Freaky Friday: Swimwear

Ha! You guys, I woke up to this picture in my email. It's my youngest brother Dallin, noting that despite we live thousands of miles away from each other (Dallin lives in England, where he's completing his LDS mission next month) we still are the same person. This makes me laugh TOO hard. I call Dallin my mini-me, but he's actually like three feet taller than me for reals.

OK! onto the freakiness. I was looking through my files and realized that it's a month into a summer and I Haven't even made fun of swimsuits yet. Yes, I keep multiple Freaky Friday files on my computer. It's embarrassing, but I'm an organized blogger, OK?



Oh, so that's what I forgot at the beach! My overalls!



Fastest way to inspire hatred in Jae: Wear Ed Hardy at the beach and then dress up your dog the same way. Actually, that's the second fastest way.

The first is be Lady Gaga.


Ultimate hipster swimwear: It's so vintage, it's Renaissance

Please cue the angry emails in which an angry hipster informs me that this picture is not actually Renaissance but Neoclassicism and then I shoot myself. Happens. Every. Time.



Ohhhh the tan lines. DO NOT WANT! Not to mention the fact that you'd have to be a size 00000 to pull this off. Consider the squidge factor, people!


You could knit this yourself, but why would you?

Also: Underboob.


This monstrosity is by Armani and is sold out and also I hate everything. I'm sweating just looking at this. And then sand sticks to sweat and gets matted in your fur and then it's just embarrassing.


Why not head to the beach looking like Mad Max?

OMG, I have a swimsuit with a big metal ring in the top and it looks cute but the thing feels like molten lava in the sun. Whose idea was that?


This 100 percent looks like something that a Project Runway contestant pulled off with some sailing canvas, three straws, a shoelace and a "make it work" attitude.


Hey, model: Wanna join the Sandwich Club? Initiation is that you have to eat a sandwich. You go first.



I guess it could be worse... it could be men's swimwear.



Come on, that's gotta be enough to make you feel pretty awesome in your tankini, right?

The 10 Commandments of Belting

Hey friends! Did everyone have an awesome Canada Day/4th of July? We went fishing and by fishing I mean my husband and kids played around with worms while I read a book down in the nose of the boat. It was very outdoorsy.

Anyway, I think it's time to talk about belting. It's one of the questions I get the most and sometimes, knowing how to belt clothes is hard to define. When do you go over? When do you go under? Where do you belt? Bahhh so many questions.

But never fear. While I do think it takse a bit of instinct, I can give you some basic commandments to follow when you're faced with belting. Remember these, and you too can belt like a total pro.



1) Thou shalt use a belt for definition. This is the most important of all of the commandments. Belts are used to make a shapeless outfit look sleek and hour-glassy. Anytime you have an outfit that makes people think "Is she pregnant?" and behold, thou is not, belt that sucker! Er... suckerest?


2) However, though shalt not belt things with an elasticized hem. Bubble shirts shall never be belted, as thou shalt look like a mushroom. Instead, save belts for shirts with volume around the middle.


3) Thou shalt try the sloppy tuck with a thick belt. Tucking a sloppy shirt too snugly into your belt will make thee look like thou hast just returned from band camp. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

... but there is.

4) However, thou mayest try a full tuck into a skinny belt as long as the shirt and pants are slim-cut and don't puff out like a pirate shirt around the middle.


5) Thou shalt try belting over multiple thin layers. Belting over thin layers shall give thee shape and connect all of the layers together in an outfit instead of just some sloppy stuff thou hast thrown together by accident. If the uppermost layer is hefty, like a blazer or cardigan, thou mayest belt only the layers underneath.


6) Thou shalt belt at thy natural waist. That's the spot between your hips and and your ribs. It's tiny and makes thee look like Marilyn Monroe. If though beltest too low, thou will look hippy. Too high, and thou wilt look as though thou is with child.

7) Thou should not always use the holes provided on thy belt. Belts can be tied and tucked in different ways.


8) Thou shalt own different belts in different sizes and colors. Then, thou shalt wear a belt that is comparable to the thickness and numbers of layers you're wearing. Therefore, thin belts are best with thinner layers, and thick belts are better over more substantial layers. However, thou should not be scared to experiment.


9) Thou shalt wear belts as an anchor or focal point of an outfit. Belts and shoes must not always match, but can only coordinate if there are no other matching pieces in the outfit. Otherwise, I dost not care.

10) Though shalt give thy belt some wiggle room. Thou must not cinch thy belt too tight, else thou will end up sweaty and uncomfortable all. day. long. Thou might also then need to take thy belt off in the car, and then thy husband will wonder why there are always belts stuck under the seats.

This is not from mine own personal experience.

Geez, all that Bible language hast made me tired.

Seriously though, does that help? Do you have any belt related questions? Hit me! Just not with a belt. That's abuse.

What I Wore: Wild Thing

YAY! I found my camera cord! It was in my guest room. I don't even... whatever. No one ever goes in there so I have no idea how it wound up under the bed, but I won't complain. I was afraid it was in the mass of laundry laying around my house since I haven't had the time to clean in the last 14 days. Make that 15 because I'm definitely not doing it today either.

Can I just insert a giant sigh here? I got back on Saturday from two weeks of "vacation" and the workaholic in me is so happy to be tapping away at my computer once again. I just love my schedule too much to be away for long. Plus I feel guilty when I don't post anything. Guilt be gone!

Two weeks ago, we headed down to Lake Powell for some boating and wakeboarding and such. Then, I got home for one day and headed up the mountain to take 30 girls camping. So what I'm saying is I spent the last weeks not showering and wearing a hat, so I wasn't exactly feeling all fashion-y. I was secretly happy to put on makeup yesterday. Oh eyeshadow, how I missed you. Let's never be apart.

I feel like a lack of showering, plus mixing peacock and snakeskin qualifies me as a wild child, right?
Sweater: GAP
Skirt: Ricki's (Canada - Hey, it was Canada Day yesterday, I had to pay homage!)
Wedges: Soda
Ring and necklace: F21

I'm not gonna lie -- the peacock necklace served two purposes. The first was that it was pretty, and the second was that my shirt is a low 'v' and I didn't feel like wearing an extra cami. Problem solved!

My feet were so happy to be in wedges again, especially with my summer orange polish. I can only wear flip flops for so long. Seriously, when I got home from camping on Saturday I felt like dipping them in bleach. I didn't, because that's extremely harmful and only on "My Strange Addiction," but I definitely thought about it.

PS this wedges make my ankles look impossibly tiny and therefore I try to work them into every outfit ever.


Also!! Easy hairstyle alert for when you sleep in! This is just three sections of hair would into messy buns. Like seriously, two seconds of work. I just did the middle section first and then wound up the sides and done. Do it! Dooooooooooooooo it.

OK, so I will admit that while camping I curled my eyelashes and wore mascara. I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. Am I a total wuss or not? I swear, after five nights up late, I looked progressively more like a zombie each day. Mascara makes it allllll better. Do you bring your makeups with you or do you go au naturel while camping?

Swimsuitphobia

Hey guys --- I'm off and running on my two-week long adventure of tearing my hair out, but since I'll be squeezing into a swimsuit this weekend, I thought this was a good reminder for all of us!

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Have I ever told you guys that I'm terrified of birds? No? OK, I'm telling you now. I hate them. There's something about the way they dart around erratically that makes me nervous. I hate any type of insect or animal that is erratic. Moths make me dry heave.

But do you know what's scarier than birds? Trying on swimsuits, amiright? And it's not like I'm the only one. I think the idea of baring your body to the general public makes nearly every woman break into a cold sweat. Want to know why?


This.

Remember when Jessica Biel did this spread for GQ or Maxim or whatever it was, and everyone was like OMG SHE HAS THE PERFECT BODY!?

I do. I believe she started dating Justin Timberlake shortly after this. Considering her claim to fame was "7th Heaven," it's proof that a magazine spread can do amazing things for your career.

ANYWAY. That picture is exactly what's wrong with every other woman on the planet come June. We have to go to stores with terrible lighting and squeeze into swimsuits made for supermodels and then NOT look like supermodels and then contemplate a liquid diet. It's pretty much the worst ever.

So the other day I finally decided to man up and go swimsuit shopping. I took my kids, loaded my iPhone with movies and took a deep breath. I've been at the gym at least three or four times a week for the past month, so I figured I wouldn't be too horrified with the results. I headed to the store and surveyed the goods. I chose six and disappeared into the fitting rooms. I put "Megamind" on my phone for the kids and started the process.

And wouldn't you know it? I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE JESSICA BIEL.

Now, let's get something straight. Even Jessica Biel doesn't look like Jessica Biel. That is called Photoshop. But I didn't even look like unphotoshopped Jessica. You know who I looked like? Myself.

Me who has carried and delivered three babies. Me who struggles out of bed at 6:30 am every morning to get to the gym to be tortured during Pilates. Me who never says no to butter on her popcorn. Me who can still do cartwheels on the front lawn, much to my husband's chagrin.

So while I stood there in an ill-lit fitting room with two kids and an armful of swimsuits that would not make me look like a supermodel, I felt my attitude soften toward my body in general. It's never going to look like Jessica Biel's. Ever. She has never had kids and therefore has hours per day to work with a personal trainer. And that's totally fine for her. More power to her! But it doesn't mean that I can mope around and feel sorry for myself because I can only squeeze in an hour per day. (However, I do feel sorry for myself that I'm not dating Justin Timberlake. It's a hard knock life, my friend.)

In fact, it put me in an annoyed mindset. I'm annoyed that women have to constantly feel apologetic that they look like THEMSELVES. "Um, sorry for my big thighs and my weird calves and belly pooch." Yesterday I caught myself complaining to my friend about my ribs. MY RIBS. WHO complains about that? It's so "Mean Girls."

I propose that we all get over our crazy swimsuit phobias. I know it's scary to put on very small pieces of stretchy fabric and not look like a Victoria's Secret model, but who cares? Everyone at the beach/pool/lake is so worried about ensuring that the light hits their abs so you can't see their stretch marks that they don't even notice what you're wearing. Unless you're shlubbing around a pool in a T-shirt and shorts. I always notice that. It's like a lighted sign that says "I HATE MY BODY." With a frowny face. Instead, find a suit that you love and that makes you feel good about yourself and stop apologizing. You look fine and maybe even a little confident. My swimsuit-buying advice? Suck it up and stop sucking it in.

You want to know what I bought? A swimsuit with a ruffled top and gold buttons and hardware. I totally wore it boating, despite the fact that my ribs are weird.

What I Wore: Buffalo Soldier

K, so first thing's first. I had my hair done; I went with the Natalie Portman style with the front of the Claire Danes lol. I liked the bang length. Thanks for helping me decide.


This is SO the "emo" setting on my camera phone. I am so deep it hurts. But it was the best way to see all the layers. Anyway, I super love it, although next time I'll probably take a few more inches off. I like to err on the side of caution when it comes to hair; too many bad experiences.

Editorial note, here: The next two weeks are going to be kinda weird for posting. I have a lot going on and will be out of town for like, the next 10 of 12 days, so I'll gear the blog up with some oldie-but-goodie posts. I'll also have an awesome post next week comin' atcha with the help of Revlon, so keep an eye out for that little gem.


Alright, outfit post. I usually like to alternate between casual and dressier outfits on here, but lately casual outfits have really just been a swimsuit and coverup. I took the kids to do something watery just about every day last week, and then we took the boat out for its yearly maiden voyage on Saturday. Hallelujah! It worked. I am happy!

So I apologize if the last couple of posts have been skirt-related. Forgive me? Especially when it's this cute leather skirt that I love?

(My husband said to "do a serious model face." Turns out I suck bad at modeling and will never do this again. I just look slightly annoyed, which isn't much different than my everyday face. Tyra would be so ashamed.
Top and skirt: F21
Bracelets: Nordstrom
Heels: Guess
That's it! Easy peasy.

I was super pleased with the combo between leather and buffalo plaid. They seem meant to be in a tough chick way, and we all know how I secretly want to be a tough biker chick. I just made sure to add girly heels.

.....and this is what happened when my husband asked me to "smize"


Sounds like SOMEONE needs to stop watching America's Next Top Model in his free time. Because this girl doesn't smize. I am so attractive.

These are my fave black shoes I own. They're not hurty and have the perfect amount of point. I hate uber-pointy shoes.

Alright, I have a ton of prep work to do in the next few days, so I'm off to the races. But not the actual races because I'm a bad runner.

Freaky Friday

Hi guys!

It's Friday, Friday. Sorry, did I just get that song stuck in your head? I apologize. I'm coming off of a "I just gave blood" high and I can't be trusted with anything I say. I should probably just go lie down but I have too much to do.






Is it me, or does just looking at this shirt make you want to wash your face and apply benzoyl peroxide? OK, just me? Fair enough. It would probably make me hungry too. I heart pizza more than anyone should ever heart a food.


Whoever this is, she 100 percent rips guys heads off and eats them for funsies.


"Oh shoot; I ran out of milk. Rats. Better get on my giant baby acid wash onesie and fulfill all Walmart stereotypes to go grab some."

(Thanks, H)



Continuing our fascination with stupid jumpsuits, I give you the "this makes me look fat and like I have a 12-inch crotch and I don't care" model.


So....much... argyle. I might be able to let it go, except that the same website suggested these to finish the outfit:

And what a well-dressed Yeti you shall be!



Correct me if I'm wrong: This is either what stewardesses wore in the late 60s or what the poor girls working at Hot Dog on a Stick wear today.



I wish I could give out awards, because this would be my pick for "Saddest, Worst-Fitting, Weird All-Boys-School Suit Ever"

You know what ill-fitting double-breasted suits remind me of?

Don't make me do it you guys.

I really shouldn't.

But I can't resist....

JANET RENO DANCE PARTY!!!!




And this is what a crotch devil looks like.



OK! Now I have a conundrum that I need to discuss with you guys. The latest shoes au jour are the wedge sneaker. They're -- believe it or not -- sneakers with a wedge heel.

Not like this:

These are a disgusting abomination.

But more like what adorable Miranda Kerr is wearing here:

Her cuteness level is astounding. SO when I saw these ones I was like maybe? DO I change my opinion on sneakers with heels? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL.


Like, would they be cute with a skinny red jean and a leather jacket or am I completely gone off my rocker? I just... I just don't even know anymore. Because I feel it's something that a pocket-size, under-30 gal like myself could pull off but I'm waffling.

Mmm... waffles.

No, but seriously. Cute or hideous? I can't decide, so be honest!

Help Jae Decide! (Again!)

OK, so I have a hair appointment this afternoon and I'm dying for a change. I've had the same long layers style since last summer and I'm down for something new, so I thought I'd put it to the masses to help me make up my mind. I've been hoarding pictures on Pinterest for a couple of months, so here's what I've come up with. Also, last time you guys helped me decide it was mah-velous, so let's do that again.

Couple things you should know.
1) I won't go any shorter than shoulder length. I actually like my hair short, but I feel like it looks way too much like teenage me. And teenage me wore yellow vinyl pants. It was a dark time.
2) My hair has already been colored, so we're only deciding on cut. OK, fine, I'm thinking about more highlights so sue me.
3) I have the hair of a Disney mermaid. It's super thick, pretty wavy, and filled with crustaceans. I KID! But the thick and wavy part, yes. Most of the time I get the stylist to thin it out a little or it literally takes 7 years to dry.
4) I don't mind styling, but during the summer I usually scrunch in some mousse and head out in the sun. So low maintenance is my friend.
5) Also, my hair grows obscenely fast. I rarely get drastic cuts because they only look good for five minutes until my hair starts acting like that PlayDoh toy where you can squish hair out of the guy's head. Does anyone even know what I'm talking about?

OK, here we go. I was going to make an adorable poll, but I'm having the kind of day where workout ended an hour ago and I'm still in my clothes, so I have to get a move on. Just give me the number in the comments. Pros, cons, and other suggestions are totally welcome.

1.

Love the bangs and the length.

2.

Probably the one I'm most serious about. NatPort looks all adorable and summery and I like that it's a bit shorter.!

3.

Super sleeky and short. Plus, Claire Danes is probably the celeb that I resemble the most (really, why could it not be Sofia Vergara? Stupid Anglo-Canadian roots) so I generally think that if it looks good on her, it'll probably work on me.

4.

This is the cut I have now, so it would basically be more of a trim. I wish I could do this hair color too, but red hair makes me look exactly like my mother and that freaks my husband out.

5.


This is the hipster cut from a couple weeks ago that I have a girl crush on. I heart its shaggy-ness, and if I got it, I could wear thick non-prescription glasses, so...

6.

I've had this cut before years ago. I love her bangs and the layers in this bad boy.


So, what do you think? What's your fave? Gimme your number and then I'll sound like a crazy person when I talk to the stylist "Um, some people that I don't know on the Internet said I should go with this." It'll be great!