Cute Alternatives to UGLY Shoes

Sometimes I hear this statement.

"I only have two pairs of shoes."

This. Is. Appalling.

At last count I was at 64 pairs of shoes. You don't need to have that many, but for heaven's sakes, can there be a happy medium?

I have all those shoes because I am nearly OCD about making sure I have the perfect shoes for every outfit. And I really do. Not to mention anyone else's outfit for that matter. And I totally check out other people's shoes. And judge them. SO SUE ME.

And I am totally going to take down the three worst mom shoe offenders. I see them all the time and literally wince. IN PAIN. Why have ugly shoes when there are SO MANY CUTE ONES? For not a lot of cash too?

Here's my Public Enemies #1

The Loafer

Words cannot express my extreme hatred for the loafer. It is ugly. And people who wear mom jeans pair the loafer up with it just to annoy me, I'm sure. I understand why someone would wear. No, wait, scratch that. I understand why someone might possibly in some weird alternate universe wear this. It's comfy. Good for running errands. You can just slip it on. May I introduce the flat??

Also comfy! Also good for running errands! Also slip ons! Just much, much cuter. Pair them with your jeans that have a wider leg, or if you've taken my skinny jean advice, those two. I absolutely LIVE in my flats, even in the winter, when I am constantly stepping in snow pockets and cursing the world. But that's how much I love them.

Public Enemy #2

The White Ked.

I see these and immediately think FlyLady. Anyone who knows the FlyLady concept knows that it all revolves around white keds and it makes me shudder with disgust. ARE YOU A NURSE? If you answered no to that question, you should not own these. If you answered yes, Ked away, you wonderful lifesaver!

Here are my alternatives.

I am pretty biased because I own both of these and I love both. THe pink cortez is a classic in the sneaker world, and far cuter than the plain white Keds. Guaranteed it's more comfortable as well, and they look adorable with jeans. The Nike Clog is my most comfortable shoe I own. I wear it anytime I know I am going to be shopping for a very long time beacuse they never ever ever make my feet hurt. I also keep them close to the door to slip on and get the mail and the neighbours thing "OH! Look at those stylish non-Keds!"

Public Enemy #3: The Weird Mom Ankle Boot

EVERY MOM is guilty of this one. This is because in our moments of low self esteem and weakness we think "I need some of those fashionable boots the kids are wearing these days!" But we still want comfort, so we turn up these weird hybrids. I will totally admit, I have a pair from when I was like. 17 and trying to be grown up. They are still in my closet for reminder purposes. I hate them. I see women wearing them all the time. Boots should never ever be chunky. Ever.

My alternative. Replace the heel with something sleeker. You can do it! The toe should be pointy. I know pointy is scary, but I will tell you now, they are a heck of alot more comfortable than the round toe stoff we jam our feet into. Look at your toes. Go ahead! See how they more or less coome to a point at your big toe? Pointy toe -d shoes foster it and make it comfy. And for the love of pete, go knee high. They are 100x more versatile because you can wear them under jeans, over skinny jeans, with skirts. No more ankle boots for you!

Hopefully I have offended someone enough that they will retire their mom shoes and go shopping. Because if anything, my mission is to cause you to go into debt with extreme shopaholic sydrome.

Freaky Friday Don'ts

I swear, if I see any of you wearing any of these, I will slip on my sunglasses and commence not knowing you.



K, if the pants give the MANNEQUIN a weird front bum (Front bum being the unattractive ting that happens when your pants make you look like you have a bum on your front) then they are probably not a good idea.


The equivalent of a Christmas sweater in the fall. My friend went to an awesome Ugly Sweater Part last Christmas. I'm pretty sure this won.




K, I hate denim shorts in the first place, but thes are a whole new category of fug. High waisted, relaxed fit, ew.


What the DEUCE is up with this shirt? WHY would you want to wear a boat on your shirt? A sailboat??? WHY??


Repeat after me: I am too old to wear trendy colored denim and too young to wear scary geriatric colored denim. (Although it does kind of match the sailboat shirt)




This shirt annoys me more than the person wearing it is even capable of being annoyed. LAME. DO NOT WEAR YOUR PMS ON YOUR SHIRT. Ever.

I swear I will slap these off of your feet. I understand that they are comfortable. I also understand they say "I give up!" If you're going to go this far, the next step is pristine white Keds. It's a slippery slop my friend.


Check back next Friday for more ugly clothes that I better not catch you wearing.

Eye Spy...

I am pretty sure there is no creature on this world more tired than a mom. Between getting up in the night and tossing and turning and feeling GUILTY when you take a nap (because your two year old may or may not be coloring on herself with permanent marker while you do so), mom's get literally no sleep. Maybe the only people who get less sleep are people who are on early morning TV shows. And that's their own fault.

Lately I've noticed that I've had tons of dark circles under my eyes, no doubt due tot he fact that my husband wakes up at 5:30 to get to class, and I CAN NEVER GET BACK TO SLEEP. It's horrible. So, I've added a few tips and tricks in my arsenal to make my eyes look wide awake and at least maintain some semblance of rest.

1) Dark circles: Cover circles with a yellow toned face pencil or cream. Even if you aren't a regular foundation user, you can just do the circles. Blend it well.

2) We all know the age-old secret of highlighter. White pencil is fine. Use it to dab in the innermost corners of your eyes to lighten them. You can smudge a little up right under your eyebrows too. Not too much, you'll look like a prostitute. Just enough to lift them up a little.

3) Mascara. I LOVE mascara. It is so easy to just throw some on, slick on the lipgloss and call it good. I don't have tons of time to fiddle with make up, but I always have time for mascara. It's literally two seconds. Make sure you curl your lashes first. My fool proof way to curl is this: Take the curler and curl your lashes three times each. Once at the very base of your lashes, once in the middle, and once at the tips. This way you get nice curvy lashes, and not the kind that stick straight up in the air. When they are curled, take your mascara wand, and do as I say! Put the wand super duper close to the lash line and wiggle back and forth a little. That's going to deposit some of the mascara at the line, and make your eyes more defined, much like eyeliner, but faster. Then sweep up. Repeat on both sides. I like a comb through afterwards, but it depends on the mascara you choose. Honestly, my favourite is my crappy Wet N Wild mascara I bought for like, $1.99

4) Now, you can totally be done at this point, but if you want eyeshadow too, here's my guide for eyeshadow for your eye color.
Brown: I would go with a navy color. I know blue eyeshadow conjures up images of bad '80's hair, but if you go with a very dark navy, you can pull off a smoky eye and make your brown eyes pop righto outta your head.
Green/Hazel: Choose a plummy purple. Again, I know we're all very happy and safe with our browns and greys, but try this and I promise you, it'll make your eyes look even more green.
Blue: This is me, so I am always messing around with colors. For blue, I like brown, but it needs to have a purple-y undertone to really contrast with your eyes. I even use a cranberry color I love because it cools down the blue in the eyes to make them stand out on the skin.
Moral of the story, CONTRAST yours eye color with your eyeshadow. Your eye color will pop, looking crisper and cleaner, and ultimately more awake.

And if you get a chance, will you take a nap for me today? Or let me know how to get permanent marker out of a couch?

Sweet Deals on Stuff You Should Buy

This is horrible. I set out looking for good deals, and I ended up buying a lot of stuff. Don't tell my husband.

I'm sticking with tops and dresses today because I don't recommend you buy pants or short over the internet. They really need to be tried on before buying.

Changing up your wardrobe shouldn't have to be expensive. There are pieces all over the place that aren't going to break your budget. All of this stuff can be found at the clothing company's corresponding websites. Happy shopping. Direct your husband's hate mail to me.

Nordstrom - $14

Venus - $10

Venus - $10

15DollarStore.com -$15 (Obviously)

Body Central - $15 (love this one an obsessive amount)

Body Central - $15

Macy's - $18

Venus - $24

Nordstrom - $12 (Oh my gosh, this with a little brown cardigan? Adorable.)

A Skirt Story.

Okay.

Now, remember that we are talking about shedding the mom image, and try not to stone me to death when I confess the following.

I don't like floral skirts.

Ahh! But they are so flouncy and spring like and pretty! I will concede these facts. But I also feel like there are really BAD skirts when it comes to floral. And I also feel like they can either make you look little girlish, or even worse, look like you're trying to look little girlish. I don't own a floral skirt. I am totally okay if you do. I just think we can do better. Especially with the new shape skirts out right now.

K, when I hear "floral skirt", this is what I think of:




(Dillards)



It's oooookay I guess. It has a good shape, I'll give it that. But again, it's a little ho-hum. I only ask that if you do floral, that you do a larger, more graphic pattern in a bolder color. We are not ten years old and getting a new Easter outfit here. I actually enjoy these:



(Nordstrom)


(Overstock)

See the difference between precious and graphic? Yeah.

Now, if you want to take my advice and move away from the floral, flowy skirt altogether, may I introduce to my holy grail of skirts, the pencil. I LOVE PENCIL SKIRTS. I'll tell you why. First, they are structured, and grown up. You are not going to wander off looking like you raided your daughter's closet. You're a woman, dress like one. Second, they flatter EVERYONE. I know it's kind of counter-intuitive, we're taught that things that are tight on the hips bring attention to them. In this case, the pencil skirt is an uber-feminine silhouette, and it's meant to bring attention to your hips and your legs, and subsequently makes you look like Jessica Rabbit. Here are some that I love. If you're feeling a bit exposed, try pairing it with a looser-fit, silky top. Otherwise, pop on a structured, white button up and TUCK IT IN. Finish with a belt if you want and voila, instant sexy.



(Victoria's Secret)




(Banana Republic)




(Wet Seal)






(Torrid)


I am not even lying about everyone looking good in them, I found this plus sized one. How gorgeous is that? Not to mention the shoes that you can wear with these! Because you're in more subdued colors, you can totally bring the focus onto the shoes. I love '40's inspired pumps the best.



If I still haven't persuaded you, heaven knows why, but still want to try something new, you can totally get the best of both worlds with a tulip skirt. One that fits close to the hips, but flares out around the hem in order to give you some proportion.


(Macy's)

Either way, remember to choose more structured skirts that are cut to fit more than a girls body. And remember to TRY NEW THINGS, even if they are scary. We all get into a style rut, and the only thing to get you out, is to step out of your comfort zone. Foxy!

Maternity Monday - Fat, or Pregnant?

Now, because I am pregnant, everyone gets to join me as I search for maternity clothes I don't hate. With my first pregnancy, I wore maternity clothes in my last month and that was it. I have a tiny maternity clothes collection at the moment. But, because I am only 6 weeks and yet my belly is already freakishly large, I have been forced to be a reluctant player in my favorite prenatal game, Fat? Or Pregnant?

Yes, the awkward time in pregnancy where you aren't round enough to look pregnant, yet still have packed on enough pounds to look different. As such, you probably don't want to pull on your tightest shirt, yet still aren't ready to dust off the box of maternity clothes. I feel that I look ridiculous in maternity clothes when I don't have a full on belly. They droop awkwardly and make me look bigger than I am, heaven forbid. Not a fan.

So this time around, I have built a small wardrobe of non-maternity clothes that work with my little belly, as well as will be handy in the postnatal months, when I am not 100% ready to plunge back into to normal-people clothing.

Let's start off by saying, anything with an empire waist is going to work to your advantage here. It'll puff out enough to give your belly some breathing room, without looking like a tent.

(less4style.com)

(Neiman Marcus)

(Target - love this one!)

As for bottoms, Old Navy has an awesome Maternity department that I love because it caters to all phases of pregnancy, not just the last few months. I just picked up these shorts.

Totally cute and not scary, right? Just a little breathing room around the waist band. We are not in full-panel territory yet, folks. You put shirt #2 with these shorts and you've got an outfit.

The fact of the matter is, maternity clothes have come a long way. CLOTHES have come a long way. If you're not ready to slip on the maternity jeans yet, get a little creative and find out what works for you. Bellies are not a one size fits all deal.

Although it's totally fun to play with the prosthetic belly in the maternity stores, isn't it?

Dresses: Stepping Out of the Wrap Zone

K, so everyone knows wrap dresses are awesome and fantastic and figure flattering. But they aren't for everyone, no matter what your issue of Glamour says. Here are my major problems with wrap dresses. They definitely have their time and place, and I love a good DVF wrap dress. But people snap them up thinking that they can throw them on and look like a model, and it might not be for you. If you are long waisted, a wrap dress is going to look weird. Because it can't adjust where it wraps around, you're stuck with it like that. You want the wrap to come around where your waist is the smallest. In a perfect world, that would be your waist. In real life, its usually a tad higher. If you can find a wrap dress that perfectly accentuates you, BUY IT. But if you can't, I promise you aren't a freak of nature. You can do better.

Here is a pretty traditional wrap dress. Pretty! But see where it ties right at the waist? Great for models! Not so great for people who have had babies or people who have long torsos. Honestly, I usually like my body but this would bother me, because it would sit right above my hips, which we already know are not model proportions. I am underwhelmed.

Now, I also don't love that everyone and their mother owns these. When they first came out, they were chic and different, and now they are pretty commonplace. We can do better than that! Here are some alternative dresses I found that are going to be just as flattering, if not MORE.


Check out this one from MikaRose (and under $50!) Not sure if you can see, but the bodice ends right under the bustline, and then falls into pleats. Forgiving pleats. Not to mention, you could totally use this as a Little Black Dress, but it's just a little more interesting.



I love this fancy Shmancy one from Nordstrom. It has that nice thick band that is going to fall to the tiniest part on your body, then heads south away from the body. I would really recommend this to someone who doesn't love their hips. Plus, the color!!!


Another one from MikaRose that I loved. I actually have one like this in navy, that's a little shorter. I would actually recommend you hem this up to the knee. You CAN tailor this stuff. Why do I love it? It is kind of wrap dress-esque with that tie, but YOU have the control over where that tie goes. Cinch it right around your favourite spot (read: littlest) on your waist. Mine usually goes just a tad higher than this. I know it has belt loops on it. Cut them off and put them where you want them.


This is a gorgeous alternative from the regular Little Black Dress, and I love this because not only will it camouflage anything you don't love, look how it shows off the neck? I've never met anyone who didn't love a little cleavage action, and the rest of the dress just serves as a big arrow that says "Look up here!!" (Neiman Marcus)


And if you still want to be the tried and true wrap dress lover, at least try one like this, also from Nordstrom. It wraps across the bodice rather than your waist, then has the empire seam which makes you look little. The pattern does the rest of the work for you. See how its just a medium size? That's good, that's very good. Look at that model smiling! She is thinking wow, now no one can tell I have saddlebags! I would be smiling too.

(By the way, please notice that they are all knee-length or higher. Stick with that.)

K, so hopefully you can see that wrap dresses, although having their place in the fashion world, are not the be all end all. You can step outside of the box! Now go, go my lovelies, and buy a dress. They are pretty and feminine and unexpected and forgiving. Okay, you know what? I just talked myself into buying a new dress.