An Open Message to Anyone Who Isn't a Mom This Mother's Day

*** This is a repost. I'm giving your babydaddy extra time this year. Just print this out and leave it on his pillow and then collect your prize on Mother's Day. Or I'll punch him in the arm and as the sister of four brothers, I have an excellent arm-punch. Check back tomorrow for some gift ideas! ***

Yesterday, I asked what my friends were wishing for on Mother's Day over on my Facebook page. I was planning on doing a post about gifts and wish lists, but I changed my mind after I saw some of the responses. Instead, I'd like to write a letter to everyone BUT moms on this mother's day.

Feel free to forward this to your significant other or adult children with my regards.

(Disclaimer: This is not directed at my own husband, who is actually quite good at Mother's Day)

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Hey, you.

Remember that time that you gestated another human being in your uterus?

Oh, you never did that? That's because you're not a mom. I feel like creating life, in and of itself, should be a reason for a "Hey, thanks for making me alive," or "Thanks for creating our children" gift come Mother's Day each year.

If that isn't enough for you, how about a "Hey, thanks for getting that baby out of your body despite the fact that both birthing options are kind of horrifying" gift?

Let's face it: Pushing a baby out of your lady business or being cracked open like an egg isn't exactly a day at Disneyland, k? It's work. In fact, sometimes they even call it labor. Not only does it hurt like a motherfletcher, it makes you feel all kinds of fat. So let's remember that.

And don't worry, I've got adoptive mothers covered too. Because it's not like taking on the responsibility of somebody else's biological child is a big deal or anything. 

Still not enough for you to throw a little something together for your significant other or mom on MD? First, you're a huge jerk. Second, moms are entirely responsible for making sure that their kids are functioning members of society. Instead of golfing on the weekends or being the "fun parent," we read boring books on parenting styles and worry if our kids pick their noses too much to ever be successful. And while sometimes it's fun to shape a human being, a lot of the time it just plain sucks. Because one day, when that kid pushes another one at the playground, whose fault is it?

You guessed it, his mom.

We also get blamed for serial killers. Try that on for size.

Sure, moms get lots of hugs and kisses, but they also have to deal with a lot of crap. And exactly zero of it is like a Gerber commercial. Instead, they:
- Clean up more human feces than anyone should ever have to.
- Make dinner four times over because Becky doesn't eat meat and Dad hates salad.
- Go to work and feel guilty and ostracized by the "Mommy and Me Happy Adventures Club" that she'll never get to join.
- Keep the house mildly presentable so as not to alert CPS.
- Fish stuff out of the toilet.
- Try to get the kids to calm down at bedtime because dad decided to play a round of living room football, despite the fact that Mom has been counting down the seconds till bedtime so she can do the laundry.
- Do the laundry.
- Deal with teachers and the school system as a whole. Worry about testing scores in preschool and stress over the lunch menu and whether or not she'll be judged by not making an all-organic bento box instead of just paying for the stupid chicken nuggets.
-Make daily choices that will affect another human being's future. 
- Feel guilty any time she's away from kids. That includes while using the bathroom.
- Give up all privacy rights, even when showering. Especially when showering.
- Deal with anyone and everyone who wants to voice their opinion on how she's doing her job as a parent. Thanks, stranger, but I *know* tantrums in Walmart aren't ideal.
- Find friends for play dates that aren't annoying, smelly, bratty, angry, or mucus-y. It's harder than you think.
- Be sexy. No, you try being sexy directly after using a booger sucker dealie on your congested kid. It's disgusting.
- Feel guilty because our homes aren't done up with turquoise blue DIY tables, owl accents, and handmade wreaths that are changed out for every season. 
- Be an all-star photographer. Then blog all of the cute stuff kids do without ever complaining that all you want is a nap.
- Give up the idea of a full night's sleep for the next 18 years at least. 
- Know that no matter what you're doing, you should be doing something else. If you're making lunch for the kids, you should be balancing your checkbook. If you're working, you should be at a soccer game. If you're staring your child right in the eyeballs to lovingly give him all of the attention he needs, you should be getting romantical with your spouse.
- Are told - ad nauseum - that we should enjoy every little moment that ever happens in the history of our motherhood. Yeah, when my kid barfs on my shirt, there's nothing I want to do more than get out the Kodak and write about it in my diary. 

And then, THEN, you forget to do something nice for Mother's Day? Really? After 364 days of basic slavery to everyone but herself, the mama in your life doesn't get so much as a "Hey, thanks for doing everything for everyone ever"?

Then you sir, are a huge dillweed.

Now here's how it's going to go down: You're going to take five minutes to think about the mom in your life, whether she's the one who birthed you or the mother of your kids. And if you even try to say "But my wife isn't MY mom" I give her permission to divorce you immediately. As far as I'm concerned, your wife does as much, if not more, to feed and clothe you as your mom. Not to mention no wife wants to see her husband give expensive gifts to his mom and then forget about the mother of his kids. Because we all know your kids will bring home cute homemade presents from school, but honestly, they're crappy. Cute, but crappy. Until they start making Nordstrom gift cards at kindergarten or teaching shiatsu massage, you're going to have to step up.

After you've thought about it, you're going to act. Moms don't need huge expensive gestures on Mother's Day. Seriously, just something that says "When I thought about it, I realized that you actually DO stuff and I should recognize that and not be a complete d-bag about it."

For some, it's a card. For others, it's jewelry. For some, it's a gift card and a massage that doesn't have sexual connotations attached to it. For others, it's getting the kids out the house so that your wife can take a freakin' nap for two hours.

Look, I'm not complaining about my lot as a mom. I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up for the job. And there's nothing like it in the world. But it's HARD. And it makes me CRY. And I'm tired ALL THE TIME. And sometimes, there's nothing I want in the world than to get a little thumbs up and a "Hey - you're awesome" to remind me exactly why I didn't kill my three-year-old after he threw a flashlight in the toilet. It takes more will power than you think.

There's no reason that you can't show a little respect to moms this Mother's Day. It's once a year. No one is asking for a huge festival. Just a day that doesn't completely suck.

You can handle this.

Don't be a dillweed.

Love, Jae

Freaky Friday

 Sorry I'm late getting around to this today, guys. My daughter's school had a Walk-a-Thon to raise money for supplies and stuff. The way it was structured is that the soccer field was measured to be a quarter of a mile long. For every four laps the kids did, they got a special prize. The prize for the 20th lap (5 mile mark) was a pair of sunglasses and my daughter was determined to get a pair. Unfortunately, the event was only 90 minutes and she only got 18 laps in. When I went to go find her, the rest of her class had already stopped and were sitting together and there she was, puffing around the track all by herself. Her face was all red, she was all sweaty and when I called to her to stop, she burst into tears. She's a bit sensitive, my kid. When I asked what was wrong she said "I just really wanted those sunglasses and I only had two laps left!" I think my heart broken into a zillion little pieces for her. I helped her get a drink and meet up with her class while talking up the 18 laps -- almost 5 miles! -- that she did instead, but I could  tell that she was really disappointed.

I called my husband to tell him all about it and both he and I felt so bad for her... she tried SO hard. SO naturally we've made plans to take her out and spoil her a bit tonight. So I'm taking an afternoon siesta and then I'm off to do something fun!

Stupid Walk-a-Thon.

Anyway... onto the freakiness before I sign off for the day! 

 I know this happened a week ago, but I haven't had a chance to comment yet. I would just like to point out a few things.

1) This is a woman who has said she has the butt of a 20-year-old stripper. Just marinade on that for a moment.

2) I really think she was screwing with everyone at this point. Like oh, they hate me? Let me show them just how bad they can hate me!

3) Let's not act surprised. This is a woman who wore this to the Oscars:

She has a history of going sans underwear. 

 Alison sent this over in a compilation of bad prom dresses. Oh, I must have missed the part where dressing like Britney Spears in "Toxic" was a viable choice for prom!

I just envisioned a girl walking down the stairway to meet her date in this. It reminds me of "Never Been Kissed" when the nerds come to prom dressed as DNA. WHERE would that ever happen?

 She also sent me this swimsuit with a note that it looked a little "burny." Agreed. I would also point out that the angle on the model's crotch is disconcerting but don't look now.

 Jumpsuits made of denim because it's 1973 and you can. (Thanks Dawn!)

 You guys know how I feel about ugly man shoes. They are a travesty. Especially when styled in what might be the worst color of "bottom of the pool" blue and with fringe. 

 I think I may have had this skirt in like, 1993. Of course, I also had bad teeth and bifocals in 1993, so that's not a good thing.

I can't even with this. The Cosby sweater is bad enough. Pair it with a floral skirt and it's like they're just testing the model's gullibility.

Alright, I'm out to go assuage the guilty feelings my poor daughter has caused me. Enter overindulgent parent mode NOW.

Why You Don't Have to Totally Love Your Body

This post has been rattling around in my brain for a while, so bear with me.

I have two fairly prominent scars on my face: One on my nose from last summer and one right above my lip from when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it's from when my youngest brother threw a VHS tape at my face, but don't quote me on that.

Now, every "body love" thing I've read is all like, flowers and rainbows about imperfections. Hooray! Your scars make you unique! Stretch marks are beautiful! Your big nose is distinguished!

Okay, so I get the sentiment. It's good to be confident, yes. But do I love my scars? Nope. I hate them. I hate them so very much. I cover them with makeup just about every day because they irk me, even though I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who notices.

Here's the problem with being pressured to love your body. It goes something like this:
1) Have something about your body that you dislike.
2) Hear someone say that you should love it anyway.
3) Try.
4) Fail.
5) Feel extra bad because now, not only do you dislike something about your body, but you feel bad that you can't embrace it and are quoteunquote "not confident."

That's two times the bad feelings, people!!

It was as I was slapping primer all over my nose scar and repeating positive affirmations about scars being A-OK that it finally hit me. Guess what? You don't have to like everything about your body. In fact, you can straight up dislike stuff about yourself and it's okay. 

Here's the thing: Everyone -- and I mean everyone -- has stuff about their body that makes them contemplate plastic surgery or juice fasts or a face transplant. The trick to really knocking it out of the park is liking something. Not everything -- just something about your bod that you know makes other people jealous and that makes you feel good.

I propose that for real body love, you need to stop slavishly working to love all of your imperfections (I DO love my cankles I DO I DO I DO!) and focus on something that you do love. Because I feel like telling myself that I love my face scars or my big nose or my weird ribs is like hugging that aunt that I never see. It's not genuine and it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

I have a friend who makes me say something good about myself every time I say something negative. The other day I was joking about my T-rex arms -- seriously guys they are SO short -- and she was like "Fine! Say what you want but now say something good!" Not: "Don't say that about yourself!" but "If you're going to say something negative, say something positive too."

Sorry, there's no special class that you can take that will teach you to love every little thing about yourself. Instead, you have to work with what you've got. Why spend time hoping that one day I'll fall madly in love with my forehead wrinkle when I have really good hair to style? My imperfections don't even deserve that much time or thought. Honey badger don't care.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you never learn to love your elbows and you don't feel like displaying your stretch marks on the beach, it's OK anyway. You don't have to love everything about yourself. You're not perfect. You'll never be perfect. Can we all like, get over it and move on?

I'll probably never make nice with those stupid scars and I'll always put makeup over them. Does that make me a less confident person? Probably not. Because I have scars on my face but I also have a really good butt and long eyelashes and I can live with that trade-off, you guys. Whole body love can suck it -- it's about as real as unicorn poop.

As my home girl Amy Poehler says, "There’s only, like, five perfectly symmetrical people in the world, and they’re all movie stars, and they should be, because their faces are very pleasing to look at, but the rest of us are just a jangle of stuff, and the earlier you learn that you should focus on what you have and not obsess about what you don’t have, the happier you will be."

What I Wore: Spring Farewell

I got back from my girl's weekend on Saturday and it was SO much fun. We ate, we shopped, we napped, we ate and then ate a little more and it was divine. Although I am sad to report that I have yet to find the perfect camo skinnies and am still on the hunt today. However, I did get some awesome stuff like shoes (of course) a bunch of nice, sloppy tees and a super-cute maxi skirt. YAY for breaking my shopping fast -- I can breathe again.

Of course, today my son woke up sick and so I'll probably be hanging out at home, which is sucky because it's gorgeous outside. Like, we're nearing shorts weather here and I am very happy. We can finally say goodbye to winter layers, like this outfit:

                                                 Top: InVein via Edge Custom Shop

Jacket: Downeast Basics (similar)
Jeans: Liverpool Abby in black obviously (here)

Boots: Soda (similar)

Bracelets: Nordstrom (similar... and cheaper!)

Leather cuff: Marc Jacobs (want!)

Say goodbye to boots and jeans because I think it'll be skirts and dresses for the next few months or so. 

Bye, adorable military jacket that I love so much. I shall put you in my guest bedroom closet, as I Have a severe jacket-buying addiction and have run out of room for you.

 We shall meet again, intentionally ugly combat boots. Thou hast served me well this winter.

Seriously though, the weirdest thing about Utah (OK, living around millions of Mormons is pretty weird) is that it has no spring to speak of. You go from snow to sunburn in like, three hours so you have to be ready. And by "be ready" I obviously mean "buy sandals immediately."

You might still see these boots if I can figure out how to wear them with dresses without looking like a grungey 90s rock singer. It's a work in progress, really.

Anyway Spring, it's been a slice. But it's like, 80 today and my kids are out of school in three weeks and Summer will be back in full effect. Heaven help us all.

Spring Shopping List 2013

So I'm doing my big Spring shopping trip this weekend and I'm pretty darn excited. Like... I'm actually doing laundry right now and cataloging what I already have. Note to self: You have WAY too many button-up shirts and don't really need more kthanks. SO while I check out what I've already got goin' on, I'm making a shopping list of stuff I must have immediately so I don't go out of control. Other note to self: You will most definitely get out of control.

Here's what I'm on the hunt for!

GUESS Boyfriend V-Neck Tee

Favorite short-sleeve crew T

Chinese Laundry Dance Floor Wedge Sandal

KUT from the Kloth Women's Wide Hem Colored Denim Bermuda Short

1969 Printed Always Skinny Skimmer Jeans

FOREVER 21 Neon Heart Top

OK, so I'm looking for a few very specific things. The first is definitely a really good-quality boyfriend tee. I wear my T-shirts until they're falling apart because it's so hard to find one that's soft, fits well and that I love. But a tee plus skinnies and wedges is pretty much my spring uniform and I need one baaaad.

I'm also on the hunt for colored bermuda shorts. Um, HOW do I not have ones already? I disappoint men. Love it with a chambray shirt too... so prep!

Also, I bought these wedges and they are roughly 400 percent brighter in real life. I am looking all over for some cute neon accent clothes to pair with them. That heart sweater with a black circle skirt and wedges? I die and must try it.

Finally, I'm also on the hunt for some camo skinnies that I can buy without selling my innards on the black market. WHY IS THIS SO HARD? One day last month I dragged my husband to like nine different stores and still didn't find any. But it's gonna happen this weekend. I love them with heels and sloppy shirt.

I also want to buy a ton of jewelry. I've gotten to that sad point where I hate 99.999999 percent of what I own. 

So basically, I'm looking for sloppy spring clothes that I can wear with cute shoes. This is more or less my shopping list every spring.

What are you looking for?

What I Wore: Shopaholic

I totally forgot that as part of my Cheap Tricks, I wrote an article for MoneyCrashers.com-- Check out Cheap Swaps and Alternatives to Expensive High-End Makeup Brands to find out where I splurge and steal when it comes to makeup. I knew I was forgetting something!

Speaking of being cheap, this week is the end of my shopping diet and I could not be happier.  It has dragged on way too long. I do the diet because not only do I tend to spend a lot in May, but it's interesting to see how often I default to shopping. Bored? Shop. Mad? Shop. Stressed? Shop. Have a spare five minutes? Shop. It's insane! Want to shop? Shop! Instead I've taken to organizing my closet to see what I have on hand. I will not say that I've been "shopping my closet" because that's obnoxious. I'm just wearing stuff I already own geeeez.

 When I went out to lunch for a friend's birthday last week, I dug out some old standards.

 Chambray: Urban Wear
Jeans: Calvin Klein
Flats and earrings: Ardene (Canada)
Watch: XOXO
Glasses: Buckle
Bag: Coach

When I don't have a supercool, brand-new piece to showcase, I fall back on color. Going all monochromatic and grabbing some bright flats saved this from being too plain Jane until I can shop again. Also, bless my mother's heart because she took pity on me and sent me down a few pairs of flats to help me get through shopping withdrawal. 

 Ugh my little brother took these pics while he was here visiting and he's so much taller than me that all these pictures make me look like a miniature pony. When really I'm more like a moderately-sized pony. Note to self: find shorter photographers.

Chambray options for those of you not currently dieting:

women's chambray shirt

 So here's my question today -- what do you do when you get that itchy shopping finger? Because I just did some damage in the home organization section at Target to stop me from buying shoes. On the bright side, my desk IS more organized. On the other hand, it was like an alcoholic drinking a wine cooler. I cannot be satisfiiiiiied. Any ideas?

 

Freaky Friday

So, how did everyone like Cheap Tricks week? Something you want to see again or no? Because I have roughly a bazillion cheap tricks up my proverbial sleeves. And also my literal sleeves.

But now it's time for Friday and further prove that "expensive" doesn't automatically mean "good." Here are some of the most heinous pricey finds I've seen.

 This is my favorite. It's a "maxi skirt" (heavy emphasis on those quotation marks) that Amy sent over. My favorite are the "skirt" details: 

"no pockets, unlined, rear slit"

no pockets

no pockets 

NO POCKETS 

 PS it's $585 I'm dead.

 Sara sent me this skirt that is a relative steal at $60. On the bright side? It's cheaper than an x-ray AND it helps remind you to take your vitamin D. 

 If Jerry Seinfeld had a less-attractive, colorblind twin sister. And had $1,260 to spend on ugly dresses.

 Oh REALLY Marc Jacobs!? We're selling sweatshirts from my childhood at $1,300 are we? Because I probably have like, 6 in storage.

 This is either a shrug or something your cat barfed onto your carpet. I can't tell. 

 For when you feel peskily small around your midsection and want to add about 10 lbs and what appear to be harlequin elephant legs for the tidy sum of $1,825.

 You guys. This is a $1,700 Cosby sweater.

Stoppit, fashion. 

For when you want to look like a slightly more masculine Michael Jackson. It's $2,390 which is probably what he spent on waffles so it's really a steal when you think about it. 

Oh fashion, you so crazy. Always proving that it takes a lot of money to look really cheap.