ladies wear that have a hot body painted on them? I can't think of a time where I was like "Gee, I wish I could wear a swimsuit but also a sweater."

 What is with these bodysuits? This one looks like her top half is in jail. Free the boobs!

 I've seen many an ugly boot in my day, but this is among the top winners. Garbage bag material? Check. Clod-hopper bottoms? Check check. Least flattering cut that makes your feet look like hooves? YAY!

 I had a ton of readers send me a whole slew of super scary shoes with gun heels. GUN HEELS. These ones also have snake heads on them to say "Not only am I terrifying human being, but I will literally eat your head if you look at me the wrong way."

 The cow hoof ones are a little gentler. I think they say, "You can take the girl out of the country, but then she'll obnoxiously sing along with every Shania Twain song and tell everyone how country she is and you'll never hear the end of it." At least I think that's how the saying goes. 

 Oh good! Sad adult baby diapers with stangely-placed bum flaps. PERFECT.

 I believe seven different readers recognized these monstrosities and sent them my way. It's like someone trying to out-gangster another person. You think you wear your pants low? MINE ARE AT MY ANKLES. Word.

 Of course, this would be on the other side of things. I'm sorry, but at this point, wouldn't you just wear actual jeans? 

 

I got these from Aly. These look like a faceplant waiting to happen. Why do designers consistently want women to fall down and have embarrassing moments in bright, look-at-me shoes? 

Oh, I'm sure Elle Fanning is a darling girl,but this outfit gets worse as you scroll down. It's like 

Shoulders: OK, I like the color, pretty fabric. 

Middle: Umm alright I can get on board with those please I guess. 

Skirt: OK you're losing me here, Elle. 

Shoes: What in the blue blazes are you doing with rockets strapped to your feet? 

(Thanks Lindsey. See? It was Lindsey who made me do it! Blame her!) 

Now I'm off to be struck by lightening for criticizing a teenager. I'm a monster. It was nice knowing you.