Sometimes, being a fashion blogger can be a little grueling. For every awesome outfit I find, I've got to paw through 100 bad ones. Much like shopping in the mall, not everything I find is great, and all of a sudden, my back hurts, I'm wishing I wore more comfortable shoes, I'm tired and really want a pretzel.
But every so often I come across something SO AWESOME, SO AMAZING, that it makes all of the work worth it.
This time it was....
UNICORN MAN!
(He's angry!)
I found Unicorn Man on Friday night while I was researching some "Freaky Friday" links for the next post. I found this... laughed for about ten minutes.... and then sent it to my husband who was in the other room with the subject line, "A Sexy Little Picture for You."
As he eagerly opened it, I burst into laughter/tears when he gave me the WTH look. IT. WAS. AWESOME. Best prank of life.
The next day, while I was VOLUNTEERING WITH BABIES, he set it as my Facebook profile picture.
IT'S WAR.
Anyway, no fashion advice today. I just wanted you all to bask in the glory of butt-less chaps unicorn man here and reflect upon the coolness of doing something you love, whether it's fashion blogging or dressing up as a pink mythical creature.
Woo hoo Friday! I have work to do and then I'm off to gossip and eat food with friends while "scrapbooking". I never bring anything to scrapbook because I just sit there and run my mouth about Lady Gaga. Sounds good to me!!
This looks like it was once a wedge sandal, just hanging around and minding its own business and WHAM someone stuffed a leather sock into it. PS I am imagining how awesome that would be to put on your sweaty foot. SHUDDER.
Clearly from the 2010 Betty Rubble line. Who wears this? Why was in on sale 70 percent off?
This was listed as an Editor's Pick. Pick for what? Boxy weirdness? And the fringe, OH the fringe. Put some beads on it and you've got my entire wardrobe for the summer I was seven.
Also an Editor's Pick. No offense, Editor, but you are kind of one-note, wouldn't you say?
Yay! Awkward tin turtleneck dress! I totally understand why this model asked for the top half of her face to be cut off.
Silver straps AND a collar AND a weird face AND I want to punch it.
My sister in law sent me these. Is it weird that my first thought was about smuggling food into the movie theater?
I would while away the hours, conversin' with the flowers.... what? I can only assume this woman's pants are stuffed with straw.
I will be forever grateful for the crappiness of fashion. Now, go, have fun this weekend. I'm FOR SURE not shopping this weekend because I have hospital stuff. BUT! I'm starting the countdown for Memorial Day sales. Get ready to see some awesome Jae Tests the Trends coming up here soon!
So when my daughter was barely one year old and I was a new mom who did things like take my one year old on education field trips even though she was barely coherent most of the time, I took her to the zoo. Mostly she just sat in her stroller and gnawed on a chew toy, so my brother and I made our own fun by taking awful pictures the entire time.
This is my favorite. We went to go see the peacocks, and my brother questioned why it's feathers weren't showing. My mom replied that it was because he wasn't looking to mate.
I said, "Will this help?"
It didn't. I came to the OBVIOUS conclusion that the bird was gay or not into humans.
Either way, I couldn't be offended because I. LOVE. PEACOCK.
And I am so happy that it is in every store lately because I have my pick of clothing and accessories that are brightly colored and easy to wear. Peacock is especially sweet because it gives you a variety of colors to work with, meaning it's practically impossible to mess up.
Yesterday I was at the mall (I'm SO WEAK and broke my shopping diet. I promise it was mostly for kid's stuff, but the stores call to me!) and I bought the coolest pair of peacock earrings that I intend to wear daily. Peacock is made up of jewel tones, so it's easy to mix and match. The best part is that it's colorful enough that the rest of your outfit can be so-so and it still looks fashion forward.
I predict from my magical fashion ball that peacock will be around into the fall, so here's some ideas on how to wear it!
Items in this set: Showdown Metallic Dress, $22 dELiAs > Elsa Lace Shirt Dress > dresses > casual, $36 Mia Fifi, $70 Fame Gold Sandals, $37 Quilted Bowler Bag, $35 Alright, if you like the colors of the peacock without actually wanting wear feathers and such (I don't know why you wouldn't want to wear feathers though. Come ON. THEY'RE FEATHERS!) You can use the color palette of the peacock feather as your inspiration. The trick to making this look on-purpose and not clownishly colorful is to anchor each outfit with a neutral, like tan, brown, black, even navy would work. It makes the palette a little more serious instead of looking like your two year old put it together.
And! If you want to *try* wearing peacock feathers but want to start small, I totally recommend a hair clip, hair band or smaller earrings to test it out. Then you can move on from there. Other super cute peacock stuff:
I haven't done a "From My Closet" in a while, which is sad because I have bought some awesome stuff lately. I *might* have broken my shopping diet because the Gap was having a sale on kids jeans. But I swear, that and a teensy trip to Sephora were all that I did this weekend.
I have no will power.
Anyhow, I had my entire family come down for Christmas this year. It was crazy! And my house was very, very, full. But heading to the mall as one, big happy family two days before Christmas to buy EVERYTHING was epic and will be my new favorite Christmas tradition.
While at the mall, I got to introduce my mom to the wonders of Nordstrom. Obviously it's my favorite place to shop and I always find really awesome stuff there. And while there's a lot of pricey items, you can get really good sales too (Aaaaactually their semi-annual sale starts Wednesday HOW DO I KNOW THESE THINGS?) I guess my mom took the hint from my revered silence when we walked in the door, because she gave me a Nordy's gift card for Christmas.
That's why I love her.
I went like, three days later and found my favorite jacket EVER. I bought her immediately and took her home and have been wearing her obsessively since then. It's super soft, is very streamlined thanks to some awseome stitching and piping, and just generally looks non-mommy:
Steve Madden Scuba Jacket found here. I bought it in December for $68, but OF COURSE now it's on sale40 percent off because the fashion gods hate me. But I DID enjoy a whole winter of chicness.
It should be known that I am fairly obsessed with leather jackets, especially those that have biker inspired collars like this scuba one. I own four. Super unnecessary, but I have two black, one red, and then this bad boy. This one gets worn more than the rest combined because it looks good with my Fryyyyyyyes! And everything is measured against whether or not it matches my boots. Sadly, I'm not joking. I also feel like leather jackets can be done oh-so-badly. Like big, pointy collars, boxy shapes, etc. When I find a well-cut jacket, I MUST HAVE IT.
Oh haiii me, looking attractive in my jacket. PS is it me or does it totally look like I have a model-fan blowing on me in this picture. I promise I'm not, although I feel like it's a good idea for next time. This picture was taken so I could e-mail my mom to show her what I'd spent her hard-earned money on.
Anyway, I am cleaning out my closet for reals today because I promised my husband I would do something about the basket of clothes that seems to be barfing into my room on a regular basis, so depending what I find, you might get a few more episodes of "From My Closet." I can feel your excitement.
Wasn't it *just* Friday? This week went really fast, but I'm not complaining. Two more weeks on my shopping diet, which if you were a FAN you'd know about. Otherwise you're going to be in the dark about my reasons for a shopping diet.
Just kidding, it's because there's a big sale coming up. Think of it as training for a marathon.
Anyway, before we kick off today's fashion mishaps, a big shout out to my sister in law, who just found out she's pregnant with twins. Here's what you have to look forward to!! I hope it's boys because these guys are SNAZZY. I think the neck chokers and chaps are *especially* masculine.
Alright, how many times have I posted jumpsuits now? THEY DON'T WORK. Especially when they are too short and worn with small boots. Is the one inch of shin really necessary?
OMG! I used to totally have shorts like this. Except that mine had fluorescent pink stripes and sculls down the side and I WAS SIX. This person is clearly a grown woman. This upsets me.
For pregnant women! Now you can let everyone know you have a little wolf on the way.
My friend Kristen sent me a website that was abundant in ugly shoes. This one takes the cake. Um, Sally, why are you dressed like you're an 80s Rocky lookalike?
Plus sized girls. Gold lame leggings are bad. Very, very bad. Shiny, yes. Attractive, no. Also, I DID in fact find that on BigGirlsLingerie.com as I learned that sex Halloween costumes that don't have anything to do with anything can be found in sizes 12-22!
No, no. Go ahead and rub your eyes. Look again. There are rodents in that show. Thankfully, they aren't real. I don't think. Otherwise what would you feed them? And how awkward would it be if they died in your shoes while you were on the stripper pole? EMBARRASSING.
It's okay, model. After having a baby my bajingo has a frowny face too.
We discussed this over on Facebook already, but I had to post it here. My favorite Lady, doing what she does best. Looking like a Jedi knight priest in mourning. I don't even know where she was going with this, and how much do I hate "Alejandro" as a song? It sounds just like Ace of Base and brings me back to the 90s. The only people I want to hear sounding like Ace of Base is ACE OF BASE singing "Don't Turn Around" BUT THANKS GAGA.
Well, I have an exciting weekend of laying sod ahead of me. Anything to keep me away from the mall. I WILL BE STRONG.
So we're all in agreement that it's annoying when someone thinks that because you look put together, you're neglecting your kids, right? Especially when there are so many shortcuts to getting ready that there's no excuse for looking like you walked out of a bad mom commercial.
I was just thinking about how me and my two best friends as a teenager, Vanessa and Erin, would get together for the sole purpose of "getting ready". We would drag all of our hair and makeup stuff to Vanessa's house, because she had the biggest mirror, and take HOURS to get ready for a Friday night. One day, while getting ready, Vanessa discovered :ironing" her hair. Like, actually ironing it. With a clothes iron. Thus commenced a year of ironed hair for all of us.
It really did make it straight!
But ironing your hair is very, very bad for it. Can we say damage? Just think of all the crap you subjected your hair to as a teenager in the name of beauty. Then you have a couple of kids and up into the ponytail it goes! It gets to the point that if you DO style your hair, your husband is all "Hey, did you lose weight? Let's head upstairs!"
My hair is a frustrating cross between wavy and straight, so for me to tame it into submission, it must be styled. And ever since I found this neato little trick, it takes me two seconds to look put together and polished. And now I will dispense this wisdom for you.
CURL WITH A FLAT IRON!
I know that this doesn't make sense. I've been doing it for like, six months and I still don't know really how it works, it just does. And it's so easy and fast.
So you have a flat iron right? A skinny, inch-wide one is best. I usually do this when I've gotten out of the shower and didn't take the time to blow dry my hair, so it's all wild and wavy in weird places. Here's the steps that I take.
1) Brush a mousse or hairspray through your hair to give it a little staying power.
2) Take a small section of one to two inches, and clamp the flat iron in, as per usual, like you're going to straighten it.
3) Then, twist the flat iron upward, so that the top of the flat iron is flat against your head.
4) Slowly drag the flat iron downward, holding the twisted position all the way down.
5) Voila! You should get a) a perfect curl and b) a tangled cord. But we don't care about the tangled cord so much when pretty curls are to be had!
6) Repeat all over your head.
The benefit is that it takes no longer to curl your hair than it takes to straighten it. AND! The curls are loose and natural, not Shirley Temple and girly. Here's a pic of me with flat iron curls (they are also pinned back.) Also, my daughter has them too. VERSATILE!
So honestly, if you have five minutes to spare today, try the flat iron curl and see that it takes two seconds to look out of the ordinary. Then give your flat iron a little kiss NOT WHILE IT'S HOT and thank it for saving you from a lifetime of curling irons. Seriously. I haven't touched mine for like, a year.
ETA: I found a really good tutorial online for those who want to see how it's done. This girl curls in the opposite way than I do, but I think going both ways, turning some out AND turning some in, give a more natural curl over all.
So, PSW was a lot of fun, right? We'll have to do one again in the future. It was very eye-opening for me. Finding plus size clothes and stores for posts was a pain, so I kind of get why PS girls can get so frustrated. But luckily, more and more retailers are seeing the market for it and it's getting better every day.
But that doesn't mean there aren't still hideous things laying around. And boy, did I find 'em!
Okay so these aren't plus size as much as they are AWFUL, but they are officially the worst gladiator shoes I have ever seen, bar none. Achilles? Is that you? (Achilles, wasn't a gladiator, was he? I'M NOT A HISTORIAN, OKAY?)
Hey, PS girls. Jumpsuits aren't for you. Come to think about it, jumpsuits are for NO ONE. We remember the maxi pantsuit incident, yes?
Frills plus buttons plus leopard? Can we say less is more? This shirt is SO BAD. I frill that high will probably make you look like a lion. That conflicts me, what with the leopard print and all...
Here we have examples of different lengths of shorts/capris gone wrong. Sweet mother, would it have killed her to go up a size. This makes me hold my breath.
And this makes me barf! Remember the kiss-of-death capris I was talking about? Here she is in full force. Look at that awesome long zipper. Does it take her like 45 mins just to get ti to the top? "Hang on honey, I'm just zipping up my nine inch rise and I'll be right out!"
Oh honey no. This shirt was listed as a "conversation starter". Yes, if the conversation goes something like this. Me: Wow. That's a stupid shirt. END SCENE
Also not strictly plus size, just awful. Angela S. sent these to me, and I couldn't help but wonder when my next trip to Narnia would be.
Well, I am headed down south for a little Mother's Day mini-vaycay and I intend to get some shopping in (OBVIOUSLY) Hopefully you PS girls will hit the malls too. It would just make me so happy.
