Freaky Friday: Annual Trashy Costumes Edition 2010

Ahhh I am so very excited to share with you my top picks for the trashiest Halloween costumes. Especially since finding them was like shooting a fish in a barrel. Entire online stores are devoted to making you look like a Playmate for Halloween, it's amazing to me! Let's check out my faves and a bunch from Yandy.com this year!


SEE!? It's a sexy football player because it says "Sexy" on it AND the number 69. SEXY! Aaaaaand the award for subtlety goes to....



Why do trashy Halloween costumes think that by wearing a short skirt and stripper heels, it's OK to ruin your child's favorite character? Nemo? Sure! Spongebob? Yes, please! Big Bird? Where's Katy Perry!?


A-ha. The trashy gumball machine. Please note that the gumballs are dispensed from her bajingo, which I think is a special and demure touch.


This gets the award for laziest costume EVER. I enlarged it so you can see. She's a remote control. My favorite part is the "Mute" button. Does that mean she'll stop talking if I touch her boob?


Sexy Phantom of the Opera...

Wait a minute, who's that?


Uh, look trashy girl, that's cool and Imma let you finish, but Gerard Butler had one of the best phantom costumes of all time. ALL. TIME.


Thanks Yeezy.


Well that was rude.



Ah yeah, there's definitely some busting going on around here.


Don't you ruin my favorite childhood characters like that, trashy girl! Don't you put that evil on me!!


Easily my favorite. I saw this and immediately thought of Mean Girls.
"What are you?"
"I'm a MOUSE. D'uh."

By the way... I think she's supposed to be a bumblebee.

Wasn't that fun!? Have you guys seen any particularly heinous and skanktastic costumes this year? I can't wait!

Freaky Friday: Halloween Edition 2009

So, I was recently discussing with some friends why women assume it's okay to dress like a dirtywhoreskank on Halloween. I am terrified for my daughter to become a teenager, asking me if she can dress up as a sexy taxi driver or something for All Hallow's Eve. So, in celebration of the trashtasticness that is Halloween, I give you sexy costumes that should not be sexy at all, many of them found at Yandy.com.


K, lets be honest here. This "Sexy Eskimo" costume is basically a glorified hoodie without pants. Save yourself $50 and just wear your hubby's school sweater. PS in Canada, "eskimo" is a fairly derogatory term. Just sayin.



Ooh! A sexy chef! Because when I think of a good filet mignon, I also think of short skirts and boobs. Fantastique!



This one was listed as a sexy nutcracker. Why yes, she does look like she cracks.... nuts....



Sexy Spongebob makes baby Jesus cry.



I was actually joking about the sexy taxi driver, but then I actually found one. Where I'm from, all of the taxi drivers are bald, wear denim shirts and smell slightly of tobacco and curry. So no, I have never met one of these sexy taxi drivers.



This one made me laugh the hardest. It was labeled as a "Sexy RED BULL Drinker" Like OH MY GOSH. If you want to show up to a party wearing your lingerie, just do it. Stop trying to make it into a costume. Show up naked for all I care. Then call yourself a sexy doctor. Because that's about how relevant this costume is.


A sexy skeleton. Clearly just an excuse to show off that hot PELVIC BONE!!!



So THIS is why Eve got kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Prostitution.



Let's alienate some more cultures by making them into sex kitten-ish Halloween costumes. You don't mind that, Native Americans, do you?



Sexy Nemo. NEMO. Because when I think of sex, I think of adolescent clown fish? WHERE AM I???

Now that I officially hate the holiday, I'm going to get into my stressed out mom costume and take my kids trick or treating.



This is my stressed out mom costume.

You like?

What I Wore: The Mr.

Alright guys, this week is going to pretty post-heavy, so I hope you're ready for alllll this jelly comin' atcha. (Kill me for typing that) Between Halloween and my own costume and WHY does every child's class need you to bring in treats, I'm running crazy this week. But I definitely won't miss out on our costume contest. I'm just putting the final touches on my own costume. Are you excited? YOU SHOULD BE.

But for now, let's get an outfit post out of the way. I'm dedicating this one to my husband. That's because if you ask him what his favorite color is, he'll say "neutral." And he's not being facetious. In fact, his favorite color combination of life is black and tan -- the color of our boat. So basically what I'm saying is that when I wear black and tan he finds me as attractive as our boat, which means he finds me very attractive.

 Anyway, poor Justin is constantly stuck behind the camera, so he's getting kudos today because I wore his favorite colors and he put up with my major meltdown when I couldn't find the camera. I swear, my camera has legs and delights in scurrying around to different locations at precisely the moment I'm late and need it.

 

Top: Gap

Skirt: Urban Wear
Shoes: Steve Madden
Belt: asos
Bracelet: Inspired Silver
Necklace: local craft fair
Cami/slip: Kingdom and State (K&S sent me an amazing slip that is super silky and actually stayed put all day. I am a huuuge fan! Check out their brand-new line.)

He also had to put up with me saying things like "Do my shoes look blue enough in this light??" 

 

 "NOW do they look blue?"

After all, this outfit is a lot like me and my husband. Pretty neutral, but with a teensy bit of crazy -- that's me! 

 

So a big thanks to The Mr., who patiently takes pictures and deals with my intense camera-related mood swings.  He's the best.

There he is! xoxoxo.

Alright, party people. Get ready for some major postage this week and I don't mean the kind that costs $0.45. Oh I am so funny.

Tutorial: How to Fake a Blowout

So I was thinking that it might be fun to show you how I do my hair when I don't have the time to actually blowout my hair, which is basically an everyday occurrence.You can do this trick with just straight blowdried (but not styled) hair, but I like to do it with air dried hair because I'm super lazy.

If you're my friend in real life, I'm embarrassed that you'll finally see how I'm able to get ready in like five minutes. I wish I could keep up the facade that it actually took five years to do my hair but I'm tired of living a lieeeeeeeeeee.


Wanna before and after? Here it is: Boom.The first pic is air dried and the second is after doing my neato fake trick. Hooray for fakeness!

And now, here's the vid on how to score super smooth, blowdried hair without actually using a hairdryer. If it seems like I just cut off randomly at the end, it's because I literally just forgot what I was saying in midsentence and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. I should have left it because you could see how terrible I am at this. Ah well. It does the job. Enjoy!

What I Wore: Chopped!

So I went and had four or five inches of hair hacked off on Friday and I could not be more happy. I had family pictures on Saturday and it was a little nerve-wracking to do it just before being immortalized with pricey pics, but I'm glad I did in the end. My poor hair is so processed that taking off the bottom makes it look so much healthier. I also feel like it makes me look younger, which is great because I already look like a teen mom half of the time.

Anyway, wanna see?

Whee! I asked for it to just barely hit my collarbone and I heart it muchly. What's more, it's shaved like 6 hours off of my hairdrying time. Always a good thing.

I also love how when you get a haircut, all of your clothes and jewelry look new.

 

White top: Charlotte Russe

Cardi: c/o mod bod

Skinnies: Ardene (Canada)

Shoes: Nine West

Ring and earrings: F21

I try to work these pants into every outfit ever and I'm sure it's getting obnoxious but I don't care. Also, can I just say how much fun it is to wear heels for no reason on a weekday? Try it! 

 

See how much healthier my poor mistreated hair looks? I told my mom that I felt like shorter hair made me look smarter and she said that would only be true if I wore my crazy-huge bifocals that I had to wear when I was five.  They were purple and magnified my eyes to roughly 2,000x their natural size. The only way my parents could get me to wear them was to tell me that they made me smarter. 

I don't think it worked. I totally peaked at age 12, but I've worn glasses my entire life.

  

Ooh, now I need to try new hair with glasses. People might think I'm a genius though, and that could get awkward. I can't even remember how to add fractions. Maybe I should get my purple bifocals out?

Freaky Friday

 Happy day guys! Not only is it Friday, but I'm having my hair chopped too. I am need of a good, solid change. I was looking through some pictures and realized I've had basically the same cut for a year and it's no bueno. Can't wait to show you on Monday!

In the meantime, may I show you some ugly clothes? I may!? Well that's just fantastic.

 This was marketed as a bracelet. Pshhh I made like 9,000 of these with those neon stretchy nylon bracelets when I was like 12. Any 90s kids with me on this one?

 This is a dress in the loosest interpretation of the word. I mean the color is cute, but let's just hope that it matches your ladybits that will be flashing gratuitously all night long.

 Stephanie sent me possibly the trashiest leggings of all time. Granted, they're from a place called Only Leggings. Maybe they ran out of ideas and started catering to the drunk rodeo queen demographic?

 But I guess they're still better than hairy knees. How embarassing.

 Fact: These pants took roughly 12 yards of denim to make. On the bright side, her ankles look positively tiny... but I can only imagine how pancakey her poor butt looks.

Do. Not. Waaaaaaaaaant.

Those shoes are crocheted. My whole life is a lie.

 I've never really jumped on the whole skirt over pants bandwagon, much less the half-skirt over non-matching pants and ugly shoes thing. I'm so out of touch. Sigh.

 Well these will just haunt my dreams forever.

Imagine showing up to a summer wedding in these bad boys? I'm thinking romance on the beach.

 

Julie sent me this $1,200 sweater. They could have lowered the price but there's $900 worth of wool here. It's like 7 sheep basically. Pair it with those denim gauchos. 

 

Have I told you I hate headwraps? Well, I do. But I especially hate when they look like undies. I get enough of this from my three year old son, kthanks.


Alright, I'm off! I have a crazy busy few days so as much as I'd like to make fun of scrunchie bracelets and underpants hats all day with you, alas, I cannot. Still, check back next week: I've got new hair, a hair tutorial and an awesome giveaway plan. Hint: A reader *might* be getting a triple digit handbag but I won't spoil the surprise.

xoxox

Jae Raids the Drugstore: Best (and Worst) Beauty Buys

Latey-late post from me today. I have to tell you about my awesome experience a couple of hours ago! So my hubs wanted to meet up for lunch and I told him I'd be by McD's around noon and to meet me and my youngest there (me trying to be a good mom and letting my kid germ it up at the Playplace.) When I got in the parking lot, there were no spots left because apparently, McD's is really popular on a Wednesday afternoon, so I drove around the parking lot. Unfortunately, some complete idiot had parked a truck and trailer in such a way that the people coming in through the drive-thru completely cut me off from the rest of the parking lot. As in, I had no outlet whatsoever. There was about a five-foot space and I drive a huge SUV and I was stuck in this weird little triangle between the edge of the trailer and the cars in the drive thru line. So I had no choice but to wait until the cars in the drive-thru pulled up so I could wedge myself out. Anyway, I was sitting there waiting for that to happen when a guy in a truck starts honking at me furiously from his truck. He was behind me and obviously stuck too. After another minute, he slammed out of his car and proceeded to examine the distance between the cars and the trailer and decided, in his opinion, that I should try and squeeze through. I'm not INSANE so I told him no, which is when he released a steady stream of expletives at me. It was so awesome, you guys. I was like DUDE! Don't yell at me, yell at the guy parking a tractor trailer in the drive-thru!

Anyone who knows me IRL knows that confrontation makes me uncomfortable. Like, crawl under my bed, hide from the world and sob uncomfortable. So naturally, after finally getting out like 30 SECONDS after this all went down (and after the guy revved his engine like a NASCAR driver to make his point as he sailed by) I immediately plunged into a deep depression and just wanted to go home. Naturally, my husband came to my rescue and sent me off shopping to bolster my spirits. And in a very roundabout way, it reminded me I hadn't done a products post in a while.

As it turns out, nothing comforts me quite like low-priced drugstore beauty buys. Oh Walgreens, you'll never fail me.

Also, just a head's up that I'm not compensated for any of these reviews. Homie don't play like that.

 The Body Shop Lip Stain in Bronze Glimmer.

For real you guys, this stuff is liquid gold. I bought the other stain in a pinky rose color but this one is by far my fave. It's more of a rose gold and has a gold  glimmer to it that I love on its own or layered over my Maybelline Baby Lips in Peach. It's become my "keep in my purse because I will reapply 100 times per day" lip stuff. Welcome to the purse, Bronze Glimmer.

Maybelline The Turbo Volum Express Mascara

 In my never ending quest to test every single type of mascara ever known to man, I stumbled across this little gem because I was shopping at our local grocery store and cruising the makeup aisle and the "Volum" in Maybelline The Turbo Volum Express Mascara stood out to me. All I want in life is big hair and big eyelashes, OK? Anyway, I've been impressed! I don't think it's as good as Million Lashes, but I like it much better than the Rimmel Scandalous Eyes. In related news, mascara names are stupid.

 Clean & Clean Morning Glow Moisturizer.

Confession? I've always thought that at 30, I'd switch to a "grownup" moisturizer. But when I hit 28 this summer, I decided that it was time to man up and try something that didn't smell like a teenage girl's bedroom. So I switched to a gel creme thingy and haaaated it. Sure, it made my skin super soft, but it made me break out like a crazy person. So I'm back to using my old fave, which gives enough moisture so your makeup doesn't look dead-person powdery but also doesn't cause zits. Hooray! Who cares if I smell like a 14 year old?

 Cover Girl Perfect Point Plus Eyeliner

K, I love me some self sharpening eyeliner. Not because it sharpens on its own and I can never find my sharpener and end up using my daughter's Disney one, but because the actual pencil is so SOFT. I hate when you get an eyeliner and it's like stabbing yourself in the eye with a steak knife. This makes for perfect smudginess, which I appreciate when I'm running late but still want my eyes to look done. This is a keeper.

 Herbal Essences Tousle Me Softly Finishing Touch Cream

Someone on my Facebook page recommended this to me when I was looking for a good styling balm and whoever you are, you're my hero! I love the idea of balms but hate hate hate when they make my hair all greasy-like. This stuff is uber-light and I'm really happy with it. I use it after I blow my hair out and it looks all big 'n stuff. Stay tuned next week -- I've got an awesome tutorial coming up on faking a blowout. Oohhh yeah.

 L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Conditioner

I don't typically use traditional shampoo. I've been sulfate-free for about a year now. I made the switch after I went blond because my hair takes a huge beating with coloring process and I don't want to add all those chemicals to the picture. I'd like to keep some of my hair actually on my head, thanks. So I was overjoyed  to find this stuff. I don't love the smell -- but I am super happy with how it works. It'll weird you out at first because there aren't any suds and you need to rinse super well, but I use this on both me and my daughter and we have crazy soft hair. Love!

 Nair Face Wax Strips

I've waxed my own eyebrows for years and years, but I always used Nads. I just barely ran out and this was all I could find at the drugstore in a dire hour of eyebrow-waxing need. And this is the big loser of the bunch. These hurt like, 400 percent worse than Nads. I did like that I could cut the strips in half and only use one per session, but let's just say my son came running into the bathroom when he heard me screaming bloody murder with half of a strip stuck to my head. I'm going back to my old green goop and not even pretending to imagine what these babies would do to your bikini line.

You know what guys? This was totally therapeutic. Mr. Anger Management has nothing on a good chat session about beauty products.

Of course, now that I've thought of about 96 witty comebacks for this huge d-bag, I'll probably never see him again. But in case he ever reads this blog and realizes I'm talking about him, I will say that he looks like he smells, his truck sounds like it contains a dying panther and my car would total his if he wanted to play chicken. Ah, that felt better.