Jae-gging

OMG I am hilarious with the titles.

So, I made a mental note to tell you guys about my experience with jeggings. I should have brought along a camera, but 1) That would be really, super dooper embarrassing, and 2) it wasn't a planned shopping trip. I somehow "ended up" at the mall and apparently was DRUNK because I thought it would be a good idea to try on mass amounts of jeggings.

You know what jeggings are, right? They're leggings that are printed and dyed to look like jeans. Like SO:



Oh, the more I look at them the more I realize what a bad idea it was.

So, I met up with my husband the other day for lunch. He CONVENIENTLY works a block away from the mall so we met at the food court for some Chick-Fil-A goodness. When it was time to go, I wondered if I should just wander the mall for a few hours. The kids had just gotten up from a nap, and my daughter got me to promise that I would take her to the indoor play area, so I thought that I could squeeze some good behavior out of the kids.

While I was perusing the windows, I caught sight of some jeggings. As usual, I mentally scoffed because THEY ARE SILLY. But as I looked at them, I begin to wonder how they would look under boots. I have plenty of pairs of boots, and one pair in particular are too tight to wear over regular jeans. I wondered if jeggings were the right choice. Especially because you can get tightness without muffin top. WIN WIN right?

So I began the great jegging try-on of 2010. You guys, I must have stuffed my kids into the fitting rooms of eight different stores trying to find jeggings that I liked. I tried: Wet Seal, Macy's, Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, American Eagle and Buckle.

Let's point out what type of body I have. I am an hourglass that teeters precariously over the edge of pear-dom. In other words, BABY GOT BACK. I don't mind my trunk. In fact, most of the time I enjoy it quite a bit. I like having shape.

But oh sweet mother of mercy, my body has never looked so mangled as it did in jeggings. Each pair I tried on was worse than the last, and ALL made me look like a severely unbalanced, albeit trendy, Humpty Dumpty. And one pair even had stirrups.

STIRRUPS!

So after pair after pair of jeggings and my exhausting the kids' supply of patience and pretzel bites, I resigned myself to the fact that I cannot pull off jeggings. While I still like the idea of jeggings for bootwear, I just can't get past what they do to my body. They transport me directly back to 1985. I envision my large purple plastic bifocals (YES I HAD THEM) side-ponies and Christmas sweaters all year round. I just. Can't. Do it.

Instead of buying jeggings, I ended up leaving the mall with a very large cocktail ring, a fur bolero (WTH? I was feeling festive, I think) and my own weight in chicken nuggets. I proceeded to drown my jegging-related sorrow in ranch dressing and waffle fries, as I made a solemn vow to never do that to myself again.

Look, I'm not trying to singlehandedly take down the entire jegging empire. I still think they look totally cute with skinny boots. But you know what else works with them? Skinny butts. Child bearing hips like mine have no place in stretch jeans-dyed leggings. Especially ones with stirrups. I'M SO ASHAMED!

Consider yourself warned.