Deciphering Gwyneth Paltrow's Annual GOOP Gift Guide

Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't know why everyone hates her, but Gwyneth Paltrow also suggests that we purchase solid gold juicing machines (I WISH I WERE KIDDING) so I take her feelings with a massive grain of salt.

Yes, it's the time of year again. When GP reminds us how rich she is with upper-crust gift ideas that literally no one wants. Seriously, I would be like "You are a millionaire and you gave me something other than money? PLEASE LEAVE."

It occurred to me, as I was rage-paging through the gift guide, that some of the gifts might be a little confusing for anyone who makes less than $15 mil a year and who people actually like, so I took it upon myself to decipher some of the gifts, what they mean and who would actually enjoy receiving them.

Because this blog is just helpful like that. And guess what? I'm affiliate linking the crap out of them. One day I'll be a nasal-y millionaire too.

The Smythson Currency Case: $285
Best for: Your friend who just learned how synonyms work.

"Wallet? No, it's a CASE for CURRENCY. I am truly captivated by your election to purchase me this endowment."

The Angel Solid Gold Juicer: $4,739
Best for: Anyone who dumped you in high school

It says "I'm rich now, but still juuuuuust trashy enough to own something with 'Angel' stamped across the side."

The St. Louis Tommy Glass: $495 EACH
Best for: Anyone with small children or butterfingers. 

Gift idea: Pre-smash it and give it to them in a box so they don't have to wait for the heartache of breaking their prized $500 pimp cup.

The Tina Frey Champagne Bucket: $300
Best for: Your fisherman dad

Because he still uses a cooler on his boat and that's friggin' embarrassing.

The Atsuyo et Akiko Wand: $44
Best for: Your Rambunctious 4-Year-Old

Because it makes getting jabbed in the eye with a wand while you're trying to nap on the couch just feel more luxurious.

The Artemare Longboard: $495
Best for: Your teen who doesn't mind getting beaten up at the skate park.

Because let's be honest. He's kiiiiiind of a douche and everyone knows it.

Hermes Myths and Constellations Trading Cards: $125
Best for: Your friend who would rather actually flush money down the toilet than donate any excess to charity. 

Because they're designer trading cards. For adults.

The Anito Ko Singular Safety Pin Earring: $2,584
Best for: Your 80s-obsessed brother.

I mean, we all agree those are the only people still wearing singular earrings, right?

The Charlotte Olympia Kinky Clutch: $1,295
Best for: Your Mom, who really got into 50 Shades of Grey this year. 

And told you all about it. And you didn't want to know.

The Preppi Earthquake Kit: $345
Best for: The posh doomsdayer. 

It's like, do people expect you to survive without Perrier?! It's an earthquake, not the end of CIVILIZED SOCIETY.

The Tom Sachs McDonalds Plate: $115
Best for: I don't even know. I'm sitting here and pinching the bridge of my nose in disappointment at the entire human race right now.

Art doesn't usually make me crave a Big Mac this bad.

The Row Rina Cape: $3,190
Best for: Yourself

You've finally done it: Reminded everyone how wealthy and special you are. Enjoy cozying up alone on Christmas in your Row Rina Cape because no one likes a show off.


Of course, there are many other confusing items on the list, like a $500 travel backgammon set (you know what else has travel backgammon? My phone) and some such, but I have a limited amount of time and patience to deal with this.

Just remember as you do your Christmas shopping this year: How much you spend is directly related to how much you care about a person. That's how it goes, right?

What I Wore: Back to Black

Aaaand just like that, the color is gone. We'll have to settle for a pop of leopard this time around. 

This was also the picture that left me scrabbling for a hair appointment because I could see how bad my roots were. I cut off a few inches and am back to buttery fake-blonde gloriousness, as seen here. Sorry, this picture is like, four days old. 

Tee: Abound (via Nordstrom Rack - I practically buy these in bulk) (here) (plus)

Blazer: F21 (pretty darn similar - mine is old) (similar) (plus)

Pants: Calvin Klein (here) (similar) (plus)

Shoes: Mossimo (similar) (similar) (omg I can't stop)

Earrings: F21 (similar)

This is probably the last of the cute heels for a while: We were the gracious recipients of like, four inches of snow today, so it's going to have to be boots for awhile. 

I am not ready for this. 

9 Tips for Wearing White in Winter

Wearing white in winter is like, blogger fodder, amiright? They get to act like those pesky fashion rules don't apply to them and tee-hee what a pretty rebel and they eek out another post.

Unfortunately for them, wearing white in winter has been a thing like, forever. And, when done properly, you won't look like a demented blogger but a lady.

The difference between summer and winter white is completely tonal. In summer, white has a blue cast and looks amazing with like, pastels and even neons. I find that summer white is totally minimalist: It looks better with simple outfits, like a tee and jeans.

But winter white -- oh, winter white! I love the golden-toned white that starts appearing in stores come October. It's way richer and looks amazing in chunky knits and luxe layers. But even if you love white and want to wear it all year around, there's a way to wear white in winter so you don't look like a) a Laura Ashley model circa 1993 or b) a rave baby. Keep these outfits and tips and mind and you'll look ah-mah-zing.

Long sleeve stretch top / American Eagle Outfitters tank / Hollister Co. cuff skinny jeans / Yoki buckle boots, $22 / Dana Buchman mini purse / Forever 21 multi strand necklace

1. Choose WINTER white. We know this. It's a yellow-toned white that pairs best with deep jewel tones.

2. So duh, go with jewel tones. Mulberry, plum, turquoise, jade, cognac: All of these look crazy good with a gold-toned winter white.

3. Add some texture. I love a leopard with winter white, but I love a leopard with literally anything. But any texture works: Add a little snakeskin or leather, go for something sequined: The white can handle it in the winter.

4. Speaking of sparkle, let winter white and gold have a love child on your body (ew). Gold accessories will look so riiiiich.

Doublju faux leather jacket / Dorothy Perkins skirt / Uniqlo nylon stocking / Black booties, $31 / ASOS clutch, $22 / Steve Madden tear drop earrings

5. Not sure about winter white? Tone it down with a ton of black. I love the idea of a sweet skirt paired with a tough jacket and tights for a winter party. It's also a great way to bridge those white pieces you own that could be for both summer and winter.

6. Load up on winter white accessories. A scarf, a coat, some gloves, whatever. I especially love winter white with dark red... it's festive without being like, hey Santa's here!

7. Choose the right footwear. It's winter, so put away the open-toed anything. Instead, go for boots and you'll be warm and super luxe. I'm super obsessed with these over-the-knee ones. Ugh. I think I need to shop.

H m coat, $55 / Aéropostale double breasted pea coat / Calvin Klein zipper jeans / Knee high lace up boots / Dollhouse black velvet boots, $40 / Sondra Roberts faux handbag / Forever 21 faux leather satchel / Style Co leopard watch / Sole Society knot stud earrings / Fringe scarve / Nordstrom wool felt hat / Glove

8. Look for knits. While summer white is best for sleek looks, winter white is meant to look cozy. An oversized sweater or wrap coat? YES PLEASE.

9. When in doubt, layer up. Winter white looks great over deeper colors, so go for a sweater or jacket over jewel tones.

See? Winter white is actually super easy, once you know what to look for. I love it for like, a work party or Thanksgiving dinner. It's pretty and cozy without being schlumpy, which is hard to do despite the fact that "schlumpy" is a word from my imagination.

So, what do we think? Yay or nay to winter white?

What I Wore: Seeing Red

I've noticed that my last like, seven outfits were some form of black, white and gray, so I felt like I needed a little color. Honestly, I just don't wear a ton of color lately: It's transitioning into colder months and I just feel like darker colors have been a no-brainer. Still, there's something to be said for red, right?

This skirt has been a favorite (worn here and here) and has magically fit me in a range of different sizes thanks to tons of stretch. I've literally been a different size each time I've worn this skirt on the blog, so let's all say a silent prayer of gratitude for Spandex.

Also: Secret way to make your legs look uber long in skirts? Wear opaque tights with same-color shoes. Does the same thing nude shoes do to bare legs. My sister in law was like "What the heck did you do to look so tall in that skirt?" I'm a sneaky sonofagun.

Top: H&M (similar) (in black) (short sleeve) (similar)

Skirt: Tailor & Stylist, which no longer exists. That's awkward. It has a bow on the bum. That's awesome. (similar) (cute panels!) (digging this leather) (plus)

Tights: F21 (similar) (similar) (plus)

Shoes: Guess (similar, limited size) (these would be so cute too)

Earrings: F21 (similar) (want) (cheap!)

My kids wanted in on the action too, this time. And they didn't look like hobos, so I acquiesced.

This was the only nice one. The rest looked like this.

Andrew might be officially too big for me to hold in pictures. Or at all. 

He's sitting on my lap right now. 

Alright, I wore some color. Now it's probably going to back to black for a while. It's November, what do you expect? 

Talking Scents

For a while, I was obsessed with the idea of having a "signature scent." You know, like a person smells a perfume and is like "OMG that is SO Jae." In high school, I doused myself in Exclamation Blush in order to accomplish this (that makes me sound very old because I'm pretty sure Exclamation doesn't exist anymore. It was up there with Baby Soft, which my BFF wore).

I became SO SURE that it was my signature that when I broke up with my high school boyfriend and he asked for his jacket back (and sent his friend over to get it because you know, mature high school relationships), I secretly sprayed a little on it so he would get it and be like "Oh, this smells like Jae and I still am madly in love with her." Even though I broke up with him.

But that's beside the point.

As I've gotten older, I've amassed more fragrance and become less enamored with the idea of having a signature. Instead, I've learned to go for specific notes that appeal to me. Less of a signature product, more of a general idea that I gravitate toward.

I do like how scents can kind of be like dressing up. I tend to spritz based on my mood or style for that day than grabbing one signature scent again and again. Whether I need to take care of business or turn it up for date night, there's totally a scent for that.

In general, I have pretty tomboyish tastes when it comes to fragrance. I always say I like it teeter on the edge of being masculine. No florals here. But I'm always up for new recommendations, so let's share, shall we? I'll tell you what I'm wearing nowadays (and when I wear it) and you can share your fave scent.

And we'll all have signature scents together.

Viktor and Rolf Flowerbomb
Best for: Everyday Wear

If I was to have a "signature," this would be it. Despite it's uber girly, floral name, I detect more vanilla in this perfume than anything. It's a super warm, subtle scent that I love. I have the roller balls and I pop one in my purse so I can apply it throughout the day.

My husband has commented to me that his receptionist at work must wear this because she smells like me and I find it oddly flattering that he can tell.

GAP So Pink
Best for: Casual Stuff

I'm not sure if they're still selling this in stores or not. I think I bought it last year. But I love it for casual days because it just smells clean: A little cirtusy and really bright and not cloying at all. It's just low key, kind of like yours truly when she doesn't have to plan for picture day.

Calvin Klein Euphoria and Forbidden Euphoria
Best For: Vamp and Vamp Light

These are definitely the strongest scents I own. I've been wearing CK Euphoria for a few years and it's still my date night go to: It's really spicy and musky. If it's a little too spicy for you, Forbidden is basically the same scent, but with more vanilla to temper that heat which I really like. It's like, Forbidden is for a movie date night, and Euphoria is for a fancy schmancy dinner. 

Yes I sound insane, but you know what I mean. Both are just super sexy, but in two different levels.

Victoria's Secret Bombshell
Best for: Taking Care of Business 

The fact that this perfume is called "Bombshell" makes me laugh a little, because I find it to be the most masculine scent I own. It's really just down-to-earth, very clean and just the tiniest bit floral. The website says "exotic?" But it really reminds me of a light cologne more than anything. I wear it when I want to feel super in charge, like during out-of-control work calls or going bathing suit shopping.

So if your definition of "bombshell" is actually "ladyboss," then yes, this is very bombshell-y indeed.

I also have Tease from Victoria's Secret and like it, but the bulb-y thingy broke and now I don't reach for it as much because that's too much work now.  But I like it: It's pretty girly and amber-y.

Bath and Body Works Wild Madagascar Vanilla
Best for: All Day (and Bargain Hunters!) 

I grabbed this as an impulse buy to get a discount a couple of months ago, and I can't believe it's become a staple for me. I don't usually like Bath and Body Works scents because they're really super strong, but this one is soft and very sweet: A little goes a long way. There was even a post about on HuffPost, which I thought was funny and gave me a little pat on the back for having good taste. I'll buy this again and totally want the rest of the line. I'm pretty impressed that this cheapie perfume smells higher end than it really is. Shhhh don't tell. Also, I don't know if it matters, but my kids LOVE this perfume. They always comment on it when I wear it. So there's that.


Do you see a pattern here? I don't have a signature fragrance, but I do choose scent based on the same three notes over again: I like vanilla undertones, a bit of spice and a warm or musky component. If I choose florals, they're usually light and combined with citrus to be less sweet.


Now it's your turn: I love getting fragrance for Christmas, so I'm looking for some of your faves. What are you wearing, what do you hate (like Beyonce's Heat omg it smelled like motor oil cat placenta), what are you asking for?

What I Wore: Measurable Goals

Yay! Halloween is over and now I shall commence doing everything I can to not jump the gun and start playing Christmas music. I told my husband I could only realistically hold off until the 15th. Measurable goals, people. 

The last couple of weeks have been uber busy on the mom side of things. I like to compartmentalize everything: Mom and family stuff is separate from work stuff, which is separate from friend stuff. And usually, through careful planning, I can totally keep them separate and functioning on their own withing losing my mind. But sometimes all that stuff sort of collides and I have to do all three at the same time. On the day I wore this, I had a work call, parent-teacher conference and girl's night with friends, so I went with casual/polished and called it good. 

Top: Victoria's Secret (here) (similar fit) Seriously every time I go into VS I walk out with two of their casual tees. Super comfy and a little sloppy, they're what I wear like 87 percent of the time. Also, size the freak down if you're buying these. They're oversized. 

Jeans: H&M (here) (similar) (plus)

Shoes: Madden Girl (similar) (similar)

Necklace, watch: Nordstrom (awesome) (yaaas) (watch here) (omg they have it in black I'm dead)

That day was psychotic, but at least I was comfortable and reasonably well-dressed and my hair was clean, which like, matters. Trying to retain some semblance of a professional career along with a social life while being a mom is so FUN right? Low standards and measurable goals: It's where it's at. 

And the Winner Is...

SEXY BABY! (Why am I writing these words on my website?) sent in by Beth! Beth, email me your info and I'll send off that gift card. Sexy Baby narrowly beat Pregnant Troll. I was secretly hoping for Sexy Oxen, but what are ya gonna do.

PS We all agree that sexy babies aren't a thing, right? They're a BBC special.


Anyway, thanks everyone for playing this year. I'm off to dress my kids up, stand outside in the freezing school parking lot and take part in a kindergarten Halloween party. After which I'll probably jump off a cliff because I hate this holiday.

Although I do have big plans to watch "Teen Witch" while I hand out candy tonight, and we all know that's the best Halloween movie of all time and the only thing that will make it bearable. Get that "Hocus Pocus" mess outta here.

Have fun, be safe, don't dress like a prostitute!

xo,
Jae