Freaky Friday

If you were over on the Facebook fan page (see right sidebar) this week, you know that I was lamenting about Pinterest. I love that site with all of my heart but I hate all of the bad fashion floating around over there. Even worse when I see pins and I'm like "Nooooooo stoooooop!" My awesome friend Nat (I call her Nat because her name is impossibly hard to spell and includes an inexplicable 'h') suggested I do a freaky Friday Pinterest edition to get it off my chest. ANd so next week, I shall. I just needed to do some email inbox cleaning first. Let's say a big thank you to Kim, Lindsay and Beth for sending me some of the week's best uglies.

Also, I think we're going to do a contest the last week of October. I want to see who can find the most ridiculous "sexy" costume and send it to me at nomoremomjeans at gmail dot com. I don't know what the prize will be yet, but if you come across like, sexy Pikachu, I want to KNOW!

Without further ado (which I originally had spelled as 'adieu' because I write too early in the morning lol)



Weirdly flesh colored? Check. Bunchy and unflattering? Check check. Makes Jae want to stab herself? Check, check and check!


Ummm. These shoes make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. One word: vajungle.


These look pretty sensible for the slopes, I would say.


Satin + capris = plus sized disaster. AVOID.


Oh, I know Rihanna is wearing these somewhere right now, despite the fact they're basically upscale parachute pants.


I know I say this every week, but this has GOT to be the worst jumpsuit we've ever had. I never knew one could be this bad. Really? Acid wash? Is that even necessary?


Creepy legging alert! Newsflash: I don't want to see the flesh of your upper thigh. Ever.


Kim pointed out that the best part of these shorts were that they were titled "Pleasure Doing Business With You."

Um, which business would that be? A hysterectomy?

Well, I know I sufficiently want to curl into the fetal position and lament the state of fashion, but I have to get some work done. I have a fun girl's night planned, which means roughly two hours of tearing my closet apart to find something to wear. I might be excited that it's a little chilly out today because I have a new blazer that is begging to be worn. I shall! I shall wear you, forgotten blazer!!

Wearing Animal Prints Without Looking Like a Boozy Cougar

We all know that excessive amounts of leopard print remind me of my childhood friend. Her mom consistently wore leopard bustiers to EVERYTHING and she always paired them with leather jackets and a generous helping of wine. I will NEVER shake that image. That's why wearing leopard print always seems like walking the fine line between looking fashion forward and looking for 20-year-old college boys who are into wrinkles.

Since it's fall, animal print is back in full force. I love me some animal print and have tons of leopard, zebra, snake and peacock in my closet. I just can't say no. But I CAN say no to leopard bustiers and wine because that's just how I roll.

Don't ever by afraid of animal prints. They don't have an age limit, especially when done appropriately. By thinking differently about how to use animal print in a fresher way, it doesn't have to be all Real Housewives-y. Unless you want it to be Real Housewives-y, in which case I also recommend Botox and lip injections until you look like an unrecognizable blowup doll version of yourself.

Check out some new rules for making animal print mom-appropriate. This way, no one will hide their teenage boys when you're in the school pickup line.

Kick It Casual:

Quiksilver cotton shirt, $44
Bootcut jeans, £25
Ballerina flat, $50
Wet Seal tote handbag, $22
Beaded earrings, $12
TopShop leopard print scarve, $32

Sometimes animal print is seen as more of a club-scene pattern. Like, in bustier form. Or in a miniskirt. Creepy. But animal print is awesome for plain casual wear. By pairing something like a leopard scarf or flats with jeans and a tee, the look is fashion forward without looking like you're headed to ladies night. I especially love it with a little distressed leather to help dress the print down a bit.

Mix Patterns:

H M short jacket, £30
Dorothy Perkins black skirt, £24
Rocket Dog zebra print shoes, $45
Green ring, $39
Dorothy Perkins purple jewelry, £10
Avance Molly Clutch, $49


K, so don't go crazy on me here, but it's OK to mix animal prints as long as you stay within the boundaries of neutrals and pick two patterns only. I like the mix of zebra and snakeskin because they're both subdued. Because of that, it's fine to do one piece that's more substantial. Had this been a leopard skirt and zebra shoes, you'd look like you were headed on safari. Weird. If you want to mix two contrasting animal prints, do it in your accessories, not your clothes. Keep the look tight with monochromatic colors, adding in pops of color with your accessories.

Brighten Up:

Daytrip top, $21
Daytrip military jacket, $40
Hydraulic faded jeans, $43
H&M knee length leather boots, £40
Hobo shoulder bag, $45
Peacock jewelry, $5.99
ASOS vintage jewelry, $18

Animal print doesn't HAVE to be all boozy coug. By picking animal prints that are in appropriate colors, it looks fresher and more fashion forward. This does not mean you should go buy neon pink leopard print. You're not a 14 year old girl shopping at Claire's. Instead, more abstract patterns work best. This print mix works because it's more suggested, rather than a literal animal print. Love how the colors work well with peacock because I LOVE PEACOCK AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS. I also love the idea of anchoring such a bright, outgoing piece with some harder-edged additions, making the textured jacket and moto-boots pretty much perfect.

So who's with me? Anyone brave enough to try animal prints this fall? I promise I won't judge, unless you're wearing leopard print AND drinking wine from a box. Deal?

What I Wore: Prep

Have you ever read the book "Prep" by Curtis Sittenfeld? It's legitimately one of my favorite books of all time. Full discolsure here? It gets a little graphic. I think all of Sittenfeld's books are like that. "American Wife" was fantastic too. Anyway, "Prep" is about a Midwestern girl who is accepted into an elite East Coast private school. Seriously. Take this book to the beach and devour it because it's like being in high school all over again. I've probably read it 7 times. (I'm kind of obsessed with reading. If you want more book suggestions from yours truly, click here.)

My favorite parts about the book are the kids names (Aspeth? Cross? I love it) and the general description of the WASPy parents. I admit that I kind of love to dress preppy now and again. I love the clean lines and structure of a little prep. But prep can also go horribly wrong when you go overboard. Like wearing a sweater tied over your shoulders with tennis shorts and overwhitening your teeth, AMIRIGHT?

My general equation for preppy goodness is a cute cardigan and a structured belt. I also like to dress down the jeans. If I had worn like, dark trouser jeans, it would still be cute but a little starched. And it was Friday when I wore this. No starchiness on Friday. You gotta get DOWN on Friday!


Cami: Pacsun
Cardigan: Banana Republic
Belt: WALMART WOO! It's reversible. Take THAT, rich East Coasters!
Jeans: Abercrombie & Fitch
Flats: Soda (Aaaand they are falling apart. I bought a new pair that day.)
Rings: F21, Inspired Silver
Cuff: Charlotte Russe
Watch: Gucci
Earrings: F21

Whenever I see myself in pictures I'm like "Sweet mother of mercy I am short."


I loaded on a ton of accessories to make the whole belted cardi thing look less sweet. Add a couple of cuffs to my jeans and I was ready to look down my nose at public schooling and fast food.

Just kidding. Public schools and Chick-Fil-A are my fave, y'all! I actually ate there about 30 minutes after this picture was taken. True story.

Also, my mom took pictures this time. Who did better? My mom or my kindergartner?

Freaky Friday: Fun With Keywords

Reading my keyword analysis is my favorite thing to do EVER. Like, I love shopping and being with my famjam, but finding out how people happened upon my website is pretty super awesome. Unfortunately, some of the entries I read make me sad, for I know that they did not find what they were looking for on my site. It's for this reason that I do fun with keywords as a service to all of those who still haven't found what they're looking for.

(Totally a side story, but when I was 16 I worked as a babysitter five nights a week for a kid who had ADHD. The best part about the job -- besides the fish sticks -- was that the mom owned U2s entire collection and had a great stereo. To this day "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" makes me feel like an awkward 16 year old doing my homework and telling Austin to stop licking the wall.)

ANYWAY, I found some real ems when I logged in to my Statcounter the other day and far be it from me to disappoint my adoring Google searchers.

-Baby cinch belt.

Wait, so like a belt to put on your baby to make her look thinner? That kind of reminds me of baby wigs:

Or even better, baby spanx:


By the way, the wigs are real, the Spanx are not. Please don't write an angry letter to Spanx.

-Why does Skippy keep asking me for money?

First of all, I have no idea how this would relate to my blog in any way, shape or form. Second of all.... have you asked him?

-Bajingo

OK, I KNOW this has to do with the uterus pillow posting from like, a year ago. But it made me laugh as singular word typed into Google. Also, my mom is here visiting and the other day she stuttered and somehow said "Vajungle" which I am now using on a daily basis. VAJUNGLE.

-Trashy girl

Your wish is my command:

Take a bath, hippie.

-Ideas for everyone wearing plaid in family pictures.

Here's an idea. Don't. Ever. And while you're NOT all wearing plaid shirts, you can go ahead and burn the khakis that I KNOW you would have paired them with.

-A man in a frilly shirt.

Really? You just couldn't Google "Fabio" and be done with it?
Please. You know this guy's name is something like "Fox Stone" and he's on every cover of every paperback ever sold in Walmart. Seriously. Looking for a book at Walmart makes me want to poke myself in the eye and enroll myself in school. It's either horny Harlequins or horny teen vampires. Jane Austen would be so proud.

-Asymmetrical flap pockets make my butt look....

Oh, you like... want an opinion? Well, I would go with lopsided. Or kind of like your butt is giving a coy half-smile.



YAY I'm off to go shopping with my Mamadukes today. She entertains children while I try on armloads of clothes I shouldn't buy. Score! Also I'm making her take my outfit pics today. I'm excited to see if she's any better than my 5 year old.

Super Awesome Jewelry Storage

Fans on my Facebook page know that I had a bit of a mishap yesterday. In a fit of feeling Betty Crocker-ish, I went in search of my crockpot to make a full chicken. When I found it, it was at the very tippy top of my cupboards. Unphased, I seized the electrical cord for said crockpot, so I could tip the actual pot down to my level before snagging it. Instead, the thing came crashing down on my FACE and now I have a sore eye. I did have a pretty gnarly swollen black eye afterward, but I think it's gone down. Now it just looks like I'm wearing dark eyeshadow. So pretty.

THIS IS WHY I NEVER COOK.

So, clearly, I'm not all that great at storing cookware. However, jewelry is a different story.

When you don't store your jewelry properly, it hurts a lot less when it lands on your face, but it can also ruin and tarnish a lot easier. I can guarantee half of your jewelry snafus are the result of crappy storage. The other half are the result of your two year old putting your bracelets in the toilet, so I won't judge. Anyhow, I started thinking about ways to store your precious jewels and came up with a few cutesies that I loved online.




Remember this from my friend Charity? I still think it's PERFECT and practically genius. So pretty on a dresser too, you can just leave it out as decor.


How genius are these knobs? They're just mounted to an old board for perfect necklace and bracelet storage. No more knots and yanking on chains! Not that I know what that's like or anything...


This is a rake head. Mind is blown. This is from Country Living magazine. I should do this in my house because it's log and looks pretty with old timey things. But I also love the contrast between the rake and the pretty baubles.


This is my stuff above my dresser. I just tack up my necklaces. If I don't, I totally forget what I even own and don't take full advantage of all of my jewelry. I also use the towel rack in my bathroom to hang my rings, but that's more out of laziness than for storage. Plus it makes me husband mad.


Just avoid creepy storage solutions, like this HAND coming out of a WALL. Fastest way to terrify me at night.

Go forth and organize! Anyone else have any brilliant solutions?

What I Wore: 5'10"

Let's face it. Being short in the fashion world sometimes sucks. I'm a very average 5'4" and certain items of clothing, like jeans, can be hard to find. Why it's so hard to find jeans in lengths like they have for men I'LL NEVER KNOW.

But sometimes, I don't mind the shortness. Especially when I find a new magenta pencil skirt that would probably be a tad short on a taller girl. Seriously, I bought this on Friday afternoon and may have "Squee'd!" when I saw it. Luckily it fit like a glove with no room to spare and was like, $10. $10!!

So, with the power of my fave heels, I rose myself up to a full 5'10". It always wigs my husband out when I'm taller suddenly.



Top: I have no idea... I bought it from Ross in 2007. lol. It's one of my faves because it goes with literally everything I own.
Skirt: Forever21
Belt: H&M
Shoes: Qupid
Earrings: F21
Ring: Inspired Silver
Cuff: Gucci

Anyway, I *almost* wore my zebra shoes with this, but I think I'll use any excuse to wear blue shoes. Ever. THEY'RE BLUE.


This just in: I have a big butt! So it might have fit like a very tight glove but it has spandex! WOO! Also - teeth pic! My husband was like "Smile with your teeth!" And then I would and he'd be like "Why do you look so weird?" Um, thanks.



My adorable daughter got in for the shot. We inadvertently matched with her blue bow and pink sash. Boom! I pretended like it was on purpose because that's how we roll.

I also did a mini-shop on Friday and bought a new fall pieces that I'm super stoked about. New blazer, anyone? My mom is coming down for a week-long visit tomorrow, so I'm probably going to be heading out with her to do some bank account damage. I'm dying to know what you're looking for fall so I can keep an eye out.

Comment! Comment! Comment! (That's me chanting obnoxiously.)

Freaky Friday

Since we missed Freaky Friday last week, let's make it doubly dripping with sarcasm, should we? Mmmmokay!

I'm so excited to have a lazyish weekend planned. No super big plans except for sleeping and eating waffles. And maybe watching Harry Potter. All those celebs with high profile parties to attend should be JEALOUS.



Hey, do any of you experienced moms want to tell cute pregnant Beyonce here that it takes like 40 weeks to have a baby? So she's probably not going to have it right now? And so she should probably put on some pants?



These are the nerdiest cutoffs I have ever seen. It was like the designer had a ruler out to make sure there was the perfect amount of pocket underhang. In related news, I never want to type the word "underhang" ever again.


My brother sent me this, (which is apparently the world's creepiest and most Chuck Norris-esque winter hat) while I was on vacation and harassed me about it so I can only assume that he wants me to give it the Freaky Friday treatment. I think he's really just jealous that this hat grows a more masculine beard than him.

Zzzzzzing.

If you want a good laugh and want to see my brother's beard, check out this blooper reel from one of his videos. Like, I cannot watch it and NOT laugh at what is possibly the world's worst British accent.



One of the commenters on Wednesday's post went looking for Breckelle's boots like I was wearing and came up with this hybrid gem. It's the Frankenstein of the shoe world. I can only assume they patched it together with whatever scraps were lying on the floor.


Victoria emailed me this and pointed out that it appeared that skanky Halloween costumes are back in. We're only a month away from sexy Spongebob, guys! The best part about this costume pattern is that THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. There is something wrong with the world when a fireman is roughly the same as a cat. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.


Bethany sent this to me with a note that this appeared on her "Fall Trends" InStyle email. Oh, I must have missed when hairy man arms made their way down the catwalk.

On the bright side, at least Bigfoot would be impressed.

And slightly turned on.



Rebecca posted these pants on Pinterest for me to see. Literally everything about this is wrong. You all know how much I love 16 inch crotches, but add retirement village teal, pleats and an awkward length and you have a recipe for my heart.


Noooo it's fall and these knit headband thingies are back. STOP IT. They make heads look weird and hair look dirty. Always.



My brother Ryan also sent me this product and I told him that this is why I hate other parents. Because they make cool parents (LIKE ME) lame by association. Hey, everyone who knows me. I don't do this. I'm a cool mom. I even sometimes let my kids use their legs.

Call CPS!