Freaky Friday Don'ts: I forgot to post this when I wrote it so you're getting it on Sunday edition

Yeah, I wrote this whole post and decided to save it and then I was looking at my stats and was like WHY is no one giving me love for my Friday post?? And, after crying for a little while. realized it was still sitting as a draft.

I'm smart. So, a couple of days late, I bring your your Freaky Friday/Sunday Don'ts.

With the fall comes a lot of clothing catalogs to my house. Have I ever expressed to you how much I LOVE catalogs? Even for places I would never buy anything at. I was watching the Today show once, and they were saying to save the planet, you should visit some website to cancel the catalogs that you get, because they kill trees and whatnot, and I was like "Why would I want to do that, Matt Lauer? I mean, I love you, I do. But you say some stupid things sometimes."

Without catalogs, I would have to make conversation with my family at breakfast time. That's lame.

So I love to peruse catalogs and pick out horrifically bad stuff. This time I actually looked up item numbers on retail sites to bring you actual things I found in my catalogs and my mental first impressions.


To buy this dress, you'd need a severe multiple personality disorder. Like hmm, if only I had a structured DENIM work dress to show that I'm powerful, but then have it bleed fabric to show my softer side. Ah! Perfect!



This is what happens when two trends are combined to go horribly wrong. It's a plaid peasant blouse. I'm sorry, what peasant would be wearing PLAID? I don understand it at all. Plus with the hat too? Why does that model look so smug? YOU'RE IN A CATALOG!


I saw this jacket and laughed. For a few reasons. One, is it 1998 and are you being ostracized by your classmates or something? And two, this makes anyone look like a creepy vampire. And not in the sexy, Twilight vampire way, but in the "I ACTUALLY think I'm a vampire" way. Not cool. ORRR you could be in the Matrix. Whatever. Either way you slice it, long, leather trench coats are weird.


Two words. Fleece. Leopard. Two more words. DON'T. EVER.


I actually don't mind the shape and style of this sweater IN THEORY, I just think it makes you look like your boobs are growing a rose garden. But hey, if that's the look you're going for, then right on, sistah! But don't get mad when someone tries to stuff plant food down your bra.


Can you believe this was in a catalog NOT for Harley mamas? They should have a clause underneath this: Must have rose tattoo on gross place like chest, neck or ankle to wear. Also must enjoy chaps.


And for a special treat, a serious designer don't. My man Alexander McQueen did a runway show with no heel under ten inches. SERIOUSLY. What is with the creepy lobster claw slash weird and oppressive bound food shoe?? I SWEAR ON ALL THAT IS HOLY THAT I WILL LOSE MY FAITH IN FASHION IF THIS COMES IN STYLE. Mark my words guys. The minute Payless starts carrying these I am closing up shop and you can get your fashion tips from someone else. Because I'll be going to THROW MYSELF OFF OF A CLIFF.

So. much. rage.