Freaky Friday

YAY I got better. And cleaned my house. And did laundry. So basically I'm amazing. Now I shall do a Freaky Friday and find something unhealthy to eat.

These C3PO pants were originally $1,400 BUT because they're ugly and no one bought them, they can now be yours for $429. A steal to make your bottom half look like an old timey robot! 

 

 You know the person who would actually wear this ring is the person who probably has a whole wall of pictures of the person she stalks. 

Also would you not feel weird inserting your finger through a baby?

 I can't even with these pants. I just... can't even. 

I feel like the designer reaaaaally phoned it on this one. Like:
Designer: I really want to do a pair of red plaid pants.
Minion: Like these?
Designer: Err not really but it's Friday and I want to go home. 

END SCENE.

 OH! YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!!!! 

Get ready for it!

I am your Grandma

...I'm so sorry. 

 Are these shorts or a chastity belt because no guy is getting near that. 

 Oh, pop your hip back in smug model. You look like hungry Dynasty.

 I know that my favorite way to style my comfy tank is with shorts that literally look like they're hiding a bowling ball/severe hip displacement. 

 If Crocs and  those platform shoes I owned when I was a teenager had a love child.

An ugly love child. 

That no one loved.

 Are they shoes that look like cookies or cookies that look like shoes? (Thanks Brenda)

That reminds me of mine and my little brothers' favorite line from a movie ever "How much about me did you like because I was a ballerina .... *sobs* AND HOW MUCH BECAUSE IT WAS MEEEE?"

I will give two points, some street cred and a chest bump to anyone who can name that movie because it featured some fine acting.

Oh cool so you put your phone in a tiny cage on your belt and stay at home because that's friggin' embarrassing.

Alright, I'm signing off for the weekend. Seriously, I've been good with eating all week, what with me having the flu and only eating crackers and all. So my entire weekend will revolve around looking for something to eat. Preferably with high cholesterol.

Explaining Jewelry: What/Where/When

My daughter and I came down with the flu on Monday, so we've been hanging out in bed and watching Netflix all day while my poor husband shops for crackers and gingerale. Therefore, I've had plenty of time to do some navelgazing and think deep thoughts on important stuff like feminism and jewelry, in that order.

I was thinking about how so much of personal style comes down to the ability to edit. You know, the ability to look in the mirror objectively and be able to see where you're going right or wrong. And jewelry and accessories are probably your greatest chance to edit your look into something more than just "I put on this T-shirt because it has the smallest patch of baby barf."

Knowing where to invest your money in jewelry and when to edit your overall look can make you look like you actually know what you're doing.

I've said it before: I have some hard and fast rules when it comes to jewelry. IN GENERAL, I

• Keep jewelry spaced out -- no big necklaces next to chunky earrings.
• Wear it sparingly.
• Don't compete with my clothes with jewelry.
• Will splurge on lasting fine jewelry.
• Will save on trendy stuff. 

Within those rules are knowing the difference between the various types of jewelry and how/when/where to wear each. Let's break it down, 80s hip hop breakdance-style. Cue the Tone Loc.

Fine Jewelry

Fine jewelry refers to the real stuff, folks. Real gold, real diamonds, real gems, etc, etc. It's the kind of stuff your husband gets you for Valentine's Day if you're lucky or that you buy yourself because you're an independent woman who don't need no man to buy you jewels. Your diamond wedding ring, for example, would qualify as fine jewelry.

And yeah, you're gonna pay for it, which is why you should buy judiciously. These are my "must have" fine jewelry pieces. Of course, these are only must haves if you're in a position to actually purchase fine jewelry. Otherwise, you can feed your kids and skip to the next section.

• A pair of diamond studs. I like round or square, but it's up to you. They will ALWAYS look good and clean and classic, even if they're teeny. 
• A wedding ring set OR if you're not married, a right-hand ring. I have both. I have an engagement ring and three wedding bands, and then Anjolee sent me this crazy gorgeous band that I wear on my right hand. It's original but understated, which means I can wear it every day. Love. 
• A tennis bracelet. It will ALWAYS look elegant. ALWAYS. You could be wearing body glitter and a pink cowboy hat and a shimmery romper and if you had on a pretty bracelet, I can respect that. Mine looks a lot like this, which I think is interesting and graphic without being crazy. 

That's it! I don't even include necklaces on here, because while I have fine jewelry necklaces, I don't think I'd die without them. I think necklaces are the easiest to change out and make a statement with, so I prefer to buy trendy necklaces and spend money on pretty rings instead.

 Heirloom Jewelry

I am the least sentimental person on the planet. But I do get a little tender about jewelry because I really like a visual reminder of a person. Here's where it's tricky: There are guides on the Internet that tell you what color of jewelry you're supposed to wear based on your skin tone and I think it's a load of crap. It's jewelry. Wear what you want. According to my cool skin tone, I should be wearing only silver, but if I stuck with that, I'd miss out on some of my favorite jewelry pieces passed down to me.

My Nanny (very Canadian name for Grandma) was very into jewelry and when she passed, I inherited some seriously cool pieces from her. She also left me a bunch of books that she knew I'd love, but I feel like I get to wear and use the jewelry so much more often.

The other day, I was wearing my RCAF WWII Sweetheart's locket (seen here). My Grandad gave it to my Nanny when he was stationed overseas and their very young pictures are inside. Anyway, I was at a bakery and the cashier was like "OMG I love your locket, where did you get it?" And telling her that it was my grandmother's was awesome. It's big and gold and it's one of the best pieces I own (she also gave me an AMAZING garnet bracelet).

What I'm saying is that the best way to own heirloom jewelry is to actually wear it. Unless it's incredibly fragile, I think that whoever left you the piece would want you to enjoy it, even if it doesn't match your skin tone or it's technically out of fashion.

One of the main reasons I thoughtfully buy fine jewelry is that I want to have pieces to pass down to my own kids one day. It's important that they have useable reminder, not just something sits on a shelf, you know?

Costume Jewelry

Finally, here's where it gets fun. Costume jewelry is cheap, trendy and not built to last. While I don't mind spending $$ on fine jewelry, I am the cheapest sonofagun when it comes to buying trendy pieces for a season.


And, since jewelry tastes vary, I'll show you some of my favorite places to shop for trendy costume jewels -- page through and see what you like:

Forever 21: Tons of selection and WAY cheap, but the stuff falls apart pretty quick. I hit here when I need a statement piece for like, a night or a specific outfit and I won't be wearing it every day.

forever 21 jewelry

Kohls: Slightly better quality than Forever 21 and they have a decent fine jewelry department too. I like buying jewelry here as gifts.

kohls jewelry

H&M: I like H&M for gold pieces. They actually do a pretty good job. I buy a lot of pretty hair pins, etc. there.

h&m jewelry

Macys: I like department stores because they have a HUGE selection and usually have some type of sale. While they will have lots of fine jewelry, searching "fashion jewelry" yields the good stuff on the cheap.

macys fashion jewelry

I mean, we're talking basically throwaway stuff that won't last more than a season or two. Costume jewelry is also a great way to try out a trend to decide if you'd like to spend more money on the real deal, ie: I really liked bow earrings so I bought a cheap pair from F21. When I found that I was wearing them on the reg, I bought a nice pair.

Seriously, I wouldn't spend more than like $20 on a trendy necklace or bracelet and cap it around $10 for earrings and rings.


And that, my friends, is what happens when you have the flu and nothing to do all day. I think I'm on the mend... I don't feel as sick, just weak and tired. Sooo basically look forward to an en-depth post on parting your hair or something.

For now, I'm wondering about your favorite type of jewelry. Are you a minimal girl or are you all about the stacks on stacks on stacks?

What I Wore: Long Story Short

I spent all day Friday with the burning need for a hair appointment, so I headed down first thing Saturday morning and ended up chopping off a ton. Like, I looked at the floor after and nearly had a heart attack.You can see my new hairs here. Seriously, my hair grows so fast that I don't mind a dramatic cut every now and again and it's fun to do something totally new. Also, clothes look totally different with short hair. So I feel like I have a whole new wardrobe basically.

But I still have like, three outfits where I still have long hair. I always know that my hair is getting too long when I end up wearing it in a bun half the time. I almost never go out in public with a bun, but here I was, running kids around and going to a meeting like so:

Tank: Gap (similar) (similar and in a shaper!) (in a tee)

Chambray: I think Papaya or in Canada wow top-notch blogging, Jae (similar) (similar) (plus size)

Pants: KUT from the Kloth (here in red plum) (similar)

Boots: Soda I think! (omg I love these) (way cheap) (similar)

Watch: Local craft fair (similar)

Ugh the collar on this shirt is rolled and it's making me a little crazy.

Thursdays are gymnastics days, which mean I spend an hour and a half sitting in the bleachers and eavesdropping on other annoying parents. I get SO ragey there. People are constantly sprawling out in the seats so you can't get through while letting their toddlers rifle through my bag and once I overheard a couple have a full-on "YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME" fight while I pretended to read my Kindle. I pay over $100 per month for this privilege. 

So yeah, I dress comfortably because it's a lot of sitting around. Thank you to whomever created corduroy stretchy pants. You are my hero. Also helpful: Leaving early enough that I have time to grab a dirty Dr. Pepper on my way, because coconut syrup makes it allllll better.

Hopefully you had a good weekend and may your gymnastics class be free of other parents. 

And may winter be over so I can put my kids in a less annoying sport.

Freaky Friday: Manly Men

Want to hear my awesome thought process/follow through the other day?

I saw a shirt online that I really liked. I honestly would have bought it immediately if my credit card wasn't ALL THE WAY downstairs. So then I started thinking: A store about 20 minutes away from me carried that brand. I could go there and save on shipping! Brilliant.

So instead of just going downstairs and getting my wallet, I proceeded to pick my son up from preschool and continue on to the mall. I got there and realized that they didn't have the shirt I wanted in stock. So I proceeded to look around, grabbing a few things and trying them on.

I bought two shirts, the total of which was around $60. Actually, maybe $50 because $10 of that was Under Armour headbands. They're great. ANYWAY. (Just so you know, I talk like this in real life. I can't stick to just one thought, I have to Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon everything and it takes one full hour to tell a 30-second story. It's SO annoying. Ask my friends).

I headed back home and then proceeded to order the original shirt that I wanted online, only to find out that it was free shipping.

.....

Moral of the story: Check shipping deals before you walk into a mall because you WILL buy something. What was a $27 shirt ended up costing me closer to $100 because I have poor decision-making skills and really bad willpower.


Now, after that amusing romp, here's some manly men being manly. Because I can only harp on female fashion so much and some readers sent me some solid male FF material.

 If Super Mario and George Clooney had a love child and that child grew and became a shortish male model and walked for Donatella Versace. 

 If this is what the back looks like, I can't imagine the front.

Oh... wait yup, I just imagined the front. 

Yeah it's bad. 

 MY EYES ARE UP HERE. Pigs. 

Seriously actually so jealous of this guy's cleavage. It's the stuff dreams are made of. 

 #thighgap

#slimgirlishfigure

#peachshorts4lyfe

#piercingstare
#whyisyourhairblue

OMG remember these pants that could zip into shorts?

I do, because I went to a very weird high school called Exeter. It was SO bad. All the teachers were like, 22 and straight out of college and were constantly getting in trouble for inappropriate relationships with students. We went to grade 13 back then, so the students would literally be 19. You were also allowed to sign yourself out if you didn't feel like going to class and there was a sports bar in the cafeteria called The Falcon's Nest. 

None of this is a joke. But what was a joke? EVERY 22 year old male teacher wore these with running shoes. Every. Single. One. Even my favorite math teacher, Mr. Hull, who played hockey with students on the weekends and looked like Keanu Reeves and caused me to eventually fail Calculus when I transferred to a *real* high school. 

Exeter people, back me up on this. 

 I really would prefer to not share clothes with my guy. Particularly if they include a chest hand-warmer. 

Also, look at that inner thigh meet flapping in the wind. LOOK AT IT. 

(Thanks, Dawn!)

 Meggings. Jeggings for men. I just.. I don't... I can't. 

Also is no one concerned about the bulge factor? I feel like we need to come up with a word that means like, the opposite of cameltoe.

Camelhump?

**UPDATE: Word on my Facebook page is that the actual term is "mooseknuckle" so there you go. Try and use it in a sentence today**

 OK, the only thing worse than an angsty lyric shirt is one that contains grammatically incorrect lyrics from Drake, who raps like a girl on her period. We GET it. You have FEELINGS.

 Oh hey, whatcha doin' there, Ryan Lochte? Wearin' a women's moto vest and trying to form a coherent thought? 

That's cool. 

It was actually really refreshing to make fun of men. Let's do it again sometime. For now, I'm signing off with a solemn promise to not shop this weekend.

*Cue me just ending up shopping online anyway*

Jae Raids the Drugstore: Best (and Worst) Beauty Buys

Yay it's time for another beauty review post! Also, I have to tell you guys that I was at the mall on Monday, because -- you know -- Disney Store, and my family and I were in the food court gorging on Chick-Fil-A when a very, very, very badly dressed woman showed up and had someone taking pictures of her. I assume it was a fashion blogger of some sort because she was arranging and showing off what seemed to be really short bellbottoms and that fabric vest thing I had when I was 12. They even asked some poor guy to get out of the way for the pictures and I was DYING.

See also: Why I will never take outfit pics in public.

See also, also: Why I hate fashion bloggers.

I thought you'd enjoy that scenario. Because we're friends.

Anyway, on to the reviews! Here's what I've bought lately!

Maybelline Volum' Express The Mega Plush Mascara

Ughhhh this stuff is the worrrrrst. First of all, it's spelled volume, you can't just throw an accent in there and change the spelling. I bought this because I love things that say volume on them, or volum',as it were, and I thought this would be a good buy. IT SAYS MEGA. Instead, I got a brush that has the rigidity of cooked spaghetti and smeared EVERYWHERE. Like seriously. Sucks so bad. I even tried another brush to see if it made a difference and the formula was still crappy.

Urban Decay Naked Palette

I knew I was going to ask my husband for a Naked palette for Christmas, but I didn't want to do it until Naked 3 came out so I could compare all three. In the end, I went with the first palette. The second was too light for me and the third just didn't seem to have enough must-have colors. I mean, I'll still probably buy it, but this was a better place to start.

The colors are CRAZY amazing and soooo soft. Like, I want to say buttery, if it didn't make me actually crave butter. I've worn these every day since Christmas and the looks are always a little different. The highlighter shade is ah-mazing. Also, these colors don't crease, which is fantastic. I have the biggest eye creases ever. It's like the Grand Canyon up in there.

Also, if you have the chance to get the primer with this, do it. The color payoff it SO much better with the base and it lasts for forever. My husband was wise and got me two tubes of the stuff, so I"m set.

Yes, it's pricey. But for someone who goes through eyeshadow palettes like Miley Cyrus goes through flesh-colored bodysuits, it's worth the money.

VS Makeup VS PRO Magic FX Hypergloss Eye Shimmer

This stuff is magical, people. MAGICAL. It's a highlighter with a little bit of sparkle -- like, slightly chunkier than you'd get in a regular highlighter. I've been wearing it with the lightest Naked shade and just in the corner of my eyes and it's just enough to pop without looking like a stripper. And you know I'm all about not looking like a stripper.

e.l.f. Studio Conditioning Lip Balm SPF 15

I'm not even gonna lie, I threw this in my last ELF order because I had to get to $25 for free shipping. So I was pretty surprised when it became my hands down favorite product in the bunch. It's just a little tinted color, which is great with like, a smokey eye. I got a few more to stash around my bag and my husband's Jeep. And come on, it's like $3. I got some at Target, so you don't have to order to get more.

Maybelline Baby Lips Dr Rescue Lip Balm

YOU GUYS. Baby Lips, my fave lip balm of all time, has come out with a medicated version. I was so excited that when I found it I ran home and announced it to my friends on Facebook because sharing is caring.

I bought the coral color and I have no idea of the medicated stuff does anything, but it's kind of minty and enjoyable and I wear it nonstop all day. It's glossy and not sticky at all, with just a little color. I have like, six of these now. They're my precious...es.

Maybelline Volum' Express The Falsies Mascara - Black Drama

OK, so this didn't suck as hard as the Mega Plush, but it's still pretty sucky. Maybe I should stop buying things that say volum' on them. WHEN WILL I LEARN. Anyway, this brush felt slightly less like it needed Viagra, but it's still not great. I found it to be clumpy and flaky after a few hours. Live and learn, folks.

L'Oreal Paris Ideal Clean Foaming Gel Cleanser for All Skin Types

I'm suuuuuper picky about face washes and I usually use Clean and Clear, but it wasn't taking my makeup off very well -- especially after I switched to using the Urban Decay eyeshadow primer. So I swapped it out for this stuff, which is gel based and banishes every trace of makeup at night. And! It doesn't make my skin feel tight which is a crappy feeling. So it gets a thumbs up from me and my poor eyelids, which were scrubbed within an inch of their lives.

Haha eyelids don't have thumbs that's silly.

Maybelline The Colossal Volum' Express Washable Mascara

Nope, I didn't learn. After hating the first two volum' mascaras, I BOUGHT ANOTHER. WTH? But! I was pleasantly surprised by this one, so there. It gives tones of volum(e) and doesn't clump up, which I like. I also bought it in waterproof and it sticks around all day, so that was a major plus as well. Is it as good as by beloved Diorshow? Heck no. In fact, I'm running to the department store in a few minutes to replenish my stock. BUT! It's a solid backup and one from Maybelline that I didn't want to kill with fire. Win.


OK, that's all the products I could see littering my vanity at this time. What about you? Have any hits or misses to share?

What I Wore: Leather Weather

Aaaand I'm back. My kids are off school for MLK day and they're driving me nuts. I let them stay up WAY late last night in an effort to get them to sleep in this morning. Of course, they woke me up around 7, so that was an epic fail on my part. Now we're all just tired and grumpy and I may have bribed them with a trip to the Disney store if they're quiet. Excellent parenting, as always.

For now, here's an outfit post. I went on one of my classic shopping benders a week or two ago. It still wasn't as bad as the one last fall, but I accidentally bought stuff online and in person and it looked like a lot to my husband when it all arrived on the same day. Whoops. ANYWAY here's some of the stuff I bought shh don't tell.

Shirt: Calvin Klein (It's one of the "City Shirts" and it fits SO WELL. Like, I die over the fit and never want to take it off. This is a small, but they have tons on the site and the store is 30 percent off right now. Just sayin' And if you buy some we will be twins because I want more) (Here) (in solid)

Cardigan: Calvin Klein - the sleeves are suede omg (here) (similar plus size)

Pants: H&M (similar) (if you don't want to commit to all leather I totally understand)

Boots: Call it Spring Milada (here)

I feel like I'm wearing a lot of things that shouldn't be versatile, but are. Those boots go with everything and I can't stop wearing them. I love that they have a little wedge but are super comfortable -- I wore them through several hours of shopping and have no complaints. I've been wearing them with some faded black jeans and I feel like it increases my overall coolness factor like, at least 30 percent. 

And my trusty old leather pants give just enough to what would otherwise be a pretty conservative outfit. SO glad I have them, even if they're not a total must have, you know? I have to wear them when it's still cold outside because once it gets about like, 75 degrees these have to go away. 

Sweaty leather legs are not pretty.

Anyway, it's good to be back. I miss this crappy old blog. Come back on Wednesday for a beauty review post and find out why I literally have four completely full tubes of mascara on my vanity right now. 

How to Wear Different Boot Heights

 ***Hey guys, this is totally a repost. We had some really sad stuff happen in our little community over the weekend (I'm not trying to be vague on purpose, it's just not up to me to divulge the details) and it would be wholly inappropriate to react by posting pictures of myself prancing around on the Internet. I know I'm always bummed when a blog has old or no content for a week, but it's a necessary evil at least until Monday. You guys still love me, right?**

As the coldest winter in the history of mankind trudges on, I've found that I literally have not worn anything but boots for like, a month. Yesterday, while I was organizing my closet -- yes, I occasionally do that -- I was pulling out boots left and right and mentally cataloging all of the boots I want to buy when they go on sale in like, March. Oh yes, they will be mine. Anyway, since I'm kind of sick of wearing boots in general, I thought it might help if I made some outfit ideas with different boot lengths. Because seriously, if I have to wear another boot/cardigan combo, I might throw up. Of course, that might have something to do with the flu but STILL.

Ankle Boots

People Tree jersey shirt, $43 / Mango slim jeans / Aéropostale studded shoes / Messenger bag / Black jewelry / Giani Bernini celtic jewelry, $13

Ankle boots are tricky for me because I have a generous backside which is a really nice way of saying huge butt. Little shoes + huge butt makes me look like Humpty Dumpty. Still, you can get away with it as long as you know your proportions and you keep your clothes slim-fitting. Wearing ankle boots with too much volume up top could make you look like you have teeny little pins for legs ESPECIALLY if you carry your weight in your belly. I like ankle boots with tons of hardware, since they look more substantial to stay balanced. Also notice that all the boots today are flat because hello, it's winter and I live in Utah and everything is covered in ice. The other day I was wearing like, the smallest 1" heels and I almost killed myself trying to get into our Jeep. I have learned my lesson.

Mid-Calf Boots

Roxy raglan sleeved t shirt / Military coat, $40 / Big Star boyfriend jeans / Charlotte Russe zipper boots / Zipper bag / Frye leather bracelet

Mid-calf boots can visually cut your leg in half, so I like to wear mine with a rolled cuff, That way, I'm controlling where the cutting happens and I can extend it a little. Luckily, I have longer legs and I can deal. This would not be great if you have short legs... it'll look like you have little knee stumps. Choose an ankle or knee boot instead. I love wearing my mid-calf boots with tomboy-ish stuff. I think they look better with looser, less prim clothes. I may have worn an exact replica of this outfit a few days ago, except that I also wore a hat. My hair was messy and I have roots. Don't judge.

Knee-High Boots

Boyfriend cardigan / Zalando cotton blazer, $24 / H&M leopard print skirt, $32 / Old Navy low heels / Mango patent leather tote / Yellow jewelry

These babies are the most flattering and where you should start if you're a total newb. You probably already know how to wear skinnies with knee high boots, but I also wear my flat boots with skirts, too. I like how it makes them look more sporty and less board room, so you can get away with wearing them casually. Tip: Wear tights, too. It's hard to go wrong with knee-high boots, they're super easy. I wear mine with colored skinnies, jeans, skirts and maxi dresses and skirts.

Over-the-Knee Boots

Button down shirt / Skinny fit jeans, $35 / Charlotte Russe kitten heels / Canvas satchel, $16 / Leather cuff bracelet, $40 / Juicy Couture jewelry / Topshop 

Alright, Pretty Woman. If you're looking for some over-the-knee boots, remember that they make your legs look really short. To balance it, belt your shirt at your skinniest part and it'll trick people into thinking that's where your legs start. That way, you get longer thighs before the boot cuts 'em off. Wow, that sounded really violent. Also, choose boots that go JUST over the knee. Anything higher and you're off to Hookerville, do you hear me? I like over-the-knee with more polished looks and jeans rather than skirts.

Surfing around and finding outfits has given me some awesome boot ideas and I really bad case of I-want-to-buy-everything-itis.

What's your go-to boot outfit? Seriously I am SO boot-bored and need ideas!