Freaky Friday

 It's my son's kindergarten testing day and both my kids are still passed out in bed. One day we'll work out a predictable schedule, I just know it. For now, I'm waking them up 20 minutes before the bus gets here. Hey, it's about priorities: In my home, sleep trumps all.

He starts officially on Monday, so it'll kick off the first day of me being kid-less all morning. I don't even know what I'll do with myself. Probably rummage around for cereal and watch the Today Show when I should be doing something more productive.

But also blogging about bad clothes, because that's my true calling in life.

Val sent over this skirt, which has a viewing panel for the least flattering part of your body and the convenient addition of saddlebags. 

 Deborah sent me this "prom dress" (PROM DRESS) that looks like it was made from those chenille extra blankets every hotel room has in its closet. 

 I got this excellent diaper skirt from Brenda. This is what happens when you have kids, guys: Diapers scar you so deeply for life that they're all you can see. 

Don't even get me started on the Diaper Genie. Otherwise known as the "Swamp Tube" in our home.

Brenda also sent these, which definitely look like Fat Steps on "The Mindy Project."

I really, really miss "The Mindy Project." Summer TV sucks. Thanks for nothing, "Bachelor in Paradise."

B was on a roll, because she also sent me this loin cloth. I like that the person who pinned this gave suggestions to make it more attractive. How about killing it with fire, along with those awful sandals?

Pin that, suckers.  

 I feel like this could be a costume choice for "Game of Thrones." Maybe I'll just buy it and lord myself over people from the carpool line in my Tahoe at school. 

 It's like this scarf was a project your kid made and now you have to pretend like you love it. "Aw, sweetie! I love that you used so much glitter. Okay, mommy's just going to stuff this in the back of her closet where it will be safe forever." 

 Just when you think there's no possible way to mess up a plain button-up, you scroll your mouse past this. 

I love that this sweater is the world's worst shade of pink, but also that it has holes riiiiiiight about where your nipples would be. Granted, I would hope you'd be wearing a bra and never buy this sweater, so I guess it's OK. 

Oh geez, I am cutting things dangerously close time-wise over here. Showing up late to everything is an excellent way to set a precedent, right?

Beauty Review: Younique Moonstruck 3D Fiber Lashes

A lot of my friends have permanent eyelash extensions. And they all look amazing, but I've never been able to commit to them for a bunch of reasons. First is that I just don't have the time: Fills take a few hours every couple of weeks and seriously, there's no way I could do that. Another issue is that I know that they can be damaging and I'm hyper-vain about my eyelashes. I love them. I would never do anything to jeopardize the deep and lasting relationship we have.

Also, the idea of sitting in a chair for a couple of hours, talking to a stranger who is poking at my eyes is actually horrifying to me. Social anxiety FTW!

So when reader Janica offered to send me some of Younique's 3D Fiber Lashes, I was super excited to try 'em on. I'd seen them around before, read some reviews, but never pulled the trigger.

But, I can officially tell you that I'm kind of a convert now.

It's a two-step product. After putting on your usual mascara (I wear this) you put on a sealant, then the fibers (which are made from green tea) and then the sealant again. All in all, it's about a one-minute process and I did get some killer results. Here are some before and afters (and some obscenely close shots of my face because you know, THAT'S what you want to see at 9am on a Wednesday):

 The first shot is without anything. The second, with mascara only and the third, with the fiber lashes. RIGHT!? Right.

Moral of the story: I heart these forever and I'm not just saying that because someone gifted them to me.

When I read reviews, most were positive, but a couple had some issues. After a couple of days of trial and error, I have some tips for people trying fiber lashes.

1) Don't wait forever for your mascara to dry before you put them on. The instructions say it should be dry, but I had better results when it was just *barely* dried. Like, a minute after putting it on.

2) DO NOT try and put on more than one coat of fibers at a time. The first time I put them on, I did the blinky thing I do when putting on regular mascara and I think it deposited too many fibers and they were prone to clumping flake-age. The next time, I did one sweep and that was it. And it was perfect.

I think both clumping and flaking was a concern with online reviews, but I'm pretty convinced people are putting them on too thick when they flake off. Think thin, people!

3) If you want another layer of fibers, you still need to put on the sealant, wait for it to dry AND THEN add another (singular) coat of fibers. These pics are just one coat though, so I really think one is plenty.

4) My only complaint with these bad boys is the fact that if you were, by chance, a day napper (uh, not that I am or anything) that waking up with these after falling asleep in front of Say Yes to the Dress at 3pm, they might be a little sticky.

But that's like, just a theory and stuff.

5) If you're an eyelash curler (like, someone who curls your eyelashes and not an actual eyelash curler because what are you doing on the Internet, beauty tool?) do so carefully. I found that any creases or missed spots were magnified after I put the fibers on.

Anyway, I can't remember the last time I had so much fun with a product. I'm a mascara junkie anyhow, so it was fun to play around with something that made such a huge difference.

Seriously check these babies out.

 Here they are in natural, non-crappy bathroom lighting and with a hat that I bought that I'm not very sure about just yet.

Anyway, if I were rating these, I'd probably give them like, an 8.5. I found them to be extremely effective, but there is a learning curve to using them.

If you're interested in giving them a shot, you can buy the Moonstruck 3D Fiber Lashes here. 

Yay for Minnie Mouse eyelashes and fun products! 

What I Wore: Calming Blue

 We spent all weekend celebrating the beginning of school. I took the kids out for lunch and to the arcade on Friday (where my daughter won this huge, embarrassing jackpot on one of the games so we came home with like, 6 new stuffed animals and a raging gambling addiction) and then headed out on the lake on Saturday for some tubing and wakeboarding.

Now I'm just sore and anxious because I get anxious about everything and meet-the-teacher day and the first day of school are no exceptions to that rule. I need to remember to add money to lunch accounts, wash backpacks and charm my children's teachers so they're OK with the fact that we're going on vacation in the next couple of weeks. Ugh.

 Top: a.n.a. (similar) (also pretty close) 

Skirt and belt: modbod (super cute alternative) (similar and cheap)

Shoes: Steve Madden Xfoliate (here) (almost a carbon copy)

 I love these shoes. I was afraid I was going to fall the entire time I wore them, but I love them just the same. So be advised accordingly. 

This is my fave pic from that day.

Isn't blue supposed to be a calming color? I'm going to go put it on from head to toe and I'll get through the next couple of days. I think. 

Freaky Friday

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How to: Style Cropped Pants

We all know how I feel about capris (see here if you don't and you also want to see one of the most epic throw-downs on HNTDLAM history [second only to the Yoko Ono fight])

I later had to clarify the question of length. I hate capris because they traditionally cut across the widest part of the leg and that sucks and makes legs look wide and short. I don't, however, mind a good pair of cropped pants, which cut across the slimmer part of your legs.

So, when reader Beth asked about styling cropped pants, I decided to make up some outfit ideas. As much as for me as for you, because I have a few pairs of cropped pants and I sometimes forget I even have them so I don't wear them as much as I could.

A few rules for crops before we start:

1. I like a colored crop. I have a hard time seeing myself actually purchasing like, regular blue denim crops because if I wanted those, I'd just cuff my regular skinny jeans. So, when I do buy crops, I tend to go for colored skinnies instead.

2. That's the thing: They should be skinny. No flared or wide-leg crops. They mess up proportion, and because crops visually shorten the leg, any added width is going to make a huge difference.

3. Crops should cut across the smaller part of your calf. You can also do like, ankle-length, too. On an average 5'5" woman, that means the inseam will probably be around 25 inches, but don't quote me on that.

4. Flat fronts always. Never pleats. Don't do that to yourself.

Now, because a good pair of crops should be skinny, the rest of your outfit is a question of balance. While I won't hate on you if you wear crops with flip flops and T-shirt, I don't think it's going to be the most flattering way to wear them, you know? Instead, layering and volume on top will look best.

Another awesome thing about crops? They're the PERFECT way to show off some seriously cute shoes. That makes me very happy indeed.

Here are a couple of ideas.

Casual:

J Crew long sleeve striped top / American Eagle Outfitters denim jacket / 
Tory Burch skinny jeans / Roxy black shoes / Sole Society crossbody handbag / 
Wet Seal black watch / Black and white infinity scarf / Stretchy belt, $8.39

This is obviously more of a fall outfit, but you get the idea. A little more heft on top helps to balance out the slim line of the leg, while a boat shoe exposes more of the foot, so you look a smidgen taller. I love this as a "Running errands and picking up kids" look. It's put together but also pretty effortless, so it doesn't look forced. And, when it cools off, you can throw on a denim jacket and it's uber cute. Crops are a natural pairing for layering.

Dressy:

Wallis black wrap top / Dorothy Perkins blazer / Tory Burch cropped jeans / 
Charlotte Russe black pumps / Dorothy Perkins clutch / Jules Smith 80s fashion / 
Gold necklace

Hi, cutest date night look ever. I love love love crops with a blazer -- it's like a playful version of a suit. But look for a boyfriend blazer that isn't super-tight. When you wear like, cropped blazers with cropped pants, it just looks like you had a growth spurt and grew out of your clothes.

Like I said before, use crops to show off your cute shoe collection. My husband scolds me when I wear heels on date night but I'm like hey, I'm eating and sitting in a movie theater. It's the perfect time to wear completely insensible shoes, right? If you're shorter and worried about your legs looking stubby, swap out for some pointy-toes shoes and you're golden.


So there you go. Cropped pants are one of those totally wearable trends that can go from summer to fall. If you're like "Jae, for reals?" Try it out on a pair of regular skinny jeans. Cuff them to your ankle and put on a pair of heels and a blouse-y top and see how you feel. Try before you buy, folks.

What do you think? Yay or nay to crops?

What I Wore: Newlywed Game

On Friday we went out with some of our oldest friends and had so much fun (and I wore this). We grabbed some BBQ and then saw Guardians of the Galaxy and could not stop talking until I got shushed from my husband when the move started. Hey, I was catching up! We even drove my husband's old Jeep, which was our only car when we got married. So basically I felt like a baby newlywed all night long and it was awesome.

Top: BKE Boutique (gift from husband - he has good taste, right?) (similar) (super cute) (embellished collar)

Jeans: Calvin Klein because I have like four pairs now (here as per usual)

Shoes: Top Moda (similar) (similar)

Watch, bracelet: Gucci, Marc Jacobs

Earrings: Just some hoops from F21

This is actually my favorite picture that we took. I was yelling at Justin because he was taking pictures too fast and then I spend like, nine hours deleting shots of me blinking. I'm much better looking with my mouth closed. This is me saying "Staaaaaahp you're taking them too fast!" And apparently waving my hand weirdly. 

Speaking of newlyweds, on Saturday, we went and bought an entire new appliance package for our kitchen. We've been functioning with the same appliances we bought at like, garage sales when we first moved into our house eight years ago, so it was time. I am TOO excited to have a range that doesn't set off the smoke alarm every time I boil water.

Of course, after blowing that money, I feel like we're as poor as newlyweds. I might have to restrict my shopping to recover. It's a small price to pay for a better dishwasher, right?

Freaky Friday

I took my 8-year-old shopping yesterday with her BFF for back to school. I told her to get dressed and when she came out, she was wearing a fedora, a pair of aviator sunglasses, a summer scarf and a purse. 

I told her she needed to look in the mirror and remove one accessory because I'm about those life skills.

Today is an old friend day: I'm hanging out with one friend that I've had since childhood (and happens to live in Utah and saves my sanity because her mom makes me roti when I ask) and some couple friends that my husband and I used to be basically attached to in our young and carefree newlywed days. Old friends are the best. 

But in order to do these things, I will need a shower and makeup. All in good time, because first it's Freaky Friday.  

Allison sent me this flesh-colored, pleather pleated skirt for hip grandmas everywhere. You could also use it as lame person camouflage. Just some ideas. 

Jenifer sent over this dress. And, since I don't like to judge (ahahahahahaha) I'm going to assume this woman is very focused and doesn't crave Cheetos ever. 

I mean, are we sure this is "paint?" 

(Thanks, Emilee!) 

Cari sent this glorious specimen, which is ideal for when your lips are cold, your arms are hot, and you want to look like a homemade potholder. 

Annie took this snap to prove that yes, ABC Family is now designing clothes, which probably means Melissa Joan Hart had something to do with it, and they stop every five minutes for a 20-minute break.

Only people with children understand the agony of commercials during a movie where your kids are actually interested. I hate ABC Family with the fire of a thousand suns. 

Hey, I like a strong shoulder, but I stray from anything that could be described as "shelf-like."

I'm in the middle of a historical novel right now (historical fiction lovers, I'm working through the Edward Rutherfurd books and am on "London" after just finishing "Paris" -- SO GOOD).

There was an entire section devoted to how chain mail was constructed, so I feel like I was destined to find this suit of armor this morning. 

These shoes look like they were made from Starburst wrappers. I tried to find an example but I just found these:

So I'll just skip my plans for the day and jump off a bridge instead. 

Okay, off to the shower and makeup table I go. The other thing about old friends: They remember what you looked like when you were young and skinny and fresh.