Freaky Friday: I Heart My Readers

I've been getting everyone's Halloween costume submissions and I AM LOVING THEM. Some have actually left me speechless. I'm going to do the Freaky Friday Halloween Sexy Costume extravaganza next Friday and I'll also reveal my own Halloween costume. I bet you can't guess what it issss!

But besides vulgar Halloween costumes, my readres are also always sending me the best Freaky Friday submissions. I love you guys. It makes my job easier and makes me think that someone is actually reading this drivel. That makes me feel warm inside and it's not just because I have heartburn from eating PopTarts for breakfast.

Let's do it!

Meleah alerted me that they just released the preview of the Versace for H&M collection. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of really cool places. The stud dress is ah-mazing. But some of them are so Mya Rudaolph-playing-Donaltella-Versace-on-SNL-ish I can't even stand it.

I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but let's just make a general rule against pink uterus shapes on your abdomen? OK. Because up close this is a pretty albeit super weird beach scene, but far away it's a treasure map.


This dress makes me feel festive in a cat-getting-into-the-tinsel way.

My younger brother also just informed me that one of my parent's cats has a digestive problem and has been barfing everywhere. I was never so glad to live 3,000 miles away.

I have no idea why I just told you that.


YAY! For when you can't decide how you want to look: awkward and crazy... or awkward and crazy!

I went through a brief fixation with fur vests last year. Thank heavens I didn't give in. This looks like a gorilla, Donatella.


Rebecca sent me what might be the world's most inappropriate boots. Inappropriate for what? Life and mankind. And straight people.


She also sent me this PURE awesome. Anyone else have the urge to reach out and pinch this bum?
Yeah, me neither.
Also, I am always lamenting about how the ugliest part on the male body is the upper thigh. I will add that both front and back of the thigh are equally offensive. Especially on this guy.



Lindsay sent me these boots that she noted would be perfect for self defense. Although, if you're wearing these, you probably deserve to be mugged. Also, I'd love to see you try and run.


I got the best email from Jo who is from my hometown far, far away and reads my blog because her daughter used to work with my brother. How awesome is that? It's from Joe Fresh, which I actually like. Unfortunately, this dress looks like that paper that came in rolls in the 90s and to use it you would have to unroll it and flatten it out. What was that stuff even called? My mom used to make bows out of and stick it on wreaths in our house.

Also, is it me or does it look like that dress would make a weird sound when you walked in it?

It was posted on the Toronto Star website with an option to vote for love it loathe it... but I didn't see one for "kill it with fire?"


My Aussie friend Mina sent me these socks. I wondered if you could just wear them with a bra and call it a Halloween costume, but she said she'd rather wear them to the grocery store to see what people did. I think it's problematic that the capes are only on the socks... does that mean only the calves can fly? Awkward.

As always, thanks to my loverly readers who keep me supplied with the web's ugliest clothes. It makes me oh so happy.

So if you were following along on the Facebook page, you'd know that I was considering the purchase of a pair of red skinny jeans and needed the opinions of my trusted fans before I moved forward. I'm happy to say that you approved and I'm needy, so I went and got my pair at Contagious (local girls, seriously, check it out... they have awesome clothes. Where else can I find a pair of red jeans on Main Street, for goodness sakes.) I'm so excited to wear them today. I have a hot date with Footloose and I intend to pay homage to the red cowboy boots with my red jeans.

See? I really couldn't do it without you guys. Mwa! (That was a kiss or the beginning of an evil laugh.... I'll never tell!)

Also, 10 points to whoever can guess what I'm dressing up as for Halloween. If you're one of the three people I've told YOU CAN'T GUESS and I'll cut you off as a friend. Want a hint? It doesn't involve lingerie OR a tail.

Sweater Weather!

After a really weird month where we had summer like temps (I was wakeboarding the first weekend in October) it's finally cooled down here and I'm kind of in love with it. I walked down to a friend's house the other day and she asked if I was freezing because I was still in shorts. Please. My two year old made me carry him the three blocks home UPHILL and I was so hot I briefly considered becoming a nudist.

Of course, with cooler weather comes awesome sweaters and nothing in the world makes me quite so happy. I plan to build up my sweater collection this year, since I tend to stray toward blazers and my sweater collection is woefully underpopulated. So I decided to go online shopping and see what's big this fall for sweaters. Would you like to see what I found? OF COURSE YOU DO!

Stripes:

Hollister Co boyfriend shirt, $50
H M cotton knit sweater, £15
ANM knit sweater, $50
Almost Famous loose shirt, $22
Old Navy knit sweater, $27

Of course stripes and sweaters are pretty much synonymous, but stripes can be scary and tricky to wear. If you're in love with a cute nautical sweater style, remember to choose a pattern in proportion to your size and look for more abstract prints if you have problem areas. For instance, I am loving the more freeform Fair Isle stripes and they'll let you in on the trend AND be super flattering. Also, stripes on different structures. Don't always think that sweaters must be old school. I love a Dolman sleeve or poncho-like construction. Just not an actual poncho. Ew.

Ladylike:

Hollister Co scoop neck top, $50
Striped top
H m cardigan, £15
Hollister Co beach top, $36
Floral Waffle-Knit Cardigan, $13

I just cannot handle the level of cuteness here. Bows? Lace? Swoon! Ladylike details are awesome because the cardigan is kind of conservative as it is. The trick is to add balance. I would love a bow cardigan worn with uberhigh heels or a floral cardi and scuffy boots. The juxtaposition of sweetness and something more rebellious makes my heart warm inside.


Boyfriend:

Hollister Co cotton shirt, $35
Fox hoodie, $32
Soul Cal sweater, £30
Soul Cal ruched top, £20
Cardigan, $25

The boyfriend sweater is supposed to look like you stole a sweater out of your hubby's or boyfriend's closet. I just did a look with one and I'll show you on Monday, but for now you can check these out. Now, just because boyfriend sweaters are in doesn't mean you can just wear a man's sweater. Look for male-inspired details on sweaters cut to fit a woman's body, if you place. Wearing your hubby's Hanes sweatshirt isn't going to fly with me.

Structured:

Old Navy cable knit cardigan, $33
Brown cardigan, £25
Daytrip oversized blazer, $44
Denim jacket, £28

H m blazer, £25

Remember when I told you that I tend to stray toward blazers? Yeah, I love me some structure. It's magical for making your body look super put together. I especially love blazer construction on a sweater. It ALWAYS looks right. Pair any of these with a scarf, skinny jeans and knee-high boots and you're the cutest mom at the PTA Fall Festival, my friend.

Alright, so fess up... which one of these sweaters would you buy if you could? I'm heavily contemplating that Fair Isle loosey goosey shirt. What is it with me and hippy clothes lately?

What I Wore: Hippy Dippy

I think I usually stray toward straight-laced, more formal styles. If you asked my favorite type of look in general I'd have a hard time choosing between "Girl Next Door" and "50s Mad Men Secretary." lol. By the way, those are both totally real styles. I should know, I just made them up.

I've never really gotten on board with the whole Boho movement. While I totally love me some Nicole Richie-esque maxi skirts, macrame and head scarves just aren't me. So when I saw this crazy shirt it took me a long time to finally just buy it. No joke, I tried it on like, three times and kept asking my mom, who was shopping with me "Is this totally crazypants or what?" I finally just ended up buying it. Because when in doubt, buy and work it out.

Still, it wasn't totally "me" until I style it with my trusty old Fryes. I think it makes the shirt a little more down-to-earth than had I worn this with like, a maxi skirt and some platforms, right? I guess it's a Jae way to dress like a total hippie.


Top: Local boutique
Belt: Walmart woo!
Jeans: A&F (I have like 90 pairs, sue me.)
Boots: Frye
Leather bracelet: Marc Jacobs
Earrings: F21

I HAD to belt it. It was so impossible for me not to because I felt like the shirt was so floaty that it needed some structure to bring it down to earth a little bit. The crazy print was just TOO crazy.





I love these earrings. They're made out of shell but carved to look like wings. Aaaand they were like $4, thank you F21. Also, please note that EVERY TIME we take pictures my son wants to get in there and do kiss pictures. I can't say no!

I still don't think I'm totally cut out for boho looks but I guess this is the best of both worlds. I'll still take a pencil skirt anyday.

So now I ask YOU, if you could describe your style, how would you describe it? Tired Mom-on-the-Go? Girls Night Out Rockstar? Pajama Chic?

Also, if you haven't seen this article on The Daily Mail's website, check it out!

Freaky Friday: Pinterest Fails

Most of you know by now that I am utterly obsessed with Pinterest. I just love all of the IDEAS out there. Most of them make me a little angry, because they're so simple and I should have thought of it before, but I love that Pinterest puts those ideas in my head. I actually made my daughter a TUTU. Like, who am I? (It was no-sew, everyone calm down.)

Anyway, one of the awesome things about Pinterest is seeing the eclectic mix of fashion that different people pin. Actually, I saw an outfit on there that I cannot wait to replicate over the weekend. When I'm stumped for new ways to remix my closet, my trusty Pinterest never fails me.

Except when I see things on Pinterest that hurt my heart. Like when people pin bad fashion and pretend like it's good. Or when I see outfits that need to be retweaked. Some aren't even *that* bad, but they could be so much better. Which is what I was talking about when I lamented this very problem on Facebook.

Shall we delve into the belly of Pinterest to see what things bug me? OK! These are actual outfits and clothes pinned on bulletin boards. I did my best not to take any from anyone I followed... so don't hate me if you're like "Hey I pinned that to my Favoritest Clothes Ever board!"


This was listed as "Must have this outfit!" Yes, everyone MUST look like they're 14 and shop at Wet Seal and take everything too literally!


Oh, this outfit. This outfit, this outfit, this outfit. Whoever made this did their very best to stick to a subtle color palette. I can tell.

We've talked about how much I hate matchy, matchiness, right?



I hope you got a pedicure. Because everyone's gonna be lookin' at your bunion.


These aren't shoes. They're a floatation device.


I would like to know in which office it's appropriate to wear what are essentially pink khakis with nude peep-toe booties and the world's most random emerald necklace? But uh, good luck at your new job: unemployment.


Oh, these shorts. While the patterns is HORRENDOUS and a little excessively New Mexico, I believe it's the diaper-like fit that offends me the most. Maybe it's because I actually see my child's diapers on a daily basis, but I just KNOW what this woman's bum looks like. Soggy.


Now, I would like to point out that I *almost* like this and it really shouldn't be on here EXCEPT for a few details that I must point out for the sake of education, if nothing else. First: if you have awesome boots with awesome details, don't hide them under bootcut jeans. These would be so cute with patterned tights and a skirt or dress instead. One of my Pinterest girls referred to these as "Uncircumcised boots" which made me laugh maniacally for at least three minutes. Second, if you're doing two accessories that will essentially lay on top of eachother ie: earrings and a scarf, don't let them be the same color. They will totally blend and you'll lose the interest. If these earrings were gold or the scarf was plum, this outfit would get an A+.


I like to think that I'm pretty adventurous when it comes to accessories. But apparently I'm just not hip enough to rock the bakery trend. Woe is me.


I KNOW the person who created this one had schizophrenia. Plaid dress AND skinny jeans AND super detailed heels AND some random flowers that I don't understand. You go girl.


HA! You thought I was going to say something snarky about these nails, when really I just wanted you to bask in their awesomeness. T-U-R-T-L-E power!!!

If you want to follow me on Pinterest, click here. I think I might start a bad fashion board because I thoroughly enjoy picking things apart. It's what makes me so very delightful to be around. If you have any bad fashion, remember to send it my way. The scary sexy Halloween costumes have started coming in and I am loving them all, keep 'em coming!

Happy Friday, guys!

What I Wore: High Mileage

You might be surprised to know that me and fashion weren't always good friends. You've seen pictures of me as a teen, so you know I went through an awkward, graphic tee and bathtub necklace-wearing phase before coming into my own and learning how to look like an acceptable human being. The truth is that I didn't always have much money to spend on clothes, which made me think that I had to go around looking "quirky" at best.

Even though I have a slightly larger shopping budget than I did when I was a teen or when I was first married (seriously, it was like $25 a month. Sigh.) I still have a hard time shaking the habit of shopping for the most mileage possible.

You see, when I had a miniscule budget for clothes, I did all of my shopping with my teensy wardrobe in mind. I had to invest in pieces that I could wear all the time in a variety of ways. And I STILL do this. When shopping, I usually pick out an item and buy it once I think of three ways that I could wear it.

Which is why I slapped down the money for this supercute boyfriend blazer. I've tried boyfriend blazers before and they always made me look like Jerry Seinfeld. But I found this other one at F21 a couple of weeks ago and it fit like a glove without totally drowning me. Plus it had a button. YAY BUTTONS.

So you get two outfits today. I know, I know. I spoil you with pictures of myself. You are welcome. I just wanted to show you two ways to wear the same thing, yet look like you're wearing a totally different outfit. Then people say "How does she have so muc money to spend on clothes?" And you're like "You'll never know, sucka!"

Outfit 1 (Thank my husband and the dark, rainy weather for the fuzzy picture.)


Blazer: F21
Green v: Derek Heart
Jeans: Refuge
Shoes: Wild Diva
Scarf: Gap
Cuff: Marc Jacobs
Bangles: Nordstrom
Ring: F21



Can we just take a moment to squee over these shoes? They are some of my faves because they're pony hair. So they look like zebra and they feel weirdly like zebra too. Except I've never petted a zebra, so we'll just pretend.

Anyway, I wore this out to dinner with my friends on Friday night. These jeans are ultimately skinny, so they don't get worn that often. To be honest, I always forget if they fit or not, so I avoid them until I get the nerve to put them on, then dance a short jig when I realize that they do in fact still fit me. WOO.

THEN, on Sunday, I used the same blazer to dress down my favorite cocktail dress. (Picture is much better.)


Dress: Adrianna Papell
Blazer: F21
Shoes: Payless (American Eagle brand)
Pearls: Nordstrom (tied)
Ring: Local

I love love love this dress. I love me some Adrianna Papell, the dresses always fit like a glove and are super classic. I bought this dress for a wedding a couple years ago and have only worn it twice since then, because I don't actually drink cocktails. I think the blazer dresses it down enough to semi-formal level, making it look more power-suity. I must try this with other cocktail dresses immediately!

Check out how I used my hair and makeup to change the look too. Friday I french braided both sides back and then clipped up the top for trendier hair. Then, Sunday I did a sleeker blowout with a red lip because I like to dress like Jackie O like that. Plus my full name is Jacqueline so we're basically twins.

Anyway, I wanted to show you how one piece goes from trendy Friday night to conservative Sunday morning to get the most mileage.

Check out your closet to see what items you typically wear one way but could totally be worn another day and you don't even have to go shopping. And other moms will still be jealous/hate you.

Freaky Friday

If you were over on the Facebook fan page (see right sidebar) this week, you know that I was lamenting about Pinterest. I love that site with all of my heart but I hate all of the bad fashion floating around over there. Even worse when I see pins and I'm like "Nooooooo stoooooop!" My awesome friend Nat (I call her Nat because her name is impossibly hard to spell and includes an inexplicable 'h') suggested I do a freaky Friday Pinterest edition to get it off my chest. ANd so next week, I shall. I just needed to do some email inbox cleaning first. Let's say a big thank you to Kim, Lindsay and Beth for sending me some of the week's best uglies.

Also, I think we're going to do a contest the last week of October. I want to see who can find the most ridiculous "sexy" costume and send it to me at nomoremomjeans at gmail dot com. I don't know what the prize will be yet, but if you come across like, sexy Pikachu, I want to KNOW!

Without further ado (which I originally had spelled as 'adieu' because I write too early in the morning lol)



Weirdly flesh colored? Check. Bunchy and unflattering? Check check. Makes Jae want to stab herself? Check, check and check!


Ummm. These shoes make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. One word: vajungle.


These look pretty sensible for the slopes, I would say.


Satin + capris = plus sized disaster. AVOID.


Oh, I know Rihanna is wearing these somewhere right now, despite the fact they're basically upscale parachute pants.


I know I say this every week, but this has GOT to be the worst jumpsuit we've ever had. I never knew one could be this bad. Really? Acid wash? Is that even necessary?


Creepy legging alert! Newsflash: I don't want to see the flesh of your upper thigh. Ever.


Kim pointed out that the best part of these shorts were that they were titled "Pleasure Doing Business With You."

Um, which business would that be? A hysterectomy?

Well, I know I sufficiently want to curl into the fetal position and lament the state of fashion, but I have to get some work done. I have a fun girl's night planned, which means roughly two hours of tearing my closet apart to find something to wear. I might be excited that it's a little chilly out today because I have a new blazer that is begging to be worn. I shall! I shall wear you, forgotten blazer!!

Wearing Animal Prints Without Looking Like a Boozy Cougar

We all know that excessive amounts of leopard print remind me of my childhood friend. Her mom consistently wore leopard bustiers to EVERYTHING and she always paired them with leather jackets and a generous helping of wine. I will NEVER shake that image. That's why wearing leopard print always seems like walking the fine line between looking fashion forward and looking for 20-year-old college boys who are into wrinkles.

Since it's fall, animal print is back in full force. I love me some animal print and have tons of leopard, zebra, snake and peacock in my closet. I just can't say no. But I CAN say no to leopard bustiers and wine because that's just how I roll.

Don't ever by afraid of animal prints. They don't have an age limit, especially when done appropriately. By thinking differently about how to use animal print in a fresher way, it doesn't have to be all Real Housewives-y. Unless you want it to be Real Housewives-y, in which case I also recommend Botox and lip injections until you look like an unrecognizable blowup doll version of yourself.

Check out some new rules for making animal print mom-appropriate. This way, no one will hide their teenage boys when you're in the school pickup line.

Kick It Casual:

Quiksilver cotton shirt, $44
Bootcut jeans, £25
Ballerina flat, $50
Wet Seal tote handbag, $22
Beaded earrings, $12
TopShop leopard print scarve, $32

Sometimes animal print is seen as more of a club-scene pattern. Like, in bustier form. Or in a miniskirt. Creepy. But animal print is awesome for plain casual wear. By pairing something like a leopard scarf or flats with jeans and a tee, the look is fashion forward without looking like you're headed to ladies night. I especially love it with a little distressed leather to help dress the print down a bit.

Mix Patterns:

H M short jacket, £30
Dorothy Perkins black skirt, £24
Rocket Dog zebra print shoes, $45
Green ring, $39
Dorothy Perkins purple jewelry, £10
Avance Molly Clutch, $49


K, so don't go crazy on me here, but it's OK to mix animal prints as long as you stay within the boundaries of neutrals and pick two patterns only. I like the mix of zebra and snakeskin because they're both subdued. Because of that, it's fine to do one piece that's more substantial. Had this been a leopard skirt and zebra shoes, you'd look like you were headed on safari. Weird. If you want to mix two contrasting animal prints, do it in your accessories, not your clothes. Keep the look tight with monochromatic colors, adding in pops of color with your accessories.

Brighten Up:

Daytrip top, $21
Daytrip military jacket, $40
Hydraulic faded jeans, $43
H&M knee length leather boots, £40
Hobo shoulder bag, $45
Peacock jewelry, $5.99
ASOS vintage jewelry, $18

Animal print doesn't HAVE to be all boozy coug. By picking animal prints that are in appropriate colors, it looks fresher and more fashion forward. This does not mean you should go buy neon pink leopard print. You're not a 14 year old girl shopping at Claire's. Instead, more abstract patterns work best. This print mix works because it's more suggested, rather than a literal animal print. Love how the colors work well with peacock because I LOVE PEACOCK AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS. I also love the idea of anchoring such a bright, outgoing piece with some harder-edged additions, making the textured jacket and moto-boots pretty much perfect.

So who's with me? Anyone brave enough to try animal prints this fall? I promise I won't judge, unless you're wearing leopard print AND drinking wine from a box. Deal?