Smoke and Mirrors

So I was driving around with a friend the other day, and we were discussing how we both needed to get into shape because swimming season is like, next month despite the fact that I live on a flipping mountain and I'm fairly sure it will never stop snowing, ever. Anyway, she made a comment about my being in shape and I almost laughed out loud. I know for a fact that my love of Big Macs and Mini Eggs will never allow me to be one of those intimidating hard-bodied workout types. It's just not me.

Still, I workout and *mostly* eat well, but the rest is all done with clothes. I completely believe in the power of clothes to trick the eye and make me look thinner than I really am. Plus, as a teenager, I had two best friends who were impossibly tiny and I still think of myself as the chubby one. I know I'm not chubby, but teenager stuff like that NEVER goes away. So I obsess over smoke and mirrors to get in shape without having to hit the gym. It's all about the instant gratification, baby!

Want my secrets? Ooookay. But first I will point out that anyone who knows me in real life will now know the jig is up and see that I only fake being in shape. Boo.

Scarves

When I'm feeling a little chubby 'round the old middle, a scarf is the fastest way to bring the eyes up to the face. Plus, it's long enough that it lengthens out the whole torso so everyone wins. Seriously though, it's also the fastest way to look fashionable without doing anything. I wear a scarf when I'm in a white tee and jeans and don't feel like putting anything else together. Skinny and fashion forward? I'll take it! Just look for gauzey scarves. 10 points if it's the color or this one from Lorisshoes.com because I heart it.

Wide Belts

After my second pregnancy, when my body didn't do the old bounceroo back into shape like the first time around, I took to wearing wider belts a lot of the time. And people would be like "Hey, how'd you get into shape so fast?" But really I'd just tucked it all in. Is that gross? Anyway, a wide belt can really camouflage a larger belly AND create a middle when you lack one. The big trick is to ensure that it isn't too tight. Sausage belts are a pet peeve of mine. Let it hug you, not squeeze you. There's a difference. Ask a boa constrictor. (F21)

Dresses


I wear dresses all. the time. Not only do they make me feel super feminine, but they make me look skinny, so bonus. It's because dresses create a long, uninterrupted line on your body so you look overall leaner. If you really want to go for full skinny potential, look for an a-line dress like this pretty one from Ruche. Add a little cardigan and how cute and svelte are you?

Trickster Shoes

Nude pumps are the equivalent to Bridget Jones' scary granny panties in the sense that they create this glorious illusion that is in no way true. While I have fairly long legs, the rest of me is pretty stumpy (seriously, my arms are so short that I can't touch my toes when stretching. It has nothing to do with flexibility, I swear) but when I put on a pair of nude pumps, I suddenly have these crazy long, slender legs and actually look something akin to statuesque. Of course, then I come home and put on my polka-dot cow socks and the illusion is utterly ruined, but I got it for a few hours, right? Look for nude pumps that have an open design. Straps and buckles need not apply. (PiperLime)

Structure


Structure can help lock and load your body so you look more put together. Wearing empire waist shirts and loosey goosey pants is all well and good, but when you're having a fat day, forget about it. Stick with button up shirts, blazers and more tailored pieces. And how adorbs is this Buckle blazer. I would be lying if I said I wasn't considering going to the mall and buying it immediately. Tailored clothes like this will shave inches off of your frame (not literally, that would be super dangerous) and nip in your body so you look tinier. Seriously. If I'm wearing a blazer, you can be sure that I binged on Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies the previous night and am making up for it via clothes.

Oh clothes, you never fail me.