Freaky Friday

Friday! I have a gift card to spend today so off I go into the big world. I'm running low on my girlfriend, Bare Minerals, so I need to stock up. But first, to the uglies!!



I feel like if you don't already know what I'm going to say about these then a) this is the first time you've ever been to my blog or b) you're not too quick on the uptake. Three points to whoever can come up with the best insult for these cougar-legs in the comment section!


Oh, really? Some more leggings. PS I totally LIVED in stirrup pants when I was nine so these don't impress me. Also, writing on your crotch is never a good idea.


Oh, I'm sorry, did Uncle Jesse from Full House become a shoe designer all of a sudden?


Am I the only one who saw this shirt and yelled "MOOOOOORTAL KOMBAT!!!" in my head? PS Now that I just mentioned that, I think I shall be watching Mortal Kombat during the kids' naps today! FATALITY!


Sorry, this is the same model from above, I think. And while I don't totally hate the whole cut-off, baseball team thing, I do hate that this girl makes me hungry for a Big Mac. Someone pump some ice cream into this woman, she looks like Queen Imotep of the crypt.


Ooh, how edgy and cool! Oh, wait... did I say edgy and cool? I meant stupid. If you scroll down so just her legs are showing, homegirl looks like my husband when he cuts the grass.



Somewhere the Dynasty costume closet is missing a flowy colorful jumpsuit.


Pshh am I supposed to be impressed by this $100 paint splattered sneaker? Come to my house at 11 am on any given day and my kids will do it for free.


Keep an eye out for anything hideous as you're out and about this weekend, and email me anything you find. I shall do reader submissions next week, so send 'em over via email or Facebook.

From My Closet: I Heart Snakeskin

I first typed the title as "I heart Snackskin" and I feel like that would be a different post entirely. I am the queen of typos.

But yes, snakeskin (OMG I almost did it again.) I was cleaning out my closet the other day and realized that I go a little overboard with it. It's by far may favorite pattern because it's less ostentatious and boozy cougar than leopard print and less weird than zebra, but still wearable and little daring. I almost bought a snakeskin LBD the other day and talked myself out of it, but now I regret it. Sadness.

Anyway, if you want something to modernize your current wardrobe, snakeskin accessories are so easy peasy to wear. I carry a snakeskin bowler right now for my handbag, and it's awesome. Especially when I don't particularly feel like putting together an outfit. Jeans + black tee + snakeskin = instant outfit. It's like cheating.

The only thing that ask when you try snakeskin is to leave it alone. My biggest gripe about having a snakeskin handbag is that I always have to swap bags when wearing snakeskin shoes (Look, I KNOW there are bigger problems in the world, ok? But it's still annoying.) But I'll do it anyway so it doesn't get all jungle matchy matchy. Maaaaaaybe you could pair it with another SMALL animal-print accessory. I wouldn't be mad about a leopard belt or a zebra cuff. But no other snakeskin, and you are not Jack Hannah, so let's go easy on the jungle business, k?

It's also important to note that the colors in typical python print allow you to treat it like a neutral, so it's totally fine to pair it with color. I especially love snake with jewel tones like turquoise and plum.

Look how pretty it looks with my favorite red chair. Here are a few of my fave accessories.


I totally worship this pair of Chinese Laundry t-strap wedges. They are super girly but the print makes them less sweet. I got them at a screaming sale too, so extra awesome. I tend to wear them with a-line skirts and dresses.



These Isaac Mizrahi flats were another awesome purchase. My fave thing about them? They actually feel like snakeskin. A little soft with a little shine on the scales? Amazing detail. You can kind of see in the close up. Whenever I wear them I sit around stroking them like a pervert.


Ah! My dear Soda python wedges. They are the newest to the bunch, and I love to wear them with bermuda shorts so they look less boxy. Plus the wedges makes my ankles look positively tiny and my legs look 90 miles long. And they are so summery and make me happy.


Does this pile of texture make you just say "Squee?" Because I just did. OMG.


Yup, it's a good bunch. The bag is by Hurley, of all companies. I looked high and low for a python bag without any weird bells and whistles because the snake is PLENTY for interests sake. So apparently a skater company was the only on to understand my plight.

So, be my friend and try something in snake. I swear it will make you look more modern without making you look like you prey on young boys (Speaking of which, I saw Charlie St. Cloud on Monday and I prey on Zac Efron, so maybe I should be wearing more leopard.)

Mama Fit Monday: Upper Body Blast

Most women hate to work their upper body. I wouldn't say that I hate to work my upper body, but I definitely prefer to work my lower body. As women
we tend to be heavier in the hips and lower body so we want to target those areas, and we don't have the upper body strength that men do, making an upper body workout sometimes awkward.

That's why today we are going to blast our upper body. Nothing feels better than to feel the sore muscles of our chest, triceps, back, shoulders and biceps.

Let's get to it:

Start with doing 1 set of push ups on a curb or the ground. Try doing 10-15 reps.
Then go right into twists. I love this exercise. It is great for the abs and believe it or not your upper body will feel it, because you are supporting your body with your arms and shoulders. Do 12 on each side.






When twisting make sure you don't hold your breath. Keep rotating your arms, until you complete 12 on each side.






Go right into mountain climbers for 30 sec. If you need more cardio, do 1 min. When doing these, you are actually hopping from one foot to the other.



You are now going to repeat your push ups and twists and mountain climbers.

Next you are going to do 20 crunches on your back. Remember not to pull on your neck. Then you are going to do 12 tricep pushups.








Keep your butt down. This is generally a tough one. One important thing to remember is to keep your elbows tight to your body. Now go right into jumping jacks for 1 min.


Repeat that series from the crunches.

Do a high plank for - 30 sec - 1 min. It's important to keep your butt down on this and keep your hands underneath your shoulders. Don't forget to breathe.






Next go right into some shoulder presses. Always remember to keep your belly button pulled into your spine and exhale as you lift the weights above your head.





For your bicep curls, you are going to do 2 variations. The first is 15 reps of a regular curl. Arms come straight forward.
Next you are going to angle your hands out. Keep your elbows right close to your body. Do another 15 reps.






Repeat from high plank.

You are now going to finish with 1 min of mountain climbers, followed by 1 min. of jumping jacks.

A great way to get in an awesome upper body workout. One thing for sure is to make sure you use weights heavy enough. You definitely want to be pushing through the last couple of reps. If you are easily throwing your arms around, your weight is way too light!

To make it even harder, increase all the cardio parts by an extra minute.

Let me know how it feels.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.FitMomMakeover.net

Freaky Friday

Gooood Friday everyone! Considering my plans for the day consist of working on my tan, I need to get this done and play outside.



I'll take "Fastest Way to Make My Head Look Like a Tiny Peanut," Alex.


I can't fault the girl for trying. I mean, she was wearing what essentially was a Best Buy-esque uniform polo and cut off the arm. Then she gave a sassy look like it was on purpose. You go, weirdo.


OMG I have been looking everywhere for a blue suede lace up peeptoe wedge bootie!!


Just in case you were wondering: If you can see butt crack, your shorts are too low. If you can see butt crease, they're too high.


Ugh! Don't you just hate it when you're wearing your black sparkly bustier with your scary pleated mom jeans and someone else at the party is wearing THE EXACT SAME THING? Rude.


It's the attack of the scary and unflattering capri pants! AHHHH!


Please, think of the children!! (Clearly this lady has had like, four)


I can't look!!! The cankles! Oh, the CANKLES!


Luckily we can cleanse our palettes with this happy lady wearing what seems to be a football practice uniform.

Have a good weekend you lovely people. I damaged my account so much with the last couple weekends that I'm putting myself on *at least* a three-day shopping diet. It pains me. Expect to see me on Facebook for support.

Size Doesn't Matter

.... but FIT does.

So the other day I was shopping because my favorite pair of bermuda shorts totally ripped and I was sad and depressed. I'd had them for like four years and was positive that I would never find a pair that I liked as much. Anyway, as I was looking through the racks of shorts, I came across a pair that I really liked. I looked at the tag (you guys are going to get more than you asked for in this post because I'm totally going to be revealing my sizing information) and the size six, which I usually am, looked impossibly small. I grabbed bot the six and the eight. I continued shopping, because I like to go to the fitting room with a solid armload of clothes. I've always wanted a pair of really lightweight pants and I found a pair in camo that I loved. But this time, it was a different brand and the six looked WAY too big. So I grabbed the six and the four and went off to try them on.

Well, what do you know? I ended up going home with a size eight pair of shorts and a size four pair of pants.

THIS IS WHY YOU MUST TRY THINGS ON.

I cannot stress how important trying on clothes is. Every. Single. Brand. Is. Different. You can't rely on your "regular" size to guide you because the fit and style will also have a bearing on how things look on your frame. So put on your big girl pants and go to the fitting room. Please.

Let's make fitting rooms less scary, shall we?

1) Acknowledge the fact that dressing rooms have the worst light ever, unless you're in a lingerie store. Take a look at yourself wearing your normal clothes before you start trying on to give yourself a baseline. That way, when you put on something and don't love the way it looks you can decide if its a bad fit or the fitting room is bringing you down.

2) When you're looking for a specific item, like a cocktail dress or swimsuit, DON'T BRING CHILDREN. I can handle my kids in a fitting room if its totally casual and I don't care whether or not I buy something. But when I'm on a feverish hunt for a dress, my kids totally drive me up the wall and I get flustered. I throw clothes on and don't give them a proper look before I decide, and it has rendered me plenty of clothes that I don't really like.

3) Make the fitting room attendant useful. When she says "Let me know if you need anything," let her know if you need anything. Don't abandon your efforts because something doesn't fit and you don't want to wander into the store in your underwear looking for a different size. Poke you head out and get her over there. She'll actually love that she's doing something other than unlocking doors and looking bored.

4) Keep record of what size you are in certain labels. For instance, if you shop at Old Navy a lot, have your sizing info on hand so that if they have a killer online deal, you can order knowing that things will fit. I just keep a little file on my computer, and when I get a piece of clothing from a brand I like, I'll punch in what size it was so I have it for future reference. Heaven forbid I ever miss out on a sale ever.

5) Get over the number. So what if you have to go a size up? It's better than looking like this:


Getting a larger size to fit the widest part of your body will make you slimmer in comparison. If you're like me and ridiculously misproportioned, get a tailor. The waist of my pants never fit me until I have them taken in. If you don't like the number on the pants, clip it out so you don't have to look at it. Do what you have to do to get over your size, because guess what? It's just a number. It does not determine how attractive you are. Stop concerning yourself about your size, and worry more about fit.

So the next time you're shopping and hopelessly squeezing yourself into something that absolutely will not work, decide how you want to be seen? Weirdly, misshapen sausage? Or lovely svelte lady? I think the choice basically makes itself.

Mama Fit Monday: Running With A Twist!

I just did a great workout on Saturday that I'd like to share. It was my regular 20 minute interval run (I've posted that earlier) with some twists. I didn't get a chance to do bootcamp on Sat. (I taught it vs. participating) so I was wanting to get in some squats and pushups, but I didn't want to give up my run.....so I improvised.

I combined them.

If you go to the post on the 20 Minute Interval Workout you will see the cardio workout I'm referring to. I warmed up for 2 minutes, then instead of increasing my speed right away, I stopped and did 10-15 jump squats on the curb. If you are just starting out then you can just step onto the curb, do a squat, then step off, if you've been doing this awhile, then jump on the curb, squat and then jump off.

I then continued with my next running minute which would be a level 6. I ran for 2 minutes then stopped and did some push ups. I did 15 of them on the grass wherever I was. I then continued for another 2 minutes keeping with the 20 minute schedule.

After the next 2 min. run I did lunges off the curb. Stand with both feet on the curb, then drop your right leg back off of it, bending your left leg at 90 degrees. Push all your weight through the left leg to get back up. Repeat 10 times and do the other leg. Continue running.

After your next 2 min. run stop and do more pushups.
Run 2 min.
Stop and do tricep dips on the curb..20 of them if you can
Run 2 min.
Stop and do squats Repeat this pattern for the duration of the 20 min interval run. On the last set before your sprint, do 5 reps of each of your exercises, then sprint for 1 min and cool down for your last min.

Not only did I get a great run in, I worked my upper and lower body at the same time. I loved it and felt it the next day. I will definitely do this again.

It may sound a little complicated but, give it a try, when you're doing it, it will all make sense.

Committed to your fitness success,
Kelly Parker
www.FitMomMakeover.net

Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

Ooh boy I have some DOOZIES for you today.

For those of you not aware, "Fun With Keywords" is when I dig around my Statcounter to find out what people are searching to find me. Most of the time, it's totally normal, like "How not to dress like a mom" or "Jae completes me" but sometimes they are WEIIIIIRD. Observe.

-"Without dress"

Wrong website, pervert.

-"Why do I look like my aunt and not my parents?"

Um...this is going to be awkward. Maybe also ask your dad why he's into sisters?

A total side note, but as a child I loved to tell my littlest brother, four years younger than me, that he was from a German family, and when he turned eight they were going to come get him and make him go to work in a work camp in Germany. When he would cry, my mom would scold me and I would say, "Mom! You have to tell him! Stop allowing him to live this lie!" And he would hide in his room for hours and I would get hours of little-brother free time. Clearly I was a fantastic sister.

-"I hate it when I wear a dress once and it's ruined."

Does anyone NOT hate that? What a weird thing to search. Like "Ohh, my dress is ruined!! I hate when that happens... I wonder if anyone can commiserate ONLINE!"

-"Lady Gaga jellyfish photos"

*crickets*


*crickets*


I hate you.

-"Pictures of how not to dress in the office."

Oh! That I can do! Try not to dress like this:

(PS is that a guy with a SWORD in the background? WTH is this world coming to, people? YOU ARE HUMANS IN 2010! Not a medieval knight, and CERTAINLY not a cat. Also, please put the girls away. Awkward women who don't know how to properly wield the cleavage make me uncomfy.

Also, something like this is absolutely inappropriate for work, in my humble opinion.

She had me on board until the fuzzy legwarmers.

-"Mom jeans and platforms"

*sobbing* WHY? WHY would you make me do this?

THERE? Are you HAPPY NOW? If you were asking if you could wear mom jeans WITH platform flip flops, the answer is absolutely not. Hows about you burn both of them. Mom jeans are pretty much against the vow that I took upon starting this blog, and platform flip flops are the worst. Like, really? You're going to strap THAT much foam on your feet? Just wear wedges and don't look like an oversized 13 year old instead. Those are not flip flops. They are flotation devices.

I hope the freaky people keep these weird searches coming, because I am LOVING IT! Although I will admit that I've searched some weird things. I have to do a lot of research with my job at Livestrong, and once I had to look up goat backpacks. I am not kidding. Backpacks... for goats.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever had to look up??