Reader Question: What to do When Fashion Sucks

I got the best email ever from reader Nelda and it raised a few questions, so I wanted to share:

"I am a faithful reader of your blog.  You are such a great writer and hilarious and you keep it real.  Thank you so much.  So I went to City Creek the other day and everywhere I saw.. mom jeans!  The horror.  I shuddered.  Then I went online today and read some article about some new "research" that mom jeans or high waisted and tapered jeans are all the rage.  See here http://qz.com/175954/a-seismic-shift-in-fashion-could-be-upon-us-the-triumphant-return-of-high-waisted-jeans/.  This is distressing to me!  How can I navigate this dark period of fashion?  I LOVE skinny jeans and colored jeans and sometimes I still rock bootcut jeans but how is anyone going to look good in a jean that takes an hour to zip up all the way and does disturbing things to one's bum shape??  Also, sidenote, I am sick of all the "ironic" clothing going on (ahem, urban outfitters).  Anyway, please advise Jae.  You keep it sane for me in the fashion world."

Let me first say: Nelda, I heart you with much hearting. But let me also say I am totally onboard with what you're saying. Sometimes, fashion sucks for a few different reasons:

• It doesn't match or look good with your body shape.
• It's for 12-year-olds, despite grown women wearing it.
• It's ugly and just plain sucks.

Mom jeans, I'm looking at you.

So what do you do when shopping makes you out-of-touch and kind of annoyed and weirdly protective of your bootcut jeans? Let's brainstorm:

1. Find Something That You DO Like

It's pretty rare that an entire season goes by that literally everything sucks. Usually, even if I'm not onboard with whatever's popular, I can find some incarnation that I do like. Take booties, for example. As a girl whose current theme song is by Nicki Minaj, sleek booties make me look like I'm a pear walking around on toothpicks. Not pretty.

But I have found, however, that wearing wedge booties or boots with a little more bulk (straps, buckles, what have you) on the foot tend to balance out my body. So hey, neat! I can wear something, even if it's not the exact duplicate of a magazine spread, right? 

The thing is that trends, whatever they are, are built around size 0 model bodies, something that I lack. If you try to mash every trend onto your bod, you're going to be disappointed. But you can still take a concept and run with it. Maybe you love the 90s resurgence happening right now but know that acid wash jeans are no good (and they are not). Go for another element -- I'm loving the 90s-inspired strappy shoes kicking around right now -- and do that instead. 

So, in Nelda's example: I would never rock a pair of mom jeans, no matter how many Miley Cyruses try to make it happen. But, I can respect a lighter pair of denim with zero irony. SO I might go shopping for a pair of light gray jeans in a fit that I love. Stick with shapes that flatter you, even if you want to try out a new color, pattern, etc (Does anyone watch Mindy Project? Last night, Morgan's "etca, etca?" Dead). 

2. Go Cheap

I still don't spent more than like, $30 on a pair of colored denim. I think they're super cute, I just don't think they're going to last forever in terms of style. And I don't want to sit and bemoan the loss of hundreds of dollars in mustard yellow jeans when they're woefully passe (I sound like an idiot right now). 

So, say you see some fashion and you're like "I don't know... maybe?" Head to a cheap place like F21 or H&M and grab a bargain-basement version. That way, you can test drive a look without committing. If you find that OMG, you're wearing that piece like, five out of five days, THEN invest in something good.

(I thought I'd love these rugged-style boots and have worn them like, three times. So glad I didn't spend a ton of money on them). I'll invest in pieces that will look good forever instead, like a solid leather jacket, a pair of riding boots or a basic pair of dark denim instead. 

3. Opt Out 

Just because something is in a store DOES NOT mean you have to (or should) buy it. I think overalls are the worst, yet they're in every junior store ever. I just pass 'em on by, because this body was not meant to dress like a farmer. 

In the end, you have to know your body and style well enough that when you see something in a store window, magazine or blog, you can tell whether or not it's for you. Don't be a trend whore about it. If you know your style well enough, then it's easy to weed out what does and doesn't work. I like structure, leather and buckles... I'm not swayed by floral prints, anything twee or "formal sweatpants" which should absolutely not be a thing. So I'm out. 

I think the mark of someone who is well-dressed is usually someone who has a distinct style and freshens it up over the course of the year. A well-chosen accessory here, adding in some color there, but still relying on the same shapes as before. 

If your body looks amazing in bootcut jeans, wear the bootcut jeans. Fit and flattery is way more important than trend factor. It's why I have lived my entire life in button-up shirts: They look good on me, no matter what. I've had this buffalo plaid shirt for five years and what do you know, buffalo plaid is big this fall.

It also explains why I've never participated in the boyfriend jeans trend. They just don't flatter me at all. So I'm not even going to try it. 

Fashion is so cyclical and fickle there's no way to keep up with every trend. Besides, you'll look demented. Know yourself and your style and you can pick and choose which trends you'll participate in and which ones you can totally roll your eyes at. 

And yeah, don't wear mom jeans please. NO ONE looks good with a 16-inch crotch. K? 

What I Wore: Seeing Stripes

Stripes are a much maligned pattern in the fashion world, with every magazine and its mother (do magazines have mothers) swearing that they'll make you look wide. But regardless of what horizontal stripes will do to you (and that's debatable), diagonal stripes are always your friend. Somehow they manage to carve out the best version of your body, like real-life Photoshop. It's gotten to the point that I can't NOT buy something if it features diagonal stripes.

Dress: White House Black Market (here) (worn with an extender slip)

Shoes: Guess (similar) (similar)

Necklace: Aldo - a gift from one of my brothers, I can't remember if it was Dallin or Jonathan (and I apologize for that) (similar) (cheap!)

When I bought this dress, it was one of those shopping experiences where everyone in the store manages to become invested in whether or not you'll buy something. I felt like I was in a Saturn commercial in 1998. I had to have a sales associate zip it up because I couldn't reach and I couldn't find my mom (I'm 12, btw) and  then three other women in the fitting rooms felt like they needed to comment on the dress as well. To be honest, I don't like letting people down, so I would have bought the thing no matter how it looked. Luckily, I love what diagonal stripes do for me, so I was happy to bring it home. 

Crisis averted.

And don't worry – I eventually found my mom. 

Freaky Friday

My house is a bit messy and I need to get dressed for workout, so I'll probably just get started without any dramatic tales of picture day and whatnot. Aren't you glad?

There's a super obvious joke here, but this is a family blog (Thanks, Wendy!)

 Oh dear, it seems as though I've left my bib in again. Well, that's what I get for eating lobster for breakfast! 

 The saddest sadsack of a sadsack dress that ever sacked. Is there even a woman in there? 

 Jaclyn sent me these super cute Doc + ugly sandal platform remix. Oh wait, did I say "super cute?" I meant "vom-inducing." 

 Your favorite sweater from 3rd grade (in 1992) is all grown up. 

 A muppet called from 2003: He wants his duster back. 

 Guys! It's time for another round of "Is This a Dress?" Let's play!

No. This is not a dress.

Thanks for playing "Is This a Dress?" Stay tuned for another round soon! 

Who is wearing these pants? Like, other than Disco Elsa. Who?!

Laaaaaadies, this coat that is so large it makes your head look like a pin is on saaaaaaaale! ($1,600, ahem), 

And off I go to enjoy my Friday. I have a chicken sandwich in the fridge and plans for tonight, so I guess you could say it's off to a great start. 

Fall Trends Under $50

As always, I watch NYFW with the same trepidation as I do an episode of Dateline NBC. Like, I'm interested, but it's going to get pretty messy along the way. Deciphering trends from whatever whackadoo Muppet stuff designers send down the runway (and people pretend to like) is definitely a challenge. Especially if you feel pressured by the "It's called fashion, look it up" mentality.

This fall, I picked out some of the trends I really liked and then tried to match them with some options under $50 because we don't all live in NYC and consider a $2,400 pair of heels "reasonable." Observe.

1. Gingham

I love clothes that have a little masculine edge (see also: the 800 camp shirts I own) so I was happy to see gingham have a moment this year. Make it less summer-y by choosing more structured fit -- less summer dresses and more pencil skirts, if you please. It's also adorable as an accessory, so hello scarves!

2. Slouch

Yaaaas, I love me a little slouch. The trick is to balance it out with a little tightness. Try an oversized sweater with sleek jeans and boots, or layer a boyfriend cardi over a pencil skirt and heels. Makes sense for fall, right? Like comfy and whatever? Love. 

3. Longer Hems

We've seen the whole "midi" length before, but this year's incarnation isn't as drastic as last year's (presumably because longer hems make everyone look short). Instead, aim for the spot just below your knee and go sleek -- a tighter skirt or an a-line with a structured blazer. And heels. Always heels. Don't fool yourself into thinking you look vintage with a midi skirt and flats. You'll just end up looking short.

4. Winter Pastel 

Weird, right? Usually fall is all about jewel tones, but icy colors are kind of having a moment right now. Which is awesome for us pink, cool-toned girls, since we look good in those colors anyway. Just avoid overly girly silhouettes or you'll end up looking like a giant ice baby. Want extra points? Team winter pastels with gold and go for icy rather than Easter. 

5. Chunky Knit

I know, I know: Knits for fall are about as new as florals for spring. But still, who doesn't love a cozy sweater when the temp gets cold (Sorry, Arizona). Look for a thinner knit, but a slouchier shape, if that makes any sense at all. And, if the thought of knits on your body make you itchy, a hat or scarf will do just fine.

So, what do we think? Any trend you want to try or is there one you hate? Also, does everyone else feel the same about Dateline too? Seriously I get sucked in every time. Who!? Who committed the grisly crime in Colorado in 1983? I must know this now. 

What I Wore: Rain, Rain

Don't worry guys, I'm sufficiently calmed down from my picture day-related tantrum, thanks to a relaxed weekend. My husband took our son camping, so my daughter and I went out shopping and stayed up till like, 2 am watching Freaky Friday (see what I did there, though?) and sleeping in. Then, Saturday was rainy. Like, all day. My husband calls that "Toronto rain" because usually, Utah will get a psychotic 10-minute downpour and then be sunny for the rest of the day, unlike Toronto, where it will drizzle and rain all day until your hair is ruined. That was what it was like yesterday. 

Since it was rainy, there was nothing to do but nap while my husband and his dad installed our new range hood. And with that, our little kitchen makeover is officially finished, hallelujah. 

We also saw a movie and grabbed a bite to eat, all while running to and from the car because it didn't stop raining until like, midnight. 

Apparently, I dressed to match (and was pretty excited to finally wear some of my fall clothes).

Sweater: Calvin Klein (here) (similar) (similar)

Pants: Calvin Klein (here) (similar) (love these)

Boots: Frye (here) These boots were an investment, but I love them more every time I put them on. No regrets here. (similar) (pretty!)

Watch

This whole week is supposed to be cold and drizzly (yaaassssssss) so I might finally be able to take the tags off of my fall clothes, which excites me more than anything really should. Seriously, if I could set the thermostat for the entire world, it would be 65, partly cloudy and a smidge rainy. Hey, once a Torontonian, always a Torontonian. 

Freaky Friday... on a Thursday

I'm forgoing a traditional Freaky Friday to tell you all about my hellish morning yesterday. It was true freakiness and resulted in me crying at Downton Abbey reruns for no reason at all, except that I was tired and things weren't going my way,

So, I'm a person who doesn't do well with changes to her schedule. I like things to be verrrrrry predictable, so when something is changed, I'm kind of like: 

And this can mean any minor change. Like, I don't even like it when someone rings my doorbell and it wasn't scheduled in my phone. Picture day at school is one of these minor changes that I fail at. Because it's not part of my regular schedule, I always end up forgetting or sending my kids in weird clothes or last year, missing them completely and then having to do makeup day and the pictures were horrible with a capital H. 

But this year? This year would be different. I would finally prove myself to be the capable adult that I play on TV. So I saved the date in my phone. I set alarms to remind me the day before and then one hour and 30 minutes pre-picture day so there was no freaking way I would ever forget.

The night before, per my reminder, I started getting the kids ready. They both got baths, and not the kind where I make them get in the shower because they're being annoying and I need like, five minutes and I don't care how clean they really get. Like, head-to-toe, scrubbing the toes with loofahs and such to get them clean. And my daughter has roughly 43 pounds of hair, so it takes forever to wash.

But you know what? I had planned for this. I knew what I was doing. I was CONFIDENT. 

I then commenced the process of blowdrying my Muppet daughter's hair, flat ironing and using rollers to give it bounce, which we discussed at length. I also pressed and starched their clothes, which never ever happens ever. 

Thursday morning I let the kids sleep in because no one wants to see a baggy-eyed kindergartner. I got them up, got them dressed, re-flat ironed hair, added gel for perfect spikes: You name it. I even got myself dressed and had cut up muffins to eat in the car on the way and gave myself the exact amount of time needed to get them to school five minutes in advance of the bell. Look at me go. 

.

Aaaaaand that's when all hell broke loose. I sent the kids out to the car. When I went to grab my keys out of my purse, they weren't there. That's fine, that's why key hooks were invented. Except they weren't there. I ran upstairs to check the bedside table, my desk, everywhere, No keys. This is a problem for me. 

I had just grabbed my phone to call Justin when my daughter came back in the house and said the words that no mother who has just taken her children out of school for two weeks wants to hear. 

"I think I'm going to throw up." 

So I'm trying to talk her into feeling better with a bottle of water while frantically typing out text messages to Justin that say things like "KEYS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" and "I'm freaking out right now" and "ANSWER YOUR PHONE" liked a crazed girlfriend. He answers and lets me know that my keys are in his pocket, and his pocket is currently in a meeting at work.

Luckily, Justin knows that I lose my everloving mind when stuff like this happens, so as I'm literally barking at him over the phone, he's already in his car to come home and drive my kindergartner (who has been waiting on the porch this entire time) to school. In the meantime, I shriek unintelligibly about Addie being sick at the worst possible time because I had to go to the store to buy goat cheese.

When Justin comes home, I naturally apologize profusely because I'm seriously an animal when I stress out. I hand him Andrew's backpack and give him strict instructions to check in at the school office and let his teacher know I won't be there to help today. Crisis averted. 

Five minutes later, Justin calls, asking where the picture day money. In all of my fastidious picture day planning, I had forgotten that you have to have a way to PAY FOR THEM. And wouldn't you know it? They only take cheques or cash, neither of which he has. 

This caused me to burst into tears. HOW DID THINGS GO SO WRONG? And, because I lack the life skills to remember that I could just pay online, I sent my husband to the gas station to get cash. 

But there was no cash back option.

So he had to go to an ATM. 

And then back to the gas station to break two $20 bills.

And then back to the school to hand the photographer the envelope, which was stuffed with bills and a few quarters because it turns out, the gas station wasn't great at making change.

In the meantime, my mom FaceTimed me to talk about a graphic design project she needed help on. She said, and I quote "I waited a couple days to call you because last time we talked you were grouchy and I wanted you to be in a good mood." 

I tell her to hang on, so I can commence calling Justin frantically every five minutes, because when I get worked up about something, there's a very small part of me saying "Jae, this doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things" and I suppress it and instead act like the money for picture day is now akin to transporting a live organ from the donor to the recipient. IT MUST BE DONE IN TIME.

And guess what? Everything was totally fine. My husband got the (completely unnecessary) cash there on time, my keys are safely in my purse, my daughter never barfed (and was in fact, fine after two episodes of Power Rangers) and I got my goat cheese.

Later, after my son got home from school, I drove to a treat store nearby and ordered 12 sugar cookies from the drive-thru for some stress-eating. The guy taking my order was like "What a world we live in, huh? You can get sugar cookies from the drive-thru. What could be better than that?" and I was like "Thanks for that insight, Cookie Yoda." 

After I have a stress episode like that, I kind of feel like The Hulk after he's like, destroyed a building. I wake up and am like "What happened? Did I do that? OMG I'm so sorry." 

I'm happy to report, however, that today, all of my plans have been executed perfectly, such as:

Showering

Eating a cookie

Looking up funny sloth gifs

Napping 

Moral of the story? Simplify. And next year, skip $@&# picture day. 

Best (and Worst) Beauty Buys

I've been writing about beauty products all morning for another site (I'll post the link when it goes live) and so I might as well review some products while I'm at it, right? I am such a beauty junky, it's really bad. So at least reap the benefits from my utter lack of self control so you know what (and what not) to buy. As always, click the pic to follow through if you want to be exactly like me and who doesn't I mean honestly.

Let's do it.

Avalon Organics CoQ10 Repair Cleansing Milk ($11.99)

I swapped my usual facial wash out for this stuff when my skin started getting dry over the summer. I also felt like after turning 30, it was time to up my game a little skin-wise. And I freaking love this stuff. It makes my skin uber-smooth and when I don't use it for a couple of days, I can totally tell in the texture. It also smells like oranges and takes of my makeup, so it's earned a permanent spot near my sink. And my heart.

But mostly my sink. My heart is full of dog videos and the last episode of Outlander. Tell me I'm not the only one.

Cailyn Art Touch Tinted Lip Gloss Stick ($19)

At first, this color seemed waaaaaaaaay too dark. But after putting it on, I was pleasantly surprised. The color is very sheer, and ended up being a cross between rose and berry. Wanna see it on me? OK.


















See? Not overwhelming, but just enough color for fall. It's been my go-to for the last week.

Maybelline Define-a-Brow Pencil ($7.99)

Usually I'm all about brow powder for when I want to clean up my Groucho Marx face. But when I'm in a hurry, I don't have time to do the whole routine. I use this pencil instead when I'm rushing now. Yes, brow pencils can be too severe, so I always draw once, and smooth it over with my finger twice. It'll reduce the harsh lines and look more natural that way. This has been an "OMG, I totally forgot I was supposed to be at the school today" lifesaver.

Vintage Glam Texturizing Powder (I got it for $8 at Sally)

Hellllllo nurse! This stuff is such a well-kept secret in hair land. You know when people magically have flawless, volumized hair and you're like "WTH I honestly can't even stand her right now"? It's this powder. It puts a little grip and substance in thin hair so you can do an updo or just sprinkle a little at your roots for lift. Seriously. I love it. I know BigSexyHair also has one called Powder Play that I liked as well, but this one had a prettier package so it won and I'm shallow.

e.l.f. Pout Perfector ($2.99)

Yeah this wasn't one of the most exciting things I've ever gotten from e.l.f. (Seriously, the HD Lifting Concealer comes with me everywhere). It's just a glittery lip gloss that looks OK over lipstick or whatever. Ehhhh. Not great. I do have to buy more concealer though, so if you have a fave e.l.f. product, I would super love to hear about it because I am incapable of just ordering one thing.

Tints and Sass (stupid name) Lip and Cheek Stain ($23)

For $23, this stuff should literally transform me into Charlize Theron. But alas, while it was passable on the lip side, the cheeks were like, negative 12 on the blendability factor and I ended up looking a demented Raggedy Ann.

Reviva Glycolic Acid Toner ($6.59)

I have used Glycolix pads  for about a year and I love them, but they required militant-like sun protection, which is annoying during the summer. So I swapped 'em out for this toner, which I use with the cleansing milk above. So soft. Want to touch the hiney.

Except I obviously use this on my face. Makes it super smooth and has even help reduce my aggressive forehead wrinkle, which I never shut up about.

L'Oreal Glossy Balm ($7.99)

I bought this at Walgreens while having immigration photos done because I felt awkward about *just* buying pictures. And it's OK. I love the texture. It's really more on the lip gloss side of things, despite clearly looking like a crayon. But the color kind of intensified as I wore it, which resulted in like, a saturated bubble gum. I wouldn't be adverse to trying a new color, because I really did like the way it feels. But me and Babydoll here are consciously uncoupling.

Benefit They're Real! Mascara Mini ($10)

If you're really into long lashes, this stuff definitely does the job. I'm more of a fat lash gal myself, but I've been reaching for this and popping it into my overnight bag a lot lately, because this gives a lot of drama and impact without having to add a lot of eyeliner, eyeshadow, etc, etc. Worth the $10 for the mini? Totally. I'll probably buy more when it runs out.




Alright, I've divulged my secret shame and purchases. Your turn. Anything you've loved or hated lately? Wanna steer me in a direction to funnel my online shopping addiction? Feel free, totally.