Freaky Friday: Fun With Keywords

I obviously have a Statcounter installed on this site so I can see who is floating around. Mostly I use it to see how many hits a day I'm getting, and where they are coming from, but every so often I peek in the keyword analysis to see what people are searching in order to happen upon my site.

They. Are. Hilarious.

My fave fashion blog, Daddy Likey does "Inadvertently Ask Daddy Likey" , where she answers questions asked solely to the search engine when someone is searching and finds her site. I thought it would be fun to do some keyword analysis of my own using the awesome inquiries that people type into Google before landing over here. These are ACTUAL searches... I'm serious.

1) Eyeliner Memories?

Um, okay... I have an eyeliner memory. Once, when I was in the hospital, I was feeling vain and brought along all my makeup. I was going to be there for six weeks for goodness sakes. The only shelf in the hospital bathroom was directly above the jet-engine toilet, so I stuck all of my makeup there. After doing my makeup one day ( I was only allowed out of bed to shower, so I made the most of it) I put my eyeliner back and it rolled immediately into the toilet. When I made a desperate grab for it (not in the water) I triggered the motion sensor and it was flushed down the toilet. Heartbreaking. I don't know why you wanted to rehash such a sad memory.

Also, when I was 14, I wore white eyeliner until I found out that only easy girls did that. So I switched to brown. Enough memories for you?

2) I don't own any capris.

That's probably because you've read my blog. I give you a hearty cyber pat on the back.

3) Miley Cyrus bad outfits.

Wrong website, bub. I cover an extensive array of bad fashion, but not THAT bad. You're looking for "How Not to Dress Like a Normal and Respectable Teenager".

4) My mom dresses badly.

First of all, bless your little heart for being caring enough about your mom to run a Google search on her. Really, bravo. Secondly, give her the website to this blog, and tell her I'm here for her. Also, let her know that every time she wears tapered jeans, God kills a blind puppy.

5) What to wear to the OB/GYN.

Well, first, we need to have a frank discussion of what goes on at the OB/GYN. He checks out your lady parts in a non-threatening way. I say skip the wait and go pantless. Will it make the other people in the waiting room uncomfortable? Yes. But it'll get rid of that awkward moment when you're asked to derobe and given a paper sheet to be modest with. Your OB will soon know you as the fastest appointment of the day, and he might give you a discount. You heard it right here, folks.

6) I hate gladiator sandals.

Hey, me too! Can we be best friends and braid eachother's hair and I'll tell you my secrets?

7) Attracting a mom.

Really? Wait, are you wanting to attract a mom because you want to date her, or wanting to attract a mom because you want a mom? Either way, you're weird.

8) How would I look in capris.

Probably stumpy. Unless.... wait, is this Heidi Klum? In that case, you'll look leggy and adorable.

9) What to wear at a wedding for ladies.

K, I know this person probably meant "What should a lady wear to a wedding" but I read it as "What to wear to a wedding for LADIES only," and in that case, the answer is plaid. Lots and lots of plaid. Especially if you're the butch one.

10) Capris and gladiator sandals?

My world just exploded. Thanks.


That was fun, wasn't it. Aren't you glad that if you search something odd, I'll post it here for everyone to see? I SURE AM!

And just so you know, this post was in fact Gaga-approved.




See her gesture of approval? She loves my turtleshell smock.

Well, I am kicking off a Memorial Day shopping excursion and the end to my terrible shopping diet. My shopping diet went as well as a regular diet would for me, meaning I made sneaky trips to McDonald's for a Big Mac when no one was looking.

Happy long weekend! Empty those wallets!

Jae's Guide to Necklines

I bet you haven't thought a lot about necklines, have you? Unless it's like, your wedding, you probably go to the store, find a shirt you like, and buy it regardless. But the neckline ultimately determines the type of accessories and body part you're featuring, so it's worth a quick look. Know what looks good on your body, and your shopping stress decreases exponentially. Instead of wandering through a giant store (*cough*F21*cough*) you can quickly pinpoint what you want and THEN eat your emotions in pretzels.

Here's a BASIC listing of neckline styles and a few cute shirts I like too.

Br-break it down... (Okay, I might have been watching Yo Gabba Gabba today. One day I'm going to take a Percocet and watch it. I bet it's HILARIOUS.)


Welp... that was a weird and honest admission on my part. TO THE CLOTHES!

V-NECKS





Graphic V- Victoria Secret (MUST BUY IMMEDIATELY), relaxed V - American Eagle

I tend to gravitate towards v-necks because I think they are a universally flattering neckline. They open up the face by showing more skin around the chest and neck. V's are especially great if you carry a little extra weight; they create distance between your chin and chest for a thinner appearance. A word of warning though; a lot of v's are so deep you need to wear a cami under. This is fine, but wearing a cami that is too high necked can ruin the proportion of the shirt. Let's keep it low, ladies!

ROUND

Raglan tee- Charlotte Russe

YAWWWWN. Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I had fallen asleep from boredom of this shirt. Hey, don't get me wrong. I own like three raglan tees and wear them when I feel tomboyish and generally adorable, but round neck shirts as a whole aren't looking to party. I understand wearing a casual round neck, but look for something to spice it up a little. Wear your round neck graphic tee with a worn blazer, or pile on a few huge necklaces. Much better. Or be like me and walk around looking like a little leaguer.


SWEETHEART



Sweetheart Tank - Tilly's

By far my favorite of the bunch, a sweetheart constitutes straight straps or shoulders and a sculpted neckline. It looks good on EVERYONE. Like, no joke. Instant pretty. Imagine this with a little navy cardigan? I die. I've also been watching too much Rachel Zoe. THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. Another look that opens up your chest, it allows you to show a little cleave without taking a trip into ho-town, if you know what I'm saying. Pretty with earrings, you don't even need to really do anything to this to make it pretty. It's so feminine and lovely.

SQUARE


Square neck - French Connection

So plus size girls, listen up! You know how every time you put on a shirt, it either makes you look like you're a nun, OR trying to scare children with your bosom buddies? A square neckline is perfect for you. It shows a little skin without wandering into XXX territory. It cutts straight across the top, giving you a nice line while still offering some modest coverage. Love!

SCOOP

Studded tee - GoJane.com

A scoop neck is a good choice for something out of the ordinary. I really prefer it on smaller-framed girls who carry their weight in the hips and butt (ahem, me) because it balances out the width across yours hips for better proportion. It's also fun to dress up or down, depending on where you're going... with this shirt, I wouldn't touch it as far as accessories except for maybe a ring. A plainer shirt would get some awesome necklaces. Or some peacock earrings WOO!

BATEAU

Boat neck tee - Alloy

So bateau or boat neck shirts can be tricky to wear. If you love your neck and shoulders, go right ahead. Otherwise it can be a mess. It's a lot of fabric around the neck area, which means it's best for those with a thinner build and longer neck. It looks so pretty with earrings. If you have big boobs, move away. This will do what a turtleneck does... meaning they are going to look gargantuan. Unless that's the look you're going for. Or, if you're like me and have small boobs, wear it to fool people.

So, clear as mud? Hopefully that helps to guide your way through your next shopping trip. Incidentally mine is on Saturday. Print it off and it's like you have a little Jae in your pocket, which is helpful and not the slightest bit creepy.

Perks of the Job

Sometimes, being a fashion blogger can be a little grueling. For every awesome outfit I find, I've got to paw through 100 bad ones. Much like shopping in the mall, not everything I find is great, and all of a sudden, my back hurts, I'm wishing I wore more comfortable shoes, I'm tired and really want a pretzel.

But every so often I come across something SO AWESOME, SO AMAZING, that it makes all of the work worth it.

This time it was....

UNICORN MAN!


(He's angry!)

I found Unicorn Man on Friday night while I was researching some "Freaky Friday" links for the next post. I found this... laughed for about ten minutes.... and then sent it to my husband who was in the other room with the subject line, "A Sexy Little Picture for You."

As he eagerly opened it, I burst into laughter/tears when he gave me the WTH look. IT. WAS. AWESOME. Best prank of life.

The next day, while I was VOLUNTEERING WITH BABIES, he set it as my Facebook profile picture.

IT'S WAR.

Anyway, no fashion advice today. I just wanted you all to bask in the glory of butt-less chaps unicorn man here and reflect upon the coolness of doing something you love, whether it's fashion blogging or dressing up as a pink mythical creature.

Freaky Friday

Woo hoo Friday! I have work to do and then I'm off to gossip and eat food with friends while "scrapbooking". I never bring anything to scrapbook because I just sit there and run my mouth about Lady Gaga. Sounds good to me!!





This looks like it was once a wedge sandal, just hanging around and minding its own business and WHAM someone stuffed a leather sock into it. PS I am imagining how awesome that would be to put on your sweaty foot. SHUDDER.


Clearly from the 2010 Betty Rubble line. Who wears this? Why was in on sale 70 percent off?



This was listed as an Editor's Pick. Pick for what? Boxy weirdness? And the fringe, OH the fringe. Put some beads on it and you've got my entire wardrobe for the summer I was seven.



Also an Editor's Pick. No offense, Editor, but you are kind of one-note, wouldn't you say?



Yay! Awkward tin turtleneck dress! I totally understand why this model asked for the top half of her face to be cut off.


Silver straps AND a collar AND a weird face AND I want to punch it.


My sister in law sent me these. Is it weird that my first thought was about smuggling food into the movie theater?


I would while away the hours, conversin' with the flowers.... what? I can only assume this woman's pants are stuffed with straw.

I will be forever grateful for the crappiness of fashion. Now, go, have fun this weekend. I'm FOR SURE not shopping this weekend because I have hospital stuff. BUT! I'm starting the countdown for Memorial Day sales. Get ready to see some awesome Jae Tests the Trends coming up here soon!

Trend I Love: Peacock

Story time!

So when my daughter was barely one year old and I was a new mom who did things like take my one year old on education field trips even though she was barely coherent most of the time, I took her to the zoo. Mostly she just sat in her stroller and gnawed on a chew toy, so my brother and I made our own fun by taking awful pictures the entire time.

This is my favorite. We went to go see the peacocks, and my brother questioned why it's feathers weren't showing. My mom replied that it was because he wasn't looking to mate.

I said, "Will this help?"



It didn't. I came to the OBVIOUS conclusion that the bird was gay or not into humans.

Either way, I couldn't be offended because I. LOVE. PEACOCK.

And I am so happy that it is in every store lately because I have my pick of clothing and accessories that are brightly colored and easy to wear. Peacock is especially sweet because it gives you a variety of colors to work with, meaning it's practically impossible to mess up.

Yesterday I was at the mall (I'm SO WEAK and broke my shopping diet. I promise it was mostly for kid's stuff, but the stores call to me!) and I bought the coolest pair of peacock earrings that I intend to wear daily. Peacock is made up of jewel tones, so it's easy to mix and match. The best part is that it's colorful enough that the rest of your outfit can be so-so and it still looks fashion forward.

I predict from my magical fashion ball that peacock will be around into the fall, so here's some ideas on how to wear it!

Items in this set:
Dresses - Peacock Tunic - AX Paris - Fashion Dresses | Black Dresses |..., 25 GBP
Cocoon Crochet Hacci Shrug, $20
American Eagle AE Women's Artist Jeans (Dark Indigo Wash), $30
Fab Point Toe Flat, $9.50
BILLABONG Skin Deep Handbag, $40

When wearing peacock in print form, it's pretty much all the interest that you need in an outfit. Look for a print that isn't overwhelming. See how this one doesn't cover the whole shirt? Masterful! I like jewel tones paired with gold, and the color anchors the outfit to stop it from pulling the train into crazy town. Then, pulling in other tones with the sweater and the shoes gives the outfit a little more depth and you are pulled together and ready to go!

Items in this set:
White half sleeve scoop top, 7 GBP
American Eagle AE Women's Slouchy Skinny Jeans (Deep Indigo), $45
Miss KK jewelry - Triple Peacock Feathers with Black Crystals Necklace, $82
ASOS | ASOS Ethnic Style Ring With Natural Stone at ASOS, $10
Frye Maxine Trapunto Harness at Zappos.com, $370

Alright, this is a typical "Jae" way to wear peacock. I tend to pair it with really plain jane outfits. This CRAZY AWESOME necklace is so unique and serious that it becomes more than an accessory... which is why something this substantial should only be worn with an otherwise plain outfit. Too much and you look like a zoo barfed on you. And that just doesn't even sound nice. A white shirt, jeans and boots are all that's left to pull it together.

Items in this set:
Showdown Metallic Dress, $22
dELiAs > Elsa Lace Shirt Dress > dresses > casual, $36
Mia Fifi, $70
Fame Gold Sandals, $37
Quilted Bowler Bag, $35

Alright, if you like the colors of the peacock without actually wanting wear feathers and such (I don't know why you wouldn't want to wear feathers though. Come ON. THEY'RE FEATHERS!) You can use the color palette of the peacock feather as your inspiration. The trick to making this look on-purpose and not clownishly colorful is to anchor each outfit with a neutral, like tan, brown, black, even navy would work. It makes the palette a little more serious instead of looking like your two year old put it together.

And! If you want to *try* wearing peacock feathers but want to start small, I totally recommend a hair clip, hair band or smaller earrings to test it out. Then you can move on from there.

Other super cute peacock stuff:

Items in this set:
Zad Metal Disk Peacock Necklace, $24
ASOS Handpainted Peacock Bangle, $14
Peacock Feather Earrings, $13
ASOS Printed Peacock Bangle, $7.10

Awesome, right? Okay... so go get some! Then you might turn on a peacock for realsies! Lucky.

From My Closet: Steve Madden Scuba Jacket

I haven't done a "From My Closet" in a while, which is sad because I have bought some awesome stuff lately. I *might* have broken my shopping diet because the Gap was having a sale on kids jeans. But I swear, that and a teensy trip to Sephora were all that I did this weekend.

I have no will power.

Anyhow, I had my entire family come down for Christmas this year. It was crazy! And my house was very, very, full. But heading to the mall as one, big happy family two days before Christmas to buy EVERYTHING was epic and will be my new favorite Christmas tradition.

While at the mall, I got to introduce my mom to the wonders of Nordstrom. Obviously it's my favorite place to shop and I always find really awesome stuff there. And while there's a lot of pricey items, you can get really good sales too (Aaaaactually their semi-annual sale starts Wednesday HOW DO I KNOW THESE THINGS?) I guess my mom took the hint from my revered silence when we walked in the door, because she gave me a Nordy's gift card for Christmas.

That's why I love her.

I went like, three days later and found my favorite jacket EVER. I bought her immediately and took her home and have been wearing her obsessively since then. It's super soft, is very streamlined thanks to some awseome stitching and piping, and just generally looks non-mommy:


Steve Madden Scuba Jacket found here. I bought it in December for $68, but OF COURSE now it's on sale40 percent off because the fashion gods hate me. But I DID enjoy a whole winter of chicness.


It should be known that I am fairly obsessed with leather jackets, especially those that have biker inspired collars like this scuba one. I own four. Super unnecessary, but I have two black, one red, and then this bad boy. This one gets worn more than the rest combined because it looks good with my Fryyyyyyyes! And everything is measured against whether or not it matches my boots. Sadly, I'm not joking. I also feel like leather jackets can be done oh-so-badly. Like big, pointy collars, boxy shapes, etc. When I find a well-cut jacket, I MUST HAVE IT.


Oh haiii me, looking attractive in my jacket. PS is it me or does it totally look like I have a model-fan blowing on me in this picture. I promise I'm not, although I feel like it's a good idea for next time. This picture was taken so I could e-mail my mom to show her what I'd spent her hard-earned money on.

Anyway, I am cleaning out my closet for reals today because I promised my husband I would do something about the basket of clothes that seems to be barfing into my room on a regular basis, so depending what I find, you might get a few more episodes of "From My Closet." I can feel your excitement.

Freaky Friday

Wasn't it *just* Friday? This week went really fast, but I'm not complaining. Two more weeks on my shopping diet, which if you were a FAN you'd know about. Otherwise you're going to be in the dark about my reasons for a shopping diet.

Just kidding, it's because there's a big sale coming up. Think of it as training for a marathon.

Anyway, before we kick off today's fashion mishaps, a big shout out to my sister in law, who just found out she's pregnant with twins.

Here's what you have to look forward to!! I hope it's boys because these guys are SNAZZY. I think the neck chokers and chaps are *especially* masculine.


Alright, how many times have I posted jumpsuits now? THEY DON'T WORK. Especially when they are too short and worn with small boots. Is the one inch of shin really necessary?


OMG! I used to totally have shorts like this. Except that mine had fluorescent pink stripes and sculls down the side and I WAS SIX. This person is clearly a grown woman. This upsets me.


For pregnant women! Now you can let everyone know you have a little wolf on the way.


My friend Kristen sent me a website that was abundant in ugly shoes. This one takes the cake. Um, Sally, why are you dressed like you're an 80s Rocky lookalike?



Plus sized girls. Gold lame leggings are bad. Very, very bad. Shiny, yes. Attractive, no. Also, I DID in fact find that on BigGirlsLingerie.com as I learned that sex Halloween costumes that don't have anything to do with anything can be found in sizes 12-22!



No, no. Go ahead and rub your eyes. Look again. There are rodents in that show. Thankfully, they aren't real. I don't think. Otherwise what would you feed them? And how awkward would it be if they died in your shoes while you were on the stripper pole? EMBARRASSING.


It's okay, model. After having a baby my bajingo has a frowny face too.


We discussed this over on Facebook already, but I had to post it here. My favorite Lady, doing what she does best. Looking like a Jedi knight priest in mourning. I don't even know where she was going with this, and how much do I hate "Alejandro" as a song? It sounds just like Ace of Base and brings me back to the 90s. The only people I want to hear sounding like Ace of Base is ACE OF BASE singing "Don't Turn Around" BUT THANKS GAGA.

Well, I have an exciting weekend of laying sod ahead of me. Anything to keep me away from the mall. I WILL BE STRONG.