Swimsuitphobia

Hey guys --- I'm off and running on my two-week long adventure of tearing my hair out, but since I'll be squeezing into a swimsuit this weekend, I thought this was a good reminder for all of us!

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Have I ever told you guys that I'm terrified of birds? No? OK, I'm telling you now. I hate them. There's something about the way they dart around erratically that makes me nervous. I hate any type of insect or animal that is erratic. Moths make me dry heave.

But do you know what's scarier than birds? Trying on swimsuits, amiright? And it's not like I'm the only one. I think the idea of baring your body to the general public makes nearly every woman break into a cold sweat. Want to know why?


This.

Remember when Jessica Biel did this spread for GQ or Maxim or whatever it was, and everyone was like OMG SHE HAS THE PERFECT BODY!?

I do. I believe she started dating Justin Timberlake shortly after this. Considering her claim to fame was "7th Heaven," it's proof that a magazine spread can do amazing things for your career.

ANYWAY. That picture is exactly what's wrong with every other woman on the planet come June. We have to go to stores with terrible lighting and squeeze into swimsuits made for supermodels and then NOT look like supermodels and then contemplate a liquid diet. It's pretty much the worst ever.

So the other day I finally decided to man up and go swimsuit shopping. I took my kids, loaded my iPhone with movies and took a deep breath. I've been at the gym at least three or four times a week for the past month, so I figured I wouldn't be too horrified with the results. I headed to the store and surveyed the goods. I chose six and disappeared into the fitting rooms. I put "Megamind" on my phone for the kids and started the process.

And wouldn't you know it? I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE JESSICA BIEL.

Now, let's get something straight. Even Jessica Biel doesn't look like Jessica Biel. That is called Photoshop. But I didn't even look like unphotoshopped Jessica. You know who I looked like? Myself.

Me who has carried and delivered three babies. Me who struggles out of bed at 6:30 am every morning to get to the gym to be tortured during Pilates. Me who never says no to butter on her popcorn. Me who can still do cartwheels on the front lawn, much to my husband's chagrin.

So while I stood there in an ill-lit fitting room with two kids and an armful of swimsuits that would not make me look like a supermodel, I felt my attitude soften toward my body in general. It's never going to look like Jessica Biel's. Ever. She has never had kids and therefore has hours per day to work with a personal trainer. And that's totally fine for her. More power to her! But it doesn't mean that I can mope around and feel sorry for myself because I can only squeeze in an hour per day. (However, I do feel sorry for myself that I'm not dating Justin Timberlake. It's a hard knock life, my friend.)

In fact, it put me in an annoyed mindset. I'm annoyed that women have to constantly feel apologetic that they look like THEMSELVES. "Um, sorry for my big thighs and my weird calves and belly pooch." Yesterday I caught myself complaining to my friend about my ribs. MY RIBS. WHO complains about that? It's so "Mean Girls."

I propose that we all get over our crazy swimsuit phobias. I know it's scary to put on very small pieces of stretchy fabric and not look like a Victoria's Secret model, but who cares? Everyone at the beach/pool/lake is so worried about ensuring that the light hits their abs so you can't see their stretch marks that they don't even notice what you're wearing. Unless you're shlubbing around a pool in a T-shirt and shorts. I always notice that. It's like a lighted sign that says "I HATE MY BODY." With a frowny face. Instead, find a suit that you love and that makes you feel good about yourself and stop apologizing. You look fine and maybe even a little confident. My swimsuit-buying advice? Suck it up and stop sucking it in.

You want to know what I bought? A swimsuit with a ruffled top and gold buttons and hardware. I totally wore it boating, despite the fact that my ribs are weird.

What I Wore: Buffalo Soldier

K, so first thing's first. I had my hair done; I went with the Natalie Portman style with the front of the Claire Danes lol. I liked the bang length. Thanks for helping me decide.


This is SO the "emo" setting on my camera phone. I am so deep it hurts. But it was the best way to see all the layers. Anyway, I super love it, although next time I'll probably take a few more inches off. I like to err on the side of caution when it comes to hair; too many bad experiences.

Editorial note, here: The next two weeks are going to be kinda weird for posting. I have a lot going on and will be out of town for like, the next 10 of 12 days, so I'll gear the blog up with some oldie-but-goodie posts. I'll also have an awesome post next week comin' atcha with the help of Revlon, so keep an eye out for that little gem.


Alright, outfit post. I usually like to alternate between casual and dressier outfits on here, but lately casual outfits have really just been a swimsuit and coverup. I took the kids to do something watery just about every day last week, and then we took the boat out for its yearly maiden voyage on Saturday. Hallelujah! It worked. I am happy!

So I apologize if the last couple of posts have been skirt-related. Forgive me? Especially when it's this cute leather skirt that I love?

(My husband said to "do a serious model face." Turns out I suck bad at modeling and will never do this again. I just look slightly annoyed, which isn't much different than my everyday face. Tyra would be so ashamed.
Top and skirt: F21
Bracelets: Nordstrom
Heels: Guess
That's it! Easy peasy.

I was super pleased with the combo between leather and buffalo plaid. They seem meant to be in a tough chick way, and we all know how I secretly want to be a tough biker chick. I just made sure to add girly heels.

.....and this is what happened when my husband asked me to "smize"


Sounds like SOMEONE needs to stop watching America's Next Top Model in his free time. Because this girl doesn't smize. I am so attractive.

These are my fave black shoes I own. They're not hurty and have the perfect amount of point. I hate uber-pointy shoes.

Alright, I have a ton of prep work to do in the next few days, so I'm off to the races. But not the actual races because I'm a bad runner.

Freaky Friday

Hi guys!

It's Friday, Friday. Sorry, did I just get that song stuck in your head? I apologize. I'm coming off of a "I just gave blood" high and I can't be trusted with anything I say. I should probably just go lie down but I have too much to do.






Is it me, or does just looking at this shirt make you want to wash your face and apply benzoyl peroxide? OK, just me? Fair enough. It would probably make me hungry too. I heart pizza more than anyone should ever heart a food.


Whoever this is, she 100 percent rips guys heads off and eats them for funsies.


"Oh shoot; I ran out of milk. Rats. Better get on my giant baby acid wash onesie and fulfill all Walmart stereotypes to go grab some."

(Thanks, H)



Continuing our fascination with stupid jumpsuits, I give you the "this makes me look fat and like I have a 12-inch crotch and I don't care" model.


So....much... argyle. I might be able to let it go, except that the same website suggested these to finish the outfit:

And what a well-dressed Yeti you shall be!



Correct me if I'm wrong: This is either what stewardesses wore in the late 60s or what the poor girls working at Hot Dog on a Stick wear today.



I wish I could give out awards, because this would be my pick for "Saddest, Worst-Fitting, Weird All-Boys-School Suit Ever"

You know what ill-fitting double-breasted suits remind me of?

Don't make me do it you guys.

I really shouldn't.

But I can't resist....

JANET RENO DANCE PARTY!!!!




And this is what a crotch devil looks like.



OK! Now I have a conundrum that I need to discuss with you guys. The latest shoes au jour are the wedge sneaker. They're -- believe it or not -- sneakers with a wedge heel.

Not like this:

These are a disgusting abomination.

But more like what adorable Miranda Kerr is wearing here:

Her cuteness level is astounding. SO when I saw these ones I was like maybe? DO I change my opinion on sneakers with heels? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL.


Like, would they be cute with a skinny red jean and a leather jacket or am I completely gone off my rocker? I just... I just don't even know anymore. Because I feel it's something that a pocket-size, under-30 gal like myself could pull off but I'm waffling.

Mmm... waffles.

No, but seriously. Cute or hideous? I can't decide, so be honest!

Help Jae Decide! (Again!)

OK, so I have a hair appointment this afternoon and I'm dying for a change. I've had the same long layers style since last summer and I'm down for something new, so I thought I'd put it to the masses to help me make up my mind. I've been hoarding pictures on Pinterest for a couple of months, so here's what I've come up with. Also, last time you guys helped me decide it was mah-velous, so let's do that again.

Couple things you should know.
1) I won't go any shorter than shoulder length. I actually like my hair short, but I feel like it looks way too much like teenage me. And teenage me wore yellow vinyl pants. It was a dark time.
2) My hair has already been colored, so we're only deciding on cut. OK, fine, I'm thinking about more highlights so sue me.
3) I have the hair of a Disney mermaid. It's super thick, pretty wavy, and filled with crustaceans. I KID! But the thick and wavy part, yes. Most of the time I get the stylist to thin it out a little or it literally takes 7 years to dry.
4) I don't mind styling, but during the summer I usually scrunch in some mousse and head out in the sun. So low maintenance is my friend.
5) Also, my hair grows obscenely fast. I rarely get drastic cuts because they only look good for five minutes until my hair starts acting like that PlayDoh toy where you can squish hair out of the guy's head. Does anyone even know what I'm talking about?

OK, here we go. I was going to make an adorable poll, but I'm having the kind of day where workout ended an hour ago and I'm still in my clothes, so I have to get a move on. Just give me the number in the comments. Pros, cons, and other suggestions are totally welcome.

1.

Love the bangs and the length.

2.

Probably the one I'm most serious about. NatPort looks all adorable and summery and I like that it's a bit shorter.!

3.

Super sleeky and short. Plus, Claire Danes is probably the celeb that I resemble the most (really, why could it not be Sofia Vergara? Stupid Anglo-Canadian roots) so I generally think that if it looks good on her, it'll probably work on me.

4.

This is the cut I have now, so it would basically be more of a trim. I wish I could do this hair color too, but red hair makes me look exactly like my mother and that freaks my husband out.

5.


This is the hipster cut from a couple weeks ago that I have a girl crush on. I heart its shaggy-ness, and if I got it, I could wear thick non-prescription glasses, so...

6.

I've had this cut before years ago. I love her bangs and the layers in this bad boy.


So, what do you think? What's your fave? Gimme your number and then I'll sound like a crazy person when I talk to the stylist "Um, some people that I don't know on the Internet said I should go with this." It'll be great!

What I Wore: Summer LBD

How was everyone's weekends? Mine got off to a rough start -- my husband I I decided to work together to lock our keys in the car, since he left them in the ignition while I locked the door -- but it turned out OK. For the record, the sheriff that came to break into my car totally agreed with me that it was really my husband's fault.

Anyway, I slept in yesterday morning and needed something super quick to throw on for church. I've had this casual LBD since last year, but I think of it as a winter dress because I wore it during Christmas time. Buuuut since it was one of the only things in my closet that didn't need to be ironed, I took it as a challenge to make my LBD more summery. Fun fact: I don't even own an ironing board.

Dress: c/o eShakti
Scarf: Local (Contagious)
Shoes: Volatile
Rings: Inspired Silver, Tiffany

I decided that a scarf and peeptoe wedges would do the trick. I hate it when people brag that their clothing is comfortable, but this really was. SO easy.

I also changed up my hair color a bit, and I wasn't sure how I felt about going less blonde. But I actually really like it after seeing these pics. Fashion blog WIN!

Oh, accessories. These shoes make me die with cuteness overload, but I rarely get a chance to wear them. There's just a lot going on with the wedge/ribbon/bow/scalloped edge combo that I have to wear them with something super simple. Of course, I rarely wear super simple outfits, so there you have it.

And now it's Monday and I have big plans to sit on my porch while my kids play on the slip and slide. It's a hard life I lead.

Freaky Friday

Hi Friends! (I thought you guys would find this hilarious, especially with the hipster love everyone's been feeling lately -- "Pretend to be deaf, just like you pretend to be short sighted!")

I am declaring today a "catch up day," where I get all the stuff I didn't have time for the rest of the week done. I have my sights set on laundry, a few episodes of "Vampire Diaries," and a couple of work projects I've had on the back burner. Sorry, shoe-a-day calendar. You did not make the cut and shall remain on June 1st.

Let's check this one off the list!



Lauren sent me these on Facebook, kindly pointing out that when viewed from a certain angle, they look like they have a certain part of anatomy. I apologize in advance.

Also, they're just ugly. Like, a special type of I-do-macrame-and-smell-like-patchouli-ugly.


Saw this on Pinterest as a way to "upcycle" old Barbie dolls. OK, people. This obsession with upcycling HAS GOT TO STOP. Turning jeans into cutoffs, I understand. But slicing the lips off of your kid's toys and wearing them around your neck makes you look like a cannabalistic serial killer.

I bet you listen to Gotye, too.


These are called - I kid you not - Shoe Condoms. The zebra part is s cover that "protects your heels" with a "conversation piece."

Couple things:
1) I'm sorry, but if you're hanging out in places where your shoes are at risk for STDs, you might want to rethink the company you keep.*

2) Also, does the conversation they inspire go like this? "Um, did you skin a zebra? You deserve an STD."

*And yes, I know that this product is not actually meant to protect against herpes. It's A JOKE. There, that absolves me of anyone getting chlamydia while wearing these. I'm basically a lawyer.


Ohhhhhhhh.






As if you need ANOTHER reason to never wear Crocs ever: Croc-foot.


Oh Chinese Walmart, you so racist!

If you can't read it, this shirt says "Now be a good boy else the black man will come down after you."

Let's just take a moment to absorb that.

Racist cats. So hot right now.


Jessica sent these over. Is anyone else feeling the need to run a marathon?

Also, is it me, or do they look like tiny stripper poles for the littlest strippers?

Oh sweet mother, I just gave TLC an idea for their next reality show.


Jennifer sent over these pants, but what confused me more was the product description, which said these would be great after a low impact workout? Umm, OK, weirdly specific product description. Can I try? "These pants are great for repelling the opposite sex while petting your cat and watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and crying into your lonely pillow every Friday night." See? I can do it too.

Alright, my day of awesome productivity BEGINS. OK, or at least it BEGINS when my in-laws come to get my kids to take them to the movies. Until then, you can find my pouring Froot Loops and wondering why we have so many McDonald's toys to step on.

Great Lengths

Sometimes it's amazing what I spend time thinking about. Like when I have deep thoughts about the length of pants. But with legitimate warm weather starting like, two weeks ago, comes the return of the capri pant.

Now, my hatred for capris is well documented with a highly controversial post. But I'd like to point out that my hatred for said isn't just a whim, it's just because they're so darn unflattering. I saw a comment on another blog about that post and it said "She's just writing that because she doesn't look good in capris." NO! I don't! I'm 5'4" and capris make me look about two feet shorter. I can't afford that.

I don't care if your calves are like toothpicks (and mine are not) capris just widen things out. That's because a true capri pant cuts across the widest part of your calf, stopping your leg short. The result? Short legs, wide calves. I know, it's enticing.

HOWEVER, as much as I eschew capris, I'm not opposed to a pair of Bermudas or a cropped pant.

"But JAE!" You shout at your computer. "How am I supposed to know the difference!?" Calm down. Don't alarm the neighbors. I shall tell you!



These are capris. See how they end right across where the calf is the widest? No bueno. They make the leg look stumpy.


These are crops. See how the pant stops at the slimmest part of the ankle instead? YAY! They make the leg look way slimmer. And SO cute with flats!


Ew.


Here are a pair of true Bermudas. I LOVE THEM. The best part about Bermies is that you can style them like you do a skirt. I love to wear mine with wedges and a dressier top for nighttime in the summer. And, since they stop anywhere between mid-thigh and the knee, you get nice, long line from knee to ankle for super slimming power.


Boo.


These are a capri-bermuda hybrid I found on Pinterest and they totally work. That's because they're cuffed right before the calf starts. Super cute AND an awesome way to make your capris into a more flattering length. See? You don't have to burn them! This with a low wedge and a tee for summer? Perfect.


If you want to give cuffing a shot, here's a perfect example of how to. Take a regular pair of skinny jeans and turn the bottoms up once or twice. They don't have to be perfectly neat. I like to do this when I really want to show off my shoes. If I had these shoes, I would probably just wear them everywhere.

I feel like that should open up your summer options a bit. By all means, show a little leg now that it's warm; just make sure it's the right part of your leg. Length is kind of a big deal when it comes to shorts and crops.

Do you still hate me for hating capris? I promise I have entirely honorable intentions. I just want to eradicate the world of stumpiness... is that so wrong?