Our Regularly Scheduled Snark...

...is on hold while I play in Canada until Tuesday. Sorry, ladies, I just can't blog when there is CADBURY to be eaten. I did see some doozies on the plane up here though! Why do old people wear socks and sandals while flying? Is there some dress code I am not aware of?

Anyway, happy fashion to you all, I'll be back in five days. You won't even miss me! Well, actually, you might a little. But it's OK! It makes me feel loved.

Kisses,
Jae

Mama Fit Monday: 5 Ways Not To Exercise

That's right - there's a wrong way to exercise. But don't worry! Once you know how not to exercise, you'll be ready for some great tips that will help you maintain good form and make the most of your work out.

If you're like most people, you don't have a lot of time to exercise, so why do exercises that won't help you be healthier and happier? Read on to learn what exercises you might be doing wrong and how you can enhance your form and reap the intended benefits of exercise.

Exercise No-No #1

The lateral pull down behind the head is done by pulling a weighted bar down behind your head and neck. Unless you have very mobile shoulder joints, you could be damaging the alignment of your spine when you pull the bar down or you could be putting undue strain on your shoulders, which can easily lead to injury.

Safe Alternative: Instead of pulling the bar down behind your head, try leaning back a few degrees and pulling the bar down to your breastbone by pulling your shoulder blades down and together. Contract your abdominal muscles to control your movements.

Exercise No-No #2

Raising a weight to your chin with your arm can be dangerous, as this movement can quite easily compress the nerves in your shoulder.

Safe Alternative: Perform this same type of exercise, but lift the weights to the side or front of the body. Better yet, try this exercise while bending forward at the hips and holding the weight below your shoulder and then lifting it to the side of your body. This movement still targets all the muscles of your upper back, while getting the biceps involved as well.

Exercise No-No #3

When using a weighted machine to perform leg presses while lying down, it's easy to bend your knees too deeply as you move the weight. This exercise is designed to work your quadriceps, hamstrings, and glutes. But if you bend too much with your knees, your pelvis can tilt and force the lower back to bear some of the weight, which can lead to serious back troubles if the exercise is repeated regularly.

Safe Alternative: Instead of using a machine, try using the resistance of your own body. Squats and lunges can work the same muscle groups with far greater safety.

Exercise No-No #4

Even if you are doing everything else spot on, wearing the wrong shoes can counteract everything. Improper footwear can increase the pounding on your joints and lead to conditions like plantar fasciitis or tendinitis.

Safe Alternative: The key is to choose a shoe that fits the exercise you are doing. Shop at reputable athletic shoe stores so you can talk to knowledgeable salespeople who can help you find the right type of shoe for your sport and foot.

Exercise No-No #5

Too many people these days are using weight belts. Unless you have a medical reason to wear one, you can probably put the belt down. Using a weight belt reduces your core muscles' ability to work and become stronger.

Safe Alternative: Unless you are a bodybuilder, skip the weight belt and concentrate on utilizing your core muscles to build up your strength.

Hope these help you to exercise more effectively.
Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Couture

I loooove the various fashion weeks around the world. It's exciting to see what designers believe will be the next big thing. But then you get the crazies in like, Russian Fashion Week who just want to be revolutionary weirdos and sew up outfits that only Gaga would wear. Happily, there's lots to choose from, so up and at 'em!


Okay, this is NOT couture, but I found it and decided she'd make a good match for sexy unicorn man from a few weeks back. They could repopulate the unicorn race!!


I feel like this would be super great on the subway. You'd always get your own seat, and the man that smells like urine and touches himself would be a safe four feet away at all times. Plus, sometimes, when I'm walking down the street, I'm like, "Do you know what I wish I had? My own stage lighting."


I don't know much about cooking, but I think she's doing it wrong.


Daaaaaaang girl, you must be the best TGIFriday's waitress EVER. Look at all that flair.


What dainty little angel hooves! Honestly, I'm already thinking about getting high-centered on a sidewalk curb in these. Little help here?


Designed by the Dr. Suess "Solla Sollew" collection. Okay, that was kind of a nerdy book joke, but seriously. If you have kids, you should know what I'm talking about.


Is it weird that I think these are slightly awesome? Also, they look like they stink, which is generally a good look for feet.


What a masculine sweater! Something about the flowing purple tulle and unnecessary turtleneck says that he will protect me all night long.


Who you gonna call? This terrifying and emaciated PAINT CONTRACTOR. Wow. That is nowhere near as catchy as the original.

Oh, fashion designers... good job wasting money and talent on things that are irrelevant to society. Keep it up, so I have more Friday material!

Fast Hair Fix

So the other day there was a lively discussion in a forum that I frequent about what consisted as "mom hair." When I weighed in I said that it was any hair that wasn't "done," and I think I need to restate my opinion. As a mom, you don't have hours to spend on your hair. I get it. When I was in high school I would literally spend HOURS making twisties and tiny braids and ponytails every day. Now, I usually have 15 minutes flat to get from shower to door any time I leave the house. So I take it back. "Mom hair" isn't hair that hasn't been done, "mom hair" is when I can tell the poor woman has thrown in the towel and resigned herself to giving up and simply stopped trying altogether.

I see them alllll them times. Moms in scrunchies, or clearly air-dried but not styled hair. A daily uniform of ponytails or the messy bun. All can be construed as "mom hair" when it's clear that you've just given up and stopped trying at all. You look the same every day and that same doesn't make you feel good about yourself. It's just there and you don't care (YESS RHYMES... )

"Doing" (OMG I am using so many quotes in this post) your hair doesn't mean hours of work. It means making sure that your hair contributes to your look for the better. I cannot stand hair that just hangs there. Just DO something with it, for heaven's sake.

To prove it to you, I present to you three hairstyles that took me three minutes or less. Of course, these hairstyles will work best with medium to long hair, like I have. If you have short hair, you can adapt them. If you have really short hair, then you're lucky. Run some product through it like my girl Jenna, and call it day. But seriously. You HAVE three minutes to do your hair. I promise. Also, if I see your daughter with a complicated style and you're wearing a scrunchie, I will judge you. Your daughter does not need 50 ponytails. Stick a flower clip and call it good while you try and look presentable.

First up: The Side Braid



If you can do a basic french braid, this one will be easy for you. If you don't know how.... ummm definitely go ahead and Youtube that one. You should know. I do this when my hair has air dried and I haven't done a thing to style it. I grab the top half of my hair at the back of my head and start french braiding. Instead of braiding down, I braid on the diagonal so the braid flops over my shoulder.



See? Diagonal and downward. It's so cute and casual and literally takes me a second. I do it in the car all the time when my hubs is driving because I don't need a mirror and I'm perpetually running late. SO EASY. Then I pull a few strands out around my face and I am dunzo.

The Braid Band



Here's another ridiculously easy way to do braid. I use this when I haven't had time to style my bangs and they need to be puled back. I also do it when I don't have time to dry my hair because my hair is pretty wavy and I think it looks cute and beachy. I grab a small portion of hair in a deep side part, and then french braid across my forehead. When I get to the ear, I pin it back. I might comb some gel or mousse through the body of the hair to get it wavier... but in this pic I was on my way to the pool and I just wanted to keep my hair out of my face.

(PS I'd like to point out that I stopped using sulfate shampoo, and I am so happy with the results. The above pic was taken when I was using regular SLS stuff, and the first pic is today... such a difference, right!? My hair is so shiny. Okay,... tangent there... we'll talk shampoo another day.)

Fakey Curls



So curls are pretty universally hot, but I don't always have the time to curl all my hair. My hair is wavy but I usually add curls with the flat iron technique. If I'm short on time, I fake it by clipping the top portion of my hair up with two bobby pins, crossed for better leverage. Then I scrunch some product through the bottom layer and add a curl here or there to fake like I spent forever on my hair. Then I fake fullness by holding my hair up and dropping it slowly in sections while interspersing a blast of hairspray in between. Done!

BONUS! Accessory Time!



Quite frankly, if I'm really pressed for time, I use a low, messy bun and slip in a head band. I picked up this beaut from F21 and have been wearing it 24/7. It looks like I put all this effort into it when I really just threw it in there. When you get a new hair accessory (and your daughter isn't the only one who should have those, BTW) test drive a few different ways to wear it. I bought this thinking I would wear the flower more on the side of my head with my hair down, and it ended up looking WAY better lower and with my hair up. Remember that in case you purchase something you don't totally love; it could just be the way you're wearing it.

So aside from the skeezy Myspace-style self-photos I've had to use to demonstrate, I think this is all totally doable in the real world. I promise you I'm not some fem-bot who does a full on blow out every day. In my lack of time, I've learned to get creative and try more casual looks that help me stay put together without being a total time-suck. As much as I love neglecting my children, they can be pretty annoying when I'm trying to carve out a few moments of pretty-time for mommy.

You have three to five minutes. Use them wisely.

Freaky Friday: Reader Submissions!

Oh, how I love reader submissions. I love the idea that some of you are out there, looking at ugly clothes and thinking of me and how much I enjoy to make fun of them. I have the best readers everrrrrrrr.



K, so Melanie S. sent me this lovely picture of homegirl Foxy Brown. I *just* had a discussion with a friend about changing bodies and was like, "It took me a long time to realize that after carrying three babies, my body will never be the same as my 17 year old self." This is a very good example of what happens when you ignore your body changes. Not only is it about three sizes too small, I'm fairly sure I have a OB/GYN's view of her ladybits.


My Aunt Colleen sent me this Irish potato sack dress that makes me feel depressed and alone. Also, they wanted 50 dollars for it. Ummm OKAY.


This bag is called the "More to Love" and was sent in by Lisa. I decided to make a list of things that can be fit into that bag.
1) The Statue of Liberty
2) The combined egos of everyone on "Jersey Shore"
3) Food for the entire continent of Africa
4) The model's embarrassment
5) My shoe collection


I love it! Let's call it "Grandpa Chic" and walk around nursing homes for fun. (Thanks, Lisa!)


Amy sent me a veritable cornucopia of terrible Etsy fashion, my favorite being this swimsuit makde from Ikea packaging. First of all, it's terrifying. Second of all, how many kids are you going to flash when a stiff wind blows your plastic halter top up at the public pool?


Cammie sent this to me with a disclaimer in place that said she liked the dress. I did to. I was like oh, pretty! Scroll, scroll, scroll OMG WHAT GERIATRIC ATE HER FEET? I'm going to give this company the benefit of the doubt and say they were just too hurried to switch shoes after the school marm spread.


My brother had these saved on his computer under the name "Why do you exist?" So very fitting. You probably shouldn't wear these with an incontinence problem.


Lynsey sent me this beautiful gem. Couple of things, Katie Price.
1) The fact that you wrote and subsequently PUBLISHED a book is what is wrong with the world today.
2) The dress code for book signings is usually a little less casual. And by causal I mean you are wearing what is essentially a bad 80s aerobic leotard with the name of your book bedazzled on he front.
3) When you stand like that your muscular thighs make me nervous.

That's it for today! Thanks for sending me these ugly little snippets, they totally make my day! Keep your eyes peeled...

Flip Flop Alternatives

I don't know about you, but come August, I'm getting pretty sick of wearing foamy, rubber flip flops everywhere. I typically believe that flip flops are for the beach, running to the grocery store when you forgot the milk, and Saturdays. I don't believe they should be your daily footwear choice. Yes, I know they're comfortable, but they're also lazy. And they ruin a lot of would-be cute outfits because you look all hot up top and then it's like oh, hey... you wore your flip flops too.

So, I'm branching out of my flip flop safety net right now and looking for alternatives. Dresses, crops and shorts are all natural pairings for flip flops, but they all look better when worn with something else.

Forever21.com - Dresses - Casual - 2080471113, $28
dELiAs > Miss Me Finn Patent Sandal > shoes > sandals, $28
Seagrass Flip Flops, 8 GBP
Ecko Red - Handbags - Marc Ecko Enterprises, $20
Rhinestone and Turquoise Stackable Rings, $24
long coral necklace, $31
Juicy Couture - Coral Flower Wish Necklace (Gold) - Jewelry, $48

So here we go. A simple summer dress is totally fine with flip flops. Throw those on and go to a farmer's market or something. But when swapped out for some big-girl sandals, see how the vibe changes? It's less "I was too lazy to do up straps" and more an outfit. I especially love these as an alternative to gladiator sandals, which I still have a fairly precarious relationship with.

PPQ Pocket Cardigan, 26 GBP
Old Navy Womens Roll-Up Camp Shirts, $25
Women's Boy Fit Crop Jean - American Eagle Outfitters, $16
Women's Artist Crop Jean - American Eagle Outfitters, $40
Feelin' Corky Wedge, $35
Seagrass Flip Flops, 8 GBP
Buckled Tote, $25
Galleon Necklace, $18

How's about some CROPS? I know we beat this poor horse to death back during the capri debacle of 2010, but I am fine with crops. Remember that crops are typically longer than capris and stop over the thinnest part of your ankle, thus making you look cute and thin and not cankley. Anyhow, the problem with crops worn with flip flops is they can make your legs look suuuuper short. Swap them out for a comfy wedge and your pins look miles long. And you're not wearing the same shoes as your four year old, so there's a bonus right away.

Pointelle Back Knit Cardigan, $28
Layered Flower Tank - Teen Clothing by Wet Seal, $10
Cambridge Cuff Denim Bermuda Short - Women's Clothing and Apparel -..., $44
Women's AE Favorite Bermuda Shorts (Black), $35
Soda Carlet Flats, $13
Seagrass Flip Flops, 8 GBP
PUMA Dazzle Hobo, $45
Jewellery | Necklaces, bracelets, earrings | ASOS, 15 GBP

Lastly, the bermuda short. I know, right? Bermuda shorts and flip flops go together like pizza and Cherry Coke. (Sorry, that's what I'm having for dinner tonight and I get excited) BUT it isn't the most mod look. Also, if you're looking for ways to dress up your beloved Bermuda's, flip flops are not the way. For instance, let's say that you're hacking around in your shorts and flip flops and your hubby comes home in a romantical mood and wants to go out for dinner. It's not a fancy place, but you want to look nice. So swap out the flip flops for a pair of flats and change your shirt and DONE. It looks more polished and I love how vintage-y the flats are with the shorts.

You'll never hear me say "THROW OUT ALL FLIP FLOPS!!!" k? This is not a flip flop witch hunt. I have three pairs. I'm just saying there's no reason for flip flops to be your only choice during the summer when there is so much cuteness to be had. I KNOW Old Navy sells every color of clip flop under the sun, but that doesn't mean you should coordinate every outfit with matching flip flops. It's weird. Get a few pairs (I have black, navy and tan. That's it. They match everything I want to wear and it's not going overboard) and explore the wonderful world of non-foam footwear.

Mama Fit Monday: 3 Things to Guarantee Weight Loss

Losing weight can be a real struggle for some people. For many they've battled with it their whole life, others notice more of a challenge after they have had children and for some, they just need to get focused.

There are 3 things you can do that will ensure your success.

1. Change your Eating Habits

So many times I will see people work their butts off at boot camp 4 days a week, and wonder why they are not seeing any changes on the scale. I always ask for a report of what they have been eating and 9 times out of 10, they are completely sabotaging all their hard work with their food choices.

You cannot expect to see great changes by consuming burgers, fries, pizza and ice cream to name a few. Just because you are exercising regularly doesn't mean you can eat what you want.

2. Change your mind set.

If you think of yourself a certain way, you will be that. So stop thinking that you don't deserve to feel and look good--cuz you do. I'm not saying that you have to look like an underweight super model but if you know you will feel more confident 20 lbs lighter then know that you deserve it. Don't get comfortable with thinking things like "I've had 2 children, I won't look like I did before", cuz it simply isn't true.

3. Stop the Insanity of Excuses.

This one I think is the most important. After I taught Saturday's boot camp, I weighed in a bunch of people. They were not keen on it, but I insisted as it keeps peoples goals real and focused. As every single person stepped on the scale, this is what I heard:

"Oh this was not a good week, I was on vacation"
"This is not a good week, I am PMSing"
"Kelly, I was not good this week, I was really busy at work"
"I had people over for a BBQ a couple of times and there were lots of treats and wine"

and so on and so on. I actually stopped them right then and said I didn't want to hear anymore excuses, because that was what every single one was--an Excuse.

I told them that I know it's summer and we all go away, are busy, entertain and so on, but I also know that you will only see results if you take action. Take action to get you to your goals.

If that means cutting or eliminating alcohol consumption, just do it. What's more important to you. Feeling and looking good, or your glass of wine.

If it means skipping your favourite high fat ice cream, just do it. Have yogurt or sherbet instead.

If it means bringing a vegetable or fruit tray with you to a BBQ to ensure you have healthy choices, just do it. Your desire to reach your goal has to be stronger than your desire for your temptations.

Make a decision and do everything in your power to stick with it. These 3 things will help you guarantee the success of your health and fitness goals. I promise.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.FitMomMakeOver.net