Freaky Friday Don'ts

Yay, another installment! I love trolling the interwebs for ugly clothes. I find them in abundance!!



These shoes look like Pocahantas on E. What the heck do you even wear them with?




This was listed as a peasant top. WHAT PEASANT WEARS THIS? I think it should be listed under "cracked out flamenco dancer who is seriously misplaced." This is one of those shirts that a girl might see you in and be like ooh, fashion-y. And then ANY male will see you and just become confused.



K, let me explain something to you. Katy Perry may wear these shoes in her music video. You are not Katy Perry in a music video. Even SHE looks a little like "Really? Gold high tops? Alright, if you say so..."




Most, Unflattering . Shirt. Ever. Again, say it with me... if it makes the mannequin look fat, it will MOST CERTAINLY make you look fat too.





Beam me up, Scotty!



Easily the most UNREMARKABLE shirt I've ever seen in my life. It has scalloped edges! SCALLOPED! WHY?





For those who love their bodies, but just wish they had a
little" more saddlebags. I've been there.



Hahahahahaha....


Hahaha.

Found this under "Tops". For the first time, I will have to beg to differ. This shirt is a top like my miniature schnauzer is a real dog. Its ridiculous to even say such a thing.

PS her boobs look like the were molded out of kindergarten play dough. Just sayin'.

Enjoy your weekends and shop happy my disciples!

Putting It Together - The Skinny Jean

Ah, the controversial skinny jean. I hate when people say things like "Only skinny people can wear a skinny jean." or tell you to ALWAYS stick with bootcut. Yeah guess what? Sticking to one fashion concept always is borrrring. And I love the skinny jean. It took me a good month to work up to even trying the things on, and since then I've been fairly addicted. I love me a skinny jean. They are so trendy that no matter how you style them, they always look super fashion forward. And they are crazy versatile in the way you can dress them up and down.

There are a few different ways I like to wear my skinny jeans. Now let me put up this disclaimer; while I am typically on the smaller side, I have a good sized booty. Not gonna lie, I'm a little proud of it. So, mushbelly asked if you an wear skinny jeans if you have a butt and the answer is YES! Skinny jeans are all about balance. Once you find the right balance, ANYONE can wear them.



Now remember this one tip - always buy skinny jeans one size bigger than you would a regular pair. That way you aren't trying to stuff yourself into them, causing you to feel depressed and eat two Cinnabons. I'VE BEEN THERE. Start big, and if you need to go down a size, good on you! Also remember that skinny does not mean tapered. Skinny jeans have a stovepipe leg that is straight all the way down, and are cut close to the body. If you aren't sure whether the jeans you are looking at are tapered or not, take a cue from my boy Clinton Kelly and fold the jean leg up from the knee and see. If it is the same width, you have a winner. If the bottom of the jean leg is smaller, boo, put it back. Tapered jeans are not for moms.


K, so here is a few ways to rock the skinny jean.





















Okay, here is how you balance out the skinny-ness of the jeans with a blousy top and a boot. The blousy top counteracts how close the jeans are cutting on your leg, and the boot adds some heft at the bottom; the same kind of heft you'd get in say, a pair of bootcut jeans. Get a boot with a bit of a heel, but don't go crazy with it. I have like 6 pairs of knee high boots and my fave pair? From Payless. lol. Add a slouchy bag and a cute earring, and you have a perfect girl's night out type outfit. Shirt and earrings from F21, bag from Zappos, boot from, you guessed it, Payless.











This is how to do a skinny jean in an every day, grocery shopping/PTA meeting type setting. Start with a plaid shirt, but choose one with girly elements, like this one with a waist tie. Choose boots this time that are riding boots; almost no heel and masculine details like buckles. Pair it with a sunny bag that makes this NOT look like you're a farmhand. SO freakin' cute. These boots are by Madden, but I love Frye Harness ones too. Bag from Shop Suey, Shirt from F21.














Now this is a little bit more daring way to wear your skinny jeans. But if you've got em, and feel comfortable in them, this is how to do it. This is how I would recommend you wear them if you DO have a booty and don't mind showing it off a little. Consider the top (from Charlotte Russe). Its longer than your regular run of the mill shirt. You want one that stretches at least down to your hip bone. Because the shirt is longer, you're not going to do a boot... you do both and you'll have like 3 inches of actual jeans showing. Instead, do it with a serious stacked heel, just bring the cuff of your skinny jean down over them as far as they'll go. Pair with some sweet jewelry, and I would totally wear this to a concert or on a really good, non movie date. Or anytime I want to show up other girls. Don't act like you don't do it too. Shoes and accessories from F21.


You can do skinny jeans with flats, but choose this route only if you have a more boyish figure and are comfortable with it. Because flats don't give any substance at the foot, it looks a little top heavy on plus sized girls, or girls with less-proportionate bodies.


But TRY this. Work up the nerve to give it a shot in all the different ways to wear it, and I promise you'll like it. Fear the skinny jean no more!

Putting It Together - The Super Hot Date Night Jean

K, so its not secret that I love to get dressed up. When I'm not hanging around in my WWF t-shirts, I am totally all gussied up in my finery. Honestly, I just like the way it feels when you're like "Oh hey, Mirror. Whatcha doin? Reflecting my hotness? That's pretty cool."

And you get the strut. You know what I'm talkin bout. The special walk reserved for when you look good and you know people are looking at you. If you're reading this, its probably because your a mom and that means you have a husband or significant other that you've had around for quite some time. My husband and I are celebrating our 6th anniversary this year, and we've been together for 7. Yeah. It is WAY too easy to fall into the old go out for pizza/watch a movie that may or may not be animated because you have kids with you/ go home and fall asleep date night. I have two words for that.

THATS LAME.

Why not surprise your guy with a real date night this weekend? You know, the kind where you get a babysitter, head out to a place you've never tried before, do something fun. Even if its just walking around the mall *ahem*togoshopping*ahem*, dress up to do it in your hot date night jeans. Spark a little somethin somethin.

And because I love you, I'll you a sweet look and a spicy look, so you can adjust depending on where you're headed off to.
















K, Sweet. Start off with this retardedly adorable shirt from Forever21. Love it...its sleek but super feminine. Then you add your date jeans and a super simple shoe because the top is so ornate. Go easy on the accessories when you really want the top to stand out. Its so pretty it practically is an accessory. I love metallic with black, so we've got a vintage clutch by Letty Designs and earrings that reflect the lace from Charlotte Russe. That's it.

K here's a bit of a spicier look. This is pretty typical of something I would wear out. The shirt is really simple and plain but cut well. That means you can do more in the way of really cute shoes (MakeMeChic.com), a seriously layered necklace and rock star ring (F21) and of course, a clutch. I love this one's texture, and the fact that its a monochromatic shade of the top, but isn't matchy to anything else.

So! Your mission this weekend is: 1) buy hot clothes 2) go on a non lame date.

Return and report.

Putting It Together - The Weekend Jean

So I was in a total quandary on Friday because I was like ah! The weekend is coming! And didn't know whether to post the weekend jean because you might be slummin' it all weekend, OR post the date night jean in case you had a hot date, so I just put them both off in favour of eating Mini Eggs instead. I figured I'd get them both this week so you'd have CHOICES. Don't you love me? I do.

Anyhow! Weekend jeans. I love them so much. I love putting on a pair and making an outfit that is kind of vintage-y and worn in, but still looks put together and intentional. Let me profess to you my love of graphic t-shirts. One of my best friends, Katie, is constantly making fun of my love for shirts with weird graphics on them. I have them all... Beatles tees, word tees, Nintendo tees, Big Pimpin' tees (lol!), World Wildlife Fund tees. Whatever. I love them. I think they are great for weekend wear and they are usually very fitted and look pretty adorable. So I tend to pair my weekend jeans with a vintage graphic tee, my super cute white moccasins, and call it a day. Observe.

Okay, here are your weekend jeans. They are totally stonewashed and worn in. Holes are a-ok here. AGAIN, I really hate that whoever styled this picture put them with brown heeled boots, so IGNORE.

A really cute graphic tee. The trick to doing a plain fitted tee? Buy it one size larger than you usually wear. DON'T buy it to be skin tight like in years past. You want it to look casual and whatever-ish. Let there be some extra fabric and it'll be just right. Remember the things you do on the weekend; shop, run errands, work on house projects, whatever. Its meant to be functional, and if you're constantly tugging on your shirt because its too tight, you lose.

K, I tried to find a set of mocs that look like the ones I have but no such luck. But I am totally okay with a nice, CLEAN, white flip flop. Just don't let them be platform flip flops, please! They are atrocious.

As for bags, I love something more messenger-y when you are going so casual. A regular handbag will look out of place. I am in love with this Juicy one...sling it across you body and stuff it full of weekend essentials. Let me point out that if you find a good messenger bag you love. BUY IT. They are crazy versatile. Not only can you use it on the weekends, but they are great diaper bags, carry-on bags for traveling, you name it.

Now, jewelry with such a casual weekend jean is weird and I don't recommend it. But if you MUST, try something with a little bit of a harder edge. My husband got me this Marc Jacobs leather bracelet a couple Christmases ago, and I love to wear it as my ONE piece of jewelry when I'm otherwise dressed casually. The leather and metal combo is a better option than say, something silver or gold, or even bright and plastic.

Okay, so sorry for abandoning you last weekend, but it was Easter anyhow, so you were probably all dressed in your finery. However try it this weekend. You guys know how much I hate schlubby dressers... this is how to be secretly schlubby so I won't judge you.

Putting it Together - Everyday Jeans

K, so we've talked about jeans and we've talked about must haves for your wardrobes. Now it is go time. Lets put some of these outfits together so you can see what I mean when I talk about having the right outfits for the right occasions, right down to the handbag and shoes. I'm going to break it into a few posts because it'll be kind of picture heavy and lets face it, then I get a bunch of posts out of this topic.

Anyway, here's the formula for the Everyday Jeans.

Everyday Jeans + non-boring but casual shirt + cute flats + everyday purse = non-mommy goodness. Observe.

How adorable is this shirt?? Its super interesting but still is easy to chuck on and look insta-ready, and it floats away from the body, keeping is super flattering. I actually might need to purchase this one. Come onnnnnn tax refund - I need my spring shopping fix! (Forever21)

Of course, the jeans. These are Sevens, and they are fantastic.


K, how much do I love these flats? Of course I love a black and white outfit with a little red, but you can totally do a black flat or whatever else you want. I think a yellow one would also be freakin' adorable.

Love this for an everyday bag. What makes it good for everyday? Couple things. 1) Its size. I like a bad that is at least 13" wide to haul all mine, my daughter's and my sons crap around in and 2) the neutral colors that will match anything and 3) The shape. Not too formal, totally casual. I say have a bunch of everyday bags. Remember when we talked about just having a clutch with your important stuff in that you can just transfer from bag to bag? Do it! (ShopSueyBoutique.com)


I love the idea of tying in the shoes with something un-obvious like a belt. You'll just get little peeks of it here and there and its less "HEY! I MATCH MY SHOES-ish" than doing a big necklace or something, you know?

Now how easy was that? I never ever want to hear that you don't have time to look cute. This is literally five things to put on. If you don't have that much time. you should probably just stay at home anyway.

The Denim Wardrobe

K, so I have previously expounded upon the merits of owning a jeans wardrobe. This means having a pair of jeans for just about every occasion and every outfit. Too many moms buy their one stinkin' pair of Lee's and think they are in good shape. NO. You should have multiple pairs of jeans in different cuts, styles and washes so that you can get the full mileage from your wardrobe. Some shoes and shirts will not go with your one pair of jeans. EXPAND your denim wardrobe.

So here are the jeans I think every woman should have in their closet. Take it as you will, but I've spent alot of time cultivating my own jeans wardrobe and it is finally at peak perfection. I have jeans to wear with EVERYTHING in my closet. And it feels goooood.

Lets also have a quick reminder about pricing. Jeans can be crazy expensive right? And some jeans, I'll recommend you do invest in. However, "fashion" jeans that you just buy to match stuff can be cheap. Don't spend more than $50 on them. Love em and leave em when they go out of style. That way you don't feel guilty.

Here we go!

The Everyday Jean

This is the pair of jeans that I really do recommend you spend money on. Because they are literally the everyday jean, you'll find yourself pulling them out of the closet as your standby. I love my everyday ones, they make getting dressed pretty effortless. They look good, they are casual enough to wear with plain stuff but still cute enough that I can top them with a jacket if I need to dress them up a bit. Everyday jeans should fit PERFECTLY. Mine are tailored because I have a little waist but a big booty, and I always have to go up a size to fit. So buy your everyday jeans knowing that you can alter them. Fit the widest part of you and then tailor in the rest. Choose a MEDIUM wash, and a regular bootcut leg and you'll get tons of mileage out of them. Now, inseams. If you wear mostly heels as your everyday shoe of choice, choose a 33" or so inseam. If you tend to wear flats, you can go with a 31".

The Weekend Jean

I loved my weekend jeans. They were perfectly worn in and holey and there was even a hole in the butt so big that I had to cover it up with a Care Bear patch until some creepy old man gave me a thumbs up and said "Care Bears, eh?" and I retired them. But I got new ones! And they are almost at their perfect worn-iness. Weekend jeans are those really comfy light washed ones (NOT ACID) that go with all of your concert tour t-shirts. I totally can get behind a good pair of weekend jeans, because they usually fit you the best. If you don't have a pair that you are grooming to be some weekend jeans, choose a looser fit, light washed pair and wear them every weekend until they just wear out. Perrrrrfect. Funny story. In high school, while searching for the perfect worn in jeans, I took a cheese grater to a good pair and there was denim stuck in the grater forever. Sorry mom! Anyways, love these but hate that shes wearing them with heels. Don't do heels with your weekend jeans. Hem them so you can do flats or flip flops.

The Totally Rockin' Date Jean

These are the jeans that you wear when out with your significant other that just make your body look INSANE. They should be as dark a wash as possible, hemmed at a 33" because you are definitely wearing them with heels. I must confess, I buy alot of date jeans. They are just super attractive. Also good for parties, work functions, and showing up old boyfriends so they regret ever breaking up with you. Listen; do not buy a date jean because it is trendy. The only time to buy it is if you look in the dressing room mirror and actually look so good you become attracted to yourself. Got it?

The Skinny Jean

I KNOW you have mixed feeling about the skinny jean, and why wouldn't you? They are a fickle, fickle beast. But once you find a pair you LOVE, buy them. Skinny jeans are awesome to do longer shirts and flats with, or of course, my favourite - boots. You must have a pair of skinny jeans to attempt jeans over boots, otherwise you WILL look like a pirate. Remember that skinny does NOT mean tapered. True skinny jeans have a straight, stove pipe leg. Try buying them one size up from your normal size so as not to become severely depressed when you try and wiggle into them.

**BONUS**
The Trouser Jean

The trouser jean is a huge crowd pleaser, but people tend to not think about it. However its SUPER easy to wear and looks good on just about anyone. I don't consider it a jeans staple, per se, but I think its adorable and if you're looking for something new, try it. LOVE.

Now, a word about Boyfriend Jeans. They are totally popular right now, and I like them in the way I like Weekend Jeans, for their kind of adorable sloppiness factor. HOWEVER, I don't approve of pegging them, it looks gross and kind of 80's but not in a retro cute way. Don't stumpify your legs by cutting them off with a huge roll. If you're going to do Boyfriend Jeans, do them with girly versions of what your "boyfriend" would do. A cute graphic tee and some sneaks.

K, so I hope you're all ready to start spring shopping and expand your demin wardrobe. Having a complete one totally takes away the "What am I going to wear." Its an instant outfit. Take appropriate jeans, pair with like-themed shirt and call it a night. Voila!

(All jeans found at Nordstom Denim Shop)

Freaky Friday Don'ts

Oh how I've missed scouring the Internets for ugly clothes. The things I turn up!!


For a romantic, yet casual, dinner date with Boss Hogg.


Did you know the French actually find it offensive when you yell "Garcon!" at a restaurant? I'd be offended if I wore this and didn't get yelled "Garcon!" at.



K, story time. So I had this childhood friend (Who I am desperately hoping does NOT read this blog) who's mom was like the biggest cougar OF ALL TIME. She would come home from work in one of these babies and her leather jacket and make dinner dishes that were like spaghetti in a wine sauce with wine appetizers and a glass of wine. And she would get drunk and teach me and me ten year old best friend about how men were bad and you don't need nobody to take care of you. Moral of the story; wear something like this and I'll imagine that you prey on young, supple teenage boys because you like being a sugarmama. Leopard + bustier is scary. PICK ONE SEXT AT A TIME, coug!




From the Laura Ashley "I give up on trying to look attractive" collection.



This shirt was labeled "Bold Floral." Really? Because thats not what I imagine when I hear the word bold. Its what I imagine when I hear "Now, what can I wear with my white keds and mom jeans?"




I'll take "How to look pregnant even though I am a statuesque supermodel" for 800, Alex.





Scariest. Pants. Alive.