Freaky Friday

So the other day my dad sent me an email with a funny picture. Then, while FaceTiming with my mom, he came in the room and asked if I had seen it. My mom was like "Where did you find that picture, Ricky?" (Yes, my dad's name is Ricky. Not Rick or Richard. Ricky. It's the best.) He was like "Pinterest!" My mom was like "Uh, since when do you use Pinterest?" And he just quietly shuffled out of the room.

Now, you must understand that my parents are the two most unintentionally hilarious people ever. My mom is like hyper-confrontational and opinionated and my dad is a sweet Mr. Magoo type and together, they are awesome and provide endless hours of entertainment for me and my brothers. Observe this exchange which occurred when  watching "Date Night" with my parents, brothers and kids and the strip club scene started.

My Dad: OK, kids, you need to go play somewhere else.
My daughter: Why, Poppy? (I die with cuteness overload because my kids call my dad Poppy)
My Dad: Because this is an adult film.
Me: Um, can we call it a "grownup movie" because I really don't want her telling people we let her watch an adult film.
My Mom: Yeah! Double-XL!!
Me: That's a clothing size. You mean XXX.
My brother: WHY ARE YOU SO OLD?

And yes, Double-XL has in fact made it into the family vocabulary for anything racy.

Anyway, as an ode to my Pinterest-loving dad, I got sucked into the archives over at everyone's favorite everyone-is-better-than-me showcase to find some bad fashion. Let's all say thanks to Ricky for providing this opportunity.

By the way, this is the picture he sent me:

 He's a biker. So naturally when he saw my favorite thing and his favorite thing together, he knew it was a win.

And yes I want one. Can you imagine grocery shopping with that bad boy?

 This is an ostrich feather veil. They use it as torture devices for people whose hands are covered in paint and can't scratch their noses.

 For when you don't have time to touch up your pedicure before you wear heels at the pool like a shmuck.

How to: Tell your mom you're sick of being in charge of bringing rolls to Thanksgiving dinner in a passive aggressive manner. 

 This is how I reacted to these shoes.

An entire statement necklace made from 6-inch geodes? Really? I just...

 In high school I had a pair of clogs (shut up) and when I wore them to class, one of my male friends was like "Well, well, well, look at those clodhoppers" and I never wore them again. But partly because my dog ate them. REGARDLESS, I hear his voice in my head in relation to these shoes.

 Remember when Ann Taylor got busted for grotesquely Photoshopping their models so they looked like weird, skinny aliens? OK, they do that daily. Here, here and here, if you're interested. Just wear this dress and you can skip the Photoshop and look like a skinny linebacker instead.

These would be a nightmare for my creepy little baby hands. And by nightmare I mean full glove.


Alright, thanks to my Dad for inspiring FF today. He's the coolest.

Also, I didn't put up Christmas last week, but it's happening tomorrow. I just bought a new wreath and I like, can't even function right now because I know that I'll be listening to Michael Buble come morning time.

The 10 Commandments of Scarves

So my cute cousin Sarah was asking me about scarves the other day and I realized that I had done a 10 Commandments of Belting but that I had left scarves out in the cold. And, since they're totally my favorite way to accessorize, they deserve a little love. So, beginners unite! Let's talk scarves.

1) Thou shalt tie thy scarf in different ways. For whilst a basic tie is nice, thou shalt be more adventurous. Thou shalt also watch this video for ideas.



2) Thou shalt contrast thy number of layers to the size of thy scarf. If thou art wearing lots of layers, thou shalt wear a simpler scarf -- otherwise, thou might lookest like a hipster. If thy outfit is simple, thou can wear a larger scarf.

 

3) Thou shall tuck the ends of thy scarf if thou is wearing a neck with a deep V. It lookest like an ascot and is delightful unto me.



4) Thou shalt belt a voluminous scarf, lest thou be mistaken as with child.

Lulu Floral Pattern Scarf (Juniors)

5) Thou shalt make a boring outfit exciting by using a patterned scarf. I wouldst say "Jazz up" but thou knowest I hate the term. Still, thou shall not be afraid of prints.



6) Thou shalt never drape thy scarf over thy shoulders, for thou art not an eccentric old artist lady.

Tildon Polka Dot Infinity Scarf

7) Thou shalt stop being confused about how to wear a scarf when thou shall buy an infinity scarf. Lo, it is one continuous loop and thou needest only slip it over your head. Thou can do that.

Nordstrom Wool Scarf

8) Thou shalt wear thick scarves during the winter and thin scarves during the summer. Thou shalt look for wool-based scarves right now, because winter shall arrive soon.

9) Thou shalt layer necklaces over scarves, if thou art adventurous.

10) Thou shalt never overthink scarves. Scarves shall be fun accessories and should not be intimidating. If thou art intimidated by an article of clothing, thou shalt be checked by thy doctor for social anxiety.

Thou may also ask scarf-related questions in the comments section.

What I Wore: Toned Down

How was everyone's weekend? We ended up having to reschedule family pictures because of the weather and I held off putting up the Christmas tree -- but I'm definitely doing it this coming Saturday. We decided to have one last "do nothing" weekend before the holidays kick in, so we went out to eat, saw "Ender's Game" (we were supposed to see "Thor" but there were no good seats left and I was happy because I wanted to see EG anyway) and hung out around the house and actually cooked a couple of meals. Lovely. But now I'm ready to get my Christmas season on, so watch out.

Oh, I also wore this. This dress is A LOT (read: Jessica Rabbit-esque) on its own, so I had to tone it down a little. Blazers are my favorite way to make a cocktail dress less... cocktail-y?

Dress: Dorothy Perkins (here and it's on sale!) (not petite) (their dresses... I die) (and cheap!)

Blazer: F21 (perfect shape) (pretty for holidays!) (cheap!)

Tights: I think I bought them in Canada last year? (similar) (plus size)

Shoes: Guess (similar) (pricey but pretty!)
Bracelet: c/o Wizards of the West
Earrings: F21

Red animal print just makes me happy. And sorry I've been wearing these shoes so much, but they have a gold heel and are the perfect shape, so I can't stop myself. And I LOVE pairing patterned tights with patterned dresses. Gives the outfit depth without being like, woah. 

I'm glad I have readers who totally understand what "like, woah" means.

Anyway, a solid cocktail dress and a blazer and closet must-haves as far as I'm concerned. Super versatile too -- You could throw a sweater over the dress and use it as a skirt and blazers literally go with everything and make you look like a boss. 

...a toned-down boss. 

Freaky Friday

 It's cold and rainy today, which means snow is probably on its way to the mountain. On the bright side, it's not like we had family pictures scheduled for tomorrow or anything OH WAIT YES WE DID.

I just bought a new blanket sweater and so I've got my foot heater on, I'm bundled up and we made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I'm kiiiind of tempted to put up my Christmas decorations tomorrow. Is it too early? Tell me honestly.

I guess I'll distract myself with ugly clothes for now.

 Robin sent along this gem. Is there any time when a garment the zips over the entirety of your face is necessary? I mean other than being a creepy floral axe murderer, of course.

 BOOBS GO HERE.

 Meleah sent over these pants, which were like $430. I think they might be priced per inch of crotch-drop.

 She also sent these ones, which honestly just look unsanitary in a "I just dragged my pants all over a mall bathroom" kind of way.

 This looks like a superhero sweater. And your superhero name is Breastplate Rose.

 And here's your cape.

Made from Snuffleupagus hide.

 This might be the ugliest jacket I've ever had on the site. And that's saying something, because they are everywhere. Are the pockets giving me a snide smile? I DON'T KNOW.

Sherpas. So hot right now.

 Also, this.

My husband and I were laughing at this last night. Really, Mariah Carey? Working for millions of dollars for like, three months was literally like going to work every day in HELL with SATAN?

Maybe we're being just a little dramatic? Someone put that girl in the mines.

Alright, I'm off for the weekend. And maybe putting up Christmas decorations What who said that?

5 Makeup Tips for Glasses-Wearers

Hey glasses-wearers, if you didn't figure it out from the title, this one's for you. I've had a loooooong history with glasses. I got my first pair in kindergarten, thanks to a raaaaging case of amblyopia, which is more commonly known as "lazy eye." The optometrist tried to correct it with the world's hugest glasses, which didn't work. Long story short, I lost almost all vision in my right eye. Even better is the fact that my left eye is nearsighted, which means I will have to wear glasses for forever.

And sometimes, when I'm really tired, I'll still go cross-eyed. It's very attractive. I call it my "bedroom eye." 

Another fun side effect is that I only have to buy contacts for one eye, which saves money and time. Although my husband makes fun of me mercilessly every time I only fill one side of the contacts case.

So when I'm not wearing my contact, my glasses are glued to my face. Usually first thing in the morning when I'm too tired and uncoordinated to poke a small lens into my eye. I just got new glasses a month or two ago -- you can see them here. I love 'em.

And while I love that glasses make it, you know, legal for me to drive, I don't love how they can sometimes magnify eye probs like puffiness and darkness. SO when I know I'm going to wearing my glasses out and about, I take special care with my eye makeup so it's all kosher and my glasses look more like an accessory and less like "It was the weekend and my eyes were tired and I was too lazy to put in a singular contact."

1. Brighten Up!

Darkness gets magnified by glasses, so make sure you conceal and brighten any dark spots. I always use a concealer that has a yellow or pink hue to counteract the blue and gray tones under the eye. But don't forget to brighten the upper lids too -- I feel like people often forget that when you're tired, your WHOLE eye area looks tired. After concealing, I dot a little shimmer (in pink or white) into the tear duct and then on the brow bone area.

eye brightener

2.Tame Your Brows

Fun fact: When I wear sunglasses and raise my eyebrows, I look JUST like my dad. Who my son thinks looks JUST like Tony Stark so basically I look like Robert Downey Jr.

ANYWAY, brows can look unkempt against the graphic shape of glasses, so make sure they're tamed. I wax mine and then cut 'em down because they are CRAZY. After that, I use a little hair pomade to put them into place and that's it. If you have sparse eyebrows -- which totally happened to me over the summer after a bad waxing incident -- fill 'em in with an eyebrow pencil first.

Also, I feel like a post on brow shaping may be in order. Yes?

eyebrow pencil

3. Get Matchy

No, don't match your eyeliner color to your frames, but DO match the thicknesses. It's the easiest way to create a proportional eye and make the whole process foolproof. If you have thin frames, you need thinner eyeliner to avoid looking like you're wearing a crapload of makeup. Thicker frames? Go for thicker eyeliner so your eyes don't get lost. My frames are a thick tortoiseshell so I like doing like, a plum liquid eyeliner. I used to wear thinner frames, though, and then I could get away with minimal liner and mascara.

eyeliner

4. Go Waterproof

Depending on how long your lashes are, they can leave annoying smudges on your glasses. And then you get all ragey. I have experience. Also, I find that I touch my eyes more when I wear glasses anyway, since I can take them off and rub my eyes -- not OK with contact(s). So I wear waterproof mascara when I'm also wearing glasses. No smudges. Also, no smudges when I sob watching YouTube videos of dogs meeting with their owners after they've been in Iraq. SO EMOTIONAL.

waterproof mascara

5. Wear Color

When in doubt, a bold lip balances out your face when you're wearing glasses.Whether you like a red or you'd rather go for some coral or pink, going for some color can help define your lips and make up for a lack of definition in the eye area. I prefer a gloss because lipstick gives me anxiety when it wears away. A stain works really well too!

red lip

So, where are my glasses-wearing girls? When I was a kid I was convinced that wearing glasses made me smarter, which explains why I peaked at like age 11 after I stopped wearing them regularly.

And yes, I still wear them when I want to look smart.

What I Wore: Leopard Love

You guys, I am dangerously close to overdoing it with the leopard. I just can't even handle how versatile it is and how you can use it like a neutral. I was looking through my closet the other day and it was just all leopard, all of the time. I think I need a new signature pattern. Because the last couple of times I've taken outfit pics, I've been wearing leopard and it seems weird to post them separately.

So you get both.

Outfit #1:
Cardigan: c/o mod bod (omg this please stop me from buying it) (similar) (obsessed)
Skirt: c/o mod bod (similar) (cheaper)
Boots: Crystal (similar) (awesome basic)
Necklace: Plunder (here)

Outfit #2:
Top: Chelsea & Theodore (here) (omg plus sizes. this with a pencil skirt? dead) (love this print)
(But seriously, faux wrap drape tops are EVERYTHING right now and crazy super flattering, so get one in your closet.PS I'm buying this one in black too I love it so much)
Jeans: Calvin Klein (here and seriously, they look good on everyone.)
Shoes: Mossimo (so pretty) (love this for fall)
Cuff: F21 (similar)


OK, so looking through all those clothes just made me want to buy more leopard, not less. Save me from myself please.


What's your favorite print? I'm partial to snake as well, I just don't have as much. Ooh and I love all things peacock.

OK, so just all animal prints, all the time.

Freaky Friday: So Fashion!

I'm always paging through magazines (whilst ignoring my children) and looking at gooorgeous couture. That I would never be able to afford/couldn't wear without getting McDonald's sweet and sour sauce splashed across the front/would look ridiculous wearing to a parent-teacher meeting. But while there are amazing pieces out there for people who have lots of money/don't have children/shop their feelings, there is A LOT of terrible couture that gets to go in the WTH files.

So the next time you're feeling bad that you can't afford that $5K mink hat, first remember that no one needs a mink hat and second, that a lot of people pay a lot of money to look reeeeeally stupid.

 In the market for some uncomfortable-looking pleather gym shorts? Wear these and you will literally sweat away the pounds AAAAND smell like plastic AAAAND have no friends.

 You know when you hear yourself saying something to your kids, like "We don't sell our brothers at the lemonade stand" and you're like "I feel like I shouldn't have to say this."

These would cause nonstop "Please stop licking my ankles. NO YOU MAY NOT have some of the fake candy on my $900 shoes."

Also, they had these styled with a business suit.

"I usually take women seriously when they wear candy shoes" said no boss ever.

 Oh good, I was looking for some boots wearing shoes.

This is a clutch. It's also an excellent way to look like a petulant teen even though you're a grown woman.

It's like a nice cashmere sweater and the ugly sweatshirt you had in the 80s had a forbidden romance love child.

A really ugly love child.

 For some reason, when I saw these $1K Stella McCartney boots, my first reaction was that they looked like a serial killer. A really mean one who like, pulls out people's fingernails.

Is that weird?

 Which may be better than these shoes, which look more like someone desperate for attention. Literally just any attention.

 This skirt is over $1K as well, which would be a good investment if you're in love with Crypt Keeper and want him with you ALWAYS.

 For when you want to look like you have an immaculately combed ladybeard.

 Like, I don't want to be mean or anything, but this dress kiiiiiind of looks like it was made of garbage and scraps from my mom's 1992 fabric bag.

She worked a lot with Christmas plaids.

 It's a sweater! It's a yeti!

It's a yetter! Or a sweati!

Also, it's like, $2K. It would probably be cheaper to just go hunt and skin your own yeti.

This dress was a Project Runway challenge, right? It's the only reason to make a dress out of what appears to be BamBam's loin cloth, a wooden dowel, some tin foil and a perfectly nice black halter top.


Feeling a little more relieved that you can't afford couture? I am. I'll gladly go back to shopping the sale rack if it means I don't have to pretend to like furry shoulders and beard shirts. You?