Freaky Friday

OK, so Freaky Friday is suuuper late today. But I have good reasoning - it was my daughter's kindy grad today. So naturally we had to do that and then it threw the rest of my day completely off schedule. I'm the kind of person who has a calendar planning session every Sunday night. I like order because I'm a really scatterbrained person. So having my routine thrown off makes me insane. BUT! The grad was cute, and now I'm excited that I don't have to get my kid outta bed in the morning to catch the bus. I cherish my quiet time in the morning.

But I digress! I couldn't let Friday fly by without some snark!




Amy sent me an article with the title "Is This the Worst Nail Trend EVER?"

Let's see: Putting on fake nails that are shaped like duck feet and then bedazzling them like you were crafting while drink? Uh, yeah, I'd say that qualifies as the worst ever.



Stephanie sent me this prime specimen of front bum in the wold. Careful; it spooks easily. ANd by "spooks," I mean "jiggles".



Sara overcame pregnancy nausea to send me these shoes that straight up look like they were made from human flesh.

OOH! Story time! So when it comes to horror movies, I'm not as scared of ghosts and aliens as I am of slasher movies. Maybe because all slasher movies happen in sleepy towns full of cows and I happen to live in a sleepy town full of cows. Once, against my better judgement, I watched the new version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre with my hubs and our friends.

Aaaaaand I cried all the way home.

Through the corn fields.

The end.



Somewhere, Angelina Jolie is very glad that there exists a skirt that does the leg-sticking-out for her.


One of my favorite Pinterest finds because it was labeled "I need these NOW."

For you career as a street juggler?



Stephanie sent these shorts, which have so much going on that I feel like I have to properly categorize my feelings:
1) Where is this person's belly button? It concerns me.
2) Does this count as vajazzling? If you don't know what vajazzling is, don't ask questions and consider yourself lucky.
3) That lace looks like something I dug out of my sketchy bag of fabric scraps.
4) I feel like I see a bulge. DON'T LOOK.


Hey, I love pattern mixing as much as the next fashion blogger, but this looks like a thrift shopping hipster totally barfed on this poor model. WE GET IT YOU'RE OBSCURE.


I now present: The Saddest Patterned Tights I've Ever Seen. Why is one of the cats frowning? Is it because he knows that the wearer will be forever alone?





Brenda sent this hair purse that had a DIY and everything. It went like this:
Step 1: Find an old purse that you hate.
Step 2: Shave your head or scalp someone while they aren't looking.
Step 3: Glue it to your purse.
Step 4: Comb it lovingly as you acknowledge the fact that you're completely insane.
Step 5: Braid it and tell it secrets.
Step 6: Die.


I'm actually secretly glad Brenda sent it over, because I was wondering what to wear with my rainbow hair suit.


PHEW! Dodged that bullet!



I thought there was no way that we could top the ugliness of the cat swimsuit. But a wood grain swimsuit might actually win. Especially with the inexplicable Wet Seal belt slapped on there as an afterthought.

OH! I feel like this "wood" be a good time for a pun contest. HAHAHA. I'm clever. If you love me, you'll indulge my love of puns with a comment that has to do with this swimsuit.

Like "Birch, please."
Or, "I've been pining for this suit forever."
And "If we cut her open, will we find out how old she is?"

Um, wow. That went to a really dark place just now.

Oh, if only I could harness all of the potential I have.

But seriously. Wood swimsuit puns. Winner gets a nicely worded compliment from me. GO!



Well, the mailman just dropped a box of 10 books at my door and they're not going to read themselves. I have a big night planned, apparently.

Jae Raids the Drugstore: Best (and Worst) Beauty Buys II

So, you guys know I was on a shopping fast last month because I haven't shut up about it for the last 60 days. Like, we get it Jae. You didn't shop. There are starving children in Africa.

Of course, I had to have an outlet for shopping or else I would have ended up with the shakes, so makeup made up almost all of my purchases for the entire month of April.

Seriously, in true addict style I ended up just going to Walgreens and throwing the entire beauty department in my cart. Then I talked myself out of it and only came home with a few things. My husband and my bank account were grateful.

I thought I'd show you some of the stuff that I got that I loved (and hated) on the cheap at the drugstore. It's OK to feed your habit if you're also shopping for cough medicine, right? RIGHT!?


Rimmel Scandal Eyes Mascara

Despite the fact that I HATE the commercial for this stuff (seriously, it's not the gap that bugs me, it's the ugly face she makes OVER and OVER again during the entire spot) but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. I did that thing where you put saline solution in your mascara to make it last longer at the very end, but I could only make it last so long and the stupid Nordstrom near me shut down and I had a mascara emergency! I actually really like this stuff! It's not as smooth as my usual mascara, and I don't think I like it as much as Million Lashes, but it's pretty close. Gives me nice, fat lashes, which is the only part of my body that I would ever wish to be nice and fat.


Sonia Kashuk Brush Couture

Can I just tell you how much I love Sonia Kashuk brushes? Obviously they're from Target and not the drugstore, but I feel like because Target HAS a drug store, it counts. Anyway, this is my second set of SK brushes - the others I had for almost three years. They're super soft and lovely. I love the huge one for bronzer, and the last one in that row makes the coolest smoky eyes in one step, which is pretty brilliant. And I got all of them for like, $14 - not too shabby!

Wet n' Wild Color Icon Shadow Trio in Knock on Wood.

I was in a beauty slump last month and wanted something to kick it, but I also didn't want to commit to something pricey, so I picked this little number up for a couple of bucks. I'm telling you now: If you have blue eyes, get this palette! It's totally foolproof - I mean, each color tells you where it goes on your eyes, for goodness sake - and it makes my blue eyes totally pop. It would look really pretty with brown eyes too. I'm impressed!


Maybelline Baby Lips in Peach Kiss

Would you laugh at me if I told you I bought this at Walmart while we were picking up patio chairs and a couple of plants? Because that's how I roll. This stuff is like grown-up Lip Smackers. I can't really sat if it improved my lips at all, which is like, the whole schtick for this stuff, but it tastes awesome and I like the hint of color it gives. It's my new go-to laid-back lip that I keep in my purse and reapply 50,000 times per day.


Wet n' Wild Mega Eyes Liquid Liner

Oh, Wet n' Wild. You did so well with the Trio and then failed miserably with this liquid liner.

I totally hate it. I ran out of my beloved e.l.f. liner (are you detecting a pattern here? I make risky makeup choices when my stuff runs out) and grabbed this when I was out and about. I just hate the way it goes on. It seems like a liquid, but the coverage is pretty terrible. I needed like, three coats for it to show up. Not a fan :(


Maybelline Volume Seduction XXL

Makeup names are ridiculous. Anyway, this stuff is like a crack stick. I LOVE IT. I grabbed a couple - in Born With It (shown) and Fully Blushed - and I love them both. I've bought plumping lip stuff before, and usually it just stung. This gets your lips all tingly and I love the super sheer colors. You also get a ton of shine. I'm actually really glad I bought two - the one shown is really sheer, and then I got a pinker tone. If you're looking for Angelina lips, you're not going to get it from a lip gloss, but I love that these brought a ton of natural color. Definitely a keeper.

K, it's your turn. Have you found anything that you love for cheap at the drugstore you can share? Or have you tried any of the stuff I bought in a moment of weakness?

What I Wore: Nautical by Nature

Please tell me that you see what I did there with the title. Obscure 90s hip hop bands are my greatest love in life.

So, how was everyone's Mother's Day? My hubby pulled through with my favorite toffees from V Chocolates and a gift card for the mall to help me ease out of my shopping fast. He was all hurt when I didn't really respond to the chocolates, but that's because I accidentally saw them in the car and I'm really, really bad at acting surprised.

Hey, if your husband or significant other really pulled through this year, give him a little love in the comments so we can all bask in the awesomeness that is motherhood recognized, OK?

Skinnies: Local (Contagious in SF for local girls)
Tank: Gap
Cardi: F21
Necklace: F21
Wedges; Gap

Moving on, this is what I wore.... to something last week. I want to say it was another soccer game, but I had a ton of running around to do as well. So out came the yellow skinnies. I've been wearing navy with them nonstop, but with the shoes, it got a little matchy. The red from the cardigan was just enough to take it out of obsessive territory, and made it look adorable and nautical. I LOVE NAUTICAL.

OK, now that was obsessive.

Not gonna lie, I ended up changing into my TOMS later to go to the soccer game. Just full disclosure there.

How awesome is this necklace? I bought it on my girls weekend. I love how it looks all tangly. Especially because my regular necklaces are always tangly because I never put them away properly.

I always love my Rainbow Brite toenail polish. Which has since been peeled off.

OK, so your assignment for the day is 1) recognize someone who was thoughtful and lovely on Mother's Day in the comments section and 2) tell me if you also have a soft spot for 90s hip hop and actually understood the title of this post. GO!

Freaky Friday: Stuff Your Mom Doesn't Want

OK, so I think by now we've established my thoughts on the subject, right? Moms should get a present on Mother's Day. Period. Unless you buy her any of the following gifts, which should be killed with fire immediately. Seriously, just get a card.




I speak the truth when I tell you that I Had a vest JUST like this. When I was 11. Me and my elementary school BFF had the same one and we wore them with red turtlenecks, high waisted jeans, and red socks on the same day to a field trip. Then we tried to convince everyone that it was just a coincidence.

OMG I was such a nerd.


Lauren sent me this gem. Why is it that studded shoes always make me think of crotch kicking? Actually, give these to your mom so she can take her frustration out on your dad when he forgets to get her something.


How about these sweet lace inset jeans? Megan sent me these with the following message:
"I saw these on Pinterest with the caption "I NEED these!" The only reason anyone should need these hideous pants is to burn them for heat in the winter."

Megan, you are hilarious. Let's be friends. And braid each other's hair and tell secrets?

My favorite part is the wedges she's wearing them with. Um, why?


I know I've featured these Narnia shoes on here before, but Lindsay sent me these with a note that they "now come in cow."

Yes; just what your mom wants. The idea that you think she's a heifer. Prepare to be disowned.


This could be the ugliest poncho I've ever seen, which is saying a lot because I think all ponchos should be torched. On the bright side, it would totally look like you spend hours in a "How to crochet crappy 70s clothes" class to make this for mumsy.


More crochet from Brooklyn. I mean, at this point, isn't it easier to just go naked?


Francie sent me these shoes covered in Mongolian hair. I used to have a German shepherd who shed fur like this -- should I have been selling it instead?


Francie also sent me these Little House on the Prairie moon boots. The description is awesome.

"UGG like boots amazing without the fur inside but inside with a black leather.
CUTE with everything, soft on the foot, warm, cozy & super odd & unique."

NOTHING about that description sounds appealing to me whatsoever. And when is "UGG-like" a selling point? Of course, mom could totally wear them when...
....Nothin'. I got nothin'.


Is mom auditioning for a role in "The Scarlett Letter"? Then help her do it in style with this $500 Shaker dress. I like how it says "Please don't find me attractive!" (Thanks Jessica!)


Look, I'd be overjoyed to get a pair of peacock earrings for Mother's Day. But I don't think I need an entire duck on my head. Francie sent this one over. It's a steal at $15. Which led me to do some very deep thinking on how cheaply you can skin a duck. Like, $15? That is REALLY CHEAP.

Why can't stuff that doesn't make you look like a complete psychopath ever that cheap? Boo.


Well, ladyfriends (and my two male fans) I'm signing off for the weekend. I hope you get all the recognition, hugs, love, and couture that's coming to you this Sunday. If not, you can totally email me and I"ll send a threatening letter to your husband. I'll also buy that duck hat and take a picture of myself in it and attach said picture to the threatening level. Nobody messes with a lady with a FULL DUCK HIDE on her head.

What I Wore: Soccer Mom

Ahhh. Monday. I'm home from my girl's trip and it was awesome! We shopped (and broke my shopping fast with a new pair of wedges!) ate a ton of food, talked, did stupid stuff like go to Walmart at 1 am for magazines, and stayed up late. It was exactly what I needed.

But now I'm back into mommy mode.  My daughter plays soccer, and last week I had spent the day running my momma to the airport, running errands, working, and then heading down to the soccer field. Can I just say that soccer is the best invention for kids ever? A couple of years ago we had her in dance and it made me want to poke my eyes out. For one, it was crazy expensive, and for two, I had to sit through four-hour recitals. An hour soccer game is cake compared to that.

And this is what I wore.

Dress: Old Navy

Boyfriend cardi: Local (My Sister's Closet in SF for you local girls)

Earrings: Downeast Basics
Boots: Frye
And lest you think this entire outfit is all solids, the earrings are leopard print. So there. 

I never thought I'd be able to classify myself as a soccer mom, but there you go. I cheer sporadically and check my phone like the best of 'em!

Dresses for soccer games... who knew!?

She's got a practice today. I'm thinking a cocktail dress? KIDDING. If I'm able to talk myself into getting dressed after my Pilates class this morning, I'm calling it a jeans and T-shirt kinda day.  But let it be known. Summer dress + cardigan + belt and boots = happiness.

Freaky Friday

It's Thursday morning and I'm writing Friday's post early because I'm heading away for the weekend with my girlies. I have so much stuff to do still, including finding my camera and having a deep discussion with myself wherein I decide which swimsuit looks best, but I had to squeeze in time to write this post and schedule it for tomorrow... er, today.

Is it weird that I feel like I'm writing from the future? Just so you know, there's flying cars.

Let's do it.

Yeah, I don't care what you're doing or who you are, but these ponchos make anyone look like a stoner. You could be standing in front of a class with your three small children, teaching about the dangers of drugs, and drinking apple juice, and I'll still think you're smoking a joint behind the girl's bathroom on your break.

In the market for a chic lobster bib? This one is a paltry $72! Who says food catchers are just for babies? I'm excited for the creation of adult bottles and scratch mitts.

Sarah sent me these heels, which are made from -- wait for it -- elephant dung. Because, you know, feet usually have such a pleasant odor to begin with.

Also, I think that while disgusting, dung is a much better word than poop. Who's with me?

Yes. This is a very mature fashion blog full of serious fashion.

Anna sent over these ... shorts? My discomfort level right now: High. Not only are these entirely too tight and probably invading places they shouldn't, but they show far too much side-thigh, which I find to be disgusting.

Alisha sent over these bone shoes. As I was thinking about them, I start forming a link between "wearing your heart on your sleeve" and "wearing your bone on your shoe" until I realized that using the word "bone" in a sentence makes me feel gross.

This post is deteriorating by the second.

Aly sent these bad boys, which were recommended to her by ShoeDazzle. I'm pretty sure she didn't specify an obsession with floatation devices as part of her fashion tastes, so it looks like Kim Kardashian got it wrong again. I know, you didn't think it was possible.

This Etsy find was sent to me by Alexandra. Oh, Etsy. Home of terrible fashion with the best descriptions ever. "This shoes is a whimsical portrayal of a faerie land nymph. They'll look perfect while foraging for truffles in the wilderness and casting love spells on that someone special."

Translation: I made this crappy shoe with my glue gun, some pretzels, and stuff I found at Michaels. Can I have $100 now?

Let me guess: You went alone to prom?

(Thanks Colleen!)

FINALLY! Our favorite jumpsuit is back in stock so RUN, don't walk to go look like the fanciest aerobics safari hooker ever!

Elizabeth was devastated, yet strangely empowered when she was diagnosed with a fatal hair tumor. Luckily a photographer was on hand to capture it all. Let's all light a candle for Elizabeth tonight, feeling grateful for our hair health.

 

Ah yes. A holey side-boob shirt that makes a statement. That statement being "I might smell a little."

Alright, I'm off the the races. And by races, I mean spa. I'm only halfway packed and completely unshowered and I'm leaving in precisely 90 minutes. Happy weekend, friends.

I know it'll be happy for me because my shopping diet is officially DONE. Let the binging begiiiiiiin.

Bond Beauty

My husband's family has a cabin about 90 minutes from where we live, and we head up every month or so. Confession time? When I'm at the cabin, I schlump around looking like a total hobo. I wear sweatpants and lounge on the deck reading David Sedaris, skip the makeup and rock the messy bun the entire time I'm up there. And hey, I don't care. It's a cabin, for heaven's sake. No one has to look nice and there's only two mirrors in the entire house.

Here's the problem. There's been times that we're heading down off the mountain and some friends want to meet for dinner or my husband needs to stop by the office, and suddenly unwashed hair and an oily T-zone are not OK anymore. There's been plenty of times where I look and feel crappy, yet I've got to head out into the public without frightening children and small animals.

For this reason, I've developed a way to put myself together in a few minutes, using only a couple of products that I have stashed in my car's glovebox. YES I DO THAT. I also keep receipts, a couple of old pens, and nail polish in my glovebox, just in case.

You know what's missing? Gloves.

But I digress. I thought it would be super helpful if you knew which emergency, spy-esque Bond beauty products I keep handy in case I have to go from hobo to hot in like, 5.2 seconds. OK, maybe not like, Bond-girl hot, but at least natural and presentable to society. Seriously, it takes three products and a bit of maverick hair skills, but it's totally doable.

K first? I grab this super-light foundation. I love this stuff for emergencies because it slathers on quick and evens out skin tone without looking all "done." I'm a diehard mineral makeup girl on a regular basis, but when I don't have my precious Bare Minerals with me, this stuff is perfect. Added bonus? It's thin enough that I can put t on without a mirror if I have to. A lot of times, it's not huge pores or zits that make you look hobo-ish, it's uneven skin tone. Even out and the rest of the stuff is less noticeable. 

I've been using this gel bronzer since I was a teenager - seriously. It's always stashed in my glovebox because it looks totally natural on and takes the place of bronzer and blush when I don't have time or products. You don't need a brush to put it on, which is perfect when I'm workin' with what I got. I just squeeze a tiny amount onto my finger tips and then dab along the tops of my cheekbones and temples to bring some color to my face, which is important when I've spent the weekend napping, eating chips and avoiding exercise. 

Oh yeah, you know I love me some Great Lash. I love my Dior any other day, but I don't just carry it around with me everywhere. That's weird and slightly obsessive. That's why I bought a tube of this inexpensive, perfectly basic mascara. I pull double duty and make it my eyeliner and mascara. I just stick it against the base of my lashes, wiggle to deposit color (ew that sounds gross) and then sweep it on up. Done!

Now, if my hair is totally hopeless after letting it air dry, I go to my old standby and stick it in a diagonal french braid. If you're still working on your self french braiding skills, and you have shoulder-length hair or longer, just tie it up into a low, messy bun. Short hair girls, I would just grab a couple of bobby pins and tie back my bangs when I had shorter strands. Easy! 

Seriously, that's it. These three products have saved me from looking like the queen of the undead when I have to unexpectedly meet up with friends, have been traveling all day, or whatever. Just goes to show that you don't need a ton of products or 30 minutes to primp. When you're running short on time and your makeup bag is nowhere in sight, your Bond products can fix you up.

They can also disguise you as a clever mime to infiltrate a drug ring, but that's a post for another day.

Alright, it's your turn. Have any incognito secrets for perking up fast?