Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

For those of you new to the bah-log, Fun with Keywords is when I comb through my site analytics to find the search queries people use to get to my website. And, because I'm a nice person, I try to fulfill as many of these requests as possible. 

Here's some of the latest and greatest from my StatCounter.

"velvet bodysuit"

Oh, hey Donna Martin, glad to see you finally go Internet service in the 90210. I can only assume that Donna Martin is the only one searching this, because she's proooobably the last person past 1991 who actually wanted  a velvet bodysuit.

Don't look so smug.

"Sexy unicorn guy"

Once, my brother thought it would be reaaaaaally funny to post this picture as my Facebook profile picture:



It was. It was funny. But ever since then, sexual deviants have been searching for the same picture on my blog. THERE ARE YOU HAPPY?

"redneck driving gloves"

This is kind of out of my demographic, so here's the best I have.

They're waterproof!!


"cheeseburger crotch"

Seriously guys?







I hate my life.


"Canadian flag lingerie"

Oh, didn't you know? Canadians don't wear lingerie. We sleep in parkas in our igloos with pet mooses. Meese. Whatever.

...or this.



Also, I'm headed to Canada in two weeks and I am suuuuuper excited to get all the food in my belly. PIE EATING CONTEST!

"reasons to wear a dress"

OK, here goes:
1. They're pretty.
2. They make you feel girly.
3. You can wear them every day.
4. When you overeat pie in Canada, they hide the results.
 

"dressing like a raccoon" 



 
 ... end scene.

Happy Friday friends!

Fashion Week Trends for Normal People (Spring 2014)

I will fully admit that I have only a passing interest in Fashion Week. Because most of the time, it's one giant pat on the back for fashion and one giant eye roll from yours truly. I kid you not, I was paging through FW pics last week and saw no fewer than four men wearing backwards jackets. And I was like, where have I seen that before?

Date Night! Steve Carell, marry me. Tina Fey, be my Sister Wife.

Anyway, while I'm pretty much over hearing about FW on EVERY blog EVER, I do think it's worth it to take a look at some of the trends. Because you'll start seeing these in stores and then you're going to be like "What am I supposed to do with this?" and I want you to then be like "Oh yeah, Jae already told me."

We're friends.

Anyway, here's some of the stuff I picked up on while looking at pictures of men wearing backwards suit jackets.

1. Lavender

Rare London cream lace dress, $38 / Aéropostale slim fit denim jacket / Hue navy blue tight / Strap boots, $48 / Wet Seal imitation purse / GUESS necklace

Step off, cobalt. There's a new color in town. Lavender is kind of a big deal. And while it's traditionally a spring-y color (duh Spring Fashion Week) you can still pull it off in fall. I'm kind of obsessed with lavender with navy, so I love transitioning the color with some tights and a jean jacket. You could totally wear this to like, to an adorable baby shower or whatnot. PS how mad is Fashion Week that I totally mom-ify all of the trends with normal people activities? Answer: very mad.

2. Slits

Pointelle cardigan, $46 / Boohoo skirt / Qupid tall riding boots / Canvas handbag / Black stone earrings

OK, so the majority of slits for FW were like, up to the navel on leggy models, but that doesn't mean it's completely off-limits to mere mortals like you and me. A maxi skirt with a just-above-knee high slit totally works. Just remember that if you're showing some skin, the rest of your outfit should be covered up, lest I think you're a boozy boylover. Also, it's a fun way to show off super cute boots, but still be semi-warm (OMG today is downright chilly and I LOVE IT).

3. Draping

Topshop top, $29 / Mango dark blue denim jeans / Minnetonka moccasin / Mossimo crossbody cell phone purse / Watch / FOSSIL disc stud earrings / Monsoon scarve

Oh, look who just made the lavender thing come full circle. Yes, it was me! Draping give regular shirts some interest, which means you can totally dress down without a hundred layers. And, in the spirit of telling you guys everything, I will admit I bought this draped dress while prepping this post. A style blog for a shopaholic is a bad combo. Anyway, draping, wraps and whatnot are hyper-flattering and super easy to wear, especially if you want to camouflage some extra weight. This on your next girls' lunch? Perf.

4.Graphic Prints

Quilted faux leather jacket / River Island reversible skirt, $40 / Charlotte Russe pumps / River Island clutch, $40 / Maria Francesca Pepe earrings, $48

Let's be honest, when are graphic prints NOT a trend a FW? But yes, they are back again. Baroque was in like, a season or two ago, but this type of pattern is a little more zoomed-in and Aztec-y, because that's totally a fashion term. I love the jewel tone of this skirt and worn with a moto jacket (also very big for fall) it's like, hot date night material.

5. Non-Average White Button-Ups

Lord & Taylor button up collared shirt / Uniqlo jeans / Charlotte Russe flat / Kate Spade bow earrings / Warehouse bracelet ring, $13

Or is it button-down I NEVER KNOW. Anyway, I love this because roughly 70 percent of my wardrobe is made up of button-ups. My body was made for them -- my lifestyle is not. So I love to see a button-up that is toned-down enough for casual wear. This tuxedo style makes me say squee. Yes, squee. And how cute with colored skinnies and patterned flats? Totally appropriate for casual wear and you could also get away with it in a casual office setting too, so score!


So there's my deciphering skills at work. It's fun reporting on FW when I'm sipping on Crystal Light and wearing workout clothes like a boss (I promise I'm actually wearing them to work out). As always, let's just take a moment to remember that it's *only* fashion. Update your wardrobe on the stuff you love, pass on the stuff that's not for you and let's all move along.

Aaaand We're Back

I swear this is a style blog IswearIswearIswear. I have some awesome posts coming up, which may include outfits for girls with no boobs, outfits for girls who have a lot of boobage (next week is boob week and I am very excited for the search queries I'll get for saying boob so much on my blog. Boob boob boob), fashion week trends and leather jacket eye candy. So stay tuned.

But for now, I just got back from Lake Powell last night, have a wicked case of vertigo and need to do a pic dump before we get back to our regular scheduled programming. Good? Good.

We headed down south last Wednesday and have spend the last 6-odd days in the sun and on our boat. When we bought it a few years ago, my main prerogative was watersports. So we loaded up the tube and my prized wakeboard and seriously did not get out of the water the entire time we were down there.

And, in personal victory news, I went down with the express goal of jumping the wake on my board. It was like my unicorn. It HAD to be done or I would be shamed forever. Finally, on our last morning there, literally 30 minutes before we left I did it! After a million really bad spills I finally got over that wake, rode it for a few minutes and then faceplanted violently into the water. It. Was. Awesome.

Here's some pics of the vaycay. I promise it's my last (until I go to Canada for Thanksgiving in three weeks shhh don't speak)

 "Andrew, make a crazy face." Epic. 

 Naps on the boat are far superior to naps anywhere else. 

 Uhhh. We may have gotten a bit ambitious with the snorkeling after our Maui trip. All you'll see at LP is some carp and that flag I accidentally dropped in the water.

 The rainbow coverup makes an appearance! Any by appearance I mean it was permanently glued to my body all week.

 We checked out some caves and what not. That is not a toy boat. It's a ginormous cave.

 Here's where you'll find me at LP. Testing my mad skills while my husband yells "STOP TRYING TO JUMP THE WAKE!"and circles around to get me after I crash.

Can I also point out that this HAS to be the best workout of all time. Every morning I woke up so sore I could barely walk. That has to be either a sign of a good workout or a sign that I'm not very good at wakeboarding. Either way.

 This kid loves a selfie. He took 40. They all looked like this. 

Wearing a rashguard a) automatically makes you feel like you're hardcore b) stops sunburns and c) looks cute. Winwinwin. 

PS I still got a sunburn. You should see my awesome raccoon eyes. Thank goodness for BB cream.

OK. That's done. Seriously, I'll be around more often -- even when I'm in Canada. So check back tomorrow for some fashion week trends and notes on how I'd like everyone to stop pretending that Birkenstocks are high fashion, and then next week is BOOB WEEK OH YEAH. 

What I Wore: Outtakes

 You guys, I've totally sucked at blogging the past couple of weeks and it's not going to get much better until next week. We are headed out for a little end-of-summer vacation tomorrow so I'm busy getting things together/cleaning our boat/wanting to die. Yesterday I miiiiight have been home for all of 15 minutes, but today I have dedicated to the cleaning of my house, so I had a chance to nip in and post a late outfit. I feel so accomplished!


Anyway, whenever I take pictures and my whole family is around, I get three people yelling directions at me. The result is a lot of awful pictures.

Don't let this lovely picture fool you.

 Top: Paper Doll (similar) (plus size) (so cute!)

Skirt: Local boutique (plus + pencil i die!) (ignore the awful styling - the skirt is cute)

Shoes: American Eagle (awesome basic)

Earrings (F21)

 Aaaaand then my kids are like "Mom! Do this with your hand" and my husband takes pictures before I'm ready and everything else in the file looks like this.

And then my son gets dressed up as Batman/Handy Manny and also wants his picture taken.


It's kind of a process. They are far more invested in this blog than I am. Some people have editors and publicists, but I think I'll stick with my tiny fashion director and amateur photographers thanks.

Anyway, I'm off to clean and do generally unpleasant things for the rest of the day. Boooo.

Freaky Friday: Mathematics

Sarah and Co. sent me a Freaky Friday submission that just put me on a tangent. A tangent of "upcycling." You know, like instead of buying new clothes, you make something nicer with your old clothes. Now, I've seen upcycling done well. Not often, but it's happened.

Unfortunately, most upcycling results in marrying two different pieces of clothing into a Frankenstein. A Frankenstein of pants and sweaters. Here are some prime examples of what happens when you add two types of clothing together to create a creepy little monster baby.

 Here's the one that started it all! (Thanks Sarah!)

So, basically: Crocheting + Mountain Dew cans = a bucket hat that is cozy AND has really sharp edges and burns your scalp in the sun.

 Socks + arms = A really poorly thought-out purchase.

Sleeves. Look into 'em.

 The crotch of your favorite pants + that old sweater that you've had ever since you broke up with that guy and he never came and picked it up = ultimate Erkel jeans.

Dude never could pull his pants up to his throat.

 Perfectly good shoes + your kid's Lego set = finally a way to stop stepping on all of those motherfreakin' Legos around the house.

Also a good punishment that you can rub in your child's face repeatedly: "I TOLD you that if you didn't clean up I would hot glue your blocks to my shoes DIDN'T I?"

 The world's most depressing sweater + a stethoscope and/or fallopian tubes = probably a really interesting episode of "Grey's Anatomy."

 A really cheap chain + old keyboard keys = journalist pimp.

Your husband's tie + a pair of his slacks = Your fly is down but I can see a boob and now I'm questioning my sexuality.


How about in the future, we just stick to one type of clothing? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to glue some of my son's Lightning McQueens to a leather jacket. 

Yup...

...I bought them

And after an hour-long kickboxing class, I can declare that they are glorious.

And also that I need an entirely new workout wardrobe.

3 Tips for Buying New Workout Shoes

Okay, I know this isn't a fitness blog, but since I'm currently in the throes of finding new workout shoes that are awesome for you know, fitness and still cute, I thought I'd clue you in. I love the workout shoes I have now, but I can tell they're starting to wear and it's time to kick them to "strictly wear with yoga pants to the grocery store at 11 pm status."

In the meantime, I do have some tips for picking a pair of workout shoes -- both for function and because I'm really vain and like my workout shoes to match my clothes and look pretty. Also, can I point out that while swimsuit season is technically over, working out now shifts from looking good in swimwear to looking good while still consuming copious amounts of fall food, like pie and pumpkin muffins. Ohhh I cannot wait.

Ahem. Moving on.

1. Choose specifically for the sport/fitness you do.


There's actually a pretty huge difference between say, a basketball shoe and a running shoe. Shoes made for specific sports or types of fitness have different features, like supportive sides for lateral movements or light soles for faster feet. Because I vary in my workouts, I look for a good, all-around cross-trainer with light soles and mid to medium side support. Whatever your workout du jour, there's probably a shoe for it -- there's even a line of Reebok Crossfit shoes for those of you working on your WOD every morning. Also, if one of your sports or fitness is running, you'll need a completely different shoe -- don't try to run like, 13 miles in your cross-trainers or weight training shoes.

2. Try them on.



This might sound like "duh," but if you see a really good deal on fitness shoes online, beware. Workout shoes are on your feet for long periods of time and through tons of movement. The last thing you want is a hurt-y tag or lace to drive you insane when you should be focusing on burpees. I only buy online if it's a model I've already worn. Otherwise, it's a gamble -- some fitness shoes fit more snugly, some might have varying levels of arch support -- just trust me and head to a store and actually try some on before you check the Internet for deals.

3. Make it fun.

 My personal motto for workout gear is that the cuter it is, the more likely I am to work out. I know it's completely shallow, but nothing motivates me quite like some new leggings, adorable workout shoes and a new tank top. In the last two or so years, fitness shoes have gone from evil necessity to freakin' awesome accessory. Like, wearable outside of the gym and I love it. Neon is still pretty big right now, as is patterns on your shoes. So make fitness shoe shopping as much fun as shopping for heels and you might have more motivation to actually wear them.

(Not going to lie, I'm leaning heavily to the leopard ones)

Anyway, thought it might help if I Shared my process with you. I love shoe shopping, no matter what type of shoe it is. Now, help a girl out -- do you have a fave cross-trainer that I should check out?