Dear Lady Gaga;

K, I have to interrupt our usual commentary on what to wear for a brief, open letter to Lady Gaga, who continues to ruin my life by purposely looking unattractive.

Dear Lady Gaga; (who's real name is Stefani, so lets just get that out of the way)


I have long and silently endured your assault on the fashion industry. When you were sporting the infamous bow made out of HAIR I didn't say anything. When you strolled in around in a flesh colored bodysuit, I kept my mouth shut. BUY OH MY GOSH you are driving me crazy. While I actually do enjoy your music, I find you to be pretentious and kind of douche-baggy, what with your talk about your "art" and how you plan to change the way we hear and experience music.

Lets get something straight; you are a POP artist. You are not the Beatles. You are not Coldplay. Right now, you're not even the Spice Girls yet. You are a random pop artist who's had three hits and suddenly has a ginormous head, which you choose to clothe in HAIR BOWS.


But that's beside the point. My real beef with you is this: Are you allergic to looking attractive, or what? I don't even care if you want to be avante garde with your fashion choices, you just continually make yourself ugly for reasons I don't quite understand. Observe:



Remember when you were a normal girl? And you had pretty hair? And didn't dress like an idiot?


Then you got famous and decided that you were way too remarkable to dress like a mere mortal. So you started dressing like Queen Amidala.


Really? Blunt bangs AND oversized sunglasses AND a shirtless hood AND giant sleeves? Really? I'd say that you are wearing everything but the kitchen sink, but unfortunately you forgot PANTS.


Which is a recurring theme.


K, so enlighten me: When did pants become the enemy?



And then there was the American Idol debacle where you wore a zipper. Over your eye. Like a pirate. So I get it. You're too cool for pants, but not too cool to perform on the MOST COMMERCIAL show on television. I get it. Cool. Fight the power, Lady.


I was willing to overlook all of your smugness and all of your terrible, terrible fashion choices because whatever, I like Poker Face. But then Rolling Stone came out and I couldn't take it anymore.


OH MY GOSH YOU ARE DRESSED IN A NUDE BODYSUIT WITH BUBBLES GLUED TO IT.

And you PERFORMED in this outfit later, causing me to believe you condone this or thought it was acceptable in some way. It's not. You look ugly. And since you're not an ugly girl, I can't imagine why you would do such a thing. In this picture you looked like a cracked out Courtney Love, who is cracked out all the time so lets just say Courtney Love; the cracked out goes without saying. THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. No one wants to look like the failed rocker wife of a rock legend who committed suicide.


I'm just saying. You're a pretty girl. I like your music. How about you stop concentrating so hard on your "image" and stop running your mouth about how you're bisexual and an artist unlike no other and just shut up and sing?


And for pete's sake, buy a freakin' pair of jeans.


Love, Jae

What to Wear: to a work function

Whether you work or your husband works, there are always work parties to go to. I have never seen something strike more fear into the hearts of women everywhere than stressing about what to wear to their husband's work Christmas party. I think it stems from the fear that you'll be the "dumpy wife" there.

By the same token, I see a lot of women that totally go all out and overdress for theirs or their hubby's work stuff. And in my book, there is nothing worst than being overdressed. So when in doubt, err on the side of being a little casual. Do not run out and buy a prom dress for heaven's sake.

Can I also say that my husband's last work function was an office wide trip to go to a Kenny Loggins concert? I KNOW! How funny is that? It was actually pretty fun, besides the fact that the only two songs I knew that are by Kenny Loggins are Footloose and Danger Zone. How's that for a clothing dilemma? "Honey! I've got a work party this weekend." Got it. "...and we're going to a Kenny Loggins concert!" What the?? What am I supposed to wear to that? (If you MUST know, I was pregnant at the time... so I wore dark jeans, a very low necked shirt [pregnant boobs, yay!] and a leather jacket. See? I can dress for any occasion!)

Here are a few outfits that work for a work function for me. In general, I don't like jeans at work functions, unless you KNOW it will be pretty casual. Such as, dinner out a casual dining restaurant, Kenny Loggins concerts, etc. Otherwise, get a good pair of black bootcut slacks. The ones shows here are from Spiegel.

Love a blousy, festive type top. The color of this one from Spiegel is amazing. Then add some slacks, shoes are from Wild Diva, earrings from Guess and a violet clutch from Target. I love the idea of this for a cocktail-esque, dinner work party. Anywhere that you're going out to a non casual place, but still don't want to look crazy dressed up.

For something a little more casual, such as an informal meeting, dinner out or a catered event, try this.

K, so start with the same black slacks, add a BRIGHT tank with a white blazer (Spiegel) and then tie your accessories in with another color (Clutch by Murval). I love teal and pink and white in the summer, this outfit would be awesome for an outdoor event. Then shoes in a non matching color (Guess) and you are all set.

For something more formal, or an event where your husband is required to wear a suit, or even a sportscoat, I would do a skirt. Still a little on the casual side, but dress it up with your accessories.

K, so start with a crisp white shirt, the puffy sleeves make it flirty and not business-y. (Kohls) Add a pencil skirt... I LOVE THIS ONE! (F21) and then belt that sucker! Remember that a pencil skirt should hit just above your natural waist, where that teeny part is. So belt it right at your smallest point. Then add some awesome shoes so its definitively not business wear. Add a clutch (Also from Target) and you're the hot wife!

Now, for plus sizes, black pants are your friends. Also, don't be afraid of a pencil skirt. You probably have killer legs.

K so the clothes are from Avenue and the accessories are WetSeal (Which has sizes up to 24 and 3X now, as well as Forever21 just launched Faith21 for plus sizes and its freakin adorable.) Anyhow, love the color. I feel like plus size girls are all about the black because its supposed to be slimming, but it just makes you look depressed. Have fun with your accessories. Wear big earrings that bring the attention up to your loverly face.

And then.... strut.

Seriously though. There is no excuse for a) freaking out when you get invited to a work party b) showing up with baby barf on your shoulder and c) not looking like a million bucks.

What to Wear: to a playdate

K, so I love putting together outfits. You tell me somewhere you want to go and BAM! I've got something in my head. So here's a new series of real-life mom type situations in which you might not know what to wear exactly. I am here to help you!

Playdates. Ohhhh playdates. They are meant for your kids, but half the time you need them as much; gossip time with the other moms, talking in voices that don't sound like Mickey Mouse. But let me tell you something about those play groups and playdates. The other moms are judging you. Yeah, they are. I will never be as naive to think that I am exempt from the very same judgements that I pass the time with. Which means if you show up looking all dumpy in your man shoes and capris, you will then be the subject of judgement. I mean really, how hard is it to slip on a pair of flats and brush your hair? Don't even get me started on wearing Crocs to a playdate. I WILL JUDGE YOU. DON'T DO IT!

Not to mention, we all want to be the "hot mom" of the group, know what I mean? The one that breezes in, totally effortlessly, still looking put together, but not so fancy and done up hat she can't get down on the floor and play if she needs to.

So here is what I think you should wear to a playdate. First, lets take a peek at the alternative.

"Oh my gosh, you guys. Sorry I'm late. I stayed up all night baking cupcakes for Timmy's class, and when I dropped them off in my Suburban, the baby needed to be fed. So I gave him some organic baby food, and wouldn't you know it? He spit up all over my OTHER white shoes and white polo. Dagnabbit! Luckily I had another one in my GIANT DIAPER BAG."

*All other moms seethe quietly while sending their kids to school with a box full of twinkies, while feeding their babies spaghettios*

Ladies, don't be THAT mom.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I was up all night watching NON CARTOON movies, and when I awoke, I gave the kids a granola bar and threw on something from my freakin' awesome closet. Also, I stopped on the way to buy everyone chocolate. Here it is, in my totally adorable but non obnoxious bag! Anyone want to come over to my house for daiquiris and celebrity gossip later?"

K, now which one would you rather have at your play date? I mean, really.

(Shirt - Gap, Jeans -Seven for All Mankind, Shoes - Piperlime, Bag - Melie Bianco [Have you seen her stuff ever? LOVE LOVE. Great big bags, all good for non-lame diaper bags, and they are way affordable. Less pricey than those dang $400 Petunia Picklebottoms or whatever they're called.] Watch - Roxy)

So next time you're headed out the door to a playdate, take a minute and decide how you want to be perceived by the other parents. As a tightly wound, June Cleaver-esque mom who doesn't have a personality outside of her children? Or as a cool, individual mom, who knows she doesn't have to sacrifice everything to be a good mom?

Yeah... I don't want to be the lame one either.

My wallet may be empty but my closet is full...

Sooo I went shopping this weekend. Every few months I break down and do a big fat shop where I go a little out of control. I contend that it is good for the soul. And seriously, can we say Memorial Day Sale?

Anyways, I got some amazing deals so I thought I'd share them on here. I guess its my equivalent of coming home with all of my shopping bags and saying "OMG, you HAVE to see what I got."



Easily my best find of the weekend. Large Guess bag, originally $90, on sale for $35. WOO! I was looking for a large, multipurpose bag that could double as a diaper bag, but would still be awesome for just going out. I was using a Guess satchel as my every day bag, bug the shape was bothering me. Anyways, I LOVE THIS to an inordinate degree, and even my husband agreed that it was a good one. And he hates me spending money, so that's a big deal.





This Banana Republic shirt. I love Banana Republic for really classic business-casual wear, and this shirt will look awesome with some long dark jeans and a point heel. Because of the awesome neckline, it'll only need earrings to accesorize. I love things that make outfits effortless.



I have a bad habit of finding something I like, and then buying it in like 4 different colors. I love this Old Navy shirt. The way it fits is awesome, it has an interesting braided neckline so it isn't boring. Its perfect for everyday, grocery shopping, carpooling days.



How killer are these shoes? Originally $60, I scored them for $20. I love snakeskin on shoes, its much more understated than say, a leopard print, and it works like a neutral. Plus, a wedge is so EASY. Can't wait to try these with a summer skirt or skinny jeans.



Love these flat disc earrings. I cut my hair shorter, (I have a rule: if I find myself putting my hair in a pony like, 4 out of 5 days, my hair gets cut.) and I love wearing awesome earring with short hair. These are fun enough to wear casually, but get dressed up easily too.


So that was my shopping trip. Well, I also bought some stuff for my husband and kids, but you don't really need to see all that. And a pretzel. Can't go shopping without a pretzel, unless of course there is a Cinnabon in the vicinity.


So how about you? Score any good finds lately?

And in a wonderful bit of karma...

...Google Adsense thinks that my glowing review of Crocs means that I should have Crocs advertising on my page.

Cool.

Weighing In: Crocs

This post goes out to Carly.

The only ONLY ONLY time you are allowed to wear Crocs is if you need to for work, like my dear friend Morgan, who is a Doula. Then I am all about their hypoallergenic properties. All of my docs and nurses wore them while I was hanging out in the hospital, and I was grateful that they left their germy keds at home. Except for my perinatologist who whore some fly wingtips and I thought he was kind of awesome for it. Also your children may wear them on the beach if necessary.

But as casual footwear? Boo! You can do better than that! I don't even like them as garden shoes. Like really, was there that big a problem with gardening footwear in general? For the love of pete. And as for their "slip on" ease, BUY SOME FLATS! Flip flops even!


And don't you dare buy charms to put in the holes. I swear, just give me the money you want to spend on Croc charms and I will find a better use for it. Like putting it in Chrysler stock.


Here is me weighing in on the different styles of Crocs.


Original. No.


Furry. No.



Sandals. No.



Dressed up. No. Remember kids, a pig in a tuxedo is still a pig.


Heels! No. Remember the Batboy post last year?



And in a trick played on me by the universe, CROC GLADIATOR SANDALS. NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why? WHY would someone do this to me? No. No.


Hope that clears things up for you.

Weighing In: Gladiator Sandals

K so a reader e-mailed me about gladiator sandals, so here I am, weighing in on them.

Ah, gladiator sandals. You were so popular last year and I figured that would be the last I saw from you. But alas, like an old boyfriend, you keep popping up; being friends with my friends on facebook, trying to get me to notice you when I was really just fine without you. You place yourself on the feet of many a famous person, so I will see you in US Weekly and think, really, Nicole Richie? Oooookay.

Seriously though. I thought I was okay with gladiator sandals. I didn't love them and I don't really think they're for me, but whatever floats your boat. However, then I was looking up different styles for this blog, and realized I really don't like them at all. I think the real, authentic gladiator sandal is pretty unflattering. The only time I really approve of it is with very skinny legs and very short shorts. If you're not willing to work it with those, then I would say I don't love them.

Here's why. The cut of the gladiator sandal makes your foot look huge. And manly. I don't like huge manly feet, unless of course, they are on a huge man. I have yet to see it make a foot look feminine. And I feel like your feet is one of those places on your body that you generally want to look as feminine as possible. Along with your hands, and perhaps your chin. Also, I feel that mom-types will wear them with capris. I don't love that either. I only tolerate them with skirts or dresses, or with shorts. Just because they are some serious foot wear and by wearing them, you are making a statement. Don't crowd them!

I am just not one to love a trend just because it is trendy.

HOWEVER!!! If you love gladiator sandals and they make you feel hottie hot hot, then by all means go ahead. This is one bit of fashion I won't judge you for. The sweats, yes, I will judge you for the sweats. But the gladiator sandals I'll just shrug and say "Okie dokie then."

Here are some variations of the gladiator sandals; some that I hate, and some that I can deal with.

Like these. I think its the color I like. Its a little more fresh than the dusty brown leather. And I love the criss crossing on the foot.

Hate these. Its the long leather strap up the middle, its what makes your foot look long and manly.

Like these in heel form. I like how they suggest gladiator sandals, rather than being like straight up, Spartan gladiator sandals, you know. The color and embellishments are reminiscent without jamming the concept down your throat.

These, however, are terrifying. And I am imagining leg squidge. Are you?

Like these. Probably because I own them. But they are shorter than the traditional gladiator sandal, thanks to the cut off with the strap across the toes. BUt to be brutally honest, I bought these because I was shopping in heels and they hurt and I needed some flats RIGHT THEN, and thought aw, what the heck.

Hate these. Like really hate them. WHY? Why with the leather cuffing? It will make your legs look stumpy. Avoid!!

So whether you love em or hate em, know that gladiator sandals don't have to be GLADIATOR sandals, you know? It doesn't have to be literal. Give em a shot. If you love them great (but don't spend that much on them; they are a trend and I'm fairly sure you won't see them around next year. Of course, that's what I thought last year but whatevs) If you hate them, that's great too.