Freaky Friday: Reader Submissions!

Oh, how I love reader submissions. I love the idea that some of you are out there, looking at ugly clothes and thinking of me and how much I enjoy to make fun of them. I have the best readers everrrrrrrr.



K, so Melanie S. sent me this lovely picture of homegirl Foxy Brown. I *just* had a discussion with a friend about changing bodies and was like, "It took me a long time to realize that after carrying three babies, my body will never be the same as my 17 year old self." This is a very good example of what happens when you ignore your body changes. Not only is it about three sizes too small, I'm fairly sure I have a OB/GYN's view of her ladybits.


My Aunt Colleen sent me this Irish potato sack dress that makes me feel depressed and alone. Also, they wanted 50 dollars for it. Ummm OKAY.


This bag is called the "More to Love" and was sent in by Lisa. I decided to make a list of things that can be fit into that bag.
1) The Statue of Liberty
2) The combined egos of everyone on "Jersey Shore"
3) Food for the entire continent of Africa
4) The model's embarrassment
5) My shoe collection


I love it! Let's call it "Grandpa Chic" and walk around nursing homes for fun. (Thanks, Lisa!)


Amy sent me a veritable cornucopia of terrible Etsy fashion, my favorite being this swimsuit makde from Ikea packaging. First of all, it's terrifying. Second of all, how many kids are you going to flash when a stiff wind blows your plastic halter top up at the public pool?


Cammie sent this to me with a disclaimer in place that said she liked the dress. I did to. I was like oh, pretty! Scroll, scroll, scroll OMG WHAT GERIATRIC ATE HER FEET? I'm going to give this company the benefit of the doubt and say they were just too hurried to switch shoes after the school marm spread.


My brother had these saved on his computer under the name "Why do you exist?" So very fitting. You probably shouldn't wear these with an incontinence problem.


Lynsey sent me this beautiful gem. Couple of things, Katie Price.
1) The fact that you wrote and subsequently PUBLISHED a book is what is wrong with the world today.
2) The dress code for book signings is usually a little less casual. And by causal I mean you are wearing what is essentially a bad 80s aerobic leotard with the name of your book bedazzled on he front.
3) When you stand like that your muscular thighs make me nervous.

That's it for today! Thanks for sending me these ugly little snippets, they totally make my day! Keep your eyes peeled...

Flip Flop Alternatives

I don't know about you, but come August, I'm getting pretty sick of wearing foamy, rubber flip flops everywhere. I typically believe that flip flops are for the beach, running to the grocery store when you forgot the milk, and Saturdays. I don't believe they should be your daily footwear choice. Yes, I know they're comfortable, but they're also lazy. And they ruin a lot of would-be cute outfits because you look all hot up top and then it's like oh, hey... you wore your flip flops too.

So, I'm branching out of my flip flop safety net right now and looking for alternatives. Dresses, crops and shorts are all natural pairings for flip flops, but they all look better when worn with something else.

Forever21.com - Dresses - Casual - 2080471113, $28
dELiAs > Miss Me Finn Patent Sandal > shoes > sandals, $28
Seagrass Flip Flops, 8 GBP
Ecko Red - Handbags - Marc Ecko Enterprises, $20
Rhinestone and Turquoise Stackable Rings, $24
long coral necklace, $31
Juicy Couture - Coral Flower Wish Necklace (Gold) - Jewelry, $48

So here we go. A simple summer dress is totally fine with flip flops. Throw those on and go to a farmer's market or something. But when swapped out for some big-girl sandals, see how the vibe changes? It's less "I was too lazy to do up straps" and more an outfit. I especially love these as an alternative to gladiator sandals, which I still have a fairly precarious relationship with.

PPQ Pocket Cardigan, 26 GBP
Old Navy Womens Roll-Up Camp Shirts, $25
Women's Boy Fit Crop Jean - American Eagle Outfitters, $16
Women's Artist Crop Jean - American Eagle Outfitters, $40
Feelin' Corky Wedge, $35
Seagrass Flip Flops, 8 GBP
Buckled Tote, $25
Galleon Necklace, $18

How's about some CROPS? I know we beat this poor horse to death back during the capri debacle of 2010, but I am fine with crops. Remember that crops are typically longer than capris and stop over the thinnest part of your ankle, thus making you look cute and thin and not cankley. Anyhow, the problem with crops worn with flip flops is they can make your legs look suuuuper short. Swap them out for a comfy wedge and your pins look miles long. And you're not wearing the same shoes as your four year old, so there's a bonus right away.

Pointelle Back Knit Cardigan, $28
Layered Flower Tank - Teen Clothing by Wet Seal, $10
Cambridge Cuff Denim Bermuda Short - Women's Clothing and Apparel -..., $44
Women's AE Favorite Bermuda Shorts (Black), $35
Soda Carlet Flats, $13
Seagrass Flip Flops, 8 GBP
PUMA Dazzle Hobo, $45
Jewellery | Necklaces, bracelets, earrings | ASOS, 15 GBP

Lastly, the bermuda short. I know, right? Bermuda shorts and flip flops go together like pizza and Cherry Coke. (Sorry, that's what I'm having for dinner tonight and I get excited) BUT it isn't the most mod look. Also, if you're looking for ways to dress up your beloved Bermuda's, flip flops are not the way. For instance, let's say that you're hacking around in your shorts and flip flops and your hubby comes home in a romantical mood and wants to go out for dinner. It's not a fancy place, but you want to look nice. So swap out the flip flops for a pair of flats and change your shirt and DONE. It looks more polished and I love how vintage-y the flats are with the shorts.

You'll never hear me say "THROW OUT ALL FLIP FLOPS!!!" k? This is not a flip flop witch hunt. I have three pairs. I'm just saying there's no reason for flip flops to be your only choice during the summer when there is so much cuteness to be had. I KNOW Old Navy sells every color of clip flop under the sun, but that doesn't mean you should coordinate every outfit with matching flip flops. It's weird. Get a few pairs (I have black, navy and tan. That's it. They match everything I want to wear and it's not going overboard) and explore the wonderful world of non-foam footwear.

Mama Fit Monday: 3 Things to Guarantee Weight Loss

Losing weight can be a real struggle for some people. For many they've battled with it their whole life, others notice more of a challenge after they have had children and for some, they just need to get focused.

There are 3 things you can do that will ensure your success.

1. Change your Eating Habits

So many times I will see people work their butts off at boot camp 4 days a week, and wonder why they are not seeing any changes on the scale. I always ask for a report of what they have been eating and 9 times out of 10, they are completely sabotaging all their hard work with their food choices.

You cannot expect to see great changes by consuming burgers, fries, pizza and ice cream to name a few. Just because you are exercising regularly doesn't mean you can eat what you want.

2. Change your mind set.

If you think of yourself a certain way, you will be that. So stop thinking that you don't deserve to feel and look good--cuz you do. I'm not saying that you have to look like an underweight super model but if you know you will feel more confident 20 lbs lighter then know that you deserve it. Don't get comfortable with thinking things like "I've had 2 children, I won't look like I did before", cuz it simply isn't true.

3. Stop the Insanity of Excuses.

This one I think is the most important. After I taught Saturday's boot camp, I weighed in a bunch of people. They were not keen on it, but I insisted as it keeps peoples goals real and focused. As every single person stepped on the scale, this is what I heard:

"Oh this was not a good week, I was on vacation"
"This is not a good week, I am PMSing"
"Kelly, I was not good this week, I was really busy at work"
"I had people over for a BBQ a couple of times and there were lots of treats and wine"

and so on and so on. I actually stopped them right then and said I didn't want to hear anymore excuses, because that was what every single one was--an Excuse.

I told them that I know it's summer and we all go away, are busy, entertain and so on, but I also know that you will only see results if you take action. Take action to get you to your goals.

If that means cutting or eliminating alcohol consumption, just do it. What's more important to you. Feeling and looking good, or your glass of wine.

If it means skipping your favourite high fat ice cream, just do it. Have yogurt or sherbet instead.

If it means bringing a vegetable or fruit tray with you to a BBQ to ensure you have healthy choices, just do it. Your desire to reach your goal has to be stronger than your desire for your temptations.

Make a decision and do everything in your power to stick with it. These 3 things will help you guarantee the success of your health and fitness goals. I promise.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.FitMomMakeOver.net

Freaky Friday

Friday! I have a gift card to spend today so off I go into the big world. I'm running low on my girlfriend, Bare Minerals, so I need to stock up. But first, to the uglies!!



I feel like if you don't already know what I'm going to say about these then a) this is the first time you've ever been to my blog or b) you're not too quick on the uptake. Three points to whoever can come up with the best insult for these cougar-legs in the comment section!


Oh, really? Some more leggings. PS I totally LIVED in stirrup pants when I was nine so these don't impress me. Also, writing on your crotch is never a good idea.


Oh, I'm sorry, did Uncle Jesse from Full House become a shoe designer all of a sudden?


Am I the only one who saw this shirt and yelled "MOOOOOORTAL KOMBAT!!!" in my head? PS Now that I just mentioned that, I think I shall be watching Mortal Kombat during the kids' naps today! FATALITY!


Sorry, this is the same model from above, I think. And while I don't totally hate the whole cut-off, baseball team thing, I do hate that this girl makes me hungry for a Big Mac. Someone pump some ice cream into this woman, she looks like Queen Imotep of the crypt.


Ooh, how edgy and cool! Oh, wait... did I say edgy and cool? I meant stupid. If you scroll down so just her legs are showing, homegirl looks like my husband when he cuts the grass.



Somewhere the Dynasty costume closet is missing a flowy colorful jumpsuit.


Pshh am I supposed to be impressed by this $100 paint splattered sneaker? Come to my house at 11 am on any given day and my kids will do it for free.


Keep an eye out for anything hideous as you're out and about this weekend, and email me anything you find. I shall do reader submissions next week, so send 'em over via email or Facebook.

From My Closet: I Heart Snakeskin

I first typed the title as "I heart Snackskin" and I feel like that would be a different post entirely. I am the queen of typos.

But yes, snakeskin (OMG I almost did it again.) I was cleaning out my closet the other day and realized that I go a little overboard with it. It's by far may favorite pattern because it's less ostentatious and boozy cougar than leopard print and less weird than zebra, but still wearable and little daring. I almost bought a snakeskin LBD the other day and talked myself out of it, but now I regret it. Sadness.

Anyway, if you want something to modernize your current wardrobe, snakeskin accessories are so easy peasy to wear. I carry a snakeskin bowler right now for my handbag, and it's awesome. Especially when I don't particularly feel like putting together an outfit. Jeans + black tee + snakeskin = instant outfit. It's like cheating.

The only thing that ask when you try snakeskin is to leave it alone. My biggest gripe about having a snakeskin handbag is that I always have to swap bags when wearing snakeskin shoes (Look, I KNOW there are bigger problems in the world, ok? But it's still annoying.) But I'll do it anyway so it doesn't get all jungle matchy matchy. Maaaaaaybe you could pair it with another SMALL animal-print accessory. I wouldn't be mad about a leopard belt or a zebra cuff. But no other snakeskin, and you are not Jack Hannah, so let's go easy on the jungle business, k?

It's also important to note that the colors in typical python print allow you to treat it like a neutral, so it's totally fine to pair it with color. I especially love snake with jewel tones like turquoise and plum.

Look how pretty it looks with my favorite red chair. Here are a few of my fave accessories.


I totally worship this pair of Chinese Laundry t-strap wedges. They are super girly but the print makes them less sweet. I got them at a screaming sale too, so extra awesome. I tend to wear them with a-line skirts and dresses.



These Isaac Mizrahi flats were another awesome purchase. My fave thing about them? They actually feel like snakeskin. A little soft with a little shine on the scales? Amazing detail. You can kind of see in the close up. Whenever I wear them I sit around stroking them like a pervert.


Ah! My dear Soda python wedges. They are the newest to the bunch, and I love to wear them with bermuda shorts so they look less boxy. Plus the wedges makes my ankles look positively tiny and my legs look 90 miles long. And they are so summery and make me happy.


Does this pile of texture make you just say "Squee?" Because I just did. OMG.


Yup, it's a good bunch. The bag is by Hurley, of all companies. I looked high and low for a python bag without any weird bells and whistles because the snake is PLENTY for interests sake. So apparently a skater company was the only on to understand my plight.

So, be my friend and try something in snake. I swear it will make you look more modern without making you look like you prey on young boys (Speaking of which, I saw Charlie St. Cloud on Monday and I prey on Zac Efron, so maybe I should be wearing more leopard.)

Mama Fit Monday: Upper Body Blast

Most women hate to work their upper body. I wouldn't say that I hate to work my upper body, but I definitely prefer to work my lower body. As women
we tend to be heavier in the hips and lower body so we want to target those areas, and we don't have the upper body strength that men do, making an upper body workout sometimes awkward.

That's why today we are going to blast our upper body. Nothing feels better than to feel the sore muscles of our chest, triceps, back, shoulders and biceps.

Let's get to it:

Start with doing 1 set of push ups on a curb or the ground. Try doing 10-15 reps.
Then go right into twists. I love this exercise. It is great for the abs and believe it or not your upper body will feel it, because you are supporting your body with your arms and shoulders. Do 12 on each side.






When twisting make sure you don't hold your breath. Keep rotating your arms, until you complete 12 on each side.






Go right into mountain climbers for 30 sec. If you need more cardio, do 1 min. When doing these, you are actually hopping from one foot to the other.



You are now going to repeat your push ups and twists and mountain climbers.

Next you are going to do 20 crunches on your back. Remember not to pull on your neck. Then you are going to do 12 tricep pushups.








Keep your butt down. This is generally a tough one. One important thing to remember is to keep your elbows tight to your body. Now go right into jumping jacks for 1 min.


Repeat that series from the crunches.

Do a high plank for - 30 sec - 1 min. It's important to keep your butt down on this and keep your hands underneath your shoulders. Don't forget to breathe.






Next go right into some shoulder presses. Always remember to keep your belly button pulled into your spine and exhale as you lift the weights above your head.





For your bicep curls, you are going to do 2 variations. The first is 15 reps of a regular curl. Arms come straight forward.
Next you are going to angle your hands out. Keep your elbows right close to your body. Do another 15 reps.






Repeat from high plank.

You are now going to finish with 1 min of mountain climbers, followed by 1 min. of jumping jacks.

A great way to get in an awesome upper body workout. One thing for sure is to make sure you use weights heavy enough. You definitely want to be pushing through the last couple of reps. If you are easily throwing your arms around, your weight is way too light!

To make it even harder, increase all the cardio parts by an extra minute.

Let me know how it feels.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.FitMomMakeover.net

Freaky Friday

Gooood Friday everyone! Considering my plans for the day consist of working on my tan, I need to get this done and play outside.



I'll take "Fastest Way to Make My Head Look Like a Tiny Peanut," Alex.


I can't fault the girl for trying. I mean, she was wearing what essentially was a Best Buy-esque uniform polo and cut off the arm. Then she gave a sassy look like it was on purpose. You go, weirdo.


OMG I have been looking everywhere for a blue suede lace up peeptoe wedge bootie!!


Just in case you were wondering: If you can see butt crack, your shorts are too low. If you can see butt crease, they're too high.


Ugh! Don't you just hate it when you're wearing your black sparkly bustier with your scary pleated mom jeans and someone else at the party is wearing THE EXACT SAME THING? Rude.


It's the attack of the scary and unflattering capri pants! AHHHH!


Please, think of the children!! (Clearly this lady has had like, four)


I can't look!!! The cankles! Oh, the CANKLES!


Luckily we can cleanse our palettes with this happy lady wearing what seems to be a football practice uniform.

Have a good weekend you lovely people. I damaged my account so much with the last couple weekends that I'm putting myself on *at least* a three-day shopping diet. It pains me. Expect to see me on Facebook for support.