Freaky Friday

Ohh I know how much you missed a good Freaky Friday! Every time I go looking for ugly clothes, they all remind me of weird things and then I have to Google image the weird things they remind me of. Then I get super distracted and three hours later, a post is born.



I was at the zoo last week and for some reason I picture this in the small animal house, in a terrarium. With dads taking pictures while the moms say "ewwww" and try to direct their kids to the koala bears.


Now, Nicole Sherzinger ... Schriezing... whatever her name might be is a perfect example of a pretty girl made ugly by hair and makeup. I don't even care that she's wearing her workout clothes because she's stumping for Reebok here, but OMG what is up with her horns? And why does her face take up so much of her head? Can't... stop.... looking.


Just in case you were wondering what goes with your shrunken tribal bustier. Pantaloons. The answer is always pantaloons.


Ohhh that's what I forgot to add to my outfit today. Oven mitts!

(They're so hot right now)

HAH! See what I did there? I couldn't stop my fingers from typing that if I glued them to my desk.


Possibly the world's most unflattering pair of pants. First of all, they start at the neck. Then add a droopy drawstring, some shine and the world's largest crotch. Then throw $245 into a wood chipper in front of nine starving babies. Fashion is silly.


So this is the side view of a handbag. I couldn't even get to the front view, because all I could see was a certain friend.


WILSON!!!! They've made you into a sequined purse? WHY!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.


I am changing the name of this blog to "How Not to Look Thin." And every day I'll just post this dress. Until the end of time.


You know, at first I was like ew, what an ugly and unnecessary shirt. But then I got to thinking. As a girl who was not blessed with ample lady lumps, it may be helpful to have a shirt like this for informational and locating purposes. As in "Yes, the left boob is right HERE."



Girls wearing loincloths are creepy to me.



Remember when we talked about wearing florals without looking like an old timey plantation owner? Please remember this the next time you're in the market for a floral romper that is too short. I don't know WHY you would be in the market for a floral romper that is too short, but it never hurts to be prepared.


I am always down with a shirt that makes you look hairier overall. Also, are the ears really necessary?

Elise sent this to me over on the Facebook fan page (check the right sidebar) and I was so excited. You see, I am a huge King of Queens fan, so naturally it reminded me of Carrie's Christmas sweater.


So I dug around and found a picture of it, laughed for a while and then mourned the loss of that show.


Then, when I was googling "Giraffe sweaters" I found this and laughed even harder.

And that, my friends, is why my Freaky Friday posts are always late.

Prettying Up a Pony

...no, not an actual pony. Because why would I post about that?

Also, sorry for the lack of posting last week. I came home from Canada and went to the doctors for a cough, and whaddyaknow. I had pneumonia. Who gets pneumonia? Is this 1847? It was stupid. But I'm all better now!

No, I'm talking about the dreaded mom ponytail. Let me tell you, having a style blog is a lot of pressure. In the few times that someone has recognized me out and about, I panic and wonder if they go home and tell their friends that I was dressed sloppy or had spaghetti sauce on my shirt or *GASP* had my hair in a ponytail.

I'm not going to lie, I wear my hair in a pony at least one a week. But only once. And maybe on weekends. This is because I made a deal with myself that if I ever found myself wearing ponytails three days in a row, I had to cut my hair. And I am a strict mistress to myself. When I'm short on time and resign myself to a ponytail day, I at least try to ensure that there's something going on past the plain old droopy mom hair ponytail. Yes, I have THAT much pride and vanity. Also, I always run into people I don't want to at WalMart.

Ugh, is there anything worse than when you see someone at the store, chat for a minute and then say bye, and then meet up like, three aisles later? Well, yes, there is a lot worse. But that is still pretty bad.

But I digress. I won't hate on you if you have a ponytail. I understand you don't have time to do a full on blowout every day. But ponytails don't have to be shameful! They can actually be quite pretty and they don't have to take one moment longer than the traditional mom pony. Again, not an actual pony. I shouldn't have to keep saying this.

Anyway, I did my hair four times for your benefit today. My life is so hard. Also, after I was done I took my hair out and will not be wearing my hair in a ponytail because I am a hypocrite.



K, so this is a pretty common style for me. I just smooth my hair into a low pony, then I add a little hairspray into the actual pony to add texture. It's totally plain, but it looks put together and there is nary a scrunchie in sight. Please also note that I always wear dark brown hair elastics. You are not four. Put the hot pink elastics away. Use clear or hair-colored. You can also take a few strands of the pony and wrap it around the base of your ponytail and all of a sudden you look like you can do hair. Amazing!



I forgot how much I enjoy the buttons on that shirt. ANYWAY. If you're going to do a regular old ponytail, make it high and add some face-framing strands. Pulling your hair straight back can be kind of jarring, and the pieces look like I actually DID something even though this took me five seconds. I usually brush my hair into a high pony and then pull out the front strands before I put the elastic in. Then I can smooth out the top and secure it without messing up the front. I also might flat iron the front to make sure it looks sleek and not messy.



When in doubt, use accessories. They make a stupid old ponytail look like you actually spent time. I actually did a messy bun for this look. I remember my first day of high school, 14 years old, and I walked in the doors and a senior girl walked by whilst tying her hair into the perfect messy bun. I was so jealous. It took me YEARS to perfect the messy bun. YEARS. So I pulled my hair back into the bun and then folded a scarf into quarters. Once I tied it on, I messed up the back a little for the texture.



If you see me out and about with my hair like this, it's because my hair was not cooperating that day OR I didn't feel like washing it. The side pony just works with day-after-blowout hair. When you do a side pony, keep it low because this is not 1987. Secure the back along the nape of your neck so you don't have hair slipping out. Then I pull out a ton of pieces out front because I like the look to be messy and whateverish. Whateverish is totally a word by the way.

A few other notes:
-Keep bobby pins on hand. Yes, your husband will curse you every time he sucks up a bobby pin with the vacuum but it's still important. They are the fastest way to coax your hair back into shape after it goes crazy.
-Use other accessories like flowers, broaches, whatever, to make it seem like you actually care about your hair when you don't.
-Keep a bit of balm in your bag, especially if you're going to try on clothes. I HATE when my hair gets all staticky when trying on clothes. In a pinch, lip balm totally works on your hair.
-Earrings go a long way in making a ponytail look on-purpose. I'm wearing plain studs but seriously, almost any type of earring works with ponies. (NOT REAL PONIES OMG)

And, if your hair really isn't working, there's always your husband's hat.


Oh hat, how I love you. (Why am I staring romantically in the distance you ask? This is the day my Tahoe died in the rain and I sat in my husband's Jeep while he attempted to fix it on the side of the road. I am pondering the gladness that I feel that my hair isn't getting wet.)

Sizzling Triceps

I get a lot of questions on how to lose fat on certain body parts and one of the most common questions is how to lose fat on the triceps. I know that women are concerned about the excess flab that hangs under their arms. I have had many clients refer to it as their "bat wings", and "queens wave", but when it comes down to it, it's all excess fat and how do you get rid of it.


Some of my favourite tricep exercises can be done anywhere.

-tricep pushups
-tricep dips
-overhead extensions
-TRX triceps


Tricep Push Ups:

If you are first trying these, start on your knees. Keep your belly button pulled in tight and exhale as you come up. The trick is to keep your elbows glued to your body. Don't let them flare out. This is a challenging exercise, so don't worry if you can't get down all the way. Start even with a little dip in the elbows and work up to getting your nose down to the floor:)

Tricep Dips:

The trick with this exercise is to keep your back close to the bench or chair, and keep the weight off your legs. Use your arms to lift your body and you will definitely feel your triceps.




Overhead Extensions:

Keep a slight bend in your knees and tuck your bum under, this helps to protect your back. Keep your elbows glued to your ears and use a weight heavy enough to feel your triceps.




TRX Tricep Extensions:

If you are lucking enough to have access to this amazing piece of equipment--it is my absolute favourite. Most gyms now have the TRX and if you are looking for a piece to add to your home gym--it's a must:)



As always to lose body fat, you need to tweak the diet. You will not have the sizzling triceps you want while eating fast food and cookies day in and day out, so throw out the junk and load up on your fruits and veggies. Increase your cardio and you are on your way to sexy tri's.

Give this little workout a try:

After you have warmed up for about 4-5 minutes get right into it.
1. Push ups-40 sec to 1 min (it you are just starting begin at 40 sec. If you need a challenge do 1 min.)
2. Bicycle Abs- 1 min
3. Tricep Push ups- 1min

Cardio: 1 1/2 min:
30 sec-mountain climbers
30 sec.-jumping jacks
30 sec- side shuffle

4. Tricep Dips- 1 min
5. Quick Squats- 1 min
6. Over head Tricep Extension- 1min

Repeat Cardio

7. TRX tricep extension (if you have it)- 1min
8. Crunches- 1 min
9. Reverse Curls- 1 min.

Repeat for as long as you want.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

How to Wear Florals Without Looking Like an Old Timey Plantation Owner

If you've been in a mall, read a magazine or walked by an Urban Outfitters in the past like, two seconds, you'll notice one massive trend for spring: florals. And these aren't your modern graphic florals, but rather Laura Ashley-esque pastel florals in large amounts. The can be jarring to look at. And yes, if you wear them the wrong way, you WILL end up looking like an old timey plantation owner. But wear them right and it's super flattering and on point with spring trends.

Floral peep toe pumps, $70
Black pump shoes, $30
Peep toe heels, $45
Black Poppy Black Poppy Floral Bow Toe Ballet Flat, $20
Rocket Dog Own It Floral Pump, $45

If you don't want to go whole hog, florals on accessories like shoes can totally update an outfit without making it seem like you just wandered from Tara. Floral in small amounts is super appropriate, and how adorable are these shoes? Seriously. Buy them all. When wearing florals on your shoes, avoid matchy matchiness up top. I would do a pump with a medium wash jean and a crisp pin tucked shirt, or a flat with an a-line khaki skirt and scoop neck tee. Neutrals are best because they aren't so overwhelming with the busy patterns on the shoes.

Flower print dress, 25 GBP
Flower print dress, 25 GBP
Floral skirt, $38
Strapless Watercolour Floral Maxi, 30 GBP
Floral print skirt, $81

Now, if you're ready to venture into floral clothes, skirts and dresses are a natural next step. They are pretty and girly and adorable. Remember that to look current, you want florals that are smaller and more traditional in patterns. What I REALLY love is when it looks like a traditional floral print has been enlarged, like on that maxi dress. Wear with a pale pink cardigan and you are adorable. Also, floral skirts lend themselves well to edgier pairings. I might do a flowy floral skirt with a leather jacket to temper the sweetness.

Miss Selfridge floral top, 22 GBP
Old Navy vintage top, $18
Dorothy Perkins crewneck cardigan, 28 GBP
TFNC chiffon top, 30 GBP
Daytrip crop top, $30

Finally, the floral tops. I have like 60,000 because I love them so much. They are super easy to wear since they have random patterns and can hide any trouble spots. Just remember to look for patterns according to your own size. If you are medium-sized, look for medium-sized flowers. The important thing about wearing these new-school florals is to make sure they have modern cuts. There's a massive difference between wearing a floor length Laura Ashley jumper and wearing a cleanly-cut cardigan.

Forever21 peep toe heels, $32
Platform shoes, $23
Wedding handbag, $30
Pearl jewelry, 3.60 GBP
Betsey Johnson vintage jewelry, $25
MNG by Mango belt, $32

Now, the new way to wear florals is with neutrals. Particularly nude neutrals. (Did I ever tell you that if you ask my husband what his favorite color is, he'll always respond neutral? I have no idea how we ended up married.) Anyway, I still don't mind a little pop of color. I sometimes wear my fave pink floral cardigan with my red shoes because I like how romantic the red and pink are together. But everything else? Tone it down! Or I will assume you have a Southern accent and pick cotton sometimes. PS I love those buckle-y pumps and must own them IMMEDIATELY.

So are you going to give the floral thing a go?

Getting Married--No Problem

Tighten up all your Trouble Spots for Your Big Day!

Making sure your wedding is absolutely perfect takes a lot of time and planning. You are meticulous right down to your thank yous. Since you've taken a lot of time to pick out the best dress, you definitely want to look your best in the dress, so what do you do now....

Since time is of the essence, you give yourself the best most effective workout in the least amount of time. Unfortunately you can't spot reduce, what that means is that if you want to lose some inches off your triceps or trim up your tummy and legs, you can't simply do 1000 sit ups every day or hundreds of tricep push downs and expect the inches to disappear. You will need to work your entire body to get you in wedding perfect shape!

Here is a sample workout to get you started. The trick is to keep your heart rate up and do exercises that use lots of muscles at once.

Do a warm up for about 5 minutes before hand to make sure your muscles are warm and then begin your workout.

Start out with 30 seconds of each of the next 7 exercises. Move from one to the other with no rest.
1. Jumping Jacks
2. High Knees (run on the spot lifting your knees as high as you can)
3. Push ups (on your knees)
4. Mountain Climbers (go into a plank position and drive your knees into your chest quickly)
5. Crunches
6. Bicycle
7. Plank

Squat with a Shoulder Press- 1 min
Be sure to hold your belly button in and exhale as you come up and press up.




Twists- 1 min (keep your belly button pulled in)
Rotate to each side



Lunge with a Bicep Curl- 1 min
Be sure to press up through the heel of
the front leg, and keep the pressure off the back leg.


Push Ups- 1 min
If you are just starting out, start on your knees. Keep your belly button
pulled in. This helps to protect your back.

Tricep Overhead Extension

The trick is to use a weight that is heavy enough for you to really feel your shoulders, biceps and triceps. Push yourself hard and you will get awesome results. You are going to repeat starting with the jacks at least three times. Don't rest until you finish your triceps, then take a drink and little break and get right back into round number 2:)

Of course with any program, if you want to see the best results, make sure you are eating well. You can't work out hard and eat crap and expect a great looking body. Take out the refined sugar, processed foods and you are off to a good start.

Add some interval training 2-3 times a week with this weight workout 3 times a week and you will be smoking hot in your beautiful dress.

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Eat These Foods and Drop Pounds

It's no secret that I say 80% of how you look and feel is based on what you eat, so that's why I'm going to give you some of the best foods you should eat and make a regular part of your diet. They will give you energy and they will help you shed those unwanted stubborn pounds that seem to linger around your butt and stomach--augh!!

Instead of spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on crazy diets you are better to simply pick up better foods that will give you the body that will cause envy.

Oils.

People always ask me what oil is best. The only one I keep stocked in my house is olive oil. I use it for everything. I cook with it (I know some oils lose nutrition value when heated, but I still only stock olive oil), I use it in protein shakes and even for salads. It plays an important role in the digestion and absorption of nutrients. I always choose extra virgin olive oil, which is packed with antioxidants and the good fatty acids that we need.

Eggs

Protein is not the only great thing eggs can offer us. They have an anti-inflammatory effect, plus eating the yolk which contains vitamin D can have a positive effect on strength and performance. I would strongly recommend buying a free range egg. I don't eat anything but and you will literally see the difference. Free range eggs have thicker shells and a brighter yolk. They may be a little more money but definitely worth it. Try farmers markets, I always get great deals there.

Leafy Greens

I have to admit, these are not the biggest hit amongst my kids but I never stop trying. Things like spinach, romaine and even spring mixes will give you the biggest nutritional value for your buck, and butt:)


Beans

Not a favourite among many but they are packed with nutrients and antioxidants, they have cholesterol-lowering soluble fiber, protein, b vitamins and complex carbs. Did you know that one cup delivers the same amount of protein in lean beef for a fraction of the cost??

Lean Beef

I know you've heard to stay away from red meat, it causes high cholesterol and too fatty. Reasons for not skipping an eye of round or top sirloin: it is high in leucine which is a powerful amino acid that stimulates protein synthesis and muscle growth. It also contains ion and zinc. You need iron for oxygenating your muscles and you need zinc to support immune function and to recover, repair and grow after you exercise.
(Nutritionist Keidi Skolnik)

Did you know that beef is a thermogenic? That means your body has to work harder to digest it so you will burn more calories by eating it.

Now I have to admit that I only eat free range meat. For me I don't like the idea of extra hormones as well as I like my protein to walk and graze in the open.

Nuts

These tiny things have sometimes received a bad rap based on their fat content. But I can't tell you how great they can make you feel. They are perfect for protein and fat content and give you the perfect amount of energy. Nuts have a very low glycemic index and are loaded with antioxidants. Just be sure not to eat the entire container. Although they are tiny, they will go along way... stick to about 10-15 of the little guys or you could dramatically increase your calories.

Oh, be sure to avoid the salted, flavoured kind. Remember plain is best:)

The following is a sample of what you should be eating:

Breakfast: 1 cup cooked oatmeal, with dash of cinnamon and raisins or cranberries. I pear and 4 pecan halves.

snack: 1 apple with low fat cheese string

Lunch: Green leafy salad with vinaigrette dressing. 4 oz of skinless chicken breast

snack: 1 cup grapes with 10 almonds

Dinner: 4 oz of top sirloin steak, 1/2 cup cooked brown rice with sauteed veggies in 1 tsp of extra virgin olive oil, 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes

Committed to your fitness success,

Kelly Parker
www.fitmommakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Why I Hate Other Parents

My aunt in Canada sent me a link to weird baby products and I laughed SO HARD. And while some of them can't actually be considered fashion, it's my blog and I can do what I want. Plus, some of them have to do with baby fashion which I take very seriously. For instance, it bugs me when babies legs aren't covered. I know that is neurotic.

Anyway, I always say that I hate most parents. That doesn't mean ALL parents, just the stupid-baby-naming, overbearing, spend-too-much-on-dumb-products, look-at-my-child-shes-gifted variety. I like the way I was raised: my parents just turned us loose in the backyard and told us to come in when it was dark. We certainly didn't have any of this stuff:


Baby contrast top, to aid in eye development. You know what else aids in your child's development? Going outside. That way you get fresh air and you don't look like the frumpiest mom at NASCAR.


Ooh, the wrist handkerchief. Otherwise known as MY SLEEVE.



Anybody want some sperm earrings? Anyone?

Crickets.

I like the stylish ones.


I actually think this is the most brilliant idea of all time and must buy one immediately. It's a ride-on vacuum cleaner. Hooray for child labor!!

Story time! So, during my second pregnancy I had to have three ultrasounds per week from 24 weeks until 34 weeks, when I delivered. Do you have any idea how proficient I became at reading ultrasounds? Like, the tech would start doing measurements and I would be like yes, yes that's the profile and there's the largest fluid pockets and get on with it I have a busy schedule of watching The View in my hospital room. Moral of the story? I never want to see another ultrasound EVER AGAIN. Much less on cufflinks. Like... your baby looks like a sea monkey on the screen. Here! Let's make it a tiny sea money and show everyone obnoxiously!


The breastfeeding simulator. The only thing more awkward to me than nursing in public would be PRETENDING to nurse in public.

(I said FOR ME. I don't care if anyone else nurses in public. Free show!)


This seems safe.


These are called the Morning Chicness bags. Barf in style. I think I just came up with their new slogan!


Here Billy, hold still while the cat vomits on your toothbrush.

Also, I would like to know if the cat heaves and hacks for like 3 hours before spitting out onto the toothbrush. Because that would be very realistic.


The placenta brooch, from none other than ETSY! You keep it in your freezer, blend it into a smoothie and bury it in your backyard for the neighborhood dogs to find.... why not wear it on your shirt, too?


The scent of squishy, salty dough gets me in the mood.


Hey, I'm no potty training expert. But I feel, in general, that if your child is old enough to fetch supplies and climb surprisingly steep stairs to get to the changing table, he may be ready to not poop in his pants anymore.


Look. I travel with my kids all the time. I know how awkward it can be. But taking 10 minutes to wrestle your baby into a harness so you can HANG HER ON A PUBLIC BATHROOM WALL is not the answer. Someone WILL call Child Protective Services.


Note that these are not the helmets made for cranial adjustment. These are simply for overprotective parents. Please, my son fell on his head like 90 times a day when he started walking. He seems fine now. Ish.

But seriously. Way to put your child on the fast track to being the "special" kid on the playground.


Likewise to the kneepads. Your baby is not a carpet layer.


Ugh, don't you hate when your kid has to pee in the car? Just pass back this glorified water bottle (don't get it mixed up with your actual water bottle!) and then drive around town with urine sloshing around in a cup. Yum!


This is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.

On the bright side, hey! Matching kneepads!

K, so both of my kids were born with Fraggle-like hair, so I don't understand. Moms of bald babies, is it really that shameful? Is it really better to give your child a weave? Homegirl looks like she's spend one too many afternoons in the beauty shop with Shaniqua and the gang.


And that concludes why I hate other parents. Because there is even a market for ANY of these products.

Excuse me, I'm going to fake breastfeed my five year old now.